Enjoy:
"We decided to have sex. In the room that I am moving into. You know, to christen it."
"I go to pick her up, and not only does she have her own condo on the beach, but she drives a Lexus. And won't tell me what she does for a living. Hmmm..."
"You aren't hot enough to have this much self-respect."
"One girl actually said to me, 'I'd love to go home with you, but I can't do it on camera. Call me when MTV leaves.' Right, like I'll remember your name tomorrow. Thanks for playing."
"Hey, she told me she was 18. If there's grass on the field play ball right?"
"Oh well, if she didn't kill herself at least she'll now have some incentive to lose weight."
"I was sitting at my computer, probably searching for lesbian donkey porn"
"It was painfully clear after about ten minutes that neither were going to **** me that night, and since they weren't good looking enough to invest any effort in beyond immediate sexual gratification, I got bored."
"It was a great plan. I was confident, naked, and ready to expose myself."
"Some ugly girl who had no idea who I was claimed she could drink me under the table. Are you kidding? Do you know who you are talking to? I LITERALLY DO THIS FOR A LIVING. I told her it had to be for a bet. She told me to name the terms, 'If I win, I get to come on your face, and then wash it off with my piss.' That ended the discussion pretty quick."
"There was one girl who was legitimately hot. No question she fucks too; she had that unmistakable college girl 'I'm going to hop on as many cocks as possible until graduation' look about her."
"Since I am so used to dealing with women and not 20 year old idiot college girls, I made a critical error: I assumed that Fat Girl had just gone to get a large pizza and find a black guy to **** her and would leave us alone. I was wrong."
"She was pretty into me the whole night, but no matter what we did, her annoying friend kept butting in. You know the friend I am talking about--the loud, obnoxious fat girl that, because she gets no attention from any guys becomes the mother hen of the group, hell bent on ensuring that her friends don't hook up."
"Then we head out to find the 'night life' in Akron...yeah. It was like looking for the clean part of a dirty ass."
"I really hate how hot girls can get me to do things I don't want to do."
"If you are a reasonably intelligent female, it should be obvious that you don't want to date me."
"I crack my first beer at 2pm. After all, those Coronas are not going to throw themselves up."
"As I am pissing someone calls me and instead of just waiting till I was done like a normal person, I fumble with my cell...and drop my car keys right into the toilet bowl. I stood there for a good ten seconds contemplating what the **** I had done. Not only was my piss in the bowl, the water was yellow when I got there...and there were shit marks on the side of the bowl. ****."
"That guy who snuck a Camelbak full of vodka into the stadium by using a three-year old child to hide it...that was me."
"I didn't want to talk to anymore unsupervised underage girls. Nothing good can come of that."
"Oh well, she has to learn at some point that guys are assholes."
"[...] and has a huge bulge on his hip. Well, he's not black so it can't be his dick."
"Will your buddy let you **** a midget in his bed? If the answer is yes, then you know that dude is solid."
"As we crossed the street, several cars zoomed past, so I reached down to hold the hand of my MidgetPrincess, you know--because I'm a gentleman and shit."
"What the ****? I literally can't even remember the last time I was nervous around a girl. Is this what it's like to be a normal guy?"
"That meant I had to wear the same clothes I wore out last night, to work Friday. Not really a big deal, except there was liquor, vomit, piss (and probably other fluids) all over them. Liquor is understandable, but vomit and piss?"
Tucker "WHAT THE **** IS THAT? DID YOU GIVE ME THE CLAP?
Nurse "Yeah, you got the clap from a sterile catheter. It's just dehydrated urine. You're fine."
Tucker "Whatever. Dick. You ever have one of those in you?"
Nurse "No. But I'll tell you what-I've inserted hundreds of those and I've never seen anyone scream like more of a bitch than you."
"This tastes like semen. Haven't you people humiliated me enough? Should I just dump this on my face so you can get some Bukkake shots for the Cook County website. Would that make you happy?"
"Even writing this is making my dick hurt. Or maybe that's the herpes. Who knows?"
"Actually, doctor, can she do it? If I'm going to have fingers up my ass, I'd rather have them be female. You know--they're smaller, more petite...you know...less gay."
"I'll be honest: this girl was not attractive. But she was into me, and she was there, and perhaps most importantly--she just gave off a blowjob vibe. You know the type; they aren't good looking or exceptional in any way, but they just give off a look that says 'I suck dick like I made it up.'"
"I guess working with retards is the perfect precursor to hanging out with me."
"I was sitting in the kitchen trying to hit on this one girl, and it wasn't going well. So, in typical Tucker fashion I just swung for the fences: Tucker 'Why don't you come over here and sit on my lap.' Redhead 'Why?' Tucker 'Because then your cooch will be up against my crotch.' It didn't work well."
"How am I supposed to arrive drunk if you won't sell me liquor?"
"With a hot girl paying attention to me, and gallons of vodka coursing through my veins, I am hitting on all the Tucker Max cylinders."
