I am bored, entertain me!
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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first ass hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is..'
I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax .
It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an asshole !'
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea.
I called Asshole #1.
He said, 'Hello.'
I said, 'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah.'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me!'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.
Then I called Asshole No. 2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole .'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fair fax , and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.[quote=jjgold;5683305]I win again like usual
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[quote=Whippit;7921056]miami won't lose a single eastern conference game through end of season[/quote]Comment -
So far that load of crap is in the leadComment -
A young boy went to his father and asked, "Dad, what's the difference
between theory and reality?"
"Well, son, the best way to explain this is a practical exercise. Go ask
your Mom if she'd sleep with a stranger a million dollars and come tell me
her answer."
The boy returned and said, " She said she would, Dad." "OK," replied the
father, "Go ask your sister the same question."
The boy returned and said that his sister also answered yes to the
question and then asked his Dad, "What's this got to do with theory and
reality?"
"It's simple, son. In theory, we live with millionaires.
In reality, we live with a couple of Whores."Comment -
Your Moma is so fat
when she step on the Weight Scales it says...'to be continued'...
she once went on a seafood diet...whenever she saw food she ate it!
folk exercise by jogging around her!
when she bends over, we enter Daylight Saving Time.
she sat on a Nintendo Gamecube and it turned into a gameboy
she make Kiko the Whale look like a Smartie
NASA plan to use her to shore up the hole in the Ozone layer
she was measured at 38-26-36 and that was just the left arm...Comment -
"Doctor, won't you please kiss me?" asks the patient.
"No. You're a very beautiful woman, but it's against my code of ethics," replies the doctor.
"Please, just one kiss," she pleads.
"Sorry," says the doctor. "It's totally out of the question. I shouldn't even be ****ing you."Comment -
what do you call a mexican who lost his car answer is carlos
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Nice!Originally posted by Sunde91
i need to do some research in my Hustler Humor for thisComment -
3 guys riding in a car...a mexican, a puerto rican and a black guy..
Who's driving?
The PoliceComment -
A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks, he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"Carmen," she replied.
"That's a nice name," he said. "Did your mother or father name you that?"
"Neither," she said. "I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen."
"Why did you do that?" he asked.
"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What's your name?"
"Beer
," the man replied.
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A Big Indian Walked Into A Whore House,and Says "me Want Woman" So The Clerk Looks At Him And Asks"you Have Any Experience"the Indian Replied No. So The Clerk Walked Him To The Frontdoor And Pointed To A Tree On A Hill And Said. See That Tree, Theres A Hole In That Tree Around This Big."0" Go Practice On That Tree For A Day Or So,then Come Back And I'll Give You A Woman. So The Indian Went And Came Back A Day Or So Later. He Says To The Clerk "me Want Woman" The Clerk Says. Ok Third Door On Your Left Up Stairs.
Around 3 Minutes Pass When All Of A Sudden The Clerk Hears Screaming Coming From The Room.so He Runs Up Stairs, Opens The Door And Sees The Indian With A Broom Stick In The Womans Pussy.
He Says What The fuk Are You Doing? The Indian Replies, THIS TIME ME CHECK FOR BEES FIRST.Comment -
Whats the difference between circus full of midgets and a girls track team?
Ones full of running little cuntsComment -
You know why I'm banned from delivery rooms?Because when I run out of milk for my cereal I sneak in and steal their milk.Comment -
so a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar... Wait, nevermindComment -
What do you call 2 mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on juan aka 1 on 1Comment -
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Black Parrot
A black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. "Wow," says the bartender. "That is really something, where did you get it?"
"Africa," says the parrot.
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A black woman was filling out forms at the welfare office. Under "Number of children," she wrote "10," and where it said "List names of children," she wrote "Leroy." When she handed in the form, the woman behind the desk pointed out: "Now here where it says "List names of children," you're supposed to write the names of each one of your children." "Dey all named Leroy," said the black woman. "That's very unusual. When you call them, how do they know which one you want?" asked the welfare worker. "Oh, den I uses the last names."Comment -
So when duz this contest endComment -
Q: Why did Ron Artest leave the basketball game early?
A: He wanted to beat the crowd.Comment -
Originally posted by jgiun1Comment -
An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"
Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid."Comment -
That Leroy one really had me cracking up!
keepem coming guys good stuff hereComment -
Originally posted by Sunde91
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What do you call clak clak clak clak boom?
A drive buy in amish countryComment -
Whats the most confusing day in harlem?
Fathers dayComment -
Guy was stuck in the middle of the desert he said he would sell his soul for water.The Devil heard and appeared to him with water he said you can have it under one condition you can never jizz again.The guy quickly agreed and went home to fuk his wife.His wife sucked his dick for an hour and finally said where are your balls.He quickly looked down and found what he had traded for a glass of water.Comment -
A retired man & his wife were planning their vacation so they decided on a cruise around the Mediterranean. After a couple weeks having a great time the wife started getting ill, but the last stop was Jerusalem & the holy land so she didnt wanna go home.
While at Port in the Holy land she got worse & passed away. The cruise line told the husband they would take care of the transport of her body home, but they would also pay for whatever accommodations for her to be buried in the holy land. He demanded she be sent home. A Rabbi even again asked if he was sure he didnt want his wife buried in the holy land, the husband said "Many years ago you all buried a man here and I'm not taking that chance"Comment -
Greatest thread so far here!
Keep posting gems, i will hand out points to funny ones, but i am running low now!Comment -
I am not racist at all.....but this site I found these on had me cracking the F up
Q: What do you call a black guy who goes to college?
A: A Basketball player.
Q: How can you tell a black person is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: Why are there more black folk then Indians?
A: Because we haven't played Cowboys and Black folk yet!
Q: How do you break up the "Million Man March"?
A: Fly overhead with helicopters and drop job applications.Comment -
I once got my nose busted for telling a black joke, & no black people were around
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Why do mexicans have small stearing wheels?
so they can drive with handcuffs onComment -
What's a mexicans favorite book store?
BordersComment -
Why don't Mexicans play hide and seek?
Cause nobody will look for them?Comment -
What do you call a mexican on a riding lawnmower?
Promoted-----What do you call a building full of Mexicans?
Jail-----What does a mexican get 4 christmas?
Your TV-----Why are mexicans and basketball players a like?
they both run jump shoot and steal-----What do you call one Mexican on the moon? A problem. What do you call two mexicans on the moon? A bigger problem. What do you call all of the mexicans on the moon?
Problem solved-----Why aren't there any mexican's in hell?
they jumped the border-----Why do mexicans wear their baseball cap with the brim up?
So they have a place to keep their taco.Comment -
Lady was on neighborhood watch so while on duty she fell asleep she awoke to find herself strapped ass up with a paper taped to her pussy saying not worth the 10 days of watching you.Comment
