[pronk]

Kidnappers

New Jersey Hunters

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"



Old Commissar: Where were you from 11:30 PM to 3:45 AM?


In 2000, the two major party presidential candidates agreed that Americans were seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details. The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television. Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity. In other words, Bush said there was too much gore, and Gore said there was too much bush.



Chinese Chairmen: deng xiaoping, hua guofeng, mao zedong, zhou enlai, jiang zemin, hu jintao

A single Chinese man owns a Chinese restaurant, and one day a beautiful Chinese woman walks in. He immediately walks over and asks her out on a date. She agrees. They go out for a while, and soon, the man proposes to her. She says "Yes, but before we do, there`s something you must know. I have never had the sex, but I`ve read about it." He says that it`s not a problem, and they are married. On their honeymoon, the man tells his wife that since she`s a virgin, she can choose what they do first. She says "Oh, most honorable husband. I am honored to be your wife, even though I have never had the sex, but I`ve read about it. So, I have chosen to have the 69. The husband looks confused, and after thinking about it, he says "You want.. the beef and broccoli?"





An old mouse chanced to see a cat wearing a few beads round her neck. "Ah," said the mouse with joy, "that cat has turned vegetarian." Thereupon, he brought his offspring along to pay a call on the cat to express their gratitude. No sooner had they appeared than the cat gave a deep howl and devoured several mice in rapid succession. The old mouse turned tail in the nick of time and made good his escape. Sticking out his tongue, he cried: "My, my! That pussy is even more ferocious after turning vegetarian."





Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs, and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign "Hans Olaffsen`s Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like `Hans Olaffsen`s Laundry?`" The old man answers, "Is name of owner." The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right here," replies the old man. "You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?" "Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, `What your name?` He say,`Hans Olaffsen.` Then she look at me and go, `What your name?`" "I say Sem Ting."





An Ashkenazi Rabbi was leading a service at his synagogue when he started to wonder whether there are Chinese Jews. He flew all the way from New York City to the Chinatown in San Francisco. Sure enough, there was a Chinese congregation with a Chinese Rabbi. He stared for a while, and, finally, the Chinese Rabbi asks, "Are you Jewish?" "Yes, why do you ask?" "Funny," says the Chinese Rabbi. "You don`t look it."



Mad Princesses

[pronk]

Beauty at half-price


Las Vegas

This may come as a surprise to those of you who don't live in Las Vegas, Nevada, but there are more Catholic Churches there than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get the chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to redeem these offertory chips. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting, then the chips are taking to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This, of course, is done by the chip monks.....



Pac-Man pinata


The slalom
As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in as little time as possible. Well, it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom-skier in the world, and the country had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal.
The day of the final came, and the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss was clocked at 38.7 seconds, the German at 37.8 seconds, and the Italian at 38.1 seconds. Then came the turn of the Israeli. The crowd waited, and waited...SIX MINUTES!
"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived. Replied the exhausted Israeli: "Which of those bastards fixed a mezuzah to each gate?"



Kugelmonster hoops


A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I`m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?""Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"



"Papi" Berlusconi Bunga Bunga


Q: How many Vikings does it take to win a Superbowl?

A. No one knows, and we may never find out!





Years ago famed Chicago Bears coach George Halas was screaming at a referee from outside the designated coaching area when the ref slapped George with a 5 yard penalty.Halas threw down his hat and yelled at the referee, "you imbecile, it`s a fifteen yard penalty, not a five yarder for coaching outside the box" -- to which the referee supposedly replied, "I know, but the way you coach George, it`ll only be five".



Natural science


A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.


Yoghurt


A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.

Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?

Brother 2: He's Dead

Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days.

You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something.

Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.

Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

Brother 2: She's up on the roof



Reunion in Hell


Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.



Burgtheater

[pronk]

Bird train


The Late Mr. Bialystock

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Bialystock, he made an amazing discovery - Bialystock had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Bialystock," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that, the mortician used his scalpel to remove the dead man's privates.
He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, opening his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Bialystock is dead!"



Zentaur goes West


Franco, the Italian Stallion at the local night club, leaned forward and said to the young lady he was dancing with, "I`d like to compliment you on your panties. They are pink with your initials embroidered, and trimmed in lace." "How do you know?" inquired the young lady. Franco replied, "I`m wearing my three hundred dollar Gucci shoes that are highly polished, and I can see the reflection up your skirt." With that, the young lady slaps his face and hurries off the dance floor. A short time later, Franco begins dancing with another pretty young lady, when he says, "I`d like to compliment you on your panties. They are brown with tan trim and embroidered with the day of the week." "How do you know?" she demanded to know. Franco replied, "I`m wearing my three hundred Gucci shoes. They are highly polished and I can see the reflection of what is up your skirt." Again, Franco gets his face slapped, and the second young lady storms off the dance floor. Unaffected by his rejections, Franco begins dancing with yet another pretty young lady. After a moment, he asks, "Are you wearing black, furry panties?" The pretty young lady replied, "I`m not wearing any panties at all." "Thank God," he blurted out, "because I thought I had a split in my three hundred dollar Gucci shoes!"



