[TheCentaur]

10:15 AM- Wake up. Watch some porn to get going

10:45 AM- Shower and shave. Take morning dump and notice how it doesn't have a foul smell in his opinion, actually more of an earthy, natural smell

11:20 AM- Watch some tape of poker tourneys. Study gamesmanship of masters like Jamie Gold, Humberto Brenes, and Michael Rocco

12:30 PM- Drive to post office to pick up weekly porn parcel. Gets so excited he's stopped for speeding.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Bitemeusadoj: Well obviously you were speeding too when you caught up with me. FACT!
Officer: That's my job, I'm allowed to when stopping those who are breaking the law.
Bitemeusadoj: Specious
Officer: What did you say?
Bitemeusadoj: What a dum dum maroon (mumbled)
Officer: Care to say that again?
Bitemeusadoj: I was clearing my throat, prove otherwise! Can't, can you?
Officer: Here is your citation, directions are on the back
Bitemeusadoj: (Rolls eyes and takes ticket)

12:55 PM- Arrive at post office. Notices that a representative from the 1% African American population of his town in upstate NY is also headed into the post office. He can't believe his luck, this is the second he's seen this week! Quicken pace to a speed walk just in time to open the door for the African American lady. "Thanks", she says. "You're very welcome!" he replies, beaming with a smile. Thinks to himself, 'Why don't those guys like Centaur worship African Americans too, and why do they use words I find offensive? Those dirty hillbilly, traitorous, Klan member dum dums!'

1:05 PM- Stop for gas. Go inside to buy condoms and diet Pepsi. Make small talk with 2 college chicks in line with him.

Biteme: Hi ladies! I usually buy Magnums but they were out hehe
Girls: Um, what?
Biteme: You two remind me a lot of (insert two porn stars he watched earlier). Anyone ever tell you that?
Girls: Can you just please leave us alone, ur a freak
Biteme: (Face reddens) Thinks to himself, 'I'm a nice guy. Not a freak at all.'

1:20 PM- Arrive home. Pleasures himself imagining the two college chicks at the gas station. The shorter one is looking on wearing nothing but a miners helmet, pink bowtie, and is covered in cinnamon singing "Pinball Wizard", while the brunette is on top of him in reverse cowgirl, oinking like a pig, wearing a catchers mitt, with a frowny face scrawled on her back in French's mustard.

1:25 PM- Logon to SBR to make some posts. Read a PM from Shari. She says that last week she passed a black gentleman in Australia who was getting off the bus as she was getting on. She smiled at him but he didn't see. He seemed really nice though. She also asks for his advice on how to avoid apologizing or seeming wrong after making ridiculous posts in this thread http://www.sportsbookreview.com/foru...ssouri-p3.html

After considering his favorite rationalization and deflection strategies he decides the best course of action for her is to stop posting in the thread and wait for it to be forgotten. He writes her he also saw a black lady today and she was very nice.

2:00 PM- Afternoon porn break. It's a really good one and he starts stomping the floor and pounding the wall.

2:25 PM- Knock at the door. It's his downstairs neighbor
Downstairs Neighbor: What's all the racket?
Biteme: Aw I'm just having a good time up here, no big deal
Downstairs Neighbor: Well please stop banging, we can barely think
Biteme: (Face reddens) Look I'm just getting you back for when you didn't open the door for me about 2 months ago when I had all those groceries!
Downstairs Neighbor: What? What are you talking about?
Biteme: You thought I forgot about that, didn't you?
(Next door neighbor walks up)
Next door neighbor: What's with the banging on the wall?
Downstairs Neighbor: He said he's getting me back for not opening the door for him 2 months ago
Next door neighbor: Well what does that have to do with banging on my wall?
Biteme: Specious! (Slams door)

2:30 PM- Skip his court ordered Psychiatrist appointment. Think about how perfect he is and try to remember the last time he was wrong about anything.

