[Da Manster!]

I'll start by posting a few classics!...As always, everybody is encouraged to post!...


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A cannibal was walking through the jungle
and came upon a restaurant operated by a
fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and
looked over the menu....

+Tourist: $5.00

+ BRoiled Missionary: $10.00

+Fried Explorer: $15.00

+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00


The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of sh*t, it takes all morning."

[Da Manster!]

A small Southwestern Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed,redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.

Ed was approached with a proposition; would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $100.

Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First", he said. "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Ed. "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the hundred bucks."

[Da Manster!]

A mafia Godfather finds out that his accountant has screwed him for ten million bucks. This accountant happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the accountant: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The accountant signs back: "I don't know
what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the accountant's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The accountant signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Vinnie's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[Da Manster!]

The Best and Funniest Genie Story Ever!


A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. She promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So, the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door, they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the floor, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A large man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

"Uh...yes, Sir. We're very sorry about that," The husband replied.

"Oh, No apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a Genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but, if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" The husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it; it's the least I can do. And, I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! Now you, young lady, what do you want?" The genie asked the wife.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home, complete with servants, in every country In the world," she said.

"Consider it done, "the genie said." And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, Genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife!"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, Honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So, the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, he rolled over, looked directly into her eyes, and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded, breathlessly.

"No kidding," he said. "Thirty-five-years-old, and both of you still believe in genies?"

[Da Manster!]

Two Boll Weevil siblings were born and raised in the deep south. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of the two weevils!

[Da Manster!]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[stevenash]

Bought my wife a pair of pumps and a vibrator for Christmas.

This way if she doesn't like the shoes she can go and fuk herself.

[OldBill]

white man goes to all black bar ...... yells at bar tender hey N give me a beer downs it and says again hey N give me beer this time bartender says look your making me angry embarrisng me in front of my customers and friends. GUY says ok tell you what lets switch place i 'll serve you and you call me whatever . so HE yells to white itlain hey diego give me a b eer calmly walks down to him wiping the counter and says sorry buddy we don't serve N's in this place.

[OldBill]

contract and worker doing siding job on a house both are itailn boos name guisseppe work name antonio

so boos holding laderr watching antino toosing every other nail away for few minutes ...finnally he asks hey antonio why u throw every other nail away antonio says they are facing the wrong way BOSS screaaamss no you stupid idioto they for the other side of da house

[OldBill]

quickie 's why did they toss raggedy ann out of toy box Cause she kept sitting on pinnochios face sayin LIE TO ME LIE TO ME

what do priest have in common with christmas trees? thier balls are for decoration

why did mickey mouse put minnie mouse in nut house? Cause she was boinking GOOFY!

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.

I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

[Da Manster!]

Q: What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury doughboy?

A: A redheaded bitch with yeast infection!

[Da Manster!]

A Black man walks along the beach and comes across a Jewish genie lamp. He rubs it three times and out comes the Jewish genie. The Genie tells him he will grant him any two wishes he likes. The Black man tells the genie 1) he wishes that he were white and 2) that he could get lots of pussy!...The genie says "OK, done!". He turns the black man into a tampon!


Now what's the moral of the story?


You can never make a deal with a Jew without any strings being attached!

[OldBill]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

[OldBill]

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.

I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!

Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.

What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear.

Why was the coach yelling at the vending machine? He wanted his quarter back.

[Da Manster!]

one of my favorite memes of all-time! Funny as hell!

[Da Manster!]

A White cop pulls over a car with three black men. The officer walks over to the drivers side and as soon as the black man rolls down the window the cop makes a hard fist and punches the black man in the face! The black driver says "Why did you do that?!" The officer replies "Because you didn't have your license ready!"...The officer walks over to the passenger side and as soon the second black man rolls down the window the cop makes another hard fist and punches him in the face! The 2nd black man says "Why did you do that?!" The officer replies "Because you didn't have the registration ready!". Finally the officer to goes to the rear window and as soon as the 3rd black man rolls down the window the cop makes a hard fist again and punches him in the face! The 3rd black man says "Why did you that?!" The officer replies "So when you guys are driving down the street you don't say I wish that Mothafukka would have hit me!"

[Da Manster!]

[JIBBBY]

Not a joke but a funny story.

Couple I know divorced no kids and were sharing time between the family dog. The wife was bitter and stuffed the poor dog with hard boiled eggs every time right before the X hubby would pick up the dog for a few days.

Result tons of dog gas every time. Ruthless!

[Da Manster!]

Me, Optional, Old Bill, and Jibs are set to be executed in front of a firing squad! the officer in charge says let's kill Da' Manster first!...He gives the command..."Ready, Aim,"...and I yell out "TORNADO! TORNADO!"...Everyone looks around all frantic and during the chaos I untie myself and make my escape! The officer in charge then says let's kill Optional...He gives the command..."Ready, Aim,"...and Opti yells out "HURRICANE, HURRICANE!"...Everyone looks around all frantic and during the chaos Opti unties himself and makes his escape!...The officer then says let's kill Old Bill...He gives the command..."Ready, Aim,"...and Bill yells out "AVALANCHE, AVALANCHE!"...Everyone looks around all frantic and during the chaos Bill unties himself and makes his escape!...and finally the officer says let's kill Jibs...He gives the command..."Ready, Aim,"...and JIBS yells out..."FIRE, FIRE!"

