Cuse. Please don't smoke crack.
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If the saying "only the strong survive" is true, this guy does not have a chance. All he wants is some sympathy for a problem he refuses to make any effort to gt rid of. Enough is enough. Man up or check out.Comment -
Yep. I don’t want any sympathy. Fck that noise. I’m not a little boy. I know what I’m doing. Just getting out my thoughts since this is my only outlet. I don’t smoke crack everyday. Just when it’s available, or I can afford it.
I got pretrial on Tuesday or some shit. Then it says trial a month later. Not sure how that would go. Never had a trial. I’m gonna try to sign up for that program later today. If they don’t let me, then so be it. I’ve been locked up before. I doubt I go to prison, but if I do then fck it. Huge mistake not signing up in the 7 days I was suppose to, and just having to do 6 weeks clean. That would be cake. I’m really not a crackhead. I just enjoy the shit. Yeah, I lose my mind and can’t stop spending when I’m doing it. I’ll have to work on that.
I’m used to being down and out. I probably enjoy it in some sick way. If I have to withdrawal off subutex in the pen, it won’t be the first time. I’m good at sticking to myself and staying out of people’s way. If Bubba wants to fck with me then it’s gonna be a fight. This is all stupid. I don’t want advice, or help, sorry if I said I did.
I’m thinking if it looks like I’m gonna get time that I’ll just hop on a bus and flee. We shall see. I’ll let you know on Tuesday what I’m looking at. Then I get paid on Wednesday, so all bets are off on what happens then. Done helping out that dude. Can just get my own shit and save a ton of money. Plus smoke crack in peace. He fcked up and we gave a ride to his dealer buddy. Then he bailed on me to go with some girl so that he wouldn’t have to give me shit. Guy gives me some, his number, and has it for the cheap so now I’m all set on my own.
My girl in NY says she wants to give us a shot. Says she’s 80 percent in to making it work. Oh boy, what a vote of confidence. A whole fckin B minus worth of giving a shit about us. Then she tells me she was gonna go on a date, but she won’t anymore. Unreal stuff. The girl gets raped, doesn’t report the kid, I’m the only one that has her back, and she was about to be done with me. Says she can’t do the crack thing. I have to stop if I want it to happen. I say I’ll stop right now if you wanna be together. But in the end, am I wasting my time putting my heart out there for her? Rhetorical question. I had a ring ready for her. I wanted to marry her. I still do. I just don’t think she’s really into it. It was probably just comfortable for her to have a good friend to rely on. It’s never really felt like we were a true couple. Because she didn’t act like it. She just needed someone there for her as she dealt with our best friend dying, and who better than his other best friend.
I’m a simple man. I like to do things that make me feel good. Don’t need the booze for that. I’m done with that devil. For now, can’t say forever since I know myself. If I get to a point where I feel like there’s nothing to live for then I’ll go back. I know I will. The crack just makes me feel good, but it’s such a bitch. You just have to keep going and going. Who knows if I’ll do it next week. I need a reason not to. Hopefully this program takes me. It’s a bitch to sign up or I already would have. I called the lady and she told me to go online, but online just tells me to call her for my login information. Having ridiculous anxiety lately, so I’ve just been putting everything off, and trying to sleep or just scroll through nonsense on my phone to keep my mind off of everything. Work is just one big panic attack. I think everyone is judging me, and looking at me. The crack makes me feel good, and surprisingly it takes away the anxiety. Maybe without it, it is causing paranoia. Probably.
Well, that’s my update for now. I usually post, then try to forget I actually just wrote about my pointless existence, so I probably won’t read any responses. Rather it just get buried again. All that said, I do think there’s a plan for me. Been getting signs that I have a purpose to fulfill out there, and this is just the darkness before the dawn. We’ll see if I’m able to come out of this on top. Honestly, I think I’m too damn smart to just be sitting in the pen. But maybe it’s what I need, and $$$ can be happy. There’s just so much more that I can provide to the world. I tried with this couple, but they are unable to see anything past the moment. I should just worry about myself, and do me. I’m just a person who likes to be with people, and help them or make them happy or whatever. Who knows why that is. I’m lost. I don’t need to be locked up to figure shit out. I’m pretty damn sure that I know the answers, but I just don’t want to go that way. Shit ton of people locked up that could do so much more, so I can’t say that I deserve to be free just because. Oh well. Best of luck with your bets.Comment -
You dont get it man. I dont want you to go to jail but if that's the best way for you to get clean then yes I'm all for it. I'd like to see you get yourself together and get off of the drugs but you aren't doing it yourself so that is the onlynoyher optionComment -
i agree jail is your best bet to get sober
but who will take care of the dog?
