Addiction, A New Beginning

[The Kraken]

I've been pretty open over the last 5 years about my addiction to opiates. I did so in part to document how I felt at times, and to re-read those threads at later dates. Part of it was to get opinions on addiction and see what most thought about it because as Im sure you can imagine, its not something you bring up at work.

It really is amazing what documenting (or journaling, if you're a --) can do for you when looking back. To re-read my thoughts years ago, my feelings, my emotions, it's powerful. I read things I cant believe I wrote, I can tell when I was sober and when I was fukked up, the difference was probably easy to see for everyone, except me.

So I've decided the time has come to move on.

One of my favorite quotes about stopping an addiction is that "Stopping an addiction is not as simple as just stopping, its about having a reason to create a new life in which drugs or alcohol won't be a part of that life"

I now have that reason, she is beautiful and worth every bit of it. She deserves to have grow up with a parent that is not an addict, functional or not.

So today is day 10, and its been hard. My emotions have been a roller coaster, I've been irritable, hardly sleep, terrible diet, my life is changing from one where I was constantly numb and didnt give a fukk about anything, to one in which I again have to learn how to manage my emotions.

If you have experiences, by all means please share. If you can offer support please do. If you want to criticize and call names, go fukk yourself, and then say your peace.

Day 10.... Not an easy day, but one that will be gotten through.

[SEAHAWKHARRY]

Good luck you have realized the addiction now your on your way to recovery good job bud

[vegasridah]

Good for you. Stay strong and through perseverance you will succeed. One day at a time my friend.

[iceman02]

Good to hear man. I been there done that. I was once a victim of alcohol, weed, sex, prostitution, and gambling. I got rid of most of my addiction. Only thing left is the gambling. But in a way my gambling keeps me focused from my other sins. Funny how life is.

[Otters27]

Good to hear. eat healthy. that will help

[KVB]

[The Kraken]

Good luck you have realized the addiction now your on your way to recovery good job bud

Good for you. Stay strong and through perseverance you will succeed. One day at a time my friend.

Good to hear. eat healthy. that will help

Been using for the better part of the last decade, and over the last 8-9 years I've been using, the last 4 months have been the absolute worst. I thought the other day, Im either going to get clean, or start shooting heroin. And that is the truth, one of those two had to happen.

[The Kraken]

Good to hear man. I been there done that. I was once a victim of alcohol, weed, sex, prostitution, and gambling. I got rid of most of my addiction. Only thing left is the gambling. But in a way my gambling keeps me focused from my other sins. Funny how life is.

The addict mind is part of who we are, no less than eye color.

Most addicts relapse multiple times, and according to stats, I will as well. Well done on overcoming so much,

[Snowball]

Kraken, good luck, my advice is to change the diet and sleep.. eat more vegetables and fruit,
less meat, less dairy.. go to a whole foods or trader joes and try some new things, get
experimental.. and start taking a natural sleep aid, on a regular basis, these help with
deep REM quality sleep, both mental and physical.

http://www.swansonvitamins.com/swanson-superior-herbs-valerian-chamomile-hops-sleep-complex-60-caps

[shari91]

You've been struggling with this for so long - going back to when we were in Chat and even before that - and then you struggled with how to stop when you wanted to on top of that. The fact that you're now 10 days clean is remarkable. I'm almost a bit wary if that's even true because if it is, then dude you should be beyond fukkin proud of yourself!!!

(on a sidenote I had to edit your op for obvious reasons )

When I quit smoking - right before the last Bash - it was one of the worst things I'd ever gone through. And that included all the stuff you know that I've dealt with that I won't get into again now. On top of the physical stuff and then the knowledge that the mental part would last forever (providing me many outs to smoke again), I was then told by my doctor that quitting smoking was harder than quitting a smack habit. So that scared the shit out of me and then that's not even considering the fact I always hate when I'm told or feel I "can't" do something like the fun police are watching. The stubborn, fighter part of my personality says well yes I can, I'm this age, I have the money, blah blah blah and while that fight works well sometimes in different situations, in this one it was shit because I felt that I was quitting because others had told me to (they hadn't) so fuk them, I can do what I want.
It was a massive struggle and almost two years out I haven't f'd up once but man I've wanted to. I think if your personality is anything like mine it's an addiction but the bigger issue is not being so-called allowed to do what you want when you know you can fix what ever problem you have ie the shakes, irritability, etc so quickly. The trick is to remember you CAN cure those symptoms but it's the shit that fixes them that also causes them. The personality you're trying to get back to isn't yours to begin with. It's a blurred one. Get that out of your system and you'll never have those symptoms again xo

[shari91]

PS sorry if that ^^^ is a bit all over the shop. Trying to post on my phone after that latest IOS update and I have no clue what's going on with my phone!

