English Mikes Bash Blog

RogueJuror · 08-23-08, 03:41 AM

nice.. continue it man

Art Vandeleigh · 08-23-08, 04:51 AM

Good one englishmike (blog + joke)

Bread · 08-23-08, 08:20 AM

Fantastic update EM.

SlickFazzer · 08-23-08, 08:23 AM

Ganch is a mad scientist.

pavyracer · 08-23-08, 08:24 AM

Since when English blog like Yankees?

gummo · 08-23-08, 08:25 AM

Great stuff Mike.

purecarnagge · 08-23-08, 09:00 AM

Weak ass blog. Wall of text hits everyone for 1 million damage and you die.

paragraphs, or at least attempts at paragraphs is nice.

jgm1967 · 08-23-08, 09:15 AM

Geat blog english mike.That is hilarious about the oasis story.Most american barbers are not going to get the liam look.

.I always bring in pictures of bands or actors and it never works,they always say they are barbers not miracle workers.I just shave my head now.much easier

Great job on the blog

Love the stone island avatar,you must be only english hooligan in vegas

cheers

Robyn · 08-23-08, 09:17 AM

You are a very funny guy, Mike.

I heard there were pictures. Where the hell are the pictures??

dwaechte · 08-23-08, 10:34 AM

Love it mike, keep 'em coming!

bigboydan · 08-23-08, 12:18 PM

I'm bald alright Mike. I might have to join JJGold's bald mans anonymous club soon.

JoshW · 08-23-08, 01:17 PM

Was good meeting you Mike.

SBR Lou · 08-23-08, 02:14 PM

Great stuff Mike!

betplom · 08-23-08, 02:18 PM

Originally posted by bigboydan

I'm bald alright Mike. I might have to join JJGold's bald mans anonymous club soon.

Dan, that was a stunning revelation, your posts and writing style gave no indication you are bald.
Who knew?

Any other "shockers" we should know about.

BadNina · 08-23-08, 02:51 PM

It sounds like you are having a great time

englishmike · 08-23-08, 05:05 PM

Slickfazzer: Go to a free bar, drink as much as you can in 2 hours, lose money, drink more beer, go to Subway but lose another 80 at roulette on the way (thus making your 5 dollar foot long an 85 dollar footlong)and then try and find your hotel room along the darkest corridors in Vegas when youve only seen it once. Then see if youre worried about paragraphs. However, for you today I'm gonna write like I graduated out of Oxford. Hows the Midwest son?

Anyway, back to Vegas. My top five observations so are as follows:

5) Richie would feel good in the backstreets round here, walk one block in the wrong direction and it's like a reallife epsiode of cops. Crack heads, drunks, barreled in lifetime degenerate gamblers and hookers with faces like a bag of spanners, it aint pretty but I did donate about 87c of shrapnel to a guy with no teeth who stank of pee. I thought he was gonna ask me for money for food but he said: 'Creditwagering, must have out, A+ book.' I'd swear it was Richie.

4) If you want to lose money in a hurry, and I mean REALLY fast, play SBR John for money on the golf course, the man is absolutely lights out, but hey, the guy is a semi retired gazillionaire, what do you expect? I can confirm the $300 Bose headset was won by that jammy, lucky, crappy, cheating dog Brock Landers. Well done Brock for beating me by 3 feet, I hope theres a power surge that makes you think youre at a Slipknot concert for the next three years.

3) The credit crunch has arrived in Vegas and all aspects are affected. No more free beer if you're watching your friend drop 2K, and no beer if youre sat with someone putting little Johnnys college fund through the Wheel Of Fortune machine, things have changed. For the purposes of research for my blog I did notice a lot of hookers still lookin for work in the very early hours and when I walked back to my room there was a distinct lack of headboards smashing against walls, this is Vegas 2008 people, the good old days are just that The only good thing is the dealers are actually quite polite downtown, as opposed to the strip where they give you that look of: 'We've had your money, now fvck off.'

2) People don't talk about JJ Gold as much as I feared.

