Three Questions with Artie Lange, Fat Comedian
December 18, 2008, 6:36 AM
By Peter Schrager
Esquire
The author of Too Fat To Fish, the #1 non-fiction book on last week's New York Times' Bestseller's List, sat down to chat about the Giants Super Bowl run, the trick to gambling on hockey, and his appreciation for Tom Brady.
Some of your best stories on the "Howard Stern Show" involve sports gambling. Care to share the one about Bobo?
Well, my buddy from Jersey had a real gambling bug growing up. The kind that he had a low-sex drive because he was so into gambling. When we were about 19, he started working as a middle man for this bookie named Bobo out in Staten Island. He would bring in all of our friends' action for Bobo, they'd place bets with us, and he'd take a small cut.
So, two of our other friends started placing bets pretty regularly. I'm not sure why, but that season, the NHL would play one afternoon game every Wednesday. Bobo would take bets until 7 p.m. every night. Our friends saw these Wednesday afternoon games going on week after week, and figured they'd give it a shot.
Sure enough, these kids start betting on games that had already happened earlier in the day. It was right after the Super Bowl and Bobo had a ton of other action going on, so he didn't really notice or catch on.
Of course, once they got a couple games by him, they started betting like idiots. Two Italian kids from Jersey -- not betting on a single hockey game all week -- were suddenly dropping hundreds of dollars on the Winnipeg-Minnesota regular season game. They were betting stupid about it, too. Instead of just betting on the winners, they were doing 8-way parlays -- betting on the money-line, the spread, the over, everything.
After about four weeks, Bobo picks up on it. He figures out that for the past month, they've been betting on games that had already happened earlier in the day. Bobo's sidekick -- the guy who would meet my buddy and give him his cut every week --tells us that this time, he's not coming to meet him; Bobo is.
My buddy asked me to come with him, so I do. And I'll never forget that night. It was freezing out. We walk into the McDonalds in Union, New Jersey, scared for our lives, and immediately see this guy sitting in the back corner. A real intimidating dude. He's got a shaved head and tattoos everywhere.
It's Bobo.
We sit down, and he offers me a French fry. I remember thinking, "Well, that's nice." He then goes into an insane screaming tirade, telling us he's going to kill both us, murder our families, and rape our mothers. We're both keeping our heads down, just getting screamed at by this old bald guy from Staten Island.
My buddy and I then just happened to lift our heads at the same exact time and see the same thing.
It was apparently Ash Wednesday that night, and Bobo had an enormous CROSS painted on his forehead!
Not a small, normal Ash Wednesday cross you normally see, but a tremendous cross that took up his entire forehead.
Right then and there, we start dying laughing like you do in class. He's freaking out, 'Why are you laughing?', and ends up giving my friend none of the cash he owes him.
Afterwards, my buddy and I are in the parking lot of the McDonalds cracking up, wondering what that conversation was like in Bobo's house earlier that day.
His wife: "Bobo, honey, make sure you go to church and get your ashes for Ash Wednesday before you threaten two 19-year old kids from Jersey and tell them you're going to rape their mothers and murder their families.
Bobo: "Yes, honey, I will."
For Stern fans, one of the great subplots of the Giants Super Bowl run last season was your personal ride on the journey. Care to explain?
Well, it all started with my friend Sam Simon, the creator of The Simpsons. Once in a while, Sam will give me a call and give me a bet he thinks is a lock. Before the Giants played New England in Week 17, he told me the +15 point spread was a no-brainer and to throw some cash on it. I checked it out, figured I'd go for it, and placed the bet.
They beat the spread that night and I won some money. The next week, they played Tampa and I figured I'd go with them again. They won that game and I won some more money. Dallas, Green Bay -- I keep on betting on the Giants, they keep on beating the spread, and I keep on winning these bets. So, it comes down to the Super Bowl and they're going up against the 18-0 Patriots.
The Giants had gotten me that far -- I just couldn't abandon them. I thought about Coughlin, I liked the way Eli was playing, and I remembered how the Giants surprised everyone in '90 when they beat San Francisco and Buffalo. So I let it ride.
