The slow season tends to make my mind wander quite a bit. In anticipation of March Madness, I’m currently bouncing in between MMA and American Idol betting. On one hand, you have highly trained skilled fighters capable of inflicting serious damage on another human being. On the other hand you have a beautiful train wreck, exploiting America’s youth for my guilty pleasure.
I would like to start up some sort of league where MMA fighters battle American Idol contestants in the Octagon. Then, as an added bonus, the fighters have to sing in front of a national audience. I would giggle with reckless abandon as Ruben Studdard pancaked Nate Diaz, then react with horror when Anderson Silva shrieked out his version of Sweet Caroline. Perhaps a duet with Georges St-Pierre to shatter all glass objects in every living room across the land! I have to make this happen.
These are the kinds of thoughts that invade my mind when there is no baseball of football to mull over. Sure, American Idol is in full swing, and yes, there are some intriguing WEC fights to play on Sunday night. But what I really want to talk about today is Travis the Chimp.
Someone’s been VERY naughty!
I would like to start up some sort of league where MMA fighters battle American Idol contestants in the Octagon. Then, as an added bonus, the fighters have to sing in front of a national audience. I would giggle with reckless abandon as Ruben Studdard pancaked Nate Diaz, then react with horror when Anderson Silva shrieked out his version of Sweet Caroline. Perhaps a duet with Georges St-Pierre to shatter all glass objects in every living room across the land! I have to make this happen.
These are the kinds of thoughts that invade my mind when there is no baseball of football to mull over. Sure, American Idol is in full swing, and yes, there are some intriguing WEC fights to play on Sunday night. But what I really want to talk about today is Travis the Chimp.
Someone’s been VERY naughty!
Some of you might be thinking that was an intro to Tito Ortiz’s next fight, but alas, no. I’m speaking of the ultimate gamble. I’m speaking of the ultimate bad beat. I’m speaking of being barreled in beyond any recognition. Travis seemed like a sure thing, but that wasn’t the reality.
Just in case you’ve been stuck in a glass cage somewhere with Nancy Grace’s soul, let me give you a quick recap: Back in 1995, Sandra Herold’s husband lost a bet with a friend. Top seeded UCLA took out the UConn Huskies in the Elite Eight, and that meant that Mr. Herold had to take Travis the Chimp into his home. From that day forward, Mr. Herold swore that he would never drink and gamble again.
Now I know baby Trav’s type all too well. He had to have been adorable. I recently went to a local chimp farm here locally, and that is where I met Bob, the baby chimp. I find all baby animals cute except for humans. Bob took the cake. The place was dead, and my distant-distant cousin put on quite a show for his audience of two. My wife and I were treated to a basketball being slammed against the rails in front of us over and over. Bob would then push his swing and jump over it as it swayed back and forth. Then the world’s biggest show off would disappear on us. As our eyes scoured his confined playground Bob’s cute factor would go off the charts as he would suddenly drop down from the ceiling by his feet, and wave and smile at us while completely upside down.
Just in case you’ve been stuck in a glass cage somewhere with Nancy Grace’s soul, let me give you a quick recap: Back in 1995, Sandra Herold’s husband lost a bet with a friend. Top seeded UCLA took out the UConn Huskies in the Elite Eight, and that meant that Mr. Herold had to take Travis the Chimp into his home. From that day forward, Mr. Herold swore that he would never drink and gamble again.
Now I know baby Trav’s type all too well. He had to have been adorable. I recently went to a local chimp farm here locally, and that is where I met Bob, the baby chimp. I find all baby animals cute except for humans. Bob took the cake. The place was dead, and my distant-distant cousin put on quite a show for his audience of two. My wife and I were treated to a basketball being slammed against the rails in front of us over and over. Bob would then push his swing and jump over it as it swayed back and forth. Then the world’s biggest show off would disappear on us. As our eyes scoured his confined playground Bob’s cute factor would go off the charts as he would suddenly drop down from the ceiling by his feet, and wave and smile at us while completely upside down.
Bob the Chimp
We were coming up with plans to kidnap Bob and bring him home with us. Our diabolical conversation led us to the other end of the park. That’s where they kept the fully grown chimps. They didn’t look like Bob at all! These were mighty beasts, who watched your every move between rusty bars. They studied you. It took me back to my first time in prison. And my second and my fourth and my sixth, but that’s not important. My point is, this was Bob’s future. It was a sobering reminder that Bob would not always be fun and games. And I hate anything sobering.
