UFC 96 Breadballs
Another iffy card put out by Dana White and the UFC, but when you’re a junkie like me, you’ll take all you can get. UFC 96 will take place on Saturday night, and at the very least, the headline fight between Quinton “Rampage” Jackson and Keith Jardine should be interesting. On to the predictions!
Quinton Jackson -320
Keith Jardine +260
Make no mistake about it, I’m a huge fan of Rampage (29-7-0). By all accounts, he seems like a great guy, and he’s certainly one of the best inside the Octagon. That’s what is going to make this so difficult. I’ll be rooting against him because I need the money. OK, I don’t need it per se, but I want it. And finding “The Dean of Mean” Jardine (14-5-1) at this price has me feeling giddy in the wallet fo sho!
Wasn’t it just a few months ago that everyone was calling for the premature demise of Rampage, after a tough loss to Forrest Griffin, and a bizarre police chase through the streets of California? Then he knocks out a slightly washed-up Wanderlei Silva, and suddenly everything I read about the guy is how he’s back on track and won’t be denied reclamation of his belt. I enjoy a tingly feel good story as much as the next schmuck, but I’m just not buying it.
The thing with Jardine is, he’s all over the place. You never know who he could beat or lose to on any given night. He can boast victories over both Chuck Liddell and Forrest Griffin. Not many can say that. His losses can come against legends like Wanderlei, or goofballs like Houston Alexander and Stephan Bonnar. But the man is talented, and capable of beating anyone. I feel he has a 50-50 shot here, and at +260, I’m all over it.
Rampage has his famous victory wolf howl. Jardine has his demonic goatee. Tonight, I say “Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!”
I was bored
Gabriel Gonzaga -165
Shane Carwin +145
Gabriel “Napao” Gonazga (10-3-0) seems to take heat for owning an unimpressive resume, and losing to two of the only relevant fighters he’s faced in Fabricio Werdum and Randy Couture. He does have a victory over Mirko Cro Cop, but other than that, it’s a cast of castoffs. To his credit, all six of his UFC victories have ended in submission or TKO. And the last time I checked, losing to Couture didn’t make you a chump, it made you human. I’m sure he has learned from that experience.
His opponent, Shane Carwin (10-0-0) certainly packs a wallop, but if we’re talking resumes, this one takes the cake. His two UFC wins were easy first round finishes. The problem is, all of his fights have come against Um Who and That Guy. I’m serious! Nobodies! Tack on the fact that Carwin might just be the world’s ultimate meat head, and it makes rooting against him even easier. He looks like every single bouncer that has ever escorted me out of an establishment. You know the type – beading sweat on a cool winter’s day, constantly breathing like he just ran a marathon, veins bulging from his head like they want to escape. I hate Shane Carwin! I didn’t start that fight! I was just talking to some girls!! Oh. Sorry.
Heart Attack Hotel
I’m on “Napao” (translation: Big Nose – huh?) and I feel strangely comfortable putting money on my hairy friend. Won’t you please join me?
A-Rod Pick
T.O. Pick
T.O. Pick
Yes, this fight won’t actually be happening for another 10 years on Celebrity Boxing, but I just wanted to see if you were paying attention. If it did exist, I feel pretty sure that A-Rod (0-0-0) would start out aggressive, swatting T.O. (0-0-0) with his Louis Vuitton unmercifully about the head, chest and neck area. That’s when T.O. would kick it into high gear by calling his big brother into the Octagon to pull on A-Rod’s hair and pull his skirt up over his head NHL style until he yelled “uncle”. No thanks.
Loves to get taken to the mat
Matt Hamill -160
Mark Munoz +140
Mark Munoz +140
I know nothing about Munoz (5-0-0) so I Googled him. I kid you not, two of the top three search results were regarding a stunt man who worked on ‘Planet of the Apes’. If this was a search for Gabriel Gonzaga I wouldn’t have blinked, but whatever.
Time for my obligatory low brow Hamill (7-2-0) joke. For pure comedy, go to UFC’s website and watch the prefight press conference video between these two. Hamill’s speech is so difficult to understand, that the subtitles don’t even get it right. I’m not even kidding. OK, now I feel bad for sharing.
I like Hamill, and I’m taking him small here, if for no other reason, just because this other yahoo is nicknamed “The Filipino Wrecking Machine”. Isn’t there a rule against nicknames over three syllables long? Whatever happened to all the “Reds” and “Slims?”
More importantly, I’ll be on a prop bet for the fight to last the full three rounds at +170. Both guys come from a big wrestling background, which opens the door for lots of clock running while they roll around on the ground. Hopefully I can remain awake for this one.
Brandon Vera -580
Michael Patt +440
Michael Patt +440
I would never pound my chest and yell how I told you so after picking a -580 favorite. But this is about as sure a thing as it gets. The UFC badly wants Vera (9-3-0) to do well. Things looked great when he set the league on fire by winning his first six fights, including a first round TKO over the current heavyweight champ, Frank Mir. Since then, he has lost three of four. Tim Sylvia, Werdum and Jardine have all set a major roadblock for the UFC’s next poster child. Enter the chump du jour – Michael Patt (15-3-0).
Look for a quick 1st round stoppage, and be sure to throw Vera in some parlays to pump up those payouts. Good luck to all, and to all, a good night.
Vera’s wife is still hot
