UFC 102 - Bet on Bread
After the SBR Bash II left me completely useless for most the week, I am finally back. And what better way to kick off the return of these amazingly insightful articles than with the UFC 102 card?! I won’t sit here and tell you that this will be the largest drawing event ever, because it won’t be. The star power is just so-so. But when you’re an addict like me, you welcome all action. So without further ado, here are my picks, with some Bash tie-ins.
Randy Couture -175
Antonio Noguiera +155
One of the highlights of this past Vegas weekend was learning that Couture (16-9-0) was signing autographs, and posters Blittydeuce, Puckoff and I speed-walking through the casino to not miss out on the opportunity. The first thing that stood out at me was how awesome his cauliflowered ears were up close. The second thing was that I was expecting this larger than life character. Eye to eye, he looked no taller or broader than I. I truly think that there is about a 32% chance that I could take him. And I’m 100% sure that with the help of Blitty and Pucky he would be in big trouble!
Bet on the fat guy
Of course I kid, but it still surprised me. I wish I had seen him in person before the Lesnar fight. There was a lot of early line movement in Couture’s favor, proving that many still think that the 46 year old still has it. This support, even after he was knocked retarded by big Brock Lesnar. I’m not so sure.
Antonio Rodrigo Noguiera (31-5-1) looked like his goose was permanently cooked in his last fight against Frank Mir. He appeared to be double his listed 33 years of age (which I still suspect is a bit low) and staggered around lethargically as Mir rung his bell over and over and over. The poster-to-remain-anonymous who sat next to me at the SBR Poker Tourney probably still wakes up sweating over the amount he laid on “Minotauro.” Poor guy.
Color me Cupid but I’m in love with Big Nog here. We later found out that he was ill for that Mir fight. He’s bigger and he is younger (maybe). It’s time to send the legend Randy packing to continue his movie career. I had him sign his picture as “The Scorpion King.” It was a subtle hint, and I’ll bet you he hasn’t stopped thinking about me since Saturday.
Keith Jardine -145
Thiago Silva +125
I’m positive that there is some inter-galactic warrior wandering the Earth, searching for Keith Jardine’s (14-6-1) goatee as the missing ingredient to some potion that will save his planet. I realize that made zero sense, but what does make sense is that I foresee Silva (13-1-0) knocking Jardine’s chinny chin chin rug into the second row on Saturday.
History is behind Jardine, as he has alternated victories and losses in his last six matches. That’s not overly important. The UFC keeps headlining Jardine, even though he hasn’t really shown much since his amazing upset of Chuck Liddell two years ago. Since that evening, he was absolutely murdered my Wanderlei Silva (Wanderlei’s only victory in forever), won via split decision over Brandon Vera and dropped a decision to Quinton Jackson. Jardine was not a young man when he made a name for himself on TUF at the age of 30. I’m actually surprised that he is favored in this matchup, but I’ll take it.
Thiago Silva just beats people up. So he got put to sleep in ugly fashion in his last fight. So what? I think the MMA world is about to learn that Lyoto Machida is going to be doing that for years to come. When you take that away, you have one of the hardest strikers in the game with an undefeated record. Of his 13 victories, only one went to the judges. I’m not only expecting a win, but an ugly one reminiscent of the Wanderlei-Jardine rape-choke.
Time for another assault
Brandon Vera -200
Krzysztof Soszynski +170
You know who is a splitting image of Brandon “The Truth” Vera (10-3-0)? SBR poster Junkyard Dog. Check it out.
Same guy?
OK maybe if you slam a case of Coronas and close one eye you can see it. Just trust me. I just hope that JYD has a main squeeze as hot as Vera’s wife. I guess I should talk about the actual fight now.
Once again, heavy early action has put Vera as the current 1-to-2 favorite. He is mired in a bit of a rut, having lost three of five. His two wins during that stretch came against Michael Patt and Reese Andy. He may be fighting for his UFC life here. It might be time for Dana White to contact the UFC mortician.
While it might break your keyboard to type out Krzystztof Soszynski, it wouldn’t have broken your bank if you have been backing him. He is 3-0 in the UFC, including a nice dog payout in his last fight against Andre Gusmao. He was a late substitute for Houston Alexander in that one, just as he is a late replacement for the injured Matt Hamill here. Perhaps this can be “The Polish Experiment’s” gig – late sub guy extraordinaire. I like for him to withstand Vera’s kicking game, take it to the ground, and look for a submission for yet another upset.
Gabriel Gonzaga -360
Chris Tuchscherer +300
Tuchscherer (17-1-0) has been mowing them down and finally has earned a shot on the big show. This big boy has been Brock Lesnar’s training partner, and judging by some pictures, it looks like he might have devoured him as well. He was born in a town called Rugby, ND. It’s kind of hard to bet against that, but I’m going to.
You didn’t really think I was taking four upsets, did you? Gonzaga was knocked out by Shane Carwin and knocked down to the undercard in the process. This is merely a fight to get him back where he belongs. “Napao” packs a wallop as well (not Carwin caliber, but still nasty) and also possesses great submission skills. I’m going with Gonzaga for the easy win over the former plumber.
Speaking of fighters’ previous occupations, how many are ex-bouncers? All of them? Half? It seems like when I look at their UFC profiles, so many used to be bouncers. How many UFC fighters have kicked me out of a club before? When you really sit down and do the math of how many clubs I’ve been kicked out of, compared to the number of professional MMA fighters and the percentage that used to be nightclub security, I’m pretty sure that the odds of a well-known fighter bouncing me at some time are at about -2000. God I hate authority.
The Hoff -600
Bread +450
Before you go running to your favorite outfit looking for this amazing matchup, everyone just calm down! The Hoff is my partner in crime on the SBR MMA forums here. We share a love for the sport and a ridiculously moronic (at times clever) sense of humor. Hoff made it out to the bash this weekend where we met for the first time. I had a blast with both he, and his girl, Marquette. There is no fight taking place.
The reason these odds exist is because we posed for a quick picture where we both donned a fighting stance. Because we write about fighting, get it?? Nevermind. So The Hoff gets all serious on me with his muscles and all, while I act the fool as usual and strike some 1800’s dock worker boxing stance. I thought that was that end of it.
Once the picture made it’s way back to the forum here, it was widely regarded that Hoff would kick my ass, and would be set as about a -600 favorite. I may not be in as good shape as Hoff, but I’m better looking and I play dirty. What that means is that I’m taking yet another upset here. Expect Bread to go WWE style by having Blitty distract the ref with some porn while Bread brings his favorite Ethiopian taxi driver into the Octagon to do some tag team damage on the 80’s icon.
It’s a fun place in my head sometimes.
Bet on the fat guy
, be leery of Krzysztof, I see him catching an ass whoopin here
great stuff bread
.
