My breakup with Baseball
I think that at some point in our lives, we all have known at least one couple that was so volatile, so tumultuous, that you couldn’t help but to sit back and enjoy the impending train wreck. The passion between the two was undeniable, which was evident when things were going well. For small periods of time, it would be like all of the fights, arguments and police visits never even took place. You could almost be fooled into believing that these two parties were meant for each other. But you knew better. It was just a matter of time.
Such is the unstable relationship between myself and baseball. I love her like I’ve loved no other – probably always will. But how much more pain can one man take? How much longer do I allow her to abuse me like this? In order to salvage any remaining dignity I might have, I have to do this. But my God I love her so. I have to be strong.
There is no way I could break up with her face to face. I know that she would find a way to remind me of the good times and I’d be right back where we started. So I wrote a letter that I’d like to share with you.
Dearest Baseball,
As I’m sure you could tell by the half-empty house, I’m leaving you. I apologize for my cowardice in doing it like this, but I thought it was classier than breaking up with you via text.
I love you Baseball. I always have and I always will. But we both know that this isn’t working out. The bad far outweighs the good these days, and I can’t take the abuse any longer. You definitely don’t love me like I love you. Every time I try to reconcile, like just last night, you repay me with a 1-3 night. I can’t even remember the last time that you made me smile. Just recently you beat me over the head with a 7-29 run. Are you kidding me? That’s 19%!! Trust me, I get it.
Let’s face it – we’ve had some great times together. The Marlin’s 2003 championship season was awesome. And during Detroit’s run in 2006 I fell in love with you all over again. Even Garrett Anderson’s 2003 Home Run Derby win brings back warm memories. But those days are gone and it’s time to move on.
Do not show up on my TV or I will file a restraining order. I’m serious this time. You’ve obviously been using me for my money and messing with my head. I can’t even get a good night’s sleep anymore without dreaming about the seven runs you put up in the 10th inning to beat my Under by a half run. I’m done with you.
I’m sure you’re wondering, and yes, there is someone else. Her name is MMA and she treats me much better than you do. And if you even try to mess with her, she will put you in a Kimura and snap your arm. I’m sure there are plenty of other suckers out there for you to prey on. You’ll be fine.
I left you the coffee maker that my dad gave to us. I don’t even drink coffee so you may as well keep it. Oh, one more thing. Since I’m the only one in this relationship that ever did any sacrificing, I think you should know that you’re a filthy bunt. Goodbye.
So that’s that. Wow I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my doughy shoulders. So much free time now to live life the way it’s supposed to be lived. Where should I start?
I could enjoy the outdoors. Nah, too hot. I could meet new people. No way, I hate most humans. I could build a birdhouse. Oh right. That’s my dad who is actually handy. Well I’m sure I’ll find something to do.
What’s on TV tonight? ‘Numb3rs’. What a clever move turning the number three into a backwards ‘E’. Pass. ‘MTV Real World: Cancun’. No way Jose, Pedro and Javier! Tigers at Yankees – Verlander vs. Sabathia. Wow that sounds great! What’s the line??
Damn you baseball. I can’t quit you. I love-hate you too much. Come back home baby.
Such is the unstable relationship between myself and baseball. I love her like I’ve loved no other – probably always will. But how much more pain can one man take? How much longer do I allow her to abuse me like this? In order to salvage any remaining dignity I might have, I have to do this. But my God I love her so. I have to be strong.
Hush…Hush Sweet Charlotte
Dearest Baseball,
As I’m sure you could tell by the half-empty house, I’m leaving you. I apologize for my cowardice in doing it like this, but I thought it was classier than breaking up with you via text.
I love you Baseball. I always have and I always will. But we both know that this isn’t working out. The bad far outweighs the good these days, and I can’t take the abuse any longer. You definitely don’t love me like I love you. Every time I try to reconcile, like just last night, you repay me with a 1-3 night. I can’t even remember the last time that you made me smile. Just recently you beat me over the head with a 7-29 run. Are you kidding me? That’s 19%!! Trust me, I get it.
Let’s face it – we’ve had some great times together. The Marlin’s 2003 championship season was awesome. And during Detroit’s run in 2006 I fell in love with you all over again. Even Garrett Anderson’s 2003 Home Run Derby win brings back warm memories. But those days are gone and it’s time to move on.
Do not show up on my TV or I will file a restraining order. I’m serious this time. You’ve obviously been using me for my money and messing with my head. I can’t even get a good night’s sleep anymore without dreaming about the seven runs you put up in the 10th inning to beat my Under by a half run. I’m done with you.
I’m sure you’re wondering, and yes, there is someone else. Her name is MMA and she treats me much better than you do. And if you even try to mess with her, she will put you in a Kimura and snap your arm. I’m sure there are plenty of other suckers out there for you to prey on. You’ll be fine.
I left you the coffee maker that my dad gave to us. I don’t even drink coffee so you may as well keep it. Oh, one more thing. Since I’m the only one in this relationship that ever did any sacrificing, I think you should know that you’re a filthy bunt. Goodbye.
So that’s that. Wow I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my doughy shoulders. So much free time now to live life the way it’s supposed to be lived. Where should I start?
I could enjoy the outdoors. Nah, too hot. I could meet new people. No way, I hate most humans. I could build a birdhouse. Oh right. That’s my dad who is actually handy. Well I’m sure I’ll find something to do.
What’s on TV tonight? ‘Numb3rs’. What a clever move turning the number three into a backwards ‘E’. Pass. ‘MTV Real World: Cancun’. No way Jose, Pedro and Javier! Tigers at Yankees – Verlander vs. Sabathia. Wow that sounds great! What’s the line??
Damn you baseball. I can’t quit you. I love-hate you too much. Come back home baby.
The cycle of abuse continues