1) Beat The Prick. I don't know where to start but I will swear on my 11-month-old sons life this is an accurate version of events. So I'm talking to cute SBR girl Amber and she's hot. I'm guessing she's 24, great body, she's as fit as a mountain rescue dog and hotter than Vegas ashphelt and by that point I'm convinced I can take a shot because I'd already had one chat and this was the chance for the kill. So we're talking and over comes The Prick, says he wants to take a picture. Ok I thought, no problem,take your picture and fvck off, i'm at a critical point of diologue here. So the Prick clicks away and off he went. He was gone. But he wan't completely gone. The Prick decided to leave behind the smelliest egg ridden fart you've ever had the misfortune to be around without a gas mask, if you hung a carcass in your lounge for a year without air conditioning the smell wouldnt have been as bad. I knew it wasn't me and I knew Amber wasn't capable of such a hideous and nauseating smell, it had Dennys written all over it, and beileve me, Amber doesn'tdo Dennys. So there I am, I can smell it and the cute Amber can smell it, it was an awkward moment, I didn't know whether to mention it and possibly run the risk of her thinkin it was my smelly ass and I'm an excuse maker, or not mention it so she can think I've got a smelly ass without an excuse. That is the true definition of 'between a rock and a hard place' My mind was racing, I didn't know where to go and the beer kicked in and I just blurted out something about shaving your pubic hair and the pros and cons of that very erotic and desirable event. With the stench still lingering she politely made her excuses and left, leaving me to inhale the permanent reminder of my ill-fated photo oppurtunity.
I'm pissed.
Evertime I see the thread that says: 'Beat The Prick,' all I'm gonna think about is grotesque smells and rejection, thus making it impossible for me to enter. Life stinks sometimes.

Bread · 08-23-08, 05:09 PM

Originally posted by englishmike

5) Richie would feel good in the backstreets round here, walk one block in the wrong direction and it's like a reallife epsiode of cops. Crack heads, drunks, barreled in lifetime degenerate gamblers and hookers with faces like a bag of spanners, it aint pretty but I did donate about 87c of shrapnel to a guy with no teeth who stank of pee. I thought he was gonna ask me for money for food but he said: 'Creditwagering, must have out, A+ book.' I'd swear it was Richie.

Holy fk. Fantastic! BE CAREFUL EM!!!!

SBR Lou · 08-23-08, 05:12 PM

Originally posted by englishmike

1) Beat The Prick. I don't know where to start but I will swear on my 11-month-old sons life this is an accurate version of events. So I'm talking to cute SBR girl Amber and she's hot. I'm guessing she's 24, great body, she's as fit as a mountain rescue dog and hotter than Vegas ashphelt and by that point I'm convinced I can take a shot because I'd already had one chat and this was the chance for the kill. So we're talking and over comes The Prick, says he wants to take a picture. Ok I thought, no problem,take your picture and fvck off, i'm at a critical point of diologue here. So the Prick clicks away and off he went. He was gone. But he wan't completely gone. The Prick decided to leave behind the smelliest egg ridden fart you've ever had the misfortune to be around without a gas mask, if you hung a carcass in your lounge for a year without air conditioning the smell wouldnt have been as bad. I knew it wasn't me and I knew Amber wasn't capable of such a hideous and nauseating smell, it had Dennys written all over it, and beileve me, Amber doesn'tdo Dennys. So there I am, I can smell it and the cute Amber can smell it, it was an awkward moment, I didn't know whether to mention it and possibly run the risk of her thinkin it was my smelly ass and I'm an excuse maker, or not mention it so she can think I've got a smelly ass without an excuse. That is the true definition of 'between a rock and a hard place' My mind was racing, I didn't know where to go and the beer kicked in and I just blurted out something aboutshaving your pubic hair and the pros and cos of that very erotic and desirable event. With the stench still lingering she politely made her excuses and left, leaving me to inhale the permanent reminder of my ill-fated dilogue. I'm pissed. evertime I see the thread that says: 'Beat The Prick,' all I'm gonna think about is grotesque smells and rejection, thus making it impossible for me to enter. Life stinks sometimes.

picantel · 08-23-08, 05:21 PM

omg lol I laughed myself silly about the prick

sickler · 08-23-08, 05:22 PM

lol Mike, Prick really is a prick

Robyn · 08-23-08, 05:29 PM

Mike, I think I might be developing a small crush on you.