6:30 PM- Order dinner with an SBR pizza giftcard. Eat

7:30 PM- Post on SBR. Reward loyal allies (Biters) with points transfers and post nominations. Try to build following (Biters) by telling posters and poker players they "get it" when they agree with him. That reminds him he hasn't fed his 2 pet fish today

10:00 PM- Sprinkle some flake food in the water for Ron and Jeremy

10:05 PM- Wind down with some porn

11:00 PM- Superuse

2:15 AM- Take evening dump. No air freshener needed

2:30 AM- Turn on this year's AVN Awards show with volume on low. Go to sleep.

[The Giant]

[Russian Rocket]

welcome back Cent!
I see you've spent your 10 day timeout wisely

[MoneyLineDawg]

[boeing power]

welcome back Cent!
I see you've spent your 10 day timeout wisely

[daneblazer]

this reminds me of...


and the early morning hours of Sunday, December 5,
1999:

6:00 Arise, play the Eyes of Texas and Texas Fight at
full-freaking blast
6:20 Get in car, drive to New Braunfels
7:30 Tee off (me and a buddy were the FIRST tee-time
of the morning)
8:50 Turn 9 (crack open first beer)
8:53 Crack open second beer
8:58 Crack open...(you get the idea)
10:30 Finish 18 (holes, as well as beers), sign
scorecard for smoooooth 95
10:35 Headed for San Antonio
10:50 Buy three 18-packs for pre- and post-game
festivities
11:10 We decide we don't have enough booze, so we
double-back to a liquor store and buy the good ol' 750
ml plastic bottle "Traveler" Jim Beam
11:50 Arrive at the tailgate spot. Awesome day. Not
a single cloud in the sky. About 70 degrees.
11:55 I decide that we're going to kick the shit out
of Nebraska.
11:56 I tell my first Nebraska fan to go f(*&
himself.
12:15 The UT band walks by on the way to the
Alamodome. We're on the second floor of a two-story
parking garage on the corner (a couple hundred of us).
We're hooting and hollering like wildmen. The band
doubles back to the street right below us and
serenades us with Texas Fight and The Eyes of Texas.
AWESOME MOMENT.
12:25 In the post-serenade serendipity, 50-100 grown
men are bumping chests with one another, each and
every one of them now secure and certain of the fact
that we are going to kick the *(&^ out of Nebraska.
1:00 The Nebraska band walks by on the way to the
Alamodome. Again, we hoot and holler like wildmen.
Again, the band doubles back and stops right below us
to serenade us, this time, however, with the Nebraska
fight songs. Although somewhat impressed by their
spirit and verve, we remain convinced that we are
going to kick the s&!* out of Nebraska.
1:30 I begin the walk to the Alamodome, somehow
managing to stuff the "Traveler" and 11 cans of beer
into my pants.
1:47 I am in line surrounded by Nebraska fans. They
are taunting me. I am taunting back, still certain
that we are going to kick the s*(& out of Nebraska. I
decide to challenge a particularly vocal Nebraska fan
to play what I now call and will forever be remembered
as "Cell-Phone Flop Out." Remember flop out for a
dollar? The rules are similar. I tell this Nebraska
jackass that if he's so confident in his team, he
should "flop out" his cell phone RIGHT NOW and make
plane reservations to Phoenix for the Fiesta Bowl.
And then I spoke these memorable words: "And not
those
damn refundable tickets, either! You request those
non-refundable, non-transferrable sons-of-bitches!"
He backs down. He is unworthy. I call Southwest
Airlines and buy two tickets to Phoenix,
non-refundable
and non-transferrable. Price: $712. He is humbled.
He lowers his head in shame. I raise my cell phone in
triumph to the cheers of hundreds of Texas fans. I am
KING and these are my subjects. I distribute the 11
beers in my pants to the cheering masses. I RULE the
pre-game kingdom.
2:34 Kickoff. Brimming with confidence, I open the
Traveler and pour my first stiffy.
2:45 I notice something troubling: Nebraska is big.
Nebraska is fast. Nebraska is very pissed off at
Texas.
3:01 The first quarter mercifully ends. 9 yards
total offense for Texas. Zero first downs for Texas.
I'm still talking s(*&. I pour another stiffy from
the Traveler.
3:36 Four minutes to go in the first half: the
Traveler is a dead soldier. I buy my first $5 beer
from the Alamodome merchants. While I am standing in
line, a center snap nearly decapitates Major
Applewhite
and rolls out of the end zone. Safety.
3:56 Halftime score: Nebraska 15, Texas 0. I wish I
had another Traveler.
4:11 While urinating next to a Nebraska fan in the
bathroom at halftime, I attempt to revive the classic
Brice-ism from the South Bend bathroom: "Hey, buddy,
niiiiiiiiice rooster." He is unamused.
4:21 I buy my 2nd and 3rd $5 beer from the Alamodome
merchants. I share my beer with two high school girls
sitting behind me. Surprisingly, they are equipped
with a flask full of vodka. I send them off to
purchase $5 Sprites, so that we may consume their
vodka. I have not lost faith. Nebraska is a bunch of
pu&&&^.
4:51 No more vodka. The girls sitting behind me have
