Joke of the Day.

I.R.B · 10-08-08, 11:12 PM

MarioBareseSP · 10-08-08, 11:29 PM

So silly, It's actually quite funny.

Panic · 10-08-08, 11:30 PM

Anyone else got a joke? I want to read one.

MarioBareseSP · 10-08-08, 11:34 PM

Short but sweet.

Man is doin' the deed with his gf. He pauses and asks her if he can put it in her ear.
She says "Are you crazy, I'll go deaf"
He says "No you won't, I put it in your mouth all the time and you never shut the F*** up.

I.R.B · 10-08-08, 11:37 PM

Haha.. Keep them coming people.

MarioBareseSP · 10-08-08, 11:52 PM

A blonde chick sees another blonde chick trying to row her boat across a corn field.
the blonde chick gets angry and screams to her.
"It's stupid blondes like you that give us all a bad rap, if I knew how to swim I'd go over there and kick your a** right now!.

Panic · 10-09-08, 12:12 AM

An old married couple, Fred and Martha, were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversay, so they decided to go to the county fair, where they went on their first date. Walking through the grounds, they saw the plane ride. When they were younger they always wanted to try it buy never did. Finally, Fred says " Lets go up. We arent getting any younger and this may be our last chance."

Martha replies. "We dont have much money. We are in our retirement and we cant be spending our money on things like this."

Fred tells her, "Lets go see what it costs."

So they walk over to the pilot and ask him how much it is for the ride. The pilot tells them it is 500 dollars. They cant afford it. The pilot sees that they want to go up but dont have the money, so he makes a deal with them. He says, "I will take you up for the ride. If neither one of you make a sound, the ride is free. But if one of you says a word, screams, whatever...you play the full price. Deal?"

Fred and Martha look at each other and say "Okay."

So up they go. The pilot starts to twists, loops, flips,....everythig he knows to make a person scream. But after 30 minutes of this, he still doesnt hear a peep. Finally, he lands the plane. On the ground, he says to Fred "Man, I really tried to get a sound out of one of you. And nothing. Congrats. Rides on the house."

Fred says. "I gotta tell ya. After that first turn, when Martha fell out, you almost had me."

Tsoprano · 10-09-08, 12:16 AM

Tsoprano · 10-09-08, 12:17 AM

The Italian Man Who Went To Malta...

pretty funny

Willie Bee · 10-09-08, 09:53 AM

A drunk is stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

The drunks asks, "Offisher, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the drunk says, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

pico · 10-09-08, 10:28 AM

A fire was reported in a three family house mid-morning Wednesday last week.
There were many fatalities.
On the first floor lived a black family - 6 fatalities.
On the second floor lived a Mexican family - 13 fatalities.
On the third floor lived white family of 2 - no fatalities.
A reporter at the scene made headlines with this story.
Immediately the fire chief and his department were attacked by NAACP,
Jesse Jackson and other black right's groups as well as the Mexican Consulate as being racist in their handling of the fire and loss of life issues.
There was some unsettling discomfort when questioned further the fire
chief explained why the family on the third floor survived the fire and the
others did not.
His response was, "They were at work."

pico · 10-09-08, 10:29 AM

Sometimes You Get What You Ask For!

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said, 'Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time.'

She replied, 'You have the biggest dick of all your friends.'

ZXCVBNM · 10-09-08, 10:30 AM

Originally posted by picoman

A fire was reported in a three family house mid-morning Wednesday last week.
There were many fatalities.
On the first floor lived a black family - 6 fatalities.
On the second floor lived a Mexican family - 13 fatalities.
On the third floor lived white family of 2 - no fatalities.
A reporter at the scene made headlines with this story.
Immediately the fire chief and his department were attacked by NAACP,
Jesse Jackson and other black right's groups as well as the Mexican Consulate as being racist in their handling of the fire and loss of life issues.
There was some unsettling discomfort when questioned further the fire
chief explained why the family on the third floor survived the fire and the
others did not.
His response was, "They were at work."

Uh....................... no.

pico · 10-09-08, 10:30 AM

MAD COW DISEASE!

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview witha farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.Lady Reporter: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"The Farmer stared at the reporter and said:
"Do you know that a bull screws a cow only once a year?"The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed) reports "that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?
"The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information,but what about getting to the point?
"The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your breasts twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get MAD?"

pico · 10-09-08, 10:31 AM

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

pico · 10-09-08, 10:34 AM

Circumcised (this is priceless)

For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons,
or who just love the things little kids say ~ a
reminder that adult words are often taken
literally......