get sober for your dog
start every day with an ice bath
everytime you feel the urge to smoke crack go run 3 milesComment -
I’m signed up for the 6 week program. Hopefully the court is still cool with it cause it’s costing me $275 regardless. If that works out, then all is well. I’ll have to stay sober. Maybe along the way I’ll learn something, but at this point I’m just thinking it’s a great chance to save up money.Comment -
The pre-trial hearing is to determine if there is enough evidence to continue to trial. Whoever the witnesses are that they have against you will testify. Your lawyer can cross examine and potentially call you to the stand. Most times it doesn't come to that since the burden of proof to go to trial is pretty low. They will probably offer you a deal at that point.
Enrollment in the diversion program and a few signatures on an NA or AA court card would probably go a long way towards getting you a light sentence/probation.Comment -
My deal was to enroll, and complete the diversion program, then my felony would be dropped. The DA already signed the papers on that. My lawyer said I didn’t have to deal with the court or pretrial anymore if I signed up. I did take forever to do it, but I’m signed up and paid, so I’m just going to presume that I don’t have to go to court on Tuesday. If I go and have to piss test then that’d be no good. The court will be notified that I’m in the program, though they may still issue a warrant for me. If that happens, oh well. Around here it seems like they actively come looking for you. I’m fine with whatever happens. I need to stop doing this shit no matter what the method is. I’d prefer the program so I don’t have to sit and rot in a cell with no subutex. But, out here I just keep doing the same ole shit. Got some shit tonight, then spent my time playing cat and mouse with the piggies. They were all over, and would turn around to follow me, so I’d run and hide. I won tonight, but I won’t win forever.Comment -
Might have made it. No warrant out for me that I can find. Assume my lawyer was at court to tell them I’m all signed up. Now time to stop smoking crack...after tomorrow.Comment -
Can`t believe that you are going to smoke that shit again, especially while you are not certain that you are even accepted into their program.
Consider myself lucky in that cocaine and the people that use it/being around it has always made me feel uneasy. the shit causes way too many problems vs rewards
Helped 2 people in the 90`s off the shit, w/ weed. You might find a strain and give that further consideration. Pills and narcotics are a lose, lose.Comment -
concerning tonight's game `gate at `cuse, who ya got?
I`ll take Colgate plus the game-time 12 plus (currently 10 1/2). Syracuse sucks, but not as bad as a crack-ball that destroys lives.
whatever,
so who ya got ?Comment -
Didn’t know we were playing. Tough to follow them down here in Florida. 16 point win. Not bad. They aren’t as bad as they looked against UVA. JB needs time early to get the team in order. To learn what the best lineups are, and teach them the zone. There’s a reason he has never had a losing season. Somehow, some way, he will have another winning year. Lots of young talent, with some glue guy upper class men sprinkled in. Sidibe doing work with 12 and 14. Buddy dropping 17.
As for the crack. Today is the last day. Weed won’t be of any help as I’ll absolutely fail the drug tests, plus I don’t enjoy it. Crack gets a bad rap, rightfully so at times for what it does to some people. But, I’m still getting my shit done, eating, staying hydrated. I should be saving the money for my own place, or a car, but that will come in time.
Gonna get a motel today. Chill with my boy, and get some hoes. There’s some real pretty ones out there, that just like to party and aren’t gross homeless hoes that will blow you for a fiver, or a blast. Yeah, yeah. I sound like a fckin scum bucket, but oh well. At least I tell it like it is, and don’t make up stories. Would be hard to make this shit up.Comment -
How many times have we heard in this thread this is the last day until the next last day. Damn shame.Comment -
I know man. I need help, but I don’t think there’s shit anyone can do. I just spent all my money again. Was supposed to pay my mom back the $275 for that program. Now I have to come up with some bullshit as to why I’m broke. I won’t be able to put gas in the car to get to work, or buy cigarettes. I don’t know what happened. It’s just a blur. I’m fckin stupid as can be. I just can’t control myself once I have money.Comment -
Did you end up having fun with you boy and the chicks tho ?
