This time we travel all the way to Las Vegas for our story about Donny ‘The Tortoise’ Nelson and Jack O’Hare. There are pictures and everything!
Hi boys and girls. It sure is good to have you back for another story from Uncle Willie. This episode is brought to you by Chi Archie’s Pierogi Emporium, Chicago’s finest Iron City Cuisine.
The Tortoise and O’Hare
Once upon a time in Las Vegas there was this guy named Donny Nelson. Everyone called him ‘The Tortoise’ because he was one slow sum’bitch. Everything he did, he did slow. Now sometimes being slow isn’t so bad, like when you’re inviting your friends over for ribs, they want you to cook ‘em slow and want your free beer and whiskey to last all night long. But most times, people are impatient and want instant gratification.
Donny ‘The Tortoise’ Nelson, M&M Quality Control
So Donny’s deliberate lifestyle really turned a lot of people off. Well that and he was sort of ugly and really had zippo in the personality department. Plus his day job was assistant shift supervisor for the quality control line at the local M&M factory that only took care of the brown ones, a job he found “exhilarating,” that’s his exact word.
He was slow to order in restaurants, slow on the freeway, slow, slower, slowest, sort of like watching Doug Jones pitch for the Houston Astros back in the 90s.
Donny Nelson was slowest at playing poker, which he was very good at. And he was ridiculed for making small wagers, though he was sports savvy, at the old Cock & Tail Sportsbook there at Freemont and South 1st, never more than $25 per bet.
One of the locals that really gave The Tortoise the business was a pinhead by the name of Jack O’Hare. A real cocky bigmouth that all the showgirls called Señor Quickie behind his back. O’Hare was always hustling for a buck, and blowing it all on one bet or one night at a craps table. He’d stormed into Las Vegas on a hot streak, couldn’t lose it seemed. But he blew it all just as quick as it came in.
The Tortoise and O’Hare crossed paths one night at the old Cock & Tail and Señor Quickie had the misfortune to be on line behind Donny.
“Hey turtle dick,” O’Hare said to Donny, “how frickin’ long can it take to make your little 25 dollar bets.”
The Tortoise turned to Jack and replied, “Now Mr. O’Hare, I’ll be finished when I am finished, and not one second sooner.”
To which Jack replied, “Yeah, well how about you and me hook up in a real head to head duel if you think you’re so tough?”
Donny completed his wagers, three sides on some basketball action and a hockey total, and turned to Jack. “Oh Mr. O’Hare, I am but a smalltime player, not even close to being in the same league with you.”
“So, you chicken to bet me?” O’Hare said as he stepped up and threw down a hundred on the Lakers, two-fifty on the under in the Sharks-Stars game, and another two-fifty on the Austin Peay Governors getting eight on the road. He glanced in his wallet and saw that left him a 10, a five and three ones, and immediately started to think about where he could go to possibly get some free drinks.
“Oh no sir, Mr. O’Hare,” The Tortoise answered. “I’m not as rich as you and can’t afford to bet so much money.”
“Nah, you’re just chicken,” O’Hare shot back. “We play $500 a game, one game a day for a month, sides, totals and money lines, right here every afternoon at two o’clock, or you’re chicken!”
Mary Ann Miller, stage name Dixie Boxx, one of
the showgirls that referred to O’Hare as ‘Quickie’
And Donny replied, “Well, okay, since you put it that way.”
The pair swapped winning bets for about a week before The Tortoise started to pull ahead, win three days, lose one, win four days, lose won, win five days, and well, you get the picture. By the middle of the final week of the bet, O’Hare was tapped out and begging for money to make his wager. But then y’all knew The Tortoise was going to win the race before you got this far.
A beaten man, Jack O’Hare was last seen catching a Greyhound to Los Angeles and never heard from again. Meanwhile Donny Nelson donated half of his profits to the local no-kill animal shelter, sent the other half to his mom for her electrolysis and went back to his regular lifestyle that included only betting what he could afford to lose, slow playing at the poker table and taking forever to make up his mind in a restaurant. He never became very popular about town, but he retired at the age of 53 and was last seen in his 34-foot RV going about 45 in the left lane on I-40 heading east to Henryetta, Oklahoma, where he had some cousins that had the contract to paint yellow stripes on Okie highways.
The moral of this story is slow and steady won’t always win the race or make you a sexy video star, but it sure doesn’t hurt as much when things always don’t go so well.
Once again, props to Chi Archie’s Pierogi Emporium, like a little bit of Pittsburgh heaven right in the heart of the Windy City. Remember to always wear clean undies, or pull-ups for some of you kids, don't ever talk to strangers and never run with scissors in your hands.
