[cala56]

More Good Dicks? what???

[cala56]

[pronk]

Go to hell

French Paratroopers
Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar.
"Ah, Pierre," asks one, " 'ow 'av you been doing?"
"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground."
"And zen what 'appened?" inquires his mate.
"I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said 'Jurmp!'."
"And did you jump?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jump five feet. It is beneass my dignity."
"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said 'Jump!'."
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my dignity to jump only ten feet."
"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and 'e said: 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your burm'."
"Ooooh!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"
"A leetle ... at ze beginning."



11-11-11


A man walks into a butcher's shop and inquires of the butcher: "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher says "Yes", so the man said: "I bet you $50 that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there." The butcher says "I'm not betting on that." "But I thought you were a gambling man" the man retorts. "Yes I am" says the butcher "but the steaks are too high."



Strangers in the night


During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler", replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender?

"Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender thought about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet". So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again". "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the $50", said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop".

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on". The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $1000 each that I could piss all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!"



Decision Point of sale

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police raid the game. Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: "Father Murphy, were you gambling?" Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then says, "No, officer, I was not gambling." The officer then asks the minister: "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?" Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, "No, officer, I was not gambling." Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: "With whom?"





What's the difference between praying in church and praying in a casino?



In a casino, you really mean it!







The Beatles

[Slainte]

Some very funny jokes here

[pronk]

Tree


Not Much

Three large, leather-clad bikers entered the truckers' café and walked over to a little old man eating at the counter.
The first biker pushed his cigarette into the man's pie.
The second spat into the man's milk.
The third turned over the old man's plate.
As they laughed and sat down in a booth, the old man stood up from the counter and silently left the diner.
When the waitress came to their booth to take their order, one biker said, "Not much of a man, was he?"
"Not much of a truck driver either," replied the waitress. "He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles!"





Father John

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old bastard," exclaimed the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years."



Have mercy! I have at least 1.578.498 children...


Donald Trump: Friar`s Club Roast On October 15, 2004, shortly before his wedding to model Melania Knauss, Donald Trump was roasted at the Friar`s Club`s 100th anniversary bash in New York City. Regis Philbin led a panel of friends in razzing the Donald, among them comedian Susie Essman. "I know what Melania sees in you," she joked. "A billion dollars and high cholesterol!"



Sunset


Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.
MALE PROCEDURE* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.* 2 Put down your car window.* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.* 6 Put window up.* 7 Drive off.



FEMALE PROCEDURE* 1 Drive up to cash machine.* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.* 5 Turn the radio down.* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.* 9 Insert card.* 10 Re-insert card the right side up* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.* 12 Enter PIN.* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.* 14 Enter amount of cash required.* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror.* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.* 19 Re-check make-up again.* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet.* 21 Reverse back to cash machine.* 22 Retrieve card.* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.* 27 Release Parking Brake.



Gagarin: 12th of April is the 50th anniversary of Gagarin's flight

[cala56]

[cala56]

You rule man.

[pronk]

You rule man.

[pronk]

Prompter


Will Rogers' Words of Wisdom

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Always drink upstream from the herd.


Crazy woodpacker

3. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

4. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.


When i was a child...


5. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

6. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.


Shadow

7. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

8. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.


Clogged brains

9. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

10. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


Japanese customs


DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge... Show him your badge!!"



Gollum


Murphy was 77 years old and had worked 80 hours a week all his life and never had a holiday. His children were all married and his wife had died. He decided to enjoy life. He had a face lift, got a new expensive toupee, bought ten new suits and a brand new car. One evening he got all dressed up in a new suit, new tie, put on his toupee, and got into his new car and drove off towards Dublin. He was only gone a mile when he was killed in an accident. On arrival in heaven, he walked over to St. Peter and said, "What`s going on here? All my life I worked hard, and finally, when I had everything in place to enjoy myself, I was killed. Why? Why did you let it happen?" St. Peter ducked his head in embarrassment and said, "Well, to tell you the truth I didn`t recognize you."


Webcam



Jack Palance

[pronk]

New breed of Japanese fly


All Female Airline Crew

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he asked, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the flight attendant, "and so is the co-captain. In fact, the entire crew is female."
"My God!" said Ed. "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing, sir," said the flight attendant. "We no longer call it the cockpit ... Now, it's called the box office."




A true story . . . .

When Apollo Mission Astronaut, Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous “One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind” statement, but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark “Good luck Mr. Gorsky.”
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people have questioned him as to what the “Good luck Mr. Gorsky” statement meant.
A few months ago, (July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbor’s bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick it up, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. “Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”



China in space


An astronaut and a cosmoaut are sitting at a bar.

The cosmonaut turns to the astronaut and says, "You know, comrade, we were the first to go to space."

The astronaut returns, "Well that may be true, but we were the first to land on the moon."