[RonPaul2008]

Good luck Kraken.

[Ghenghis Kahn]

quitting smoking was the hardest for me. it took me about 10 attempts but last time i smoked a cigarette was over 7 years ago. addiction is more mental than anything. for opiates, it's probably different though.

i'm pretty sure quitting opiates is 100 times harder so do some research before you abruptly quit that stuff. if you do it the wrong way, it might negatively affect you in the long run.

whenever you feel weak, just think about your daughter. also the pain is temporary... gl pal.

[captrobey]

I am glad you are stopping. I have never myself touched an illegal drug or ever even tried a cigarette. But i have a step-brother who honestly i never talk to anymore who did nothing but steal from people to support his addiction. He almost died 3Xs from Overdoses . You can see how it has effected him mentally. It does nothing but destroy your life and everyone around you.

Stay away from it - life is short enough without having to give part of it up to the addiction. The fact that you are admitting it and doing something about it is huge. You will get to see your daughter grow up much longer and that is no small thing. Plus you will get your wits back and concentrate better. The best of luck with everything we are all here to talk to if you need us.

[Grits n' Gravy]

Good luck and stay strong for your little girl.

brooks is still a sheepfukker though.

[maggiethebestdog]

Any addiction can cause damage to your central nervous system. Also, many mental illnesses can occur. Depression can be present. That is what happened to me. When I quit everything i was abusing, i still didn't feel normal. Going to a shrink saved my life. I believe the key to long term sobriety is good mental health. Many people don't address that issue and fall back for reasons they don't even understand. It is unrealistic to think someone can abuse themselves with chemicals and not suffer that type of damage. Good luck. It gets better. I am a moron and i somehow made it. You have to reach out to people. Isolation is the worst thing substance abusers can do to themselves.

[pavyracer]

Good luck Kraken. Cold turkey is the way to go. My advice is to find another addiction that is not harmful to your health. Start collecting stamps or whatever to get your mind off drugs.

[The Kraken]

You've been struggling with this for so long - going back to when we were in Chat and even before that - and then you struggled with how to stop when you wanted to on top of that. The fact that you're now 10 days clean is remarkable. I'm almost a bit wary if that's even true because if it is, then dude you should be beyond fukkin proud of yourself!!!

(on a sidenote I had to edit your op for obvious reasons )

When I quit smoking - right before the last Bash - it was one of the worst things I'd ever gone through. And that included all the stuff you know that I've dealt with that I won't get into again now. On top of the physical stuff and then the knowledge that the mental part would last forever (providing me many outs to smoke again), I was then told by my doctor that quitting smoking was harder than quitting a smack habit. So that scared the shit out of me and then that's not even considering the fact I always hate when I'm told or feel I "can't" do something like the fun police are watching. The stubborn, fighter part of my personality says well yes I can, I'm this age, I have the money, blah blah blah and while that fight works well sometimes in different situations, in this one it was shit because I felt that I was quitting because others had told me to (they hadn't) so fuk them, I can do what I want.
It was a massive struggle and almost two years out I haven't f'd up once but man I've wanted to. I think if your personality is anything like mine it's an addiction but the bigger issue is not being so-called allowed to do what you want when you know you can fix what ever problem you have ie the shakes, irritability, etc so quickly. The trick is to remember you CAN cure those symptoms but it's the shit that fixes them that also causes them. The personality you're trying to get back to isn't yours to begin with. It's a blurred one. Get that out of your system and you'll never have those symptoms again xo

Great to hear from ya

Ya, it has been a long time, the better part of 10 years. I remember when I first started my addiction, I was getting 120 Oxy's a month, they'd last me all month with plenty left over. Then after a few months, I was running out about a week early consistently. So instead of my doc telling me to take them as prescribed, he upped how many he would give me so I would pop positive on urine drug screens and keep the DEA happy.

Now, 150 oyx's last me less than 10 days. I always save 5 to take the day before the drug test so I will pop positive.

