f'n gophers have invaded mother f'n DonkLand.... send bill f'n murray or some tips

[Auto Donk]

no idea where these lowly mother fukkers came from (rodney al czhervic dangerfield isn't putting in condos across the street), but I need to get rid of the fukkers asap, as it looks like my front lawn is being goddam escavated by the obnoxious kahksuckers......

mother fukker!

so far, this looks like my best bet:

[Auto Donk]

been watching goddam youtube videos.... one guy used a jet engine to blast fire into the holes; another a self-made flamethrower to blast into the holes, and this mother fukker risks blowing up his entire back yard to kill the bastards.....

mother fukkers have been constructing more tunnels than the viet cong in my yard while I had noticed due to bangin' my wife non stop for the past month......

[Auto Donk]

decided I'm going to use some leftover tannerite from a recent shooting excursion and my trusty .22 long rifle to blow the fukkers to kingdomcome......

will place a liberal ammount of tannerite on the most recent tunnel i filled back in, and when I see the earth move as he pushes it up, I'll blast the tannerite and, in the words of that uberdyke susan powder, "end the insanity"......

it'll look something like this (tannerite here employed against hog infestation):

[Auto Donk]

JJ, grab a case of beer and get over here, as I need someone to shoot the shit with as I wait for some action in the hole......

expect something along these lines:

[pablo222]

Did you try water yet. Be careful if you kill the golfers they will lock you up and throw away key.

[Auto Donk]

Did you try water yet. Be careful if you kill the golfers they will lock you up and throw away key.

I flooded the kahksuckers yesterday, and while I didn't have enough water pressure to do this:

I did have enough pressure to see twenty-twenty five holes all flush water to the surface simultaneously, and while none scurried out, I did see a few holes that fire ants were hurrying into to eat the drowned carcasses......

now I'm resigned to blowing up the rest......



by the end of the week, I'll be lookin'/actin' like this......

[Demonata]

What i did is i had my dogs out there. Than flooded the hole with water until they would pop up around the yard than the dogs would eat them.

[Auto Donk]

problem is, my f'n dog is a horny little mother fukker, and these fukkin' gophers are in the front, and if I let the little son of a bitch out, he'll run the fuk off in search of pussy in the neighborhood, leaving the goddam gophers to party on with "splash day" as I turn my fukkin' front lawn into a goddam rice paddy.....

f'n dog..... they say they mimic their owners, and such is definitely the case with AstroBear.....

he's a total f'n poonhound.....

how could a dog this good lookin' not want to go out and capitalize on his looks????

[Demonata]

problem is, my f'n dog is a horny little mother fukker, and these fukkin' gophers are in the front, and if I let the little son of a bitch out, he'll run the fuk off in search of pussy in the neighborhood, leaving the goddam gophers to party on with "splash day" as I turn my fukkin' front lawn into a goddam rice paddy.....

f'n dog..... they say they mimic their owners, and such is definitely the case with AstroBear.....

he's a total f'n poonhound.....

how could a dog this good lookin' not want to go out and capitalize on his looks????

Gophers probably win fighting that dog. My golden retrievers and labs messed up those gophers.

[Auto Donk]

on the flip side, if any female gophers join the fray against the Bear, safe to say he will fuk em to death...... my wife's leg can attest to his hard pounding action......


little son of a bitch is an astute study, I'll give him that..... he knows exactly what I'm doing when my better half's ass is jacked up and she's got two handfuls of sheets, trying to hang on........

[LT Profits]

Some Gophers you don't mind.

[Demonata]

Some Gophers you don't mind.

She probably got std.

[Auto Donk]

Some Gophers you don't mind.

all gophers deserved to be hammered, some in one way, others in "other ways".......

[b1slickguy]

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I probably don't need to remind you, but don't forget to get a tube of pellgun lube, too.

[MinnesotaFats]

Bwhahaha

We live with this invasion yearly...good luck

[Auto Donk]

live with it?

fuk that, my entire front lawn is like quick sand when you walk across it.... every other step you sink when you step due to some v.c. like tunnel beneath the surface.....

I tannerited one of them, now I'm having a load of top soil brought in to fill the 8-ft hole it blew open..... body count was 2-3 gophers; i couldn't find but two heads, but I wound up locating 9 paws, so unless one was a genetic freak, 3 of the kahksuckers are dead.....

f'n buddy of mine owns a dirt/rock/materials company, dump truck is on the way......

this is going to prove to be an expensive war; had no idea recarpet grassing my lawn would be this expensive, but I'll blow the whole fukkin' place up if that's what it requires.....

natural predators are taking advantage of the mayhem my war is causing, as two owls were up in my oak tree early this morning; they may have feasted on some of the pests as they wandered through the killing field, probably deaf and buzzed due to the percussion blast wave through the tunnels when the tannerite blew sky high......