The cosmonaut says, "Then we will be the first to land on the sun!"

The astronaut asks, "How would you do that?"

The cosmonaut states, "We will go at night."

[pronk]

Lone rider


Traffic Warning
An Amish lady is driving down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a policeman.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you but I do have to issue you a warning," the officer said. "You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," she replied.
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse," said the officer. "That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the police officer.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.
"He said the reflector is broken," she answered.
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" asked her husband.
"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake..."





During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260 degree.
"But, sergeant, all circles have 360 degrees, called out a conscript.
"Don`t be stupid, the sergeant roared. "This is a small circle.



April's walkabout


Said the officer to the soldier, "Private, why did you salute that refrigerator?"
The soldier replied, "Because it was General Electric."
"And that jeep?" the officer asked.
Replied the soldier, "Because it was General Motors."



Hunting



A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.No one answered."I`m gonna have another beer and if my horse ain`t back outside by the time I`m finished, I`m gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don`t want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"Some of the locals shifted restlessly.He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"





Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He`s going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back.""Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He`ll always be just a good ol` boy. When he walks in, I`m sure all he`ll say is hello.""I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He`s so smart, he`ll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"



Suicide bomber



Masculine man



Sarkozy

[pronk]

American Gothic


Bumper Stickers - For Women!

1. Men are like coffee, the best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

2. Never underestimate the power of an extremely pissed off woman!

3. Being unstable and bitchy is all part of my mystique.


Cowboy


4. I haven't had my coffee yet, don't make me kill you!

5. Marriage: The end of a perfectly good sex life!

6. Romance: It's like sex without handcuffs.


Silvio Berlusconi

7. Jewelry - Because great sex doesn't last forever!

8. Tequila! Helping women lower their standards for years!

9. Life! So much time, so few men!



Intolerance


Iraqi Banking
An Iraqi goes to the bank to get his salary from a French Company. The Saudi manager of the bank asks him to sign on the back of the check."That`s humiliation," shouts the Iraqi, "why should the French sign on the front and I sign on the back. I want my money NOW!"The Saudi refuse to pay him and the Iraqi keeps shouting in the bank then the American high manager comes with a 5kg hammer and knocks the Iraqi on the head.After 5 minutes the Iraqi wakes up, signs the back of the check and gets his money. The Saudi clerk goes to the Iraqi and asks, "Tell me why you didn`t sign the check the first time but signed it later on?"The Iraqi said, "You missed the point, you just told it to me, but the American explained it."



French new law


Letter from angry customer

Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been inplace for eight years.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways.
You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2005, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorised contact at your bank, the only person with whom I willhave any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice.By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received.
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answeringservice. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration.
This month I`ve chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:"Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for" After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you.My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn`t come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your humble client

John Doe








Different worlds

[pronk]

Another Entry from the Guinness Book of Women's Records
Incorrect Driving: The longest journey completed with the emergency brake on was one of 504 kilometers (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead. England, by Dr. Julie Thorn (Great Britain) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the April 2, 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.





A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says "I`ve got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys." The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank`s underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000.Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?"The man answers, "I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?"



Witch starry night


Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan`s well-oiled economic machine. It`s only a matter of time before that powerful engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail. What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it`s something much more economically debilitating - and permanent. Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to practice law in Japan. What`s more, two of them are from New York! The decline has begun. Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000 engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed. But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan. If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it`s the presence of American attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus commodity?



Madness


The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation. A group of them got together and approached a conference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese and asked for help on this matter. An American replied, "You must do something so the world will respect you. The Japanese are known for their technology and the Germans are known for their resourcefulness. We Americans have had respect since we helped win the World War against the other two. See, you need to do something world-famous." A German added," Yes, he`s right. Why don`t you find a place in this world in need of a bridge that no one has dared build, build it, come back to us, and we will help publicize it." With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge. They designed it and worked 6 months and finally completed it. They then went back to report it to the group. The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it had one flaw: it was erected in the middle of the Sahara Desert. An American said, "No, no. See, that is why you have your reputation. There is no need for a bridge in the middle of the desert. Now go and dismantle it, and find a more strategic spot to erect it." The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks. One of the Japanese said, "Two weeks! It only took you two weeks to dismantle that bridge and build a new one??? That is amazing!!" To which a Polish man replied, "Well, not exactly. When we returned to the bridge we couldn`t dismantle it because there were all these Italians fishing off it."



Blue moon country


Two Japanese businessmen are talking during their afternoon dip in the hot baths at the Geisha house. The first businessman says, "Hirokosan, I have unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonoring you. I saw her the other night and she was out with another man." Hirokosan can`t believe what he hears, and asks for more information. "It is as I said, Hirokosan, and she is doing it with a foreigner who appears to be of the Jewish faith." Shocked, Hirokosan goes home to confront his wife. He faces her and says, "I am told that you are dishonoring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith". She replies, "That`s a lie! Where did you hear such meshugas?"