You know what happens -- Eli plays out of his mind, Tyree makes the catch.
They win.
I won $78,000 that night.
But I only got paid 18 grand of that. What are you going to do? It's not like I'm going to go to the cops with something like that. The sick part is, I didn't even care about the money. I was just happy to win anything. This is when I realized -- at that moment -- that I was a degenerate.
Everyone on the show thought I was crazy for not pushing back and demanding the rest of the money I was owed. But I really didn't care. A kid in rehab once told me -- the best part of cocaine is going out and getting it. If you compare sports gambling to doing cocaine, putting the bet in is the equivalent to getting the coke. Doing all the research, checking the lines, talking the lines over with your friends -- that's the best part. The game itself, that's like doing the coke. Whatever. Winning, that's the comedown. Once you win, you have to then think about going out and collecting, how you're going to spend it, and usually -- which bet you're going to place next. Once you get paid, well, that's reality. You're back at square one --looking for that action again.
The money didn't even matter. I just loved the thrill of winning. I loved the action.
I told you, I'm a degenerate.
Who's been your favorite football player guest in your eight years with the show?
The conversation stops at Lawrence Taylor. You're talking about the greatest defensive player of all-time. L.T.'s the Michael Jordan of football. As a Giants fan, he's as good as it gets.
You know, I did a standup gig in Boston last week and they're all huge Patriots fans. I got up there and said "Tom Brady's hurt for the season, wahhhh!" and they all booed me. The Boston I grew up with was a city of losing underdogs. Blue collar guys. Now Boston's some hot chick from Miami. All they do is win. They're boring.
I told them, "There's no way you guys really like Tom Brady. He's not one of you."
Eli Manning -- that guy could go 14-2 and still have trouble banging a chick. Tom Brady? He can go 0-16 and trip into super model ass. He'll be banging Gisele, and find 1 million dollars inside of her. "What's that?"
"Oh, I don't know, Derek Jeter must have left it in there."
You know what? I'm glad that guy lost last year in the Super Bowl. Tom Brady doesn't have it so bad, man.
December 18, 2008, 6:36 AM
By Peter Schrager
Esquire
The author of Too Fat To Fish, the #1 non-fiction book on last week's New York Times' Bestseller's List, sat down to chat about the Giants Super Bowl run, the trick to gambling on hockey, and his appreciation for Tom Brady.
Some of your best stories on the "Howard Stern Show" involve sports gambling. Care to share the one about Bobo?
Well, my buddy from Jersey had a real gambling bug growing up. The kind that he had a low-sex drive because he was so into gambling. When we were about 19, he started working as a middle man for this bookie named Bobo out in Staten Island. He would bring in all of our friends' action for Bobo, they'd place bets with us, and he'd take a small cut.
So, two of our other friends started placing bets pretty regularly. I'm not sure why, but that season, the NHL would play one afternoon game every Wednesday. Bobo would take bets until 7 p.m. every night. Our friends saw these Wednesday afternoon games going on week after week, and figured they'd give it a shot.
Sure enough, these kids start betting on games that had already happened earlier in the day. It was right after the Super Bowl and Bobo had a ton of other action going on, so he didn't really notice or catch on.
Of course, once they got a couple games by him, they started betting like idiots. Two Italian kids from Jersey -- not betting on a single hockey game all week -- were suddenly dropping hundreds of dollars on the Winnipeg-Minnesota regular season game. They were betting stupid about it, too. Instead of just betting on the winners, they were doing 8-way parlays -- betting on the money-line, the spread, the over, everything.
After about four weeks, Bobo picks up on it. He figures out that for the past month, they've been betting on games that had already happened earlier in the day. Bobo's sidekick -- the guy who would meet my buddy and give him his cut every week --tells us that this time, he's not coming to meet him; Bobo is.
My buddy asked me to come with him, so I do. And I'll never forget that night. It was freezing out. We walk into the McDonalds in Union, New Jersey, scared for our lives, and immediately see this guy sitting in the back corner. A real intimidating dude. He's got a shaved head and tattoos everywhere.
