"Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Jesus, don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of shitting on you".
JJGOLDs- "Remember how you used to make fun of me for being bald?...No, I'm not gonna make a joke. I'll let your mirror do that."
"Who in the **** is tila tequila? Is she a stripper?...That's her? Yeah, that's a stripper, son, I don't give a shit what you say."
"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."
"I didn't say you were ugly. I said your girlfriend is better looking than you, and standing next to her, you look ugly."
"Don't ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying nobody's panties are getting wet from a ****ing Honda Accord."
"War hero? No. I was a doc in Vietnam. My job was to say "This is what happens when you screw a hooker, kid. Put this cream on your pecker."
"HIDDEN roaming charges? Jesus, Sprint has '****ing people' down to a science, like they practice it in a ****ing lab on mice first."
"I lost 20 pounds...How? I drank bear piss and took up fencing. How the **** you think, son? I exercised."
"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed." (my buddy got robbed by a hooker in vegas).
"I don't get it; I sweat, I smell fine. You sweat, you smell like mule shit...Relax, she's on the treadmill next to you, she knows."
"Don't mess with him...Trust me, you don't **** with a man that sleeps next to a woman he never screws. They're unpredictable."
"I'm just gonna be me and they can go **** themselves...Don't care, that's the only attitude you can have when you go to the DMV."
"You can watch the house while I'm gone. Just don't call me unless something's on fire, and don't screw in my bed."
"I like See's candy. Put me in a See's store, I'm eating candy. The whole world is Tiger's See's store, and the candy is vagina."
"No, you can not borrow my t-shirt...How about instead of standing there looking shocked, you do your ****ing laundry?"
“We’re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it’s okay to hump, and it’s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out."
"I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. **** that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit."
"The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out."
"You sure do like to tailgate people... Right, because it's real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time."
"Just pay the parking ticket. Don't be so outraged. You're not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked."
JJGOLDs- "Remember how you used to make fun of me for being bald?...No, I'm not gonna make a joke. I'll let your mirror do that."
"Who in the **** is tila tequila? Is she a stripper?...That's her? Yeah, that's a stripper, son, I don't give a shit what you say."
"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."
"I didn't say you were ugly. I said your girlfriend is better looking than you, and standing next to her, you look ugly."
"Don't ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying nobody's panties are getting wet from a ****ing Honda Accord."
"War hero? No. I was a doc in Vietnam. My job was to say "This is what happens when you screw a hooker, kid. Put this cream on your pecker."
"HIDDEN roaming charges? Jesus, Sprint has '****ing people' down to a science, like they practice it in a ****ing lab on mice first."
"I lost 20 pounds...How? I drank bear piss and took up fencing. How the **** you think, son? I exercised."
"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed." (my buddy got robbed by a hooker in vegas).
"I don't get it; I sweat, I smell fine. You sweat, you smell like mule shit...Relax, she's on the treadmill next to you, she knows."
"Don't mess with him...Trust me, you don't **** with a man that sleeps next to a woman he never screws. They're unpredictable."
"I'm just gonna be me and they can go **** themselves...Don't care, that's the only attitude you can have when you go to the DMV."
"You can watch the house while I'm gone. Just don't call me unless something's on fire, and don't screw in my bed."
"I like See's candy. Put me in a See's store, I'm eating candy. The whole world is Tiger's See's store, and the candy is vagina."
"No, you can not borrow my t-shirt...How about instead of standing there looking shocked, you do your ****ing laundry?"
“We’re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it’s okay to hump, and it’s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out."
"I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. **** that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit."
"The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out."
"You sure do like to tailgate people... Right, because it's real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time."
"Just pay the parking ticket. Don't be so outraged. You're not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked."