Horny snowman


They`re still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000 . When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you."

[pronk]

Warmer version of Picasso's Guernica


The following slogans were seen at beaches across ... er ... I mean around America. The T-shirts were all seen dry, just before they got wet, hehehe! Enjoy...

1. I'm confused ... No wait ... Maybe I'm not.
2. Despite the look on my face, you're still talking?
3. Dyslexics Untie!
4. Embarrassing my children: Just one more service I offer.
5. Getting married was her idea.



6. Mess with me, and you mess with the whole trailer park.
7. 333 - I'm only half evil.
8. Buy this man a beer!
9. If a man speaks in the forest, but there is no woman to hear him, IS HE STILL WRONG?
10. I would do me.



Education

This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."
The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket."




You might have a gambling problem if...

You help your four-year-old learn math by teaching her to count cards

When your addiction counselor says he thinks "the odds are good" that you will beat your gambling problem, you see it as a reason to immediately call your bookie

You lose your wife in a poker game; you lose your mistress going double-or-nothing; and now they refuse to let you bet your hooker



Easter 2011


Vegas Trip

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11" all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says "I know what you mean...my old lady played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers "hit me light or hit me hard", and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an a$$ full of quarters."


Messi vs. Ronaldo

There's the touching story of the young man who said to his girlfriend, "I bet you wouldn't marry me." The story goes that she not only called his bet but she raised him five!


Down by the river


A husband and wife were having dinner at a very Fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce." "I understand," replies her husband, "But, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infinity or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club, but the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim? " she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife



Smiling Jimmy Jefferson

[pronk]

Argument


A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient. "I`m diabetic and I`m afraid I`ve had too much sugar today." the caller said. "Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked. "No," the caller answered, "I`m a brunette."



Political speech


What NOT To Wear As You Get Older

1. A nose ring and bifocals.
2. Spiked hair and bald spots.
3. A pierced tongue and dentures.
4. Miniskirts and support hose.
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads.
6. Speedo's and cellulite.
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar.
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor.
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge.
10. Bikinis and liver spots,
11. Short shorts and varicose veins.
12. Inline skates and a walker.
13. Thongs and Depends.
And the ultimate "Bad Taste" in fashion for the "Older Folks" --
14. Pierced Nipples that hang below the waist.





Maturity

Sarah and Suzy have been married to their husbands for many years and are the best of friends. Sarah doesn’t think her husband finds her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn`t even bother to look at me!" said Sarah.
"It’s the opposite for me”, replies Suzy. “As I get older, my husband says I get even more beautiful every day."
"But that’s because your husband is an antique dealer!"



Bad bunny


A travelling salesman was passing through a small town in the West when he saw a little old man sitting in a rocking chair on the stoop of his house. The little old man looked so contented that the salesman couldn't resist going over and talking to him. "You look as if you don't have a care in the world," the salesman told him. "What is your formula for a long and happy life?" "Well," replied the little old man, "I smoke six packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a quart of bourbon every four hours and six cases of beer a week. I never wash and I go out every night." "My goodness," exclaimed the salesman, "that's just great! How old are you?" "Twenty-five," was the reply.



Justice hammer


An inexperienced real estate salesman asked his boss if he could refund the deposit to an angry customer who had discovered that the lot he had bought was under water.
"What kind of salesman are you? the boss scolded. "Get out there and sell him a boat.



Country lane

The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life-long pet parrot.First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, ?Reveille, Reveille. Up allhands. Heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lighted, now Reveille.?The old chief told the parrot, ?We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep.?The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. Chief told the parrot, ?If you keep this up, I`ll put you out in the chicken pen.?Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen.About 0630 the next morning, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter. The parrot had about 40 white chickens at attention in formation, and on the ground laid 3 bruised and beaten brown chickens. The parrot was saying, ?By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don`tmean Khakis!?





Snail hat

[shopbar picks]

some very funny stuff pronk thanx

[pronk]

Black beans soup

Jack was at the country club for his weekly round of golf and what a round it was: he begain with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on two. On three, he scored his hole-in-one. Then his cell phone rang. It was his doctor, who said, "Your wife has been in a terrible accident and is in critical condition in the Intensive Care Unit." "I'll be there as soon as possible!" said Jack.... but as he hung up, he realized this may be the best round of golf of his life. "Maybe just a couple more holes wouldn't hurt," he thought. By the time he reached his eighteenth hole, he had shattered the club record with 61! Although jubilant, he also felt guilty about ignoring his wife. He dashed into the hospital and found the doctor in the corridor. "Doc! I got here as fast as I could. How is she?" The doctor glared at him. "You bastard! You finished your round of golf, didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out there enjoying yourself, Annie has languished in the ICU! For the rest of her life, she is going to require full-time medical care...... from you!" Jack felt so quilty that he broke down in tears. The doctor snickered. "Nah, just kidding! She died two hours ago. How'd you shoot!"


