Whats up fellas, boy have i got a story for you.
Have not gambled since July 5th 2009, thats the good news.
The bad news is a lot more complicated.
1st)Yes i lost more than i won overall since i came back in April, that part became obvious because i really went on tilt in late june/early July and lost it all. I'm done for good boys, i have not even watched more than 3 innings of baseball since that day. I think i may have ruined sports for myself.
2)My family is still here, they saw i was serious this time and was at my absolute bottom. They helped me some, but i've dug myself such a ****in hole now i'll never get out. I've painted us all into a corner, and i've felt so much guilt its made me sick, no excuses, sorry can't possibly mean enough, my wife, son, mom and dad are saints, PERIOD.
3)I've run into problems with my job that has caused me sleepless nights and despair, i can't hardly tell you whats happened except they have gotten layoff happy, and shipped jobs to India to take those from us here. I've been given an assignment, along with some others, to develop QTP (test automation) scripts and its just blowing me away at times. I had some, let me emphasize SOME, training in this back in september 08, and never used it till july 09, how the fuk am i supposed to know it? If ANYONE knows QTP (HP quick test pro) and has some advice, please let me know, honestly boys, this thing has almost sent me to the psycho ward with panic, i'm afraid i'll lose my job too if i can't do it.
4)My business just got its 1st customers now and this has me freaked out, what if i can't service them, what if i screw up their accounts worse than they already are/get them sued. I KNOW how to negotiate, but theres alot more to it than that and its got me freaked out. The shining light in this is its my ticket to freedom, if i can harvest this, FUK my job, this will be my thing full time.
Boys i've been to a counselor, they put me on Paxil and i took it for 2 days and had to quit, i felt so bad, and so much anxiety that i was about to flip out. So i am now taking St John's Wort for my mood, and Ambien CR to help me sleep at night. Still been waking up at 5 AM and having a hard time getting back to sleep...
I KNOW most of this is as a result of giving up gambling for good, in my heart i know its gone, the thing i did basically EVERY single day since march 1995 is history and while i love the fact its no longer in my life, my life has never been this fouled up in other ways before. I couldn't get money and gamble now if i wanted. GA has the saying, Prison, Insanity, or Death and thats where i was headed. Take my example for what NOT to do.
Boys i was so carefree, fukking happy at times, but the net result has been misery. I'd give just about anything to have a normal feeling again, it comes and goes, but my downs and more frequent than my ups. I'm not manic depressive, thats been ruled out, but i am fighting depression.
I know i am rambling here, but the bottom line is this..
I've been clean since july 5th 2009, have no desire to gamble, and thats really the key, before when i had quit i was "white knuckling" it, and that can only last for so long. I had to find God and be REALLY wanting to quit. My life in the long run will be better because of it, there is NO DOUBT, but this short run, combined with my job and business stress has taken its toll.
Say a prayer for me gentlemen, i pray to St Jude every night, the patron saint of hopeless cases. Mostly i want to find another job and/or see my business take over. I live in fear of being laid off as i know another round will happen in Feb/march of next year, i almost welcome it, but its also terrifying.
Salud men, back soon!
Have not gambled since July 5th 2009, thats the good news.
The bad news is a lot more complicated.
1st)Yes i lost more than i won overall since i came back in April, that part became obvious because i really went on tilt in late june/early July and lost it all. I'm done for good boys, i have not even watched more than 3 innings of baseball since that day. I think i may have ruined sports for myself.
2)My family is still here, they saw i was serious this time and was at my absolute bottom. They helped me some, but i've dug myself such a ****in hole now i'll never get out. I've painted us all into a corner, and i've felt so much guilt its made me sick, no excuses, sorry can't possibly mean enough, my wife, son, mom and dad are saints, PERIOD.
3)I've run into problems with my job that has caused me sleepless nights and despair, i can't hardly tell you whats happened except they have gotten layoff happy, and shipped jobs to India to take those from us here. I've been given an assignment, along with some others, to develop QTP (test automation) scripts and its just blowing me away at times. I had some, let me emphasize SOME, training in this back in september 08, and never used it till july 09, how the fuk am i supposed to know it? If ANYONE knows QTP (HP quick test pro) and has some advice, please let me know, honestly boys, this thing has almost sent me to the psycho ward with panic, i'm afraid i'll lose my job too if i can't do it.
4)My business just got its 1st customers now and this has me freaked out, what if i can't service them, what if i screw up their accounts worse than they already are/get them sued. I KNOW how to negotiate, but theres alot more to it than that and its got me freaked out. The shining light in this is its my ticket to freedom, if i can harvest this, FUK my job, this will be my thing full time.
Boys i've been to a counselor, they put me on Paxil and i took it for 2 days and had to quit, i felt so bad, and so much anxiety that i was about to flip out. So i am now taking St John's Wort for my mood, and Ambien CR to help me sleep at night. Still been waking up at 5 AM and having a hard time getting back to sleep...
I KNOW most of this is as a result of giving up gambling for good, in my heart i know its gone, the thing i did basically EVERY single day since march 1995 is history and while i love the fact its no longer in my life, my life has never been this fouled up in other ways before. I couldn't get money and gamble now if i wanted. GA has the saying, Prison, Insanity, or Death and thats where i was headed. Take my example for what NOT to do.
Boys i was so carefree, fukking happy at times, but the net result has been misery. I'd give just about anything to have a normal feeling again, it comes and goes, but my downs and more frequent than my ups. I'm not manic depressive, thats been ruled out, but i am fighting depression.
I know i am rambling here, but the bottom line is this..
I've been clean since july 5th 2009, have no desire to gamble, and thats really the key, before when i had quit i was "white knuckling" it, and that can only last for so long. I had to find God and be REALLY wanting to quit. My life in the long run will be better because of it, there is NO DOUBT, but this short run, combined with my job and business stress has taken its toll.
Say a prayer for me gentlemen, i pray to St Jude every night, the patron saint of hopeless cases. Mostly i want to find another job and/or see my business take over. I live in fear of being laid off as i know another round will happen in Feb/march of next year, i almost welcome it, but its also terrifying.
Salud men, back soon!