BadNina · 08-23-08, 05:35 PM

Now that was funny

englishmike · 08-23-08, 06:18 PM

Originally posted by Robyn

Mike, I think I might be developing a small crush on you.

I'm not into causing pain and heartache when people are in relationships however I am up for a tag team threesome which we could film and call 'Sbread em wider.'

pavyracer · 08-23-08, 06:19 PM

fart jokes are the best. never been done before. very original.

Bread · 08-23-08, 06:23 PM

Originally posted by englishmike

I'm not into causing pain and heartache when people are in relationships however I am up for a tag team threesome which we could film and call 'Sbread em wider.'

Don't say another fking word.

I'm in.

englishmike · 08-23-08, 06:25 PM

Originally posted by pavyracer

fart jokes are the best. never been done before. very original.

Its the best I've got Pavers old chap, you could always post a blog about what you did last night but I don't suppose there's alot of mileage in: 'Sat at computer with bag of Cheetos for dinner.....again.'

I miss you Pavers. xxx

pavyracer · 08-23-08, 06:27 PM

The only joke so far is the fact that you claim to be in Vegas.

Bread · 08-23-08, 06:35 PM

I fking love Pavy.

gummo · 08-23-08, 09:25 PM

Hey Mike, is this the babe from the infamous fart story? I can understand why you would be pissed!

englishmike · 08-24-08, 06:39 PM

Back home.

So the first bash in SBR history is just that, history and before I go any further I'd like to thank John for paying for it, it obviously wasn't cheap and no expense was spared, they went out of their way to look after people so thanks for that.

Talking of John, I've got a great story from the golf course, it was cringe worthy. He laid on a luxury bus and we went down there pretty early on Saturday morning, some of us obviously a bit worse for wear. There was seven in total and we split up into two groups, one group of three and one group of four. I got paired with John himself so I had the pleasure of riding the course in a cart with John Earnhardt Jr, sorry, I mean Walker and off we went.

On the first tee John went last and after the three of us had hit our balls with varying degrees of sucess John proceeded to step up and crunch a drive 250 yds down the fairway, dead straight, a pro would be happy with it, so from that point on all John wanted to do was break par on this course while he patiently waited as the rest of us scrambled our way round with varying degrees of sucess. Because he had his eye on one thing, breaking par, and I could see immiedietly he was serious I just played my game but made sure to be as courteous as I could from a golf standpoint, i.e, not walking across his line on the putts and playing my shots a bit quicker because John had to wait for three tards to fvck up on every hole before he could take his shot, but still he was still being patient.

One of the guys in our group(cant remember his screen name but I'd never heard of it) was drinking Corona from the first hole onwards and by about the seventh was showing serious signs of retardification, he'd been crap to start with but now he was just embarassingly bad with balls hitting the roofs of houses and whizzing over peoples heads and he just didnt get the fact that John was being really patient and cutting everyone some slack because he was so far and away better than us.

So we're on a hole and John has a putt for birdie, its a big putt and John is really zoned in, he wants the birdie bad. Myself and the other guy in our group finshed our putts which left John and the other guy. The other guy then proceeds to take six shots to try and get out of a bunker when he'd already had six shots to get into it and at that point anyone else would have put the ball in their pocket and told John to carry on. Not this guy. On he goes, beating the sand out of the bunker to a point where their was more out than in and for the first time John cracked a little bit. 'You can pick that up and take a penalty shot if you want' says John, his way of saying 'pick the fvckin ball up.' 'I think i've got it now' says the guy in the bunker and carries on regardless and I'm starting to feel embarrassed for the guy. When the ball finally comes out he's then on the putting green, 8 feet away. He hits the first putt, it goes 8 feet past the other way, he hits the next, 6 feet past, he hits the next, 6 feet past, he hits the next, 4 feet past, he hits the next, 4 feet past, on and on it went, it was an absolute train wreck. Anyway, the moral of this story is, apart from telling him he could pick it up if he wanted, John was as patient and as couteous as he was all day which is a credit to John. I'd have knocked him out.