Egg rule


Irish father Flannigan, an elderly irish priest invited irish father O`Connell, a younger irish priest from a neighboring parish who was fresh from the seminary, over for dinner. During the meal, the young irish priest couldn`t help noticing how attractive and shapely the house keeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly irish priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young irish priest`s thoughts, the elderly irish priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly irish priest and said, "irish father Flannigan, ever since the irish father O`Connell came to dinner, I`ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don`t suppose he took it do you?" The irish priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I`ll write him a letter just sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear irish father O`Connell I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation at dinner the other night and hope we have the opportunity to do so again. On another matter. We had a beautiful silver ladle which was a gift from a parishioner that comes to visit from time to time. The ladle has come up missing and I would be very embarrassed to invite her over and she notice the missing ladle. It is very important that it be found. Now, I`m not saying that you `did` take a gravy ladle from my house, and I`m not saying you `did not` take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here." Several days later the elderly irish priest received a letter from the young irish priest which read: "Dear irish father Flannigan, I also enjoyed our dinner and conversation and hope note only that we do so again, but also that I be permitted to return the favor. On the other matter. Now, I`m not saying that you `do` sleep with your housekeeper, and I`m not saying that you `do not` sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."





A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars.""Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."The man asked about the next parrot on the perch."That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot."That one costs 2,000 dollars.""And what does that one do?" the man asked.The owner replied, "To be honest, I`ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"



Prime Ministers



Frederico Fellini

[pronk]

Faithful Soldier



Sexometer

[pronk]

Opportunity


Actual 911 Calls

1. Dispatcher: "9-1-1, what's your emergency?"
Caller: "I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner."
Dispatcher: "Do you have an address?"
Caller: "No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?"



Mr. Bean


2. Dispatcher: "9-1-1, what's the nature of your emergency?"
Caller: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
Dispatcher: "Is this her first child?"
Caller: "No, you idiot! This is her husband!"



The Feast is over


3. Dispatcher: "9-1-1, what's the nature of your emergency?"
Caller: "Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath ... I think I'm going to pass out."
Dispatcher: "Sir, where are you calling from?"
Caller: "I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster."
Dispatcher: "Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?"
Caller: "No."
Dispatcher: "What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?"
Caller: "Running from the police."





A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He says, "Mom, look - I`m a white boy!" His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father." He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look Dad, I`m a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother." The boy goes into his grandmother`s room and say, "Mira, Abuelita, I`m a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, "See, did you learn anything from that?" To which the boy replies, "Sure did! I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you Mexicans!"



Happiness


A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started
back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a
grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did
you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your
private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen
before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."



Easter



Abe

[pronk]

Two Old Ladies

Two old ladies, Mabel and Maude, are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Mabel pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
"What the hell is that?" asks Maude.
"A condom," replies Mabel. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
"Where did you get it?" asks Maude.
"You can get them at any drugstore," says Mabel.
The next day, Maude hobble herself into the local drugstore and tells the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at Maude kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter, Sonny," says Maude, "as long as it fits on a Camel."
And that's when the pharmacist fainted.





A doctor has some trouble with the kitchen sink, on a public holiday. He calls the local plumber, only to be told that it`s his day off. "But I get called out on my days off, too!" says the doctor, somewhat exasperated." So, the plumber relents. The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied. He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of aspirin and walks out, saying, "Put these in. If it doesn`t clear up in 24 hours, call me tomorrow."





Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn`t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, sellinginsurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones` sales pitch.Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government hasto pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don`t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"



Boss

[bamacards]

--------1. Charlie Sheen Joke
Q. Exactly how much cocaine has Charlie Sheen done?
A. Enough to kill Two and a Half Men!


lmao---very true statement

[pronk]

Easter


The Southern Lady

Two nicely dressed happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait at the Los Angeles International Airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered elderly lady from the South.
When the conversation drifted to whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
"Well, isn't that precious," commented the lady from the South.
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
"Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious."
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought this exquisite diamond bracelet."
And, again, the Southern landy commented, "Well, isn't that precious."
The first woman then asked the Southern lady, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," said the Southern lady.
"Oh, my God! What on Earth for?" asked the first woman.
"Well, for example," the Southern lady replied, "instead of saying, 'Who gives a shit!' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious."



Hot cross bunny

A man calls the fire department and says, "Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden." "Very nice," the firefighter says, "but what does that have to do with the fire service?" "Well," the man answers, "the house next door is on fire and I don`t want you to trample my front yard."