"Our clothes were off, in the back of a Ford Explorer, where there is not much room to spare, in less than 30 seconds. About a second after that she mounted me, and...I doubt I have to go into detail. If you've done something like this before, you can fill in the blanks. But just to be clear, yes, I inserted my penis into her vagina and we had sexual intercourse."
"Then it happens, that defining moment that I wait for every time I go out drinking: [r]ight before the second intermission, some guy comes up and asks our section if anyone wants to go on the ice and shoot pucks against the mascot"
"El Bingeroso is too drunk and violent to walk around the streets, so let's take him to a place with naked women and large angry bouncers! Sounds great! It'll be all sunshine and kittens from there!"
"I momentarily contemplate taking a dump in the janitors bucket, but decide against that, mainly because of the presence of said female janitor."
"I accidentally walked her face-first right into a light pole. As her friends ran up to see if she was OK, I just stood there, watching my best shot of the night evaporate, said, 'Well, I guess I'm not getting laid,' and walked into the restaurant. I hope my daughters date guys like me."
"I was kneading her
so hard all I needed was a little water and some active dry yeast and I could have made bread."
"But there is something about her. Maybe it's the lighting, maybe it's her aggressive attitude, maybe it's her ghetto booty, maybe it's her 36 DD fake breasts pressing against me...maybe it's the 3 margaritas, 6 beers and 15 vodka clubs, but she just strikes me in that right way."
"I need to start drinking and her nipples aren't spouting vodka."
"Dozens of incredibly beautiful and sexy women, each giving smiles that convey the sincerity of a single mother with rent due."
“You kept walking as you were shitting? What the ****, you’re like my dog.”
"SlingBlade's busy schedule included drinking alone in the dark and jacking off to his Star Trek Limited Edition Seven of Nine poster. He was solidly in."
"PWJ had lots of important legal things to do. Luckily he follows his penis around like a divining rod, so he promptly cleared his schedule."
"Hot girl #2 is into me. She begins telling me a story about how she got pulled over once for DUI, and had to blow into something like this, and the cop let her off. She tells me that she always wanted to be a cop, but couldn't pass the entrance exam to the police academy, even though she took it twice. I tell her that she must be really smart. She stops paying attention to me. Hot girl #2 is apparently smart enough to detect thinly veiled sarcasm."
"She says I should at least take off my pants. I ask her if this will get me sushi. She says it will. I take off my pants."
"I begin to think that maybe I am not in their league, drinking wise. This worries me. Then I remember that I am Tucker Max. I am no longer worried."
"Unlike me, he was upset about not having a job."
"We decided to have sex. In the room that I am moving into. You know, to christen it."
"I go to pick her up, and not only does she have her own condo on the beach, but she drives a Lexus. And won't tell me what she does for a living. Hmmm..."
"You aren't hot enough to have this much self-respect."
"One girl actually said to me, 'I'd love to go home with you, but I can't do it on camera. Call me when MTV leaves.' Right, like I'll remember your name tomorrow. Thanks for playing."
"Hey, she told me she was 18. If there's grass on the field play ball right?"
"Oh well, if she didn't kill herself at least she'll now have some incentive to lose weight."
"I was sitting at my computer, probably searching for lesbian donkey porn"
"It was painfully clear after about ten minutes that neither were going to **** me that night, and since they weren't good looking enough to invest any effort in beyond immediate sexual gratification, I got bored."
"It was a great plan. I was confident, naked, and ready to expose myself."
"Some ugly girl who had no idea who I was claimed she could drink me under the table. Are you kidding? Do you know who you are talking to? I LITERALLY DO THIS FOR A LIVING. I told her it had to be for a bet. She told me to name the terms, 'If I win, I get to come on your face, and then wash it off with my piss.' That ended the discussion pretty quick."
"There was one girl who was legitimately hot. No question she fucks too; she had that unmistakable college girl 'I'm going to hop on as many cocks as possible until graduation' look about her."
"Since I am so used to dealing with women and not 20 year old idiot college girls, I made a critical error: I assumed that Fat Girl had just gone to get a large pizza and find a black guy to **** her and would leave us alone. I was wrong."
"She was pretty into me the whole night, but no matter what we did, her annoying friend kept butting in. You know the friend I am talking about--the loud, obnoxious fat girl that, because she gets no attention from any guys becomes the mother hen of the group, hell bent on ensuring that her friends don't hook up."
"Then we head out to find the 'night life' in Akron...yeah. It was like looking for the clean part of a dirty ass."
"I really hate how hot girls can get me to do things I don't want to do."
"If you are a reasonably intelligent female, it should be obvious that you don't want to date me."
"I crack my first beer at 2pm. After all, those Coronas are not going to throw themselves up."
"As I am pissing someone calls me and instead of just waiting till I was done like a normal person, I fumble with my cell...and drop my car keys right into the toilet bowl. I stood there for a good ten seconds contemplating what the **** I had done. Not only was my piss in the bowl, the water was yellow when I got there...and there were shit marks on the side of the bowl. ****."