[Auto Donk]

shit.... apparently a neighbor called the city out, to see if the explosion damaged any underground pipes or the road out front itself.... I've got some city kahkmasters wandering around out front now, poking around and looking concerned......

[JAKEPEAVY21]

I have a gopher/gophers in my backyard as well as ground squirrels

never in a million years did I think I'd be able to differentiate gopher holes from ground squirrel holes

the squirrels actually make more of an eye sore, gophers fill their holes back up when they are done feasting

[Auto Donk]

shot a little video of the mayhem my little explosion caused, city guys wondering what the fuk a front end loader is doing here after several neighbors apparently reported a bomb going off last night around here.....

I'm kind of hiding out back waiting for the dust to settle.....


they suspect sewer gas ignited; I feigned being russian, with no knowledge of the english language.....

[Auto Donk]

when tannerite gopher huntin' creates a stir:

city is trying to block my guy from filling in the hole; now they've blocked off my side street so they can investigate.....

told them I have no clue what happened; probably a teenage prank some punk pulled last night........

[Auto Donk]

shit... now that my initial plan has been pretty well shelved, I'm goin to follow someone above's recommendation, and train my f'n dog AstroBear to rip their fukkin' heads off:

[Auto Donk]

cops here now making a report.....

this is fukkin' ridiculous.... one sank in a gopher hole, so I think he may be putting two and two together..... asked me if I heard anything, and I told him yes, but didn't think much of it, as I was having sex with my wife at the time, to quell the pain of yet another astros loss...... he seemed to by it......

[chico2663]

we always took a 3 ft metal pipe and hammer.. Went to where ever there was a raise in the lawn. place spike above it and hammered down. it always worked. Now my dad always supervised on a lawn chair with a 12 pack of stroh's. I'm sure being in Texas you could replace it with Lone star. If your child isn't old enough I'm sure you can call big brothers or a foster agency and rent one.

[Nut_Flopper]

Borrow a Jack Russell Terrier for a day or two.

My friend also swears by the Gopher Hawk trap. It's like $25-$30 on amazon.

[chico2663]

Donk you need one of these. Was hitting some girl in the projects. She was bitching about rats. My chihuahua/rat terrier took care of it

[Bostongambler]

That’s a lot of carpet/rugs

[chico2663]

I had a pom also. (bought for some girl) There was a pit going after her and this little shit cost me grand where he locked on to the pit side face and ripped. Had to pay for the city inspectors to come by twice a month to check if i had him locked up. He bit local hippy. Fukker is a rescue and thinks he is muy malo perro.

[chico2663]

Donk you need one of these. Was hitting some girl in the projects. She was bitching about rats. My chihuahua/rat terrier took care of it

i Had stroke so had to have everything on floor so didn't spill.

[chico2663]

I was warren's body double

[MaltedHopsFrenzy]

so far, this looks like my best bet:

Best thing is the old school spikes - find the newest hole, dig in until you hit the tunnel (should be right there), set a piece of celery or carrot on the ground above the trap - BOOM! - you'll catch those b@stards in minutes.

Second best is a dog in the yard, or, shovel dog turds into the hole. Gophers hate dogs & smell of dogs.

Don't waste money on any other gimmick like the "sound" pole or "gopher gassers" - they don't work.....

Good luck.

[MaltedHopsFrenzy]

Best thing is the old school spikes - find the newest hole, dig in until you hit the tunnel (should be right there), set a piece of celery or carrot on the ground above the trap - BOOM! - you'll catch those b@stards in minutes.

Second best is a dog in the yard, or, shovel dog turds into the hole. Gophers hate dogs & smell of dogs.

Don't waste money on any other gimmick like the "sound" pole or "gopher gassers" - they don't work.....

Good luck.

Almost forgot - string a piece of like fishing line to the trap, tie the other end to a big A$$ screwdriver & plug that into the ground. Sometimes these buggers don't die instantly and drag the trap underground.....

[RudyRuetigger]

are you sure you have gophers?

sounds like moles

[Auto Donk]

crescent shaped exterior to holes, pocket gophers....

seven of the fukkers are dead now.... one fukker still out there.....

other side of the yard has some fukkin voles...... goddam zoo out there

[RudyRuetigger]

atleast you didnt say the A word (armadillo)

although those are the easiest to kill

all you need is beer, a gun, and a flashlight.....in that order

[JAKEPEAVY21]

donk, get a blue heron and problem solved