Boys this is better than Christmas an Juneteenth an Halloween all rolled inta one day. Screw the free candy an the red koolaid an the presents. Today, my friends, is Opening Day on Square Hunting Season. Diamond Sports International is gonna make it rain cash money all over the ol' Prick. All i gotta do is pitch a no-hitter an I get paid 10,000 smackers. All you gotta do is score more units than me an you earn a chunk of my dough (wish in one hand an shit in the other, see which one fills up first). Most times i tell folks not to bother since i'm takin the loot but this year the more what play the more my pay. Sign up, post up, an make yer picks you buncha contest whoores. the more the merrier, its a kinder gentler sorta Prick this year kinda like progressive politics.
Dont be jealous cause i got a sweet gig an you are postin in your Dr. Denton PJ's from your momma's basement. Im a bonafide innerweb celeb thats been in the game longer than most of ya have been standing up to pee. Aint a bookmaker in the caribbean I aint drank with or worked for or bet with. back in the day there wasn't a local across 4 states that would take my action, and i moved more dough around the world in one hour than any of you morons have earned in a lifetime.
love me, hate me, fear me, mock me. i could give a rats ass less either way. my business is beatin #s and this year business is gonna be out-friggin-standing. just business boys, i dont hate nobody and i dont care if nobody hates me. down to the picks boys, sit up straight an get out yer pencils. lets see if any a you rocks is smart enough ta absorb some knowledge:
CMU +8 this # is way too friggin many. i aint sayin these directional michigan injuns are worth a damn. young team an new coach, no worries. i am sayin the friggin god-squad owls aint 8pts better than anybody even if jesus hisself is throwin bombs down the sideline. CMU done won 18 straight agains MAC east opponents. am guessin the number gets down to 7 so feelin good with a free point. Chippewas are the right side an 8 is a good number.
BYU PK them Falcons can score 240 or so against the East Colorado Community College for the Blind, all that did was skew this #. Service academies normally start strong an get ground down, but they also normally play crap schools early in the season. them fly-boys got purty haircuts an all but aint no way in hell they whup the Mormons unless they got some jets droppin napalm and such all over the visitor sideline at Falcon Field.
St Louis Rams +4 Bradford best start drinkin milk or he dont last 5 games in the NFL. good thing this is week one, halthy o-line should keep him alive most of the game. 1-15 last year but that dont mean much. home dog boys, no brainer. besides, kharma is a sumbitch. didnt it used to be the St. Louis Cardinals? I'll take four at home all day long in this spot
Ravens +2.5 can you say flash in the pan? now that Tony Dungy the boys scout squared away that fat bastard jets coach they aint gonna have no fire. ravens aint beatin their chests no more, looks like the jets are tryin that role out. real reason for the pick...."pinny lean" look it up boys and thank me
got no more time for you squares, this aint a charity an i aint the welfare admin. gamblin 101 classes fer free i'll leave up ta justin7 an so forth. i get paid 10-12 dimes we can do this again some time. remember me well girls an sorry to alla you sheep that go 4-0 an dont get paid squat.