So the golf finished and we went back to the hotel and because I'm not really a poker player I went to the sportsbook and couldn't pick a winner.

The banquet in the evening wasn't as drunken as I thought it was going to be, I think people were still tired from the day/night before and monkeyflocker looked like he'd been out all night with Ronnie Wood, he was in a serious mess. The biggest revelation of the banquet was when poster Jenbird went up to the microphone and proceeded to tell the assembled bunch of retards that she reguarly does Ganchrow in the ass with a strap on....I kid you not, she did say this, and went on to say she would do it to anyone who wanted it for 15 grand and I thought 'I'll have some of that' but the problem was it was $14,913 more than I had so I knew negotiations were going to be tough.

I was in a bad spot, I was 50% of the way to getting done in the rectum by Ganchs chick and the only problem I had to overcome was raising 14 grand in 20 minutes, which obviously I failed to do. I considered asking SBR John if he'd put the money up and film it for SBRtv as an exclusive but I realised that, although I'd spent a couple of hours in a golf cart with him I didn't know him quite well enough to be asking to him to film some fetish porn with a couple of strangers. I factored in the gas money home and asked her if she'd do it for 40 and she thought about it for a bit but said no, I was disapointed because I realised what a great thread it would make on here if I could manage to get 'Bashed in the rectum at the bash,' that would have been the thread title but like my bets all weekend, it wasn't meant to be.

Jenbird then went back to Ganchrow and told him of my generous offer and he pulled me over about 20 minutes later and asked me why Id only offered her 40 bucks so I tried to explain to him its all about the math, something he knows plenty about. I had 87 bucks and offered her 40, just under 50%, if that was a bankroll bet he'd say don't put so much up but I dont think Ganch applys Martingale when his wife negotiates a rectum bashing.

So with the bash over my conclusion is this: It doesn't matter where you are, people seem to gravitate to people whom they think they might have something in common with without actually knowing anyone. Imagine if yourself and twenty other people started in the same job on the same day, you would probably latch onto two or three people and become friends or aquaintences but you wouldn't give the whole 20 the same amount of time because you wouldn't have time and thats how the bash went down. Of all the people that were there I probably became minor friends and aquaintences of three or four people max and didnt get one cell number, none was offered and I didnt feel the need to ask. Of all the people that were there I probably said hello to 50%, had no interaction with 50% and of the 50% I spoke to probably actually had conversations with 20%. Its weird how people who have the same sense of humour and the same outlook on life tend to gravitate towards the same people and thats how it played out, I couldn't tell you who half the people I spoke to were but I quickly realise I'd probably have a better time if I hung around Iwin and his girlfriends fabulous breasts, Monkeyfocker and Pimike, plus the 2 guys from Jersey and Canada that went to Bellagio after the banquet. I think my point is, although it's a bash because you have SBR as the common denominator, the reality is you're a bunch of strangers you know nothing about and you're pretty much a bunch of strangers when you leave and the people you actually either have something in common with or form a bond with is very very low. That said, it was still a great event and fantastically genourous of John to do it so thanks again John for your genoristy. I'll see you there next year when my luggage will consist of $15,000
in fake notes and a dildo.

The end.

pimike · 08-24-08, 06:46 PM

Glad you made it back safe mate

picantel · 08-24-08, 06:52 PM

Man I love it when englishmike puts up a story. Great stuff as usual and funny as hell.

thezbar · 08-24-08, 06:54 PM

Almost like being there

pavyracer · 08-24-08, 07:05 PM

I have one question for mike. Did you go to an american high school in England?