My Take on Celebrity Deaths
We are just past the halfway point of 2009, in what seems to have been a crueler year than usual for celebrity mortality. The sports world was saddened a couple of months ago with the loss of former NBA star Wayman Tisdale, and then completely rocked this week by Steve McNair’s homicide - two guy who left us way too soon. But it hasn’t been only the sports world that has been touched. Movies, television, music…heck…even the porn world had a huge death! We lost the biggest celebrity that any of us will know of in our lifetime recently. And now it’s time for Bread to reflect.
By all counts I am a pretty morbid person. Death is on my mind a lot. It amazes me. It’s ridiculous that the single most important date of your life besides birth has to be such a depressing topic. But this structure has been in place since the beginning of time, and it’s up to those who remain to cope in the best way that they can. Some cry. Some go into denial. Some play in celebrity death pools.
I am not into celebrity death pools. Not because I think it’s wrong, I just don’t have the time. But my sincerest congratulations to anyone who had Billy Mays on their list. That had to have been worth some sweet points! Kaboom!
Ricardo Montalban – I would trade current spots with Mr. Roarke in a heartbeat to have had the chance to have worked along side the legendary Hervé Villechaize for six years. Man I love me some Tattoo. When my day arrives and my Heaven Airlines flight comes gliding in through those pearly gates, I can only hope to see a handsome Mr. Roarke accompanied by an overly excitable Tattoo welcoming me.
Natasha Richardson – This classic British actress suffered a tragic skiing injury in Quebec. At this point I’m pretty sure that the Canadians are out to get everybody. My special bond with Richardson can be found in her 1990 film ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’. I was a young man then, eager to discover the world. And Richardson assisted me in my personal mecca by going topless for several scenes.
Shortly after her death, her husband, Liam Neeson, had his new movie ‘Taken’ come out on DVD. I felt sorry for him and rented it. It was horrible and I swore to never rent a movie based solely on the pity card again. I’d rather watch the Nats play.
Marilyn Chambers – I don’t know if razors weren’t invented until the nineties, but 70’s porn just doesn’t do it for me. I think I’d be more aroused by Marilyn Manson.
Bea Arthur – Sure, I dabbled with watching ‘The Golden Girls’ as much as the next guy back in the day. But Bea’s true legacy – for me at least – will be that she was the object of the greatest verbal slam in the history of all celebrity roasts. It was an event for Jerry Stiller, and comedian Jeffrey Ross made roast history with pure insult gold. If you haven’t seen it, look it up. Thank you Bea Arthur, for being in that audience on that evening.
Danny Gans - This one has a link to gambling, which isn’t shocking considering this showman made his living in Vegas. It was my second trip to Sin City several years ago. I was staying at The Mirage, where Gans was performing. It took awhile for me to realize, but everytime something bad happened that weekend, there he was - Danny Gans and his goofy mug just staring at me. He was on the huge billboard outside. He was plastered on posters everywhere. He was on top of taxi cabs. And he only showed up when I lost a football game, or pulled a two on my double down, or stubbed my toe.
“Damn you Danny Gans” was born. He never cared. Danny Gans mocked my misfortunes as a passing fancy. He was bigger than my world. But “Damn you Danny Gans” has lived on in my everyday life. When I drop a bottle of ketchup at home, it is Danny Gans’ fault. And even now with him gone, I know he’s still out to get me.
Damn you Danny Gans!
Dom DeLuise – I have the mentality of a 12 year old, and I’d like to attribute much of that trait to my childhood love of Mel Brooks’ movies. DeLuise had roles in many of them, and that is why I’ll miss him.
Wayman Tisdale – Tisdale was a three-time All American at Oklahoma and a pretty good NBA player as well who died at just 44. I was an NBA junkie during his heyday and always enjoyed watching his games.
David Carradine – I was never a huge Carradine fan. I’m not even a fan of autoerotic asphyxiation and other forms of sado-masochism. What I am a fan of, is leaving this earth with a smile. With such a prevalence of illnesses, accidents and murder, the alternative of being tied up naked by a couple of Thai hookers sounds pretty peachy. Mr. Kung Fu had it all figured out.
Ed McMahon – The ultimate second banana to big boys like Johnny Carson, Dick Clark and Jerry Lewis, McMahon passed away at age 86. He always looked like an angry scotch drinker to me. I hope they have scotch in heaven.
Farrah Fawcett – Fawcett was much more than a pretty face, with a career that spanned…Wait what’s that? MICHAEL JACKSON DIED? OMG!
Have you heard the news?
Michael Jackson – The good: The Jackson Five were just flat out funky. ‘Thriller’ was one of the greatest albums ever. White boys all over the world spending countless days trying to master the Moonwalk. Bubbles the chimp. Eddie Murphy vs. Michael Jackson. Martin Bashir.
The bad: Macaulay Culkin. Corey Feldman. Emmanuel Lewis. Eddie Murphy and MJ BFF. Lisa Marie Presley. ‘Black or White’. Liz Taylor. Diana Ross.
The ugly: Debbie Rowe. ‘Man in the Mirror’. Joe Jackson. Plastic surgery gone terribly wrong.
Love him or hate him, there will be no bigger celebrity death in our lifetime. It’s been great to witness the drooling masses carrying on Wacko Jacko’s cuckoo behavior with his passing. Oh well, so much for the First Commandment.
Steve McNair – The most recent celebrity death also happens to be a homicide. This one will be near and dear to most of us on SBR. I was out this past weekend with a friend who is a huge football nut. We were talking about Michael Jackson like a couple of housewives and both concluded that we really could care less. The next day McNair was killed. I knew that my friend was a HUGE fan of his. Later that day he texted me to say that “McNair was my MJ.”
Steve McNair was hard-nosed and as durable as any other player to wear pads. I’ve seen him take beatings in games that would make Rihanna wince, and still be around in the fourth quarter to lead the Titans to victory. He was one tough hombre.
I recall one game in particular that I had my money on Tennessee, and McNair had been beaten to a pulp. He was limping from every huddle and looked like a battered man. With his team down by three and time running out, Tennessee was driving. McNair was getting knocked around even more as he stood in the pocket to pick apart the defense and move the ball downfield. With no timeouts remaining, he found a receiver who was tackled around the 3-yard line. The clock was ticking below 10 seconds.
The Titans sprinted up to the line and everyone thought they were going to spike the ball to send in the kicker for the tying field goal. But they quick-snapped, and McNair tucked away the ball and took off for the most brutal three yards you could imagine. After enduring a hit from virtually all 11 defensive guys, he was able to sneak the ball past the goal line and his team won again. I enjoyed that pay day because I knew that I backed someone who gave me his all. That’s all you could ask for.
Where linebackers failed, an apparent vindictive woman succeeded in stopping Steve McNair. This is why it’s important for these rich guys to stick to Hooters waitresses for their affairs. Those girls are happy with the money and don’t let their emotions get involved. When you go to Dave & Buster’s just stick to the burgers and video games. If Sahel Kazemi could do this to a beast like McNair, imagine what the rest of them could do to mere mortals like us. R.I.P. Steve McNair.
R.I.P.
Can't believe some people consider Bread to be a worthless, drunken, insensitive, losing degen gambling homo! Did I forget anything? I am not one of them!