The First Officer An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Chinese. It`s the first time they`ve flown together and it`s obvious by the silence that they don`t get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, "I don`t like Chinese." The First Officer replies, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?" The Captain says, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That`s why I don`t like Chinese." The First Officer says, "Noooo, noooo.... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." And the Captain answers, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn`t matter, they`re all alike." Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the First Officer says, "No like Jew." The Captain replies, "Why not? Why don`t you like Jews?" The First Officer says, "Jews sink Titanic." The Captain tries to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn`t sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." The First Officer replies," Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah. All same."



The choir


A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mea Lookzee Yu, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report: Most honorable sir: You leave house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree-look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see. NO FEE.

[pronk]

Maho Beach is a beach situated in St Maarten in the Netherlands Antilles, on the Dutch side of the island. The location is known worldwide because of the Princess Juliana International Airport that is situated immediately adjacent to the beach.

Enjoy...





Incoming air traffic is known to have to touch down as close as possible to the beginning of runway 10 due to the short runway length of 2,180 metres/7,152 ft, resulting in low-flying aircraft on their final approach over the beach. Due to these low flying airplanes (including large passenger airliners such as the Boeing 747), the location is very popular with plane spotters.



People standing on the beach may also be blown into the water because of the jet blast from aircraft taking off from runway 10. The beach can also experience large waves which makes it popular with windsurfers and skimboarders. The local government warns that closely approaching and departing aircraft can “result in serious injury and/or death.” An additional fence has been added recently behind runway 10 to prevent irresponsible tourists from hanging on to the main fence surrounding the runway to be “blasted” by the aircraft engines’ flow.



As of 2008, it is one of the few places in the world where one can view aircraft in their flightpath virtually just outside the end of the runway. Watching airplanes over the beach is such a popular activity that daily arrivals and departures airline timetables are displayed on a board in most bars and restaurants on the beach, and the Sunset Beach Bar and Grill has a speaker on its outside deck that broadcasts the radio transmissions between pilots and the airport’s control tower. Sign warning passers-by about the risks of jet blast.



The beach itself is white sand and has little to no vegetation because of the jet blast erosion. The Caravanserai Resort, the popular Sunset Beach Bar and other restaurants/night clubs such as Bamboo Bernies and Bliss are located nearby.



On October 16, 2008, the Maho area of St. Maarten suffered a direct hit from Hurricane Omar and destroyed the Sunset Bar and Grill while also destroying Bamboo Bernies and Bliss. As of November 2009, Sunset Beach Bar and Grill and Bliss have both re-opened. Omar reduced the beach to boulders, and damaged the nearby Royal Islander Club La Plage which re-opened February 14, 2009.



Runway 10/28 was originally runway 09/27 which was changed as a result of geomagnetic alterations since the original construction. This change occurred on November 1, 2008.

[pronk]

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon network!"



A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"



At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"



Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
















Kids and technology




"I'm glad I'm finally eight. This is the oldest I've ever been in my entire life!" -Ryan, age eight



"Have you seen my gloves? They are pink and they are kind of shaped like my hand." -Haily, age 5



"You can only say cuss words when you are using tools, at least that's when Daddy uses them." -Dillan, age 6

[marinagmendes]

i am not going to that airport in St. Maarten, I am so scared of planes, weird thing about me

[pronk]

Things Confucius Didn't Say, But Probably Should Have

1. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
2. Man who runs in front of car get tired;
man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
3. Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.
4. War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
5. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.



6. It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
7. Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
8. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
9. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
10. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.





Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"




A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"



Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart


A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"





His father sends a small boy to bed. Five
minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your
chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

[pronk]

Irish Joke No. 182

An Irish mental hospital thought Patty and Mike might be cured so they summoned them to the doctor's waiting room.
Patty went in first.
"Patty, you will be asked two questions and, if you get them right, you will be free to go. First, if I poked out one of your eyes, what would happen?"
Patty answered, "I'd be blind in one eye."
"What if I poked out your other eye?"
"I'd be totally blind."
Patty knew he had gotten his freedom.
The doctor sent Patty back to the waiting room where he told Mike both the questions and the correct answers.
The doctor called Mike in and asked, "Mike, if I cut off your ear, what would happen?"
Mike remembered what Patty told him and replied, "I'd be blind in one eye."
This perplexed the doctor, but he asked his other question, "What if I cut off your other ear?"
"I'd be totally blind," Mike answered with a grin.
"Mike, exactly what's your reasoning behind those answers?"
Mike realized his error but quickly responded, "Me hat'd fall over me eyes!"




The Doctor
Shlomo goes to Doctor Lewis for a check up. After extensive tests Doctor Lewis tells him, "I`m afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live."
Shlomo is dumbstruck. After a while he replies, "That`s terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can`t afford to pay your bill."
"Ok," says Doctor Lewis, "I`ll give you a year to live."