I recently had back surgery, and so I got extras for the month, and at the end of the month I counted that I had taken nearly 450 pain pills for that month. Just sick

Congrats on your accomplishment, has it helped the lil guys breathing? or was that already a non-factor when you made your decision? I've heard from many people that quitting smoking is one of the harder habits to break. From a medical perspective, I can assure you, it was probably the best decision you've ever made

Time to move the fukk on, just like you did

[Martinr]

I've pretty much given up on giving up but plenty others have beaten opiate addiction and you sound like you're ready and have a good reason. The only thing that got me through the hardest days was exercise but if you're at day 10 then you're over the withdrawal hump and it's more about PAWS now. That gets pretty hard too. Excercise and some kinda support group going to help a lot. Best of luck with the future.

[The Kraken]

I've pretty much given up on giving up but plenty others have beaten opiate addiction and you sound like you're ready and have a good reason. The only thing that got me through the hardest days was exercise but if you're at day 10 then you're over the withdrawal hump and it's more about PAWS now. That gets pretty hard too. Excercise and some kinda support group going to help a lot. Best of luck with the future.

Thanks Martin! Sounds like we have walked similar paths.

I vividly remember sitting next to a really cute girl (very important to the story) on a flight many years ago, even think I posted about her, and she was really close to obtaining her pHd in psychology. So naturally we had quite a bit to chat about, and when I asked her what her thesis was on she said it was on assessing the likelihood that an addict would stay clean or relapse. What she had to say was fascinating at the time, it was all new to me. I didn't even realize at the time there was a science for evaluating how likely someone like you or me were to actually beating the odds.

What I remember most was her saying that there are 7 steps for evaluating exactly how ready and prepared someone is to quit their addiction, and the further you were in those 7 steps, the more likely you were to remain clean.

Needless to say, it's taken me almost 10 years to get to a stage where I actually want to quit.

I remember it wasn't a year ago, I was happy with my lifestyle of being a functional addict. Making six figures, living a great life if not quite numb, but I was happy and didn't have a reason to wanna quit. If I would have tried at that time, I promise you I would've relapsed within a few days.

It's no longer just about me though

[The Kraken]

Good luck Kraken.

quitting smoking was the hardest for me. it took me about 10 attempts but last time i smoked a cigarette was over 7 years ago. addiction is more mental than anything. for opiates, it's probably different though.

i'm pretty sure quitting opiates is 100 times harder so do some research before you abruptly quit that stuff. if you do it the wrong way, it might negatively affect you in the long run.

whenever you feel weak, just think about your daughter. also the pain is temporary... gl pal.

Thanks Ghenghis, good post, and thank you for the last line, that will come in handy.

I am glad you are stopping. I have never myself touched an illegal drug or ever even tried a cigarette. But i have a step-brother who honestly i never talk to anymore who did nothing but steal from people to support his addiction. He almost died 3Xs from Overdoses . You can see how it has effected him mentally. It does nothing but destroy your life and everyone around you.

Stay away from it - life is short enough without having to give part of it up to the addiction. The fact that you are admitting it and doing something about it is huge. You will get to see your daughter grow up much longer and that is no small thing. Plus you will get your wits back and concentrate better. The best of luck with everything we are all here to talk to if you need us.

Thanks for sharing the story. I agree wholeheartedly. Addicts rarely recognize the collateral damage we've left behind, myself included. There is guilt involved, but I'll get it dealt with.

Good luck and stay strong for your little girl.

brooks is still a sheepfuc ker though.

Maybe the wisest thing said yet

Any addiction can cause damage to your central nervous system. Also, many mental illnesses can occur. Depression can be present. That is what happened to me. When I quit everything i was abusing, i still didn't feel normal. Going to a shrink saved my life. I believe the key to long term sobriety is good mental health. Many people don't address that issue and fall back for reasons they don't even understand. It is unrealistic to think someone can abuse themselves with chemicals and not suffer that type of damage. Good luck. It gets better. I am a moron and i somehow made it. You have to reach out to people. Isolation is the worst thing substance abusers can do to themselves.

I haven't ruled out seeing someone yet. There will be things I have to work through

Good luck Kraken. Cold turkey is the way to go. My advice is to find another addiction that is not harmful to your health. Start collecting stamps or whatever to get your mind off drugs.

Thanks paver!

My new addiction will be biking, and eating healthy and others have said.

[daneblazer]

They say the first step is admitting...I think it's actually wanting to stop. You can admit all day but unless you want to be sober more than you want to drink & drug it's futile. You ever go to AA? I know this isn't an alcohol problem, but the addictions are similar and there are often addicts in AA. It's fukkin hard to stop by yourself. Even if you think you found a reason in your kid. Good luck Kraker

[pavyracer]

Good choice. I bought a bicycle a couple years ago and ride it on trails. When your daughter gets older she can ride with you.

