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Male Life Cycle
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big
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When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big.
On their 50th Anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine , and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and said, " Mission Accomplished."
I lost my virginity to a retarded girl ... I wanted my first time to be special.
I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, "Please, think of my children!"... Kinky bitch.Comment -
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sounds good. Wish others did as well. Hardly anyone documents their plays. Thats when it becomes tough
Mark my words. I will be better then 15-15 on teases by the time football season ends .
Will finish over .500
No more NCAA football mixed in though. Doubt I will watch... let alone bet on the championship game tomorrow.Comment -
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talking to a girl-
"Hey, I heard an interesting stat the other day. They said that 80% of women masturbate in the shower. Know what the other 20% do?"
"No, what?"
"Yea, I figured you were in the first group."
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 106 Rose Cottage Lane?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me..How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.
'The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'
The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.
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'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store & says; 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."Last edited by HERBJONES; 01-06-14, 01:53 AM.Comment -
lol . Uh oh . Now Herb posting jokes...
this opens up a whole new world for the Fly Me
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''Comment -
for SmokenJOke AND SBRMAN
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this is true....
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there
Three guys die in a car crash and go to heaven. Before they can enter heaven however they have to answer one question from god. The question is how many times have you cheated on your girlfriend/wife? The first guy answers: quite a lot of times, around 30 times I think. God says “you may enter and you get this brand new Volvo to drive around in heaven.” The second guy answers: 7-8 times. To that god replies ” Alright, you may enter and you get this brand new Mercedes to drive around in heaven” The last guy answers “none, I have never cheated on my wife” and god gives him a brand new Ferrari to drive around in heaven.
So the three guys spend their time in heaven driving their brand new cars when suddenly the first two guys, with the Volvo and Mercedes, see the third guy slowly stop and get out of his Ferrari to cry. The first two guys approach the third guys and ask: What’s the matter? Why are you crying? Don’t you like your new car? To that the third guy answers: No it’s not that, I just saw my wife on a bicycle.
If the Government gives incentives to companies that hire the handicapped, what does the Government get for working with Obama?
A shy guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful blonde woman sitting at the counter. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
"Um, do you mind if i buy you a drink?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" And walk out the door. Everyone in the bar is now staring at the guy.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and walks away to his table.
After a few minutes, the blonde woman returns and walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says,
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,
"WHAT?! $200 FOR A BLOWJOB?!"
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along side the road eating grass. Concerned over the scene, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food;" the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass to survive."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "I am grateful for your generousity, but, sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."Comment -
cant decide which one is sexier ?
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The Best and Funniest Genie Story Ever!
A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. She promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So, the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door, they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the floor, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A large man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"
"Uh...yes, Sir. We're very sorry about that," The husband replied.
"Oh, No apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a Genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but, if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" The husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it; it's the least I can do. And, I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! Now you, young lady, what do you want?" The genie asked the wife. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home, complete with servants, in every country In the world," she said.
"Consider it done, "the genie said." And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, Genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife!"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, Honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So, the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, he rolled over, looked directly into her eyes, and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded, breathlessly.
"No kidding," he said. "Thirty-five-years-old, and both of you still believe in genies?"Comment -
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wtf. The last minute of the video
the girl in the red shorts with Jada Stevens wins btw
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anyone know who that girl is in the red by chance ?Comment -
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some very sniffable crotches there!...
...PS...did anybody read my genie joke?
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Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs." The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I''m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."Comment -
going to run off to the corridors and get blazed up real quick .
Want to continue on our 7-0 winning streak of dominance on the greens herb ?
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A Jewish guy, a Catholic guy, and a Mormon guy are sitting in a bar bragging about their virility.
The Jewish guy says "I have 4 sons, one more, and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic guy chimes in and says "Oh yea, that's nothing, I have 10 sons. One more for me and I'll have a football team!"
The Mormon guy laughs and goes "Big deal. I have 17 wives. One more and I've got myself a golf course."Comment -
lol Manster. I wish I could say I knew what u was talking about.
But that rampage of posing that just occurred... im sure there is more then a couple things I missed .
Will check the last page a bit better once I return from my THC journey .
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There is a 3 story apartment building with 1 apartment on each floor. A white family lives on the top floor. A mexican family lives on the second floor. A black family lives on the bottom floor. At 2:00 PM in the afternoon a terrrible tornado hits the building, totally destroying it. Which family lived?
The White family, because both parents were at work and the kids were in school.Comment -
how come you dont play golf with us damanster? sometimes we even have surprise guestsComment
