7 reasons Torontonians can’t root for the Habs tonight
Cathal Kelly - Staff Reporter
If aliens show up wanting to enslave the entire human race, I will fight them.
But if the extraterrestrial invaders announce ahead of time that the Montreal Canadiens are the first to go, I’m willing to talk.
Nevertheless, you may feel some sort of emotional pull toward the scrappy Habs in their Game 7 decider in Pittsburgh tonight. That’s called sportsmanship. Ignore that. Squash that feeling down and jump on it a few times until it stops struggling.
Why? Because it’s wrong to pull for the Canadiens. Even if thinking about the Leafs sends you to the ER with heart palipitations, it’s still wrong.
Hey, if you want to watch good hockey for good hockey’s sake, there’s no harm in that. But if watching turns to rooting, remove yourself from the living room. Spend some time quietly reflecting on what you’ve done wrong in your Toronto pro sports trophy room (i.e. your hall closet).
Not a fan of Right vs. Wrong arguments? Here are seven other compelling reasons.
Fairness – So we get a summer of crippling roadwork and G20-related rioting? And then they get a Stanley Cup run and Stanley Cup related rioting? That doesn’t sound fair. How about we can both keep the rioting, but the Stanley Cup part is out? Deal.
Imagine the reverse – Let’s say it was the Leafs in a Game 7, while the Canadiens worked on their golf games. Can you imagine the incredible ripple of excitement running through Montreal this afternoon? People turning to each other in line at supermarket-sized tobacco shops and saying, “Go out to the 24-hour disco tonight? Non, non, non. I’m going home to watch the Leafs!”
I don’t want to say ‘definitely not’ but . . . definitely not.
P.K. Subban – Because even though he plays in the red and blue, we know he doesn’t mean it. I mean, he’s a Toronto guy. We’re not hurt. Well, a little hurt. Just look at Subban and then look at the guys we got for trading away the picks that could have been Subban (Vesa Toskala and Mark Bell . . . Excuse me, I have to go out back for a moment and hit myself in the groin with a shovel (pause) I’m back).
Not that we’re saying Subban should have held out or anything like that. But we would’ve appreciated that. That would’ve been very cool. Say, assuming you’re knocked out tonight, P.K., you’ll be disappointed, right? Really bummed out. So why don’t you come home and take a few days and then demand a trade to the Leafs. We could really use the help. And think about how much time you’d cut off your commute.
Hey, we’re not greedy. They can keep Glen Metropolit.
Mortality – There’s a plague spreading through this city. I mean, besides ringworm. It doesn’t have a name. It starts with rooting for the Canadiens. Which sounds harmless. But in its later stages, you will find yourself drinking too much Labatt 50 and carving busts of Gilles Duceppe out of mashed potatoes. Then – and I’m not trying to scare you – you’ll die. It’s awful. Avoid the first step, and you might be safe.
Celine Dion – She’s got a lot of time on her hands these days. If the Habs win it all, she’s likely to feel a sudden infusion of creative vigour. How does a Celine double-album sound to you?
National Unity – Apparently, I’m supposed to swallow my Toronto pride because Montreal is the last Canadian team in this thing. Hey, weren’t they the ones who told us that was a bad idea? Well, that’s a two-way street, pal. Don’t get me wrong. I love the city of Montreal. I’m willing to concede that on most available indices (outside of driving ability) Montrealers have Toronto beat flat. But we have to draw a line somewhere. And hockey is that line.
Sidney Crosby – Have you all forgotten a certain overtime goal in a certain international athletic competition that happened recently? Do you remember that shortly after Zach Parise scored the tying goal at the death, you got down on your hands and knees and begged whatever god you worship to let Canada win? And He/She reached down and touched Crosby’s stick and put Ryan Miller to sleep. Well, Sid needs you now. Are you going to let him down?