fled for their lives. I purchase two more $5 beers
from the Alamodome merchants.
5:18 Score is Nebraska 22, Texas 0. I am beginning
to lose faith. This normally would trouble me, but I
am too drunk to see the football field.
5:27 I call Southwest Airlines: "I'm sorry, sir.
Those tickets have been confirmed and are
non-refundable and non-transferrable."
5:37 I try to start a fight with every person behind
the concession counter. As it turns out, the
Alamodome has a policy that no beer can be sold when
there is less than 10 minutes on the game clock. I am
enraged by this policy. I ask loudly: "Why the f()*
didn't you announce last call over the penetrating PA
system??!!"
5:49 Back in my seats, I am slumped in my chair in
defeat. All of a sudden, the Texas crowd goes
absolutely nuts. "Whazzis?," I mutter, awaking from
my coma, "Iz we winnig? Did wez scort?" Alas, the
answer is no, we were not winning and we did not
score.
The largest (by far) cheer of the day from the Texas
faithful occurred when the handlers were walking back
to the tunnel and Bevo stopped to take a gargantuan
shit all over the letters "S", "K", and "A" in the
"Nebraska" spelled out in their end zone. I cheer
wildly. I pick up the empty Traveler bottle and stick
my tongue in it. I am thirsty.
6:16 Nebraska fans are going berserk as I walk back
to the truck. I would taunt them with some off-color
remarks about their parentage, but I am too drunk to
form complete sentences. With my last cognitive
thought of the evening, I take solace in the fact that
if we had not beaten them in October, they would be
playing Florida State for the national championship.
6:30 Back in the car. On the way back to Austin for
the 8:00 Texas-Arizona tip off. We can still salvage
the day! I crack open a beer. It is warm. I don't
care.
7:12 We have stopped for gas. I am hungry. I go
inside the store. I walk past the beer frig. I
notice a Zima. I've never had a Zima. I wonder if
it's any good. I pull a Zima from the frig. I twist
the top off and drink the Zima in three swallows.
Zima
sucks. I replace the empty bottle in the frig.
7:17 There is a Blimpie Subs in the store. I walk to
where the ingredients are, where the person usually
makes the sub. There is no one there. I lean over
the counter and scoop out half a bucket of black
olives. I eat them. I am still hungry. I lean
further over the counter and grab approximately two
pounds of Pastrami. I walk out of the store
grunting and eating Pastrami. The patrons in the
store fear me. I don't care.
8:01 We are in South Austin. I have been drinking
warm beer and singing Brooks and Dunn tunes for over
an hour. My truck-mate is tired of my singing. He
suggests that perhaps Brooks and Dunn have written
other good songs besides "You're Going to Miss Me When
I'm Gone" and "Neon Moon" and that maybe listening to
only those two songs, ten times each was a bit
excessive. Perhaps, he suggests, I could just let the
CD play on its own. I tell him to penetrate off and
restart "Neon Moon."
8:30 We arrive at the Erwin Center. My truckmate,
against my loud and profane protestations, parks on
the top floor of a nearby parking garage. I tell him
he's an idiot. I tell him we will never get out. I
tell him we may as well pitch a f(*&^%$ tent here. He
ignores me. I think he's still pissed about the
Brooks and Dunn tunes. I whistle "Neon Moon" loudly.
8:47 I am rallying. I have 4 warm beers stuffed in
my pants. We're going to kick the shit out of
Arizona.
9:11 Halftime score: Texas 31, Arizona 29. I am
pleased. I go to the bathroom to pee for the 67th
time today. I giggle to myself because of the
new opportunity to do "the bathroom Brice." There are
no Arizona fans in the bathroom. I am disappointed.
I tell myself (out loud) that I have a "Niiiiiice
rooster." No one is amused but me.
9:41 I walk to the bathroom while drinking Bud Light
out of a can. Needless to say, they do not sell beer
at the Erwin Center, much less Bud Light out of a can.
I am stopped by an usher: "Where did you get
that, sir?" I tell him (no s*&^): "Oh, the
cheerleaders were throwing them up with those little
plastic footballs. Would you mind throwing this away
for me?" I take the last swig and hand it to him. He
is confused. I pretend I'm going to the bathroom, but
I run away giggling instead. I duck into some
entrance to avoid the usher, who is now pursuing me.
I sneak into a large group of people and sit down.
The
usher walks by harmlessly. I am giggling like a little
girl. I crack open another can of Bud Light.
9:52 I am lost. In my haste to avoid the usher, I
have lost my bearings. I have no ticket stub. I
cannot find my seats. Texas is losing.
10:09 Texas is being screwed by the refs. I am
enraged. I have cleared out the seats around me
because I keep removing my hat and beating the
surrounding chairs with it. A concerned fan asks if
I'm OK and perhaps I shouldn't take it so seriously.
