9 Reasons People Hate Tim Tebow
April 26, 2010 at 8:13 am by Thrillhouse - (39) Comments
| | More
If you are a fan of football, or even if you’re not, chances are you heard of Tim Tebow. A head scratch may be induced at the reading of this title, and you may find yourself asking, “why hate Tim Tebow?” These are two stupid questions for which I hope to supply legitimate answers. Love him or hate him, you will be seeing a lot of him in the months to come. If you do love him, I hope that knowing he wouldn’t have sex with any of the girls at this party if given the opportunity will sway your opinion.
The Weeping Bitch
Watching this guy cry is about as painful as watching Glenn Beck cry. Tears have no place in a post-game conference for a regular season game. It’s not like Mufasa just died, or you just won your first Oscar, so cut the shit, Tebow. He loses a game, weeps like a bitch, and is applauded for being an inspirational leader. The Gators run off nine in a row shortly after and it’s all because Tebow sobbed, not because one of the most dominant defenses in the nation gave up only thirteen points a game thereafter.
Jesus Owns His Penis
One of the best, if not the best, perk of being a college football superstar is the ease of cooter obtainment. However, Tebow squanders this blessed gift and shuns the more than 27,000 women who attend the school. He could have given Wilt “The Stilt” a run for his money, but instead he decides to give that to A.C. “The Real 40 Year-Old Virgin“ Green. Personally, I think it’s pretty selfish of him to deny the student body his Tebow-ner the way he does, but that’s just one honest man’s opinion. Imagine if Hugh Hefner decided to end every night with a jerk-fest rather than a bunny-plow. I know, unfathomable, right?
Overexposed
I’m usually stoked for the NFL draft, but for some reason I wasn’t this year. I’m just going to go ahead and blame it on Tebow. It felt like every other story from every media outlet had to do with him. I’m surprised the guy doesn’t have his own television show or brand of bibles (instant idea: A reality show where Tebow goes shanty town to shanty town spreading the good word, as he offers free edible bibles on the condition that people read it before they eat it).
Overrated
I wonder how Tebow’s teammates feel about him. He gets most the credit when they do most the work. He’s the most overrated fullback-who-happened-to-line-up-at-quarterback of all time. The guy has an average arm, shitty pocket awareness, and plays in a gimmicky system. It did Alex Smith a lot of good playing in that same offense, didn’t it? Sure, the guy won two national championships, but he took only a handful of snaps in the first. He then threw two interceptions in the second where Percy Harvin supplied most the offense, and the defense dominated. OVERRATED.
Preachy-Keen
One of the beautiful things about living in our fine country is the right to worship whoever we so please. Allah, Buddha, Jesus, Elvis – I really don’t care who your preferential deity is, so long as you’re not trying to force it down my throat. Personally, I frequent the Church of Scarlett Johansson on a nightly basis with my bottle of Jergens. I believe strongly that every man in this world should be stroking his shaft to the religious establishment in her underpants. Does that mean it would be okay for me to paint, “Scarlett Boobies 3:16” underneath my eyes whenever I’m on television? What about running an ad during the Super Bowl that told all the men of the world that the sperm and lotion they’ve been wasting on Megan Fox is immoral?
Homeschool Honor Roll
Have you ever been friends with a homeschooled kid? If you’ve answered yes, then you know just how awkward it can be. All the ones I’ve ever befriended turned out to be arrogant, brainwashed, overbearing weirdos who made me feel like they were only coming over so they could play with all the cool shit their own parents wouldn’t buy them. (Yes – I’m talking about you, Eric).
Self-aggrandizement
Everything this guy does just reeks of self-promotion. Here are a few examples: 1) If I was doing missionary work in an impoverished country, I sure as shit wouldn’t hire a camera crew to follow me around and record my every good-willed move. 2) Gators lose a conference game and he gives a now “immortalized” speech where he rants for three minutes about how he is going to single-handedly save their football season by working extra hard (Christian hard!), and makes no mention of his team at any point. 3) The “spontaneous” moment where MEbow decides his shoulder no longer needs a sling during a nationally televised basketball game he just happened to be attending where all cameras were on him. 4) The overly dramatic announcement of his return (to get rolled by Alabama) in Florida.
Fellatio from ESPN
If the past few years have taught me anything about ESPN it’s that they love Tebow almost as much as New England area teams. Did their firm east-coast bias really need to be strengthened further? I cringe at the thought of having to endure the Favre-like coverage that is going to take place in the next year. At least we’ll know which hand he’ll use to scratch his nuts while his ass waxes the Bronco bench. They might as well compare him to Mohammed Ali while they’re at it. Oh wait – they did.
He’s a Douchebag
You did just read the article – right?
