Dear Oprah,
I am a 35 year old white male with some common issues that need to be discussed with you. I notice that after 20 years, your show has never tackled issues that affect the common man like myself. What gives kiddo? I mean if you can produce 23 shows about your weight, 17 shows about Vivica A Fox and 5 shows giving away cars your audience has to pay taxes on, the least you can do is show some love for me. Back to the task at hand Opster (may I call you that)? I have been living a secret double life for to long now. Some guys like other guys, some like animals, some just like to hang themselves in closets in Third World countries. My affliction is much more deranged. I cannot receive "satisfaction" unless there is an image of a midget visible during intercourse. Now Oprah, don't get me wrong, i am not talking about the 4 ft 11 legally classified midgets. I am talking about the REAL tiny ones that couldn't go on the rides on Disneyland even if they had lifts in their shoes and a 70's afro. I like em small honey. I have tried everything to remedy this situation. I tried making normal girls walk on their knees, wore binoculars backwards to bed so they would look smaller...I even tried drrssing one of my girlfriends up like one of the midgets from the Lollipop Guild. Alas, all this work making them short made me a bit short in the bedroom if you know what I mean. I beg you Oprah, can you help me with this problem? I mean you helped that girl last week conquer her fear of pickles, why not me? If not you can you ask Dr. Phil? He seems to be as depraved and loony as me. I am looking forward to your response.
Your number one fan,
Casperwaits
P.S. I like you better when you were fat.
I am a 35 year old white male with some common issues that need to be discussed with you. I notice that after 20 years, your show has never tackled issues that affect the common man like myself. What gives kiddo? I mean if you can produce 23 shows about your weight, 17 shows about Vivica A Fox and 5 shows giving away cars your audience has to pay taxes on, the least you can do is show some love for me. Back to the task at hand Opster (may I call you that)? I have been living a secret double life for to long now. Some guys like other guys, some like animals, some just like to hang themselves in closets in Third World countries. My affliction is much more deranged. I cannot receive "satisfaction" unless there is an image of a midget visible during intercourse. Now Oprah, don't get me wrong, i am not talking about the 4 ft 11 legally classified midgets. I am talking about the REAL tiny ones that couldn't go on the rides on Disneyland even if they had lifts in their shoes and a 70's afro. I like em small honey. I have tried everything to remedy this situation. I tried making normal girls walk on their knees, wore binoculars backwards to bed so they would look smaller...I even tried drrssing one of my girlfriends up like one of the midgets from the Lollipop Guild. Alas, all this work making them short made me a bit short in the bedroom if you know what I mean. I beg you Oprah, can you help me with this problem? I mean you helped that girl last week conquer her fear of pickles, why not me? If not you can you ask Dr. Phil? He seems to be as depraved and loony as me. I am looking forward to your response.
Your number one fan,
Casperwaits
P.S. I like you better when you were fat.