[Da Manster!]

Two condoms are walking down a street. They decide to go inside in a gay bar. One says to the other..."Hey buddy! Time to get shitfaced!"

[captrobey]

What do you call a Brunette between two blondes ? ----- An Interpreter

[TheGoldenGoose]

The Indian boy was growing up fast and beginning to ask intriguing questions of his father.

“Daddy, how do us Indians get our names?”

”Ah, good question son. When I was born they looked out the teepee and the first thing they saw was a wolf howling so I was named Howling Wolf.”

”When your mother was born they looked out the teepee and the first thing they saw was the moon rising so your mother was named Rising Moon.”

A thoughtful moment passes and the father says, “Why do you ask?, Two Dogs Fukking?”

[Da Manster!]

What do you call a Brunette between two blondes ? ----- An Interpreter

Q: What do Blondes and turtles both have in common?

A: Once on their backs, they are both screwed!


Q: Why do blondes wear panties?

A: To keep their ankles warm!



A blonde and brunette are sitting at a bar enjoying a couple of drinks! It's about 11:00pm...they are watching the local news on one of the TV screens. It's showing a woman getting ready to leap out of a tall building and commit suicide! The Brunette says to the blonde..."I'll bet you the tab that she jumps!"...The blonde replies..."No, she won't! You're on!"...they both look up at the screen and sure enough the woman jumped and killed herself! The blonde immediately breaks down and starts to cry!. The brunette says "Listen, I have a confession to make. I already saw this earlier on the 5:00pm news and that is why I knew she was going to jump!"...The blonde replies..."yeah, well so did I!...but I didn't think she was going to do it again!"

[OldBill]

long joke

a man gets boat crushed on rocks so he n his dog swim to island well the man has no sex for months so one day comes upon female sheep

takes it back to camp waiting for dog to fall asleep then tries to screw the sheep unfortunaetly dog hears him and growls grabbing his ankle pulling him away so this goes on for 3 days

but one day a large yacht anchored off the island about 100 yards away woman dives in and starts screaming for help shes drowning he quickly swims out and saves her bringing back to shore!

omg she gasps u saved my life how can i repay you besides taking you back home;;; and this lady is tall 5'9 n drop dead gorgeous head to toe perfect body

SO guy says yes could you take my dog for a long walk to other side of island

[OldBill]

2 guys in boat stuck out in ocean need to smoke cigs in pack but have no lighter or matches

so how did they light them ? They threw one cig overboard and made boat a cigarett lighter

[captrobey]

Three men were stuck on a desert island for 15 years. One day one of them finds a lamp and starts cleaning it. All of a sudden a Genie appears and offers each man one wish . Elated they each took their turn.

Man #1 - I wish i were off this island and back home. POOF . He was gone.

Man #2 - I wish i were off this island and back home . POOF . He was gone .

Man #3 - I am really lonely i wish i had my friends back . POOF . POOF .

[Da Manster!]

Green Dick was a magic dildo! about 12 inches long and thick as a man's wrist! to operate it all one had to do was give the magic command "Green Dick and whatever you wanted it to do!" So this nymphomaniac buys it and goes home, takes off her panties, spreads her legs wide open and says "Green Dick my pussy!"...Green dick then starts to going to work vigorously fukking her unmercifully and nonstop for about half hour! She then pulls it out and puts it away! but Green Dick goes after her immediately and starts to fuk her harder and faster than ever before! she's starts screaming, crying, hollering, etc! she tries to pull it out but can't! Green Dick is hell bent on it's mission! She runs outside and starts yelling for help. She she's a cop down the street! She runs up to him as fast as she can! He looks at her suspiciously and she tells him in her exasperating and frantic voice (almost crying)..."Officer, Officer!...Please help!...there's this green dick and it's fukking me non-stop repeatedly!" The officer laughs at her and replies "Green dick my ass!"

[19th Hole]

I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, and I thought to myself, Wow, dogs are easily entertained.




Then I realized :
I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes

[19th Hole]

[19th Hole]

A Roman walks into a bar, puts up two fingers and says,
"Can I have 5 beers please?? "

[19th Hole]

Me: Dad, How did you guys manage without WhatsApp & SMS?


My Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

[19th Hole]

[Da Manster!]

Q: Why do tampons have strings on them?

A: So the crabs can go bungee jumping!

and/or

A: So you can floss after you eat!


Q: How can you tell when a woman is about to douche?

A: when you see her odor eaters starting to crawl up her legs!

[Weems2k]

What do blind kids, and orphans have in common?

Neither will ever see their parents.

[Da Manster!]

Q: What's the difference between a Jew and a Pizza?

A: A pizza doesn't scream when you throw it in the oven!


Q: Did you hear about the new Jewish radial tires?

A: Not only do they stop on a dime but they pick it up as well!


Q: What do you name a Jewish guy's daughter?

A: Penny


Q: How do you break a Jew's finger?

A: Punch him in the nose!


Q: What do virgins and balloons have in common?

A: One prick and they're both popped!


Q: What is better than winning a gold medal at they special Olympics?

A: Not being retarded to begin with!