I tell him to f(*& off.
10:15 After the fourth consecutive "worst f*(&^%$
call I have EVER seen," I attempt to remove my hat
again to begin beating inanimate objects. However, on
this occasion I miscalculate and I thumbnail myself in
my left eyelid, leaving a one-quarter inch gash over
my eye. I am now bleeding into my left eye and all
over my shirt. "Perhaps," I think to myself, "I'm
taking this a bit seriously."
10:22 I am standing in the bathroom peeing. I'm so
drunk I am swaying and grunting. I have a bloody
napkin pressed on my left eye. My pants are bloody.
I have my (formerly) white shirt wrapped around my
waist. I look like I should be in an episode of Cops.
10:43 Texas has lost. I put my bloody white shirt
back on my body and make my way for the exits. I am
stopped every 20 seconds by a good
samaritan/cop/security guard to ask me why I am
covered in blood, but I merely grunt incoherently and
keep moving.
10:59 With my one good eye, I have located the
parking garage. I walk up six flights of stairs,
promise that when I see my friend I will punch him
in the face for making me walk up six flights of
stairs, find the truck, and collapse in a heap in the
bed of the truck. I look around and notice that
traffic is lined up all the way around the garage, six
whole flights, and no one is moving. I take a nap.
11:17 I awake from my nap. I see my friend in the
driver's seat. I lift my head to look out the bed of
the truck and notice that traffic is lined up all the
way around the garage, six whole flights, and no one
is
moving. I am too tired to punch my friend. I call my
friend a "Stupid coc(*&^%$#r."
11:31 I lift my head to look out the bed of the truck
and notice that traffic is lined up all the way around
the garage, six whole flights, and no one is moving.
I call my friend a "Stupid coc*&^%$#r."
11:38 I lift my head to look out the bed of the truck
and notice that traffic is lined up all the way around
the garage, six whole flights, and no one is moving.
I call my friend a "Stupid coc*&^%$#r."
11:47 I lift my head to look out the bed of the truck
and notice that traffic is lined up all the way around
the garage, six whole flights, and no one is moving.
I call my friend a "Stupid coc&^%$#$%."
11:58 I am jostled. The truck is moving. I lift my
head to look out the bed of the truck and notice that
traffic is beginning to move on the second floor. I
jump out of the truck, walk to the edge of the parking
facility, and pee off the sixth floor onto the street
below. My friend looks at me like I just anally
violated his minor sister. I turn around and pee
on the front of his truck while singing the lyrics
to "Neon Moon."
12:11 We are moving. We are out of beer. I jump
from the truck and go from vehicle to vehicle until
someone gives me two beers. I am happy. I return to
my vehicle.
12:26 We have emerged from the parking facility. We
make our way to my apartment and find Ed sitting on
the couch with a freshly opened bottle of Glenlivet on
the coffee table in front of him. We are all going to
die tonight.
12:59 We have finished three-quarters of the bottle
of Glenlivet. We decide it would be a wonderful idea
to go dancing at PollyEsther's. Ed has to pee. He
walks down the hall to our apartment and directly into
the full length mirror at the end of the hall,
smashing it into hundreds of pieces. We giggle
uncontrollably and leave for PollyEsther's.
1:17 The PollyEsther's doorman laughs uncontrollably
at our efforts to enter his club. "Fellas," he says
in between his fits of spastic laughter, "I've been
working this door for almost a year. I've been
working
doors in this town for almost 5 years. And I can
honestly say that I ain't never seen three drunker
mother fu&^%$# than you three. Sorry, can't let you
in." We attempt to reason with him. He laughs
harder.
1:44 We find a bar that lets us in. We take two
steps in the door and hear "Last call for alcohol!" I
turn to the group and mutter: "See, dat wasn't that
fu^%$#' hard. Day don't fu^&%$' do that at the
Awamo...the awaom...the alab...f&^% it, that stadium
we
was at today..." We order 6 shots of tequila and
three beers.
2:15 Back on the street. We need food. We hail a
cab to take us the two and one half blocks to Katz's.
The cab fare is $1.60. We give him $10 and tell him
to keep it.
2:17 There is a 20 minute wait. We give the hostess
$50. We are seated immediately.
2:25 We order two orders of fried pickles, a Cobb
salad, a bowl of soup, two orders of Blueberry
blintzes, two Reuben sandwiches, a hamburger, two
cheese stuffed potatoes, an order of fries, and an
order of onion rings.
2:39 The food arrives. We are all asleep with our
heads on the table. The waiter wakes us up. We eat
every fu&*&*& bit of our food. Most of the restaurant
patrons around us are disgusted. We don't give a
penetrate.
The tab is $112 with tip.
2:46 I'm sleepy.
9:12 I wake up next to a strange woman. She is the
bartender at Katz's. She is not pretty.