Caught red handed


A new TV programme � �Who wants to be a kosher millionaire?�
You have 3 lifelines to help you as follows

you may call your Rabbi for his opinion;
you may ask the Congregation for their opinion;
you may consider your wife`s opinion... or not!

OK, so let`s play already.
Q: Who is Israel`s favourite Internet provider?
A: Netanyahoo
Q: What�s the name of the face lotion made especially for Becky?
A: Oil of Oy Vay
Q: What�s the title of a horror film for Jewish women?
A: Debby Does The Dusting
Q: What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
A: Plaintiff
Q: In Jewish doctrine, when does a foetus become human?
A: When it wins a place in medical school
Q: What does Sadie do to keep her hands soft and her nails long
A: Nothing at all
Q: Define "genius"
A: An average student with a Jewish mother
Q: Why did the mohel retire?
A: He just couldn`t cut it anymore
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat





A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend,"



Self-defense


A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"





A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."



Little Red Riding Hood


A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!" Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!" The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"






Rabbits show



Tarantula dance

[pronk]

A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!"
The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it .... and found a brand new bathroom scale.





"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."





A man looking for a job."...And remember we are very keen about clenliness. Did you wipe your shoes before entering� asked the manager. "Oh, yes sir."
Replied the man. The manager narrowed his eyes and said, "We are also very keen about the truth. There is no mat."





Friendship between women: A woman doesn`t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

Friendship between men: A man doesn`t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend`s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.



Finland vs Portugal


A fat lady walks into a bar with a pig under her arm. The bartender asks: "where did you get the cow?" the fat lady says "its not a cow its a pig", and the bartender said, " I was talking to the pig"





At a bar, one patron to another: "Excuse me but I think you owe me a drink."
Why?
"You`re so ugly that I dropped mine when I saw you"



The real reason he had to move

[pronk]

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk."Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian."



Terry Jones


Earring A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. "Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?" "Ehr, ever since my wife found it in our bed."





Child`s Perspective on Retirement

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people."They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don`t know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.They play games and do exercises there, but they don`t do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don`t know how to swim.At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can`t get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck.My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."




A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.Thinking he`d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole."Now what?", the fellow asked the speechless pro."Uh... you`re supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.The retiree replied, "Oh great! NOW you tell me!"



Unknown Osama


The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.





A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who`s the boss around here?" he asked."I am." said the man."I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one.""No, no, no, get the brown one." the man`s wife said."Here`s your chicken." said the farmer.

[pronk]

Bad day on the beach


Arnold is doing some shopping at Brent Cross Shopping Centre when he meets Lionel. They haven�t seen each other for many years.
"So what are you doing with yourself these days, Lionel?" asks Arnold.
"Well," replies Lionel, "I used to work for Rothschilds Bank but I retired last year."
"Lucky old you," says Arnold, "so what do you do with yourself all day?"
"I get up late each morning," replies Lionel, "have my breakfast and then lie down on my veranda and relax. At midday, I go inside for some lunch. Then I go outside and lie on my veranda again. At the end of the day, I have dinner and drink only the finest of wines. Then I light up a good cigar. Later on, I go lie on my veranda again."
"Wow," says Arnold, "that sounds fantastic to me. I envy you. Please God I should make enough money to retire soon."
When Arnold gets home, he tells his wife Naomi all about his conversation with Lionel. After hearing Arnold�s story, Naomi asks, "Did he tell you his wife`s name?"
"I`m not sure," replies Arnold, "but I think it`s Veranda."



Spaghetti western


A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture.The burglar froze in place and didn`t move. The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood."What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman.She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman`s quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked."Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38`s!"



The Tower of pizza


woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.When returning to her car she found that she had locked herkeys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.She didn`t know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don`t know how to use this."So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God!You even sent me a Professional!"



Reality 3-D

A Newark woman reporting her car as stolen mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.




The Smith`s were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.The author said he could handle the story tactfully.The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."





In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a BkofAma branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

[pronk]

California Humor

Do you know what happened this month back in 1850, in California? California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California today ... except the women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands - at least not in public.





Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I`m a bell. Well, just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring.





Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!





Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"





Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.



30 years ago Bob departed this world


Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.



Lucifer against the human nature


Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.





Q. A man noticed that his CC had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.



Touch of romance


Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.



UK vs US


Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.



Crazy Horse Pizza


Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"



Thinker



Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.



Nothing but the truth


Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!



Twang

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.



Wait

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.



finished image

[pronk]

Keep your extra point for all i care or you can give to John's brother TomJim or whatever his name is...