Did crack at work one one night in the bathroom stall with some black co-worker
i ended up fighting later on down the road, not one of my prouder moments
plus it dies off too quickly .
You end end up having a good time ?Comment -
It was a pretty fun night, but stressful. Crack definitely dies off too quickly. Keep chasing it, but can never catch it.Comment -
Cuser
get your medical marijuana card
tell your doctor you want a strain called Wedding Cake
it will help you with your depression and anxiety
trust me it will make you feel optimistic and happy there is no paranoia with this bud its just a super chill happy high
glad you had fun tonight but time to ween yourself off crack
you have to reward your body for positive behavior
so like if you go 2 hours without crack reward yourself by jerking off or eating ice cream or playing your favorite video game
also watch some motivational videos on youtube you got this brahComment -
Not a crack user, but occasionally reward myself by jerking off.
Bear, that was a thoughtful post, later today or tomorrow, whenever I next jerk my rod
I am going to think of you and this thread.
Having something to look forward to makes all the difference!
don`t worry bro`, I won`t get any on youComment -
pretty certain those words alone should rid Cuse of the crack-balls
if he uses again, he has to think of all of us forum members rubbing one out
and only us dudes, not any of the 4 or 5 women here
Cuse, cut it out Bro. You got this, alright. But stop today.
You got anyone you can call that will slap you around a bit?
Christ, if you did this 2 months ago and we were friends offline as well as here, I`d have motorcycled down to tune you up a bit
but with selfish intentions really `cause I love that motorcycle more than anything.
the important thing is that you still have fukkers here that care, and even more important is that you have manned-up by asking us for help
or understanding, but your honesty is cool as fukk
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no I agree, slapping him/violence is not the answer
men that care is
got you on that list, in good company
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any update?Comment -
He just got the hookup for some krokodilComment -
Wonder what happened to the dude?Comment -
Cuser you good?Comment -
I’m fine. Here’s another gem for y’all. So, turns out I wasn’t done with pretrial, even though I enrolled in the program. Was supposed to check in the 12th for pretrial with basically someone like a probation counselor. It wasn’t a court date. I didn’t go like I said, and they sent a letter saying I had to show up by the 22nd for a check in. That was a Friday. I hadn’t used since Saturday, so a good 4 full days in between to probably give a clean urine.
Welp, my ass gets $25 on Thursday night at work, for helping out the servers all the damn time. Got a fiver from one dude for setting his tables, then I set another dudes shit, and he throws a 20 down. I’m like damn, you don’t have to do that man. He says I always help him out, and he should be giving me money every night, blah, blah. I’m excited as
. Can get a decent amount of crack to go home and relax with.
Aw shit, it hits me. I have my piss test tomorrow. I should be clean, for sure. Piss clean for them, explain me joining the program, and I’m set. Have court on my date of December 10th, but oh well, the judge will be cool with the program still. I’m good to go as long as I’m clean. Could still sneak through this shit with just 6 weeks sober.
So what do I do on that Thursday night with like 12-16 hours until a piss test that I can pass quick, then indulge in some crack after? You betcha, I did it that night anyway. My thoughts are, well they won’t test me since obviously they are mistaken, and since I’m in the program then I don’t have to deal with them anymore. Nope, I have to do pretrial until my case is settled. Which would have been program completion. Easy enough, but I’m a fckin screw up, piece of shit that can’t wait 12 hours to get high. It wasn’t even good, or worth it to use that measly 25 dollars worth of hard.
So now I’m basically waiting for the cops to show up, and pick me up after the judge gets an affidavit from the lady saying I pissed dirty, which in turn would result in him issuing a warrant for my arrest, if he sees it fit. I told them straight up it will be positive for cocaine. The lady was already excited to show me my violation paperwork that she was ready to send out for not checking in. I came at 3:50 when I had until 4 that day to show. Was hoping the piss lab would close, and they would say come back Monday. I rationalized it all in my head that it would be fine, and I’d luck out again somehow. A pipe dream.
My friend at work is certain they will issue a warrant, and come to my house or work to get me. He says to write the judge. So, that’s what I’m going to do now to hopefully keep myself out of jail. I know some would rather me be there, but I really need to avoid it. Yeah Cuser, then why didn’t you just piss clean if you need to stay out so bad? Why didn’t you join the program immediately if it’s such a big deal to stay out of prison?