Hi boys and girls. It sure is good to have you back for another story from Uncle Willie. This episode is brought to you by Chi Archie’s Pierogi Emporium, Chicago’s finest Iron City Cuisine.
The Tortoise and O’Hare
Once upon a time in Las Vegas there was this guy named Donny Nelson. Everyone called him ‘The Tortoise’ because he was one slow sum’bitch. Everything he did, he did slow. Now sometimes being slow isn’t so bad, like when you’re inviting your friends over for ribs, they want you to cook ‘em slow and want your free beer and whiskey to last all night long. But most times, people are impatient and want instant gratification.
Donny ‘The Tortoise’ Nelson, M&M Quality Control
So Donny’s deliberate lifestyle really turned a lot of people off. Well that and he was sort of ugly and really had zippo in the personality department. Plus his day job was assistant shift supervisor for the quality control line at the local M&M factory that only took care of the brown ones, a job he found “exhilarating,” that’s his exact word.
He was slow to order in restaurants, slow on the freeway, slow, slower, slowest, sort of like watching Doug Jones pitch for the Houston Astros back in the 90s.
Donny Nelson was slowest at playing poker, which he was very good at. And he was ridiculed for making small wagers, though he was sports savvy, at the old Cock & Tail Sportsbook there at Freemont and South 1st, never more than $25 per bet.
One of the locals that really gave The Tortoise the business was a pinhead by the name of Jack O’Hare. A real cocky bigmouth that all the showgirls called Señor Quickie behind his back. O’Hare was always hustling for a buck, and blowing it all on one bet or one night at a craps table. He’d stormed into Las Vegas on a hot streak, couldn’t lose it seemed. But he blew it all just as quick as it came in.
The Tortoise and O’Hare crossed paths one night at the old Cock & Tail and Señor Quickie had the misfortune to be on line behind Donny.
“Hey turtle dick,” O’Hare said to Donny, “how frickin’ long can it take to make your little 25 dollar bets.”
The Tortoise turned to Jack and replied, “Now Mr. O’Hare, I’ll be finished when I am finished, and not one second sooner.”
To which Jack replied, “Yeah, well how about you and me hook up in a real head to head duel if you think you’re so tough?”
Donny completed his wagers, three sides on some basketball action and a hockey total, and turned to Jack. “Oh Mr. O’Hare, I am but a smalltime player, not even close to being in the same league with you.”
“So, you chicken to bet me?” O’Hare said as he stepped up and threw down a hundred on the Lakers, two-fifty on the under in the Sharks-Stars game, and another two-fifty on the Austin Peay Governors getting eight on the road. He glanced in his wallet and saw that left him a 10, a five and three ones, and immediately started to think about where he could go to possibly get some free drinks.
“Oh no sir, Mr. O’Hare,” The Tortoise answered. “I’m not as rich as you and can’t afford to bet so much money.”
“Nah, you’re just chicken,” O’Hare shot back. “We play $500 a game, one game a day for a month, sides, totals and money lines, right here every afternoon at two o’clock, or you’re chicken!”
Mary Ann Miller, stage name Dixie Boxx, one of
the showgirls that referred to O’Hare as ‘Quickie’
And Donny replied, “Well, okay, since you put it that way.”
The pair swapped winning bets for about a week before The Tortoise started to pull ahead, win three days, lose one, win four days, lose won, win five days, and well, you get the picture. By the middle of the final week of the bet, O’Hare was tapped out and begging for money to make his wager. But then y’all knew The Tortoise was going to win the race before you got this far.
A beaten man, Jack O’Hare was last seen catching a Greyhound to Los Angeles and never heard from again. Meanwhile Donny Nelson donated half of his profits to the local no-kill animal shelter, sent the other half to his mom for her electrolysis and went back to his regular lifestyle that included only betting what he could afford to lose, slow playing at the poker table and taking forever to make up his mind in a restaurant. He never became very popular about town, but he retired at the age of 53 and was last seen in his 34-foot RV going about 45 in the left lane on I-40 heading east to Henryetta, Oklahoma, where he had some cousins that had the contract to paint yellow stripes on Okie highways.
The moral of this story is slow and steady won’t always win the race or make you a sexy video star, but it sure doesn’t hurt as much when things always don’t go so well.
Once again, props to Chi Archie’s Pierogi Emporium, like a little bit of Pittsburgh heaven right in the heart of the Windy City. Remember to always wear clean undies, or pull-ups for some of you kids, don't ever talk to strangers and never run with scissors in your hands.
