Tampa Bay Yuccaneers
I have a confession to make. Many of you may already know that I have a reputation of being a bit of a stinker. I’ve always been this way. Oh no, the innate ability to get under others’ skin didn’t just arise with the invention of the internets. I’ve been a pro for years. One of my most successful ongoing hi-jinks has been to taunt Buccaneer fans at local Tampa Bay sports bars. Man is 2009 going to be a fun year.
Much like Steve Irwin and DJ AM, the lifestyle can get dangerous from time to time. But I didn’t choose this, it chose me, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to turn my back on my destiny. To tell you the truth, I haven’t been this excited about a Yuccaneers season since Shaun King was taking snaps. Just how bad will the hometown schleps be this year? Let’s delve a little deeper, shall we?
Coach Gruden is gone and so is Jeff Garcia. Some people pour out a drop of beer for their fallen homeys. For these two I smashed the bottle across my shin. That’s how much I will miss that giant cup of ugly. The good news is that in their place I now have Coach Raheem Morris and Byron Leftwich. Oh goody goody!
Was this really your best option??
For some reason the local press here has been calling Morris the next Mike Tomlin. Besides the fact that both are former DB coaches, I can’t see any other similarity between the two to draw such comparisons. What could it be? Do they both enjoy Thousand Island dressing? I’m just not getting it.
Byron Leftwich hasn’t been effective since Marshall. Any ball thrown downfield floats on him, and if I can find Prop bets on Yuccaneer turnovers, I’m jumping on the Over all year long.
Have I mentioned yet that Tampa Bay just fired their offensive coordinator 10 days before the season begins? Well yea, they just did. Apparently Jeff Jadodzinski fooled the rest of the staff into believing that he knew how to call plays all the way up until last week. Hilarious.
The rest of the offensive cast? Glad you asked. Kellen “I’m a ****** soldier” Winslow. Antonio “Is that even English?” Bryant. Michael “No the movie wasn’t about me” Clayton. Derek Ward, Ernest Graham and Cadillac Williams as “Six Legs to Nowhere.”
On defense, you have starting cornerback Aqib Talib, who was just arrested for smacking around his taxi driver. Chances that the cabbie was named Talib Aqib might be the safest bet you find all year.
The real story for Tampa Bay’s defense this year is who will NOT be there. For Mr. Derrick Brooks, it wasn’t the fact that his time had probably come. The greatest Buccaneer of them all gave everything that he had to this team for his entire 14-year career. He almost made it hard for me to hate them. Almost. No, the sad fact here is that he wasn’t given the same courtesy that fellow fan-favorite Mike Alstott received when he reached the end of his career.
Alstott was granted a hero’s retirement season which ended up costing the team financially, but they did it anyway, for the fans. Brooks was cut like an undrafted punter with no fanfare. What a sad reflection on an organization. Man I can’t wait to root against this team this year.
So now it’s time to get into some baffling offerings by the books. Yesterday I wrote about Divisional Future odds. If you want to stress the importance of line shopping, look no further than these odds. Just using two popular shops to compare, Tampa Bay is +825 at TheGreek to win the South. At BetPhoenix, they are +1600. That’s quite a difference. An even bigger discrepancy is the Lions at TheGreek at +1215 to take the North, while at Phoenix they are almost triple at +3200. Of course if you bet either Detroit play, you’re just being silly.
Another offering that should be jumped on is the Tampa Bay season win total. The line is set at 6.5, -190 (or -225 at Greek.) Six and a half wins? Really? I have had friends call me, and read threads on SBR voicing their disbelief at this number. And I have to agree that it is at least a game or two too high.
Even Bucco Bruce can’t help you now
Here is a quick breakdown of the Yuccaneer’s matchups with a Breadly analysis sent from above.
Week 1 vs. Dallas – The line is already set with the Cowboys favored by six. At the very least, take the Dallas moneyline at -270.
Week 2 at Buffalo – A game that the Bucs could possibly pull out. Maybe the season isn’t a wash after all.
Week 3 vs. NY Giants – I suppose there is a slight chance that the Giants fans (who will far outnumber the Bucs fans at Raymond James Stadium) could go home unhappy, but probably not.
Week 4 at Washington – Look for Albert Haynesworth to take out two Bucs starters for the year – one of them via foot stomp.
Week 5 vs. Philadelphia – No chance.
Week 6 vs. Carolina – See above.
Week 7 vs. New England – LOL.
Week 8 Bye week – Spent trying to resign quarterback Jeff Garcia.
Week 9 vs. Green Bay – I’m looking for big things from the Pack this year and that includes record-breaking sales of the foam cheese hats.
Week 10 at Miami – I’m conceding that this could be another victory for Tampa, but it will be a tough one to predict.
Week 11 vs. New Orleans – The Saints sign Aqib Talib’s old cab driver to play receiver for this lone game to exact a little revenge. Drew Brees hooks up with him for 135 yards, 2 TDs.
Week 12 at Atlanta – Tony Gonzalez shows Kellen Winslow how a real “****** soldier” plays the tight end position.
Week 13 at Carolina – If Tampa wins this game I will leave SBR forever, and take Herman with me.
Week 14 vs. NY Jets – I’m actually calling this as a sure victory for T.B. Where’s Ken O’Brien when you need him?
Week 15 at Seattle – At this point the Bucs will have given up on the season, even against equally inept teams like Seattle.
Week 16 at New Orleans – John Gruden mentions in the announcing booth that he would not be adverse to returning to coach Tampa Bay in 2010. The local media wets itself simultaneously.
Week 17 vs. Atlanta – In a game that the Falcons need for playoff position, the Bucs have their lowest home attendance in many years. Atlanta wins 38-3 and I get my ass kicked by three big get’er dones at the local bar. It was worth it.
Now of course there are always unforeseen wins by crappy teams. But by my calculations, at the very best Tampa Bay will be 4-12, and at the very worst, 1-15. Six and a half wins is a stretch no matter how you slice it. I can’t wait for this winner. Given my propensity to irk local fans, the money will probably go towards hospital bills. It’s going to hurt so good.
This team took a nice step backwards after choking away a shot at the playoffs last year. 