The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"





A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."



Good morning!


A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."



Honeymoon went wrong


After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

[pronk]

Young Jock MacTavish got down on his knees to propose to her when a 10p piece dropped out of his pocket and rolled under the sofa. In the 20 minutes it took him to find it she had lost interest.



Crazy glue

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he got, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do. The urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant and told him that he was sick and could not attend church. Then he packed up the car, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he`s doing." God nodded in agreement.The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung, and the ball sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A perfect hole-in-one. The preacher was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"



French Presidents

Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside.One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, `I Shall Not Be Moved.`The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, `Jesus Paid It All.`The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was `I Love To Tell The Story.`The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang `Oh, Why Not Tonight.`When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, `What A Friend We Have in Jesus.`


Dictator-ship


A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I`ll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking.Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I`ll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.The man said "Get in with me and I`ll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"

[Shortstop]

Some good stuff in here, pronk! Keep up the great work!

[ncsubowen]

Man who go to sleep with itchy butt wake up with stinky finger.

[pronk]

Crossed fingers


Gus, a traveling salesman, stopped at a gas station to use the facilities. The restroom had two commodes, and there was a man already using one of them. They nodded at each other and went about their business. Gus finished first and as he pulled up his pants, some change fell out of his pocket into the bowl. He looked at it for a moment, then threw a $50 into the bowl."What did you do that for?!" the other man asked.Gus replied, "Well, you don`t expect me to put my hand in there for thirty-five cents, do you?"



Union workers


The birthday present
Avrahom walks into John Lewis department store and goes straight to the perfumery department. He says to an assistant, "Today is my wife Sharon’s birthday and I would like to buy her a nice bottle of French perfume.
The assistant says, "That will be a nice surprise for her."
Avrahom replies, "It sure will – she’s expecting a diamond necklace."



The forgotten thought


THE JEWISH RULES
• The female always makes the rules.
• The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
• No male can possibly know all the rules.
• If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all the rules.




• The female is never wrong.
• If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
• If the above applies, the male must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding.



• An apology without flowers is not an apology.
• The female may change her mind at any time.
• The male must never change his mind at any time without the expressed consent of the female.
• The male may not point out that the woman has changed her mind.
• The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.


Mama Queen

• The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
• The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
• The female is ready when she is ready.
• The male must be ready at all times.
• If the female is PMS, all rules are null & void.



• The male may not inquire if the woman is angry or upset.
• The male may not inquire when the women will be ready.
• The male may not inquire about the women`s time of the month.
• The male is expected to mind-read at all times.
• The male must earn the respect of the female by giving his life up in service to her needs and nurturing of her character.

[pronk]

George W. Bush's Intelligence Quiz While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass." Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"






Bush's Psalm "Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want. He leadeth me beside the still factories, He maketh me to lie down on park benches, He restoreth my doubts about our Government, He guideth me onto the paths of unemployment for the party's sake. I do fear the evildoers, for thou talkst about them constantly. Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy deficit spending They do discomfort me. Thou anointeth me with never-ending debt, And my savings and assets shall soon be gone. Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me, And my jobless children shall dwell in my basement forever."





Bush and Powell Plan World War III
Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"

The barman said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!" Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!"



The Christmas Star


Show and Tell Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so he teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said David, "He works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."





Cheney and the Bushes on a Plane

Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

George W. Bush Meets Moses George W. Bush was walking through an airport last week, when he saw an old man with white hair, a long white beard, wearing a long white robe and holding a staff. He walked up to the man, who was staring at the ceiling, and "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?"
The man stood perfectly still and continued to stare at the ceiling, saying nothing. Again, George W. asked, a little louder this time, "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?" Again, the old man stared at the ceiling motionless without saying a word. George W. tried a third time, louder yet. "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?" Again, no movement or words from the old man. He continued to stare at the ceiling.
One of George W's aides asked him if there was a problem, and George W. said, "Either this man is deaf or extremely rude. I have asked him three times if he was Moses, and he has not answered me yet." To which the man, still staring at the ceiling finally replied to the aide, "I can hear him and yes, I am Moses, but the last time I spoke to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the wilderness."




God and the Village Idiot
One day God was hanging out at the Pearly Gates with St. Paul.

"I need to find someone to run for president," he said after a while.

Attentive to his boss' needs, St. Paul started naming off a few qualified candidates.

"Nah, I want that guy," he said pointing to a drunken Texas governor pissing off a balcony.

"You've got to be kidding," said St. Paul, "Not only is he dumber than a box of rocks, he's got drinking and drug problems."

"I don't care," said God, "This is the guy."

Perplexed, St. Paul asked: "What is the problem, Lord, art thou angry with the Americans?"