[niming]

[niming]

[Optional]

lol.. well this post is a hell of a lot wittier than your last at least!

Welcome back.

[opie1988]

Centy & Daneblazers posts are both FUKKIN AWESOME!!

[kidcudi92]

yay centy!!!

[manny24]

[daneblazer]

Extra credit for the Jamie gold and Humberto brennes reference

[smitch124]

Haha typical Saturday

[Fidel_CashFlow]

some of the detailed effort he put in that lil skit was funnier then hell

[bigtymer56]

welcome back Cent!
I see you've spent your 10 day timeout wisely

[Triple_D_Bet]

Little off base here centy, but A+ for effort and attention to detail

[Kermit]

Cool.....

[GUMMO77]

.

[konck]

No ones gonna read that stupid shit
its more like
wake up go to the sbr office and suk more cok

[BiTeMe UsAdOj]

.

... yeah, Centaur's obsession w/me is OBVIOUS.

Loves making threads about me... constantly watching me play from the rail and sometimes chirping... even talking about me in poker chat when I'm no where to be found.(yep, peeps talk and tell me)

Couldn't wait to come back and post THAT -- I'm in the guy's head 24/7. CLEARLY.
Rocketeer summed it up quite nicely...

Would be embarrassing for a normal guy trying so hard to "muscle" into my life... but, ah, you know... who the fukk thinks Centaur is normal?
Consequently, as Vonnegut mused: "So it goes..."