"That guy who snuck a Camelbak full of vodka into the stadium by using a three-year old child to hide it...that was me."
"I didn't want to talk to anymore unsupervised underage girls. Nothing good can come of that."
"Oh well, she has to learn at some point that guys are assholes."
"[...] and has a huge bulge on his hip. Well, he's not black so it can't be his dick."
"Will your buddy let you **** a midget in his bed? If the answer is yes, then you know that dude is solid."
"As we crossed the street, several cars zoomed past, so I reached down to hold the hand of my MidgetPrincess, you know--because I'm a gentleman and shit."
"What the ****? I literally can't even remember the last time I was nervous around a girl. Is this what it's like to be a normal guy?"
"That meant I had to wear the same clothes I wore out last night, to work Friday. Not really a big deal, except there was liquor, vomit, piss (and probably other fluids) all over them. Liquor is understandable, but vomit and piss?"
Tucker "WHAT THE **** IS THAT? DID YOU GIVE ME THE CLAP?
Nurse "Yeah, you got the clap from a sterile catheter. It's just dehydrated urine. You're fine."
Tucker "Whatever. Dick. You ever have one of those in you?"
Nurse "No. But I'll tell you what-I've inserted hundreds of those and I've never seen anyone scream like more of a bitch than you."
"This tastes like semen. Haven't you people humiliated me enough? Should I just dump this on my face so you can get some Bukkake shots for the Cook County website. Would that make you happy?"
"Even writing this is making my dick hurt. Or maybe that's the herpes. Who knows?"
"Actually, doctor, can she do it? If I'm going to have fingers up my ass, I'd rather have them be female. You know--they're smaller, more petite...you know...less gay."
"I'll be honest: this girl was not attractive. But she was into me, and she was there, and perhaps most importantly--she just gave off a blowjob vibe. You know the type; they aren't good looking or exceptional in any way, but they just give off a look that says 'I suck dick like I made it up.'"
"I guess working with retards is the perfect precursor to hanging out with me."
"I was sitting in the kitchen trying to hit on this one girl, and it wasn't going well. So, in typical Tucker fashion I just swung for the fences: Tucker 'Why don't you come over here and sit on my lap.' Redhead 'Why?' Tucker 'Because then your cooch will be up against my crotch.' It didn't work well."
"How am I supposed to arrive drunk if you won't sell me liquor?"
"With a hot girl paying attention to me, and gallons of vodka coursing through my veins, I am hitting on all the Tucker Max cylinders."
"Our clothes were off, in the back of a Ford Explorer, where there is not much room to spare, in less than 30 seconds. About a second after that she mounted me, and...I doubt I have to go into detail. If you've done something like this before, you can fill in the blanks. But just to be clear, yes, I inserted my penis into her vagina and we had sexual intercourse."
"Then it happens, that defining moment that I wait for every time I go out drinking: [r]ight before the second intermission, some guy comes up and asks our section if anyone wants to go on the ice and shoot pucks against the mascot"
"El Bingeroso is too drunk and violent to walk around the streets, so let's take him to a place with naked women and large angry bouncers! Sounds great! It'll be all sunshine and kittens from there!"
"I momentarily contemplate taking a dump in the janitors bucket, but decide against that, mainly because of the presence of said female janitor."
"I accidentally walked her face-first right into a light pole. As her friends ran up to see if she was OK, I just stood there, watching my best shot of the night evaporate, said, 'Well, I guess I'm not getting laid,' and walked into the restaurant. I hope my daughters date guys like me."
"I was kneading her
so hard all I needed was a little water and some active dry yeast and I could have made bread.""But there is something about her. Maybe it's the lighting, maybe it's her aggressive attitude, maybe it's her ghetto booty, maybe it's her 36 DD fake breasts pressing against me...maybe it's the 3 margaritas, 6 beers and 15 vodka clubs, but she just strikes me in that right way."
"I need to start drinking and her nipples aren't spouting vodka."
"Dozens of incredibly beautiful and sexy women, each giving smiles that convey the sincerity of a single mother with rent due."
“You kept walking as you were shitting? What the ****, you’re like my dog.”
"SlingBlade's busy schedule included drinking alone in the dark and jacking off to his Star Trek Limited Edition Seven of Nine poster. He was solidly in."
"PWJ had lots of important legal things to do. Luckily he follows his penis around like a divining rod, so he promptly cleared his schedule."
"Hot girl #2 is into me. She begins telling me a story about how she got pulled over once for DUI, and had to blow into something like this, and the cop let her off. She tells me that she always wanted to be a cop, but couldn't pass the entrance exam to the police academy, even though she took it twice. I tell her that she must be really smart. She stops paying attention to me. Hot girl #2 is apparently smart enough to detect thinly veiled sarcasm."
"She says I should at least take off my pants. I ask her if this will get me sushi. She says it will. I take off my pants."
"I begin to think that maybe I am not in their league, drinking wise. This worries me. Then I remember that I am Tucker Max. I am no longer worried."
"Unlike me, he was upset about not having a job."