[The Kraken]

They say the first step is admitting...I think it's actually wanting to stop. You can admit all day but unless you want to be sober more than you want to drink & drug it's futile. You ever go to AA? I know this isn't an alcohol problem, but the addictions are similar and there are often addicts in AA. It's fukkin hard to stop by yourself. Even if you think you found a reason in your kid. Good luck Kraker

I couldn't agree more. I admitted it for years, never did anything about it, didn't want to. My life was perfect in my eyes.

Sadly, that couldn't be further from the real truth of what I put my wife and our marriage through.

I'm not 100% sure who my support group will be, whether AA, a professional, family, friends, SBR, not sure

[daneblazer]

Might I suggest against SBR

not family & friends. They won't understand. Starting talking about it with your wife 4 months from now and she will freak out.

Counselor or someone who has already been through the ringer and is living life. Need someone who understands where you're coming from.

[Martinr]

Like Shari said, it's a massive achievement to have gone 10 days
If you've reached the stage where you can handle the temptations you're gonna face (with your job being what it is) then celebrate those times when you can give the drug safe the finger.
Don't want to add any negativity here but there's also going to be times when you have had enough of the built up pressure of staying clean and you just wanna say "fukc it, one pill isn't gonna hurt". That's when the old one day at a time comes into it. Sometimes it's one minute at a time. 10 years is a lot of time to "undo" and it might even take the next 10 years for your body and mind to adjust to being normal. That's just the cost of living in that nice comfortable soft (un)reality for so long and you have to pay for it now. All part of the good journey though and worth every step

[Tboonepickem]

Nice to hear bud! Congrats on your success so far, keep up the great work!

[MoneyLineDawg]

Painkillers are very easy to get addicted to because you can live your normal life fine with them....You can work, exercise, whatever and then wake up fine as long as you have more for the next day. Not like alcoholics that are out of control and hungover....You can live your life better in some aspects which is the scary thing....Obviously you were taking a bunch and that's when it can get bad so it's good you seem ready to quit

Eat as healthy as possible and make sure you work out and break a sweat almost every day even if you don't feel like it, make time. Your body produces natural chemicals to make you feel better when and after exercising so that can be a healthy alternative in a way

Are you working during this? From what I've heard it can be hell if you're that far addicted....Also did you/ are you taking something like suboxone?

[brainfreeze]

this is awesome man, probably one of the best post I've seen on here in a while... Especially since you are thinking of another life other than your own... And you are 100% correct, your daughter deserves better than that, stay positive, and remember what you're fighting for...

I'm sure you can do this..if you want to talk about anything feel free to pm. Hope you well...

10 days is a big rock to climb though...congrats!

[KVB]

[gauchojake]

Congrats on the decision Kraken and congrats on the 10 days. You don't have to relapse. Listen to Daner

[The Giant]

Kraken, we have been through many wars.

Sometimes on the same side, sometimes on the opposite.

You know it's easier to win a war when I'm on your side, right?? Let's get this done here. I'm totally on your side. I think you should check-in every day and update your sobriety.

Best of luck to you and yours.

[The Kraken]

gaucho, giant, KVB, thank you all for the support today

Day 11 done. Still not comfortable in my own skin, anxiety, tired.... But this is part of the process I guess and I'm at least aware that these symptoms are normal, and may be for some time.

Day 11 and I just want to fast forward to day 365

[El Nino]

Best of luck. Stay away from toxic friends and like others have said, eat well, exercise, and sleep 8 hours. I know you are a nurse...avoid working nights. Get out in the sunlight. I've heard of alcoholics "rebooting" their brains after a while in regards to drinking = pleasure or is necessary. Not sure about opiates...best to see an addiction specialist.

[brainfreeze]

gaucho, giant, KVB, thank you all for the support today

Day 11 done. Still not comfortable in my own skin, anxiety, tired.... But this is part of the process I guess and I'm at least aware that these symptoms are normal, and may be for some time.

Day 11 and I just want to fast forward to day 365

The road is longer than you think for some... and can be a bit depressive, because of the manipulating of your brain chemistry, elevating serotonin levels and so fourth ... Sometimes will take years to redevelop, people are different though, and react differently ... Hopefully it will be shorter than longer for you...


Even tho I know you prob. don't want to hear this, my thoughts and prayers are with you going through this trial in your life krak...