Think of it as that time that you met your new bubbly girlfriend’s mother for the first time. You remember, the mother who looked like something out of ‘The Dark Crystal’. This was your future. And you did the wise thing – you fled the situation like it was leprosy. Because let’s face it, none of us want a flesh-eating disease.
OK, back to the story here. Ms. Herold was a widow by this time, because her husband kept betting on the Huskies. Football. Nothing good can come of that. Sandra was lonely, and Travis brought her comfort. She began to take baths with him. Now I have a theory that what actually sent Bob over the edge was a combination of being forced to bathe with a 70 year old woman, and being signed up for those annoying Old Navy commercials against his will. Xanax tea be damned, Travis was a ticking time bomb.
You see, this is the thing about gambling sometimes. Something can appear so tempting, so sweet. Then, when it all comes to fruition, you’re left with a 15 year old pissed off chimp. We’ve all been there, right? Just me? Great.
When it all began to unravel, Sandra called upon her friend and neighbor, Charla Nash. Travis wasn’t happy with her presence, and proceeded give her a stern talking to. I know many of my friends can relate to this. Many times, when my gamble went terribly wrong, it was a friend who would catch the worst of it. Whether it would just be dealing with me as I sulked my day away in front of the big screen, or having to convince that group of nine pissed off guys that I was just “having a really bad day”, my friends have been Charla Nash several times. And I have worked hard on not allowing my Travis the Chimp days to ruin everyone’s time anymore. Travis was a gamble. When things don’t work out, you can’t cry about it. Especially if your tear ducts are missing.
We know how the story ended. It wasn’t pretty. You know who I feel sorriest for here? It isn’t Sandra Herold. It’s isn’t Travis the Chimp. It’s isn’t Charla Nash. Hell, it isn’t even Tito Ortiz. I feel sorriest for the guy who makes chimp greeting cards. I’ve always sought them out when purchasing a card, and had plenty to choose from. Suddenly, handing your granddaughter a 10th birthday card with a beast that is capable of ripping off your jawbone isn’t that appealing anymore, is it? I feel sorry for chimp greeting card guy.
Think of it as that time that you met your new bubbly girlfriend’s mother for the first time. You remember, the mother who looked like something out of ‘The Dark Crystal’. This was your future. And you did the wise thing – you fled the situation like it was leprosy. Because let’s face it, none of us want a flesh-eating disease.
OK, back to the story here. Ms. Herold was a widow by this time, because her husband kept betting on the Huskies. Football. Nothing good can come of that. Sandra was lonely, and Travis brought her comfort. She began to take baths with him. Now I have a theory that what actually sent Bob over the edge was a combination of being forced to bathe with a 70 year old woman, and being signed up for those annoying Old Navy commercials against his will. Xanax tea be damned, Travis was a ticking time bomb.
You see, this is the thing about gambling sometimes. Something can appear so tempting, so sweet. Then, when it all comes to fruition, you’re left with a 15 year old pissed off chimp. We’ve all been there, right? Just me? Great.
When it all began to unravel, Sandra called upon her friend and neighbor, Charla Nash. Travis wasn’t happy with her presence, and proceeded give her a stern talking to. I know many of my friends can relate to this. Many times, when my gamble went terribly wrong, it was a friend who would catch the worst of it. Whether it would just be dealing with me as I sulked my day away in front of the big screen, or having to convince that group of nine pissed off guys that I was just “having a really bad day”, my friends have been Charla Nash several times. And I have worked hard on not allowing my Travis the Chimp days to ruin everyone’s time anymore. Travis was a gamble. When things don’t work out, you can’t cry about it. Especially if your tear ducts are missing.
We know how the story ended. It wasn’t pretty. You know who I feel sorriest for here? It isn’t Sandra Herold. It’s isn’t Travis the Chimp. It’s isn’t Charla Nash. Hell, it isn’t even Tito Ortiz. I feel sorriest for the guy who makes chimp greeting cards. I’ve always sought them out when purchasing a card, and had plenty to choose from. Suddenly, handing your granddaughter a 10th birthday card with a beast that is capable of ripping off your jawbone isn’t that appealing anymore, is it? I feel sorry for chimp greeting card guy.
Endangered Species
I told you my mind wanders. Just remember this story the next time you lose that $50 on a game, that there are always worse gamblers than you. Sandra Herold took a worse gamble. Hopefully we’ve all learned that you just should not own wild animals, because they will kill you. Just like NCAA basketball totals.