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of
the class was squirming around, scratching his
crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to
find out what was going on. He was quite
embarrassed and whispered that he had just
recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's
office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her
what he should do about it. He did and returned to
his class... Suddenly, there was a commotion at
the back of the room. She went back to investigate
only to find him sitting at his desk with his
'private part' hanging out. 'I thought I told you
to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said,
'and she told me that if I could stick it out till
noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'

pico · 10-09-08, 10:35 AM

Grandpa & Grandson:

A five-year-old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch
together, when grandpa pulled a beer out of the cooler. The little boy
asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a beer?'

Grandpa replied 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

The little boy answered, 'No Grandpa, It's just a little
pecker!'

Grandpa said, 'Then you're not man enough to have a beer.'

A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar. The little boy asked, 'Grandpa,
can I have a cigar?'

Once again, Grandpa asked, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

The little boy answered 'no' again. Grandpa said, 'Then
you're not man enough to have a cigar.'

A little later, the boy came out of the house with some cookies and milk.

Grandpa asked, 'Can I have a cookie?'

The boy asked, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

Grandpa replied, 'Hell yeah, my pecker can touch my ass!'

The boy replied, 'Then go **** yourself. Grandma made these for
me.'

pico · 10-09-08, 10:36 AM

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'

'Perfect,' her husband said, 'I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository; it's up to you.'

pico · 10-09-08, 10:41 AM

Women Are Evil By Nature...

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured
alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. Sheseductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with bothhands. 'Actually, no,' he replied. 'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender. 'Is there anything I can do?' 'Yes. I need for you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping acouple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

'What should I tell him?' the flustered bartender managed to stammer.

'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

pico · 10-09-08, 10:43 AM

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disa ppointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

pico · 10-09-08, 10:43 AM

Is a dog ...truly a man's best friend?

Try this experiment to find out for sure.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for one hour.

When you open the trunk...who is really happy to see you?
.

pico · 10-09-08, 10:45 AM

MY LIVING WILL ....

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.

pico · 10-09-08, 10:46 AM

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God, and I didn't.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but
when they go, they take your house and car.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove
seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual
experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've
been divorced three times."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me
the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had
slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman
to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly,
"So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant,
my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a
45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said .
"We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they
would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father
escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the
waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed
something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage,
the bride gave him back his credit card.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and
men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked,
"When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation
members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband,
a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Gene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful
teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord.. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says,
"Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes
to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody
who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is
happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,
"Well, I spoke to your wife.. I spoke to her on the phone
for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
"Take the poison

wtf · 10-09-08, 10:59 AM

how do you clear out a mens locker room????????

NICE COCK

Willie Bee · 10-09-08, 12:10 PM

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 20 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.

"If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

His wife replies, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear that he was gay and thought you were cute, then asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Panic · 10-09-08, 12:28 PM

Guy walks into a bar and sees a jar full of twenties. He gets a drink from the bartender and asks what the jar of money is for. The bartender replies that if someone can swallow everything in the spittoon next to it, they get the money. After a few more drinks, the guy tries it. He stuffs his 20 in the jar and picks up the spittoon and starts chuggin'. Everyone in the bar is in shock. The guy has sh!t spilling out the sides of his mouth but he is still going. Customers start getting sick at watching this and the bartender finally says "Hey, buddy, the money is yours, just stop driking that."

The guy is still chugging it down.

The barthender once again says, with more force, "Pal, you won the money! Put the spitton down. People are throwing up watching you!"

After a few more seconds the guy finally puts the spittoon down and wipes his mouth. The bartender asks him "Didn't you hear me? I said you could stop drinking that sh!t awhile back. The money was already yours."

To which the man replied "I couldn't. It was all one piece."

bigboydan · 10-09-08, 01:48 PM

Originally posted by picoman

MY LIVING WILL ....

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.

SBR Lou · 10-09-08, 01:49 PM

Originally posted by wtf

how do you clear out a mens locker room????????

NICE COCK

Willie Bee · 10-10-08, 11:17 AM

A man goes into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman behind the counter says that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said, "This is embarrassing, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist says, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "Tthe best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses."

pavyracer · 10-10-08, 11:26 AM

Seventeen blondes were standing outside a movie theater. When someone asked why they are all waiting for so long outside the theater they repilied: "Under seventeen not allowed for NC-17 movies."

Panic · 10-10-08, 11:29 AM

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample. a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the man says, "What?". So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

Panic · 10-10-08, 11:35 AM

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

Willie Bee · 10-10-08, 01:53 PM

The difference between having Guts and having Balls...

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?"

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

Willie Bee · 10-10-08, 02:35 PM

A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars.

"Gimme' your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich," the trucker tells the Madam.

The Madam replies, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and a dinner of steak and lobster."

The trucker says, "I ain't horny, I'm homesick."