"No," said God, "I made a bet with the Devil that I could get a village idiot to run for president."

"But won't that work in the Devil's favor, oh Lord?" Paul asked.

"That's all right," said God, "he'll never take Florida."




Fire Destroys Bush Presidential Library
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.
Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.

[pronk]

Confession


Stuff You Didn't Care You Didn't Know

1.Many years ago in Scotland a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only - Ladies Forbidden" and, thus, the term Golf entered into the English language.

2. In the 1400's, a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick thicker than his thumb - from which we get the expression "rule of thumb".

3. The first couple to be shown in bed together on U.S. prime time t.v. were: Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

4. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common? They were all invented by women.

5. In Babylon 4,000 years ago, it was the accepted practice that, for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his new son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a beer made with honey and because the Babylonian calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month". Which is why today, it is known as the honeymoon.



Oculist


There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."



Beatification


One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."





This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the great pants mate?" The man replies, " David Jones." This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, "Look Who the hell are you mate?" And the naked guy says, "I'm David Jones!"






A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."





A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the super bowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80." The robot then said, "So, how are things in Alabama these days?"



Political climate change

[pronk]

Taliban TV Guide
MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"


Chilean miners rescued

WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "Bowling For Food"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"
THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionare"
9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"


Nuclear threat

A Few Handy Phrases for Traveling in the Middle East
AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.= Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT RAEH GUSH DIVAR.= I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
SHOMAEH FIKR TAMOMEH GEH GOFTEK BANDE.= I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
AUTO ARRAREGH DVATEMAN MAMO SEPAHEH-HAST.= It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHAVAREHMAN.= If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRKAHEY.= I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.
BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!= Whatever you say!
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GORBAN.= The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE GOYAST INO BERGERAM.= The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.
BA BODENEH SHEERELL TEEGZ.= Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than to spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.





Dr. Seuss' Story of "The Binch"

Every U down in Uville liked U.S. a lot,
But the Binch, who lived Far East of Uville, did not.
The Binch hated U.S! the whole U.S. way!
Now don't ask me why, for nobody can say,

It could be his turban was screwed on too tight.
Or the sun from the desert had beaten too bright
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But, Whatever the reason, his heart or his turban,
He stood facing Uville, the part that was urban.
"They're doing their business," he snarled from his perch.
"They're raising their families! They're going to church!




They're leading the world, and their empire is thriving,
I MUST keep the S's and U's from surviving!"
Tomorrow, he knew, all the U's and the S's,
Would put on their pants and their shirts and their dresses,

They'd go to their offices, playgrounds and schools,
And abide by their U and S values and rules,
And then they'd do something he liked least of all,
Every U down in U-ville, the tall and the small,

Would stand all united, each U and each S,
And they'd sing Uville's anthem, "God bless us! God bless!"
All around their Twin Towers of Uville, they'd stand,
and their voices would drown every sound in the land.



"I must stop that singing," Binch said with a smirk,
And he had an idea--an idea that might work!
The Binch stole some U airplanes in U morning hours,
And crashed them right into the Uville Twin Towers.

"They'll wake to disaster!" he snickered, so sour,
"And how can they sing when they can't find a tower?"
The Binch cocked his ear as they woke from their sleeping,
All set to enjoy their U-wailing and weeping,

Instead he heard something that started quite low,
And it built up quite slow, but it started to grow--
And the Binch heard the most unpredictable thing...
And he couldn't believe it--they started to sing!



He stared down at U-ville, not trusting his eyes,
What he saw was a shocking, disgusting surprise!
Every U down in U-ville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any towers at all!

He HADN'T stopped U-Ville from singing! It sung!
For down deep in the hearts of the old and the young,
Those Twin Towers were standing, called Hope and called Pride,
And you can't smash the towers we hold deep inside.

So we circle the sites where our heroes did fall,
With a hand in each hand of the tall and the small,
And we mourn for our losses while knowing we'll cope,
For we still have inside that U-Pride and U-Hope.

For America means a bit more than tall towers,
It means more than wealth or political powers,
It's more than our enemies ever could guess,
So may God bless America! Bless us! God bless!





Failed Taliban Recruiting Posters:
1. "Be Allah you can be"
2. "Aim Low"
3. "An Army of None"
4. "The Few..................................... "
5. "Martyrs have more fun"
6. "Vigins....we got Virgins!!"
7. "Free Camoflage Turbans....sign up today!"
8. "Uncle oSAMa wants you"





"One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who look forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll continue living." —Jay Leno

Q:Why does Osama always carry a piece of shit in his pocket?
A: It's his photo ID

Q: What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.

Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck

Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

Q: What does osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What's the difference between the Taliban and a bucket of shit?
A: the bucket

Q: What's the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.