I hear ya. I don’t know. I thought I could skirt the system, and be fine. It’s how I roll. I thought I could have my cRake, and eat it too. I’m an idiot. I got such a sweet deal, and blew it. I’m just praying that he has mercy on me, and gives me drug court or something besides being locked up. Not looking to make excuses to him, just let him know that I think treatment would be more beneficial for me than jail. I’ll let him know about my history of addiction, and mental health issues. How I finally was able to get a full time job. And how I thought I could dabble in some drugs since they weren’t alcohol or opiates, which were my problems in the past. A moment of weakness. It wasn’t a big deal in my mind, but I realize I’m falling back into my old habits. I need treatment, not jail, to get better. I’m going to immerse myself in the program, and AA/NA. If you will give me the opportunity to prove that I can recover, and be a better man for my family, the community, but most of all myself, then I won’t let you down. Some bullshit like that. That may be too much. It ain’t lies though. I need this. I’m so close to being stable for once in my shit stain joke of an existence that I can’t just throw it all away, and rot in a cell. I already know it will make me bitter. I’ll come out even worse. I always do. I’ll count the days until I can get out, and get high.
Who knows. I may not deserve mercy, and deserve to withdrawal in a cold cell, losing my mind, while trying not to get shanked or ass raped. I’ll respect his decision, whether that be prison, probation, drug court, or whatever. But, obviously I have an issue if I can’t just wait a few fckin hours to avoid this whole situation.
I just know if I go back that it’s all over. Everything I worked for is gone. I know it seems like I haven’t done shit, but I’m so much better than I was. My mom will be done, and justifiably so. I’ll lose my job, as I should. And I’ll lose my will to keep fighting. Though I refuse to kill myself behind bars. That’s the one good thing about my addiction. It keeps me going to get that one last high. When I off myself, it will be when I’m all fcked up on everything I love. I’m not going to do it miserably in a cell with some flimsy sheet that probably doesn’t hold up with my fatass flailing around.
I was gonna flee the state, but I lost my all in on fckin Washington ML against Colorado. I couldn’t do it anyway. Can’t leave my dog behind. Another bid is gonna suck. I think I can make my case to him to allow me to go a different route. My luck he’s probably on vacation, and won’t get my letter, then his fill in will just issue a warrant. Oh well. You reap what you sow. Back in the day, I’d think about killing myself. I bought the gun to do it last time, before I was graced with a lawyer that needed my gun money to get me the jail time I wanted over doing drug court, in the few days I had to wait to pass the background check. Now I want drug court over jail time.
I really have improved from the dark path I was on. I like working, and having a normal life. Just happen to like drugs too. I’m only hurting myself, and I’m not a threat to society. Sucks that I may have to throw all the progress I made away because I can’t stop myself from hurting myself. Who gets hurt in the end? Me. If they wanna throw me away, then so be it, but I’m just gonna count the days to get high again because what’s the fckin point when they toss you into a cell when you’re only hurting yourself, and they don’t give you the help you need, instead they line their pockets with more money. Fck it.Comment -
You still in daytona? Seems like there would be more going onto lock up dudes failing piss testsComment -
You would think man. Still stuck in Dirtona, yep. I was thinking the judge would just let me be free until my court date, but my buddy says 100% he will issue a warrant. At this point, I barely care. I’ve rotted away going through the shit withdrawals before, so why not do it again.Comment -
try not to be in jail for the 500, thinking about going but i'm lazier than the dude
i'll pick up our bar tab, not buying penetrating crack though
will have TONS of cocaine
text me some time youre bored and wanting crack, i'll shit talk how awesome levis isComment -
it's all fun and games until you make your own crackComment -
Got paid today. I did better. Still got 60 whole dollars left. Paid off my loan at least, so I can take another one out tomorrow. Hoping they give me a good amount so I can pay ma back her 300. Worst case, she gets half of it, and kills me. I had it all planned out to not blow it. That went out the window quick, per the usual. If they just give me like 250, then all is well. I got 200 the first time, then it went to 130 for whatever reason, so hopefully it goes back up. Paid on time each one. No need to make my own crack. I’d fck it up somehow. Now let’s see if I can get some sleep. Long day tomorrow slanging turkey to rich folks.Comment -
benadryl is the hardest drug in the worldComment -
drink a fifth, sure
smoke a 1/4 every day, who cares
blow a gram during karaoke, big deal
2 benadryl, goodnightComment