It's Bobo.
We sit down, and he offers me a French fry. I remember thinking, "Well, that's nice." He then goes into an insane screaming tirade, telling us he's going to kill both us, murder our families, and rape our mothers. We're both keeping our heads down, just getting screamed at by this old bald guy from Staten Island.
My buddy and I then just happened to lift our heads at the same exact time and see the same thing.
It was apparently Ash Wednesday that night, and Bobo had an enormous CROSS painted on his forehead!
Not a small, normal Ash Wednesday cross you normally see, but a tremendous cross that took up his entire forehead.
Right then and there, we start dying laughing like you do in class. He's freaking out, 'Why are you laughing?', and ends up giving my friend none of the cash he owes him.
Afterwards, my buddy and I are in the parking lot of the McDonalds cracking up, wondering what that conversation was like in Bobo's house earlier that day.
His wife: "Bobo, honey, make sure you go to church and get your ashes for Ash Wednesday before you threaten two 19-year old kids from Jersey and tell them you're going to rape their mothers and murder their families.
Bobo: "Yes, honey, I will."
For Stern fans, one of the great subplots of the Giants Super Bowl run last season was your personal ride on the journey. Care to explain?
Well, it all started with my friend Sam Simon, the creator of The Simpsons. Once in a while, Sam will give me a call and give me a bet he thinks is a lock. Before the Giants played New England in Week 17, he told me the +15 point spread was a no-brainer and to throw some cash on it. I checked it out, figured I'd go for it, and placed the bet.
They beat the spread that night and I won some money. The next week, they played Tampa and I figured I'd go with them again. They won that game and I won some more money. Dallas, Green Bay -- I keep on betting on the Giants, they keep on beating the spread, and I keep on winning these bets. So, it comes down to the Super Bowl and they're going up against the 18-0 Patriots.
The Giants had gotten me that far -- I just couldn't abandon them. I thought about Coughlin, I liked the way Eli was playing, and I remembered how the Giants surprised everyone in '90 when they beat San Francisco and Buffalo. So I let it ride.
You know what happens -- Eli plays out of his mind, Tyree makes the catch.
They win.
I won $78,000 that night.
But I only got paid 18 grand of that. What are you going to do? It's not like I'm going to go to the cops with something like that. The sick part is, I didn't even care about the money. I was just happy to win anything. This is when I realized -- at that moment -- that I was a degenerate.
Everyone on the show thought I was crazy for not pushing back and demanding the rest of the money I was owed. But I really didn't care. A kid in rehab once told me -- the best part of cocaine is going out and getting it. If you compare sports gambling to doing cocaine, putting the bet in is the equivalent to getting the coke. Doing all the research, checking the lines, talking the lines over with your friends -- that's the best part. The game itself, that's like doing the coke. Whatever. Winning, that's the comedown. Once you win, you have to then think about going out and collecting, how you're going to spend it, and usually -- which bet you're going to place next. Once you get paid, well, that's reality. You're back at square one --looking for that action again.
The money didn't even matter. I just loved the thrill of winning. I loved the action.
I told you, I'm a degenerate.
Who's been your favorite football player guest in your eight years with the show?
The conversation stops at Lawrence Taylor. You're talking about the greatest defensive player of all-time. L.T.'s the Michael Jordan of football. As a Giants fan, he's as good as it gets.
You know, I did a standup gig in Boston last week and they're all huge Patriots fans. I got up there and said "Tom Brady's hurt for the season, wahhhh!" and they all booed me. The Boston I grew up with was a city of losing underdogs. Blue collar guys. Now Boston's some hot chick from Miami. All they do is win. They're boring.
I told them, "There's no way you guys really like Tom Brady. He's not one of you."
Eli Manning -- that guy could go 14-2 and still have trouble banging a chick. Tom Brady? He can go 0-16 and trip into super model ass. He'll be banging Gisele, and find 1 million dollars inside of her. "What's that?"
"Oh, I don't know, Derek Jeter must have left it in there."
You know what? I'm glad that guy lost last year in the Super Bowl. Tom Brady doesn't have it so bad, man.