Q: Why don't bin laden's people eat shit sandwiches?
A: they can't stand bread

Q: Why doesn't the Taliban have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?
A: because the camels can't handle it

A POEM FOR BIN LADEN

Osama Bin Laden, your time is short;
We'd rather you die, than come to court.
Why are you hiding if it was in God's name?
You're just a punk with a turban; a pathetic shame.

I have a question, about your theory and laws;
"How come you never die for the cause?"
Is it because you're a coward who counts on others?
Well, here in America, we stand by our brothers.

As is usual, you failed in your mission;
If you expected pure chaos, you can keep on wishin'
Americans are now focused and stronger than ever;
Your death has become our next endeavor.

What you tried to kill, doesn't live in our walls;
It's not in buildings or shopping malls.
If all of our structures came crashing down;
It would still be there, safe and sound.

Because pride and courage can't be destroyed;
Even if the towers leave a deep void.
We'll band together and fill the holes
We'll bury our dead and bless their souls.

But then our energy will focus on you;
And you'll feel the wrath of the Red, White and Blue.
So slither and hide like a snake in the grass;
Because America's coming to kick your ass!!!

The Top 15 Things on Osama bin Laden's
To-Do List


15. Shave, change gender, bleach hair blond, change name to
"Desiree" and move to Paris to pursue my dream of being
a dancer!

14. Unplug flashing neon "Osama's Place!" sign.

13. Redeem gift certificate for Honey Baked Ham before it
expires.

12. Order another gross of Change of Address cards.

11. Delete Pakistani prime minister from my AOL Buddy List.

10. Trim beard down to sassy goatee to look more "dangerous."

9. Quit smoking opium. Man, the crazy stuff I do when I
smoke opium!

8. Order some gingham curtains from Pottery Barn to brighten up
the cave.


7. Stop by Toys 'R' Us and pick up some more friggin' Pokemon
crap for the kids.

6. Complete metamorphosis into adult housefly.

5. Have Cosmo subscription forwarded to Hindu Kush bunker.

4. 11:30 Eat Fruit Rollups while watching "Friends" via bunker
satellite.

3. Call Century 21. List the cave. Stat!

2. Pitch "Who Wants to Marry The World's #1 Most Wanted Man"
concept to FOX.


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing
on Osama bin Laden's To-Do List...


1. Devise plan to get in the pants of that capitalist dog,
Britney Spears.

[pronk]

The 1st Donald Trump Political Joke of 2011
A private Leer jet arrives at Heathrow international airport and Donald Trump strides to a waiting limousine which drives him to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. From there, they are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to Trump saying, "Mr. Trump, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Trump, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."



Westernization


Creative Answering Machine Messages

1. Hello. I'm Igor's answering machine. What are you?

2. Hi, this is Igor's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.

3. Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone ...

4. [Very fast] Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and ...BEEP!

5. Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.





The special award
Maurice had worked most of his life helping his community and he was therefore thrilled one morning to hear that his unselfish work had been recognised by the Queen, no less. She had decided to bestow on Maurice a knighthood.
But his elation soon turned to dismay when he realised that his ceremony would take place on the first night of Pesach. “What on earth should I do”, thought Maurice, “should I attend ceder night with my loving family or should I accept one of the highest honours in the land? His family soon talked him into going to the Palace. “The award is too special to turn down and you would always live to regret it”, they told him.
His next worry was what to say to the Queen. He just couldn`t think of anything that would be of interest to her. He just hoped that he would come up with something on the day.
Come the special day. There was Maurice, on his knees, being knighted, with the Queen touching his shoulders with her sword and Maurice shaking with excitement. All of a sudden, he burst out with “Ma Nishtona haleila hazeh”.
The Queen looked at Prince Philip with a surprised expression on her face and said to him “Why is this knight different from all other knights?”





John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?

"No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!"



Fashion show


While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.
"Wow," said the tourist.
The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."





At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.
The judge asks the baby bear; "do you want to live with papa bear? The baby bear replied; "No he beats me. " The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear! The baby bear said, "No she beats me too." The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?" The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"




Two golfers met at the club. "I heard about your terrible tragedy last week," said one.
"Yes," said the other sadly, sipping his drink. "I was playing a two-some with Winthrop, and he dropped dead on the ninth hole."
"I understand you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse too," the first man said sympathetically. "That must have been very difficult, considering Winthrop weighed over two hundred and fifty pounds."
"The carrying wasn't that hard. It was putting him down at every stroke, then picking him up again that wore me out."





There was a student that had a chance to learn the sport of skydiving. After having been instructed by his teacher he jumped out and forgot how to release his shoot. As he was falling rapidly towards earth, he suddenly saw a man shooting up towards him and as the man passed by, the student yelled! "Do you know how to operate a parachute? The man passing by him answered NO! "But do you know anything about a gas heater?



Night of the hunter