Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here.
You’re gonna be watching a whole lotta football this coming weekend, and when you watch those games, you’re probably gonna see this shitty ad for the NFL Shop, which has been running ever since the season started:
I am a Vikings fan, but I think I can say objectively that this is the worst penetrating family in the universe, fictional or otherwise. Let’s go through the narration to get at the root of the suck …
"We started out as a Vikings family."
Yes, you did. And you should have STAYED that way. That is how being a fan penetrating works. You pick your team, and that is your team for life. If you were dumb enough to pick the Vikings, tough shit. You are saddled with Teddy Bridgewater overthrowing guys wearing his Hamburger Helper gloves whether you like it or not.
"Until my son Brendan met Sarah, from Philly …"
Look at Brendan. No way he gets Sarah. He’s a pasty schlub and she’s a smoking hot Unicorn Sports Gal Bartender. I can’t believe an ad LIED to me.
"… got married, moved to Cincy, and had Bengal babies."
What the penetrate? Why are they Bengal babies? Neither Brendan NOR Unicorn Sports Gal Bartender like the Bengals. Did they just move to Cincy and were like, "Well, we’re here. Guess these little fuckers have to like Andy Dalton now." Maybe Sarah’s parents are Bengals fans. Maybe they moved there for the free day care and her domineering father demanded her little girl raise those kids as members of Who Dey Nation or something. Maybe that’s why Sarah became an Eagles fan in the first place. She got fed up with dad, fled to Philly, became a licentious drunken Philly fan, and ended up settling with some pud of a Vikings fan. I bet she thinks of running away every single day.
"Then my daughter Julie met Emmitt Smith and never let us forget it!"
Really? Well then, get ******, Julie. All it took was one selfie with Emmitt and now you’re a Cowboys bandwagoner? What is wrong with you? And you’re BRAGGING about it? I would not invite Julie to Thanksgiving dinner. I would cut her out of the will. See if your new bestie Emmitt will invite you over this year, lady. Maybe he’ll serve you turnkey and snuffling.
"And after years of eating Roethlis-Burgers, my son Dan became a fan of the guy too!"
Dude, did these people even like the Vikings at all to begin with? They can’t WAIT to find new asshole teams to root for. My God. You ate a bunch of hamburgers and now Big Ben is your hero? You know about the rape allegations and his gray penis and all that, right? Or was the burger all that mattered to you? DURRRR DIS TASTE GOOD GUESS I’M A YINZER NOW SIX-BURGH KISS THE RINGS DURRRRR. And penetrate your hair.
"And that’s how my Vikings family became a Viking/Bengals/Eagles/Steelers/Cowboys family …"
Look at Julie! She’s wearing a Vikings jersey and a Cowboys hat! FLAG! I CALL A penetrating FLAG ON THAT OUTFIT! Only Snoop Dogg is allowed to get away with this sort of thing.
I hate this family. I hate this ad. It was clearly dreamed up by some hideous art director who was given implicit instructions to showcase a sociopathic family tree of people abandoning their original team just so they can gobble up more expensive crap at the NFL Shop. The NFL wants you to be a fairweather fan so that you watch more games and pull a Laura Quinn with your jersey every chance you get. It’s sickening, by God. And you know what the worst part is? The mom is HAPPY about this. She thinks this is the greatest thing that has ever happened to her family. Can’t she see the forest for the trees? Can’t she see that she is barely holding together a loveless collective? I bet Brendan and Julie and Dan LOATHE each other and spend every Thanksgiving staring their phones so they don’t have to talk to one another.
And of course they had to use my favorite team as the focal point for this exodus. It makes sense, since Vikings fans are horrible (last week’s game was probably 80% Packers fans, and those people probably all lived close by). But I already knew that. The NFL Shop didn’t have to go twisting the knife by holding up these smug losers as some kind of Normal Rockwell Footbaw family ideal. They didn’t have to go flaunting the transitory nature of shitty Vikings fans all across national television. You hurt me, NFL Shop. You hurt my essence. No gravy for you this Thanksgiving. That family can go to hell.
i hope this guy is getting his rooster washed by a unicorn sports tramp as we speak