[BiTeMe UsAdOj]

No ones gonna read that stupid shit
its more like
wake up go to the sbr office and suk more cok

Everyone knows your difficulty with the English language, kocker.
You couldn't read and understand it if you tried.

Thing is, as obsessively misguided as it is... least Centaur is capable of some humor. Something you're incapable of, as anyone having the misfortune of encountering your posts is painfully aware of.

BTW, you have this unfortunate habit of PROJECTING (as the mental health professionals say); hell, even google knows the real dealio about you... it's the first image that pops up on an image search. You should post it in DiggityDaggityDo's thread!
https://www.google.com/search?q=SBR+...onck+&tbm=isch

[TheCentaur]

Centy & Daneblazers posts are both FUKKIN AWESOME!!

For the record, this was not my first post after my ban

[Swinging Johnson]

I am an unabashed Biter acolyte. He brings light to the darkness and peace to the chaos and confusion of this forum we call home. Secondly, I never, ever thought I would take the time to read Dane Blazer's epic saga of drunkenness and debauchery but thanks to Opie's enthusiastic response I decided to wade through it and glad I did. Excellent Dane! Bravo!

[brainfreeze]

I think biters day goes something like this. 8:30- 10:30. Vocab maintenance or some scrabble, 30 min of solitude. 11-12 lunch at the local deli. 12:30 - 1:30 He's spewing some nonsense about his sexual appetite to friends 2:00 -4:00 nap time. 5:00 - 6:00 he's preparing himself to steam roll a tourney watching "the mouth" play Ivey 7-8 He finishes 2nd displeased that Cent finished above him. 9 till bed time he's in a ring game getting even and getting Cent worked up all at the same time, life of biter I assume.

[downsouth]

Those college chicks at the gas station sound hot

[manny24]

well that porn he is watching must not be interracial

those brothers he worships are all bone to the knee

after their first scene with Lex Steele most of these girls need re-sleeving and their heads pulled out of the sheetrock

[greenhippo]

Close to my daily routine but you need another 4 or 10 porn breaks in there.

[TheMoneyShot]

Centaur and Bite going back and forth..... better than a fresh brewed coffee to start your day!

[Auto Donk]

fuk....... I wish I had biteme's life!!!

and whoever said something about those college girls sounding hot, you read my mind! I rubbed one out just thinking about them!

[TheCentaur]

and whoever said something about those college girls sounding hot, you read my mind! I rubbed one out just thinking about them!

Guys, he was imagining those poor girls doing all that crazy stuff as he was pleasuring himself, they weren't actually doing it

He said he wasn't a freak and then goes home and has that fantasy. Irony!

[Triple_D_Bet]

Guys, he was imagining those poor girls doing all that crazy stuff as he was pleasuring himself, they weren't actually doing it

He said he wasn't a freak and then goes home and has that fantasy. Irony!

Whoa, I had no idea...poor guy, if he's all alone in this he must be paying through the nose to support the >$10 billion porn industry (not to mention KY and Kleenex sales)

[TheCentaur]

Whoa, I had no idea...poor guy, if he's all alone in this he must be paying through the nose to support the >$10 billion porn industry (not to mention KY and Kleenex sales)

Trip that was no normal fantasy

And yes, whenever Biteem is sick or is trying to quit per his psychiatrist's advice porn related revenues plummet

[Triple_D_Bet]

Trip that was no normal fantasy

And yes, whenever Biteem is sick or is trying to quit per his psychiatrist's advice porn related revenues plummet

Seems pretty normal to me; in college money was tight, so I had to take a small role in a production that did the exact same thing, with the exception of the song...they couldn't afford the rights to "Pinball Wizard", so they went with "Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows" instead. Really through me off my game and potentially ruined a promising career

[BiTeMe UsAdOj]

Seems pretty normal to me; in college money was tight, so I had to take a small role in a production that did the exact same thing, with the exception of the song...they couldn't afford the rights to "Pinball Wizard", so they went with "Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows" instead. Really through me off my game and potentially ruined a promising career