[pronk]

[pronk]

GOD will save me

The police were going door to door warning everyone to evacuate
because the river was rising. One door they came to, the man said "GOD
will save me".
The river continued to rise and he was forced to move everthing to the
second floor of his house. A man in a boat came by and offered to save
him. Again he said "GOD will save me".
Pretty soon the second story was flooded and he was forced to get on
the roof of his house. A helicopter came by and tried to save him and
yet again he said "GOD will save me".
It wasn't long before the house was completely covered and the man
died and went to heaven. He confronted God with "Why didn't you save
me, GOD?"
And God said " I sent you the police, a boat and a helicopter. Why did
you stay in the house?"


Pick me up!


An Eskimo was tapping on some ice looking for some fish when a voice said; “You won’t find any fish under there!” The Eskimo just ignored it and carried on tapping. Again, the voice echoed saying “You won’t find any fish under there!” The Eskimo shouted up “Who are you… God?” and the voice replied, “No, the ice-rink manager!”







A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast. He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me." She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204."



Next destination


Agriculture student: "Your methods are too old fashioned. I won’t be surprised if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples."
Farmer: "I won’t be surprised either, this is an orange tree".





James had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer.
"What happened?" asked the farmer.
James replied that his parachute failed to open.
"Well," said the farmer, "if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you that nothing opens here on a Sunday."

[pronk]

Indoor tree

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

homo atomicus

[pronk]

Helpful Caddy

A golfer, who has sliced every tee shot, asked hid caddy, "Do you see any obvious reasons for my poor drives?"
"There's a piece of sh*t on the end of your driver," replies the caddy.
The golfer started to clean the clubface, but the caddy said, "No. Wrong end!"


New Fable


When the wife leaned over to pull weeds from their garden, the husband said, "Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's bigger than the barbecue."
While she complained, he grabbed a tape measure from the garage, measured the grill, then measured his wife.
"Yep! Two inches wider than the grill!"
She said nothing. (Do you believe that? No, I didn't either.)
But that night, in bed, when he felt frisky, she brushed him off.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
She answered, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little wiener!?"





Two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At the town of Llanfairpwillgwyngyllgogerychwyrndobwill iantysillogogoch, they stopped for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress: "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us?"
"Sure", replied the waitress.
"Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The waitress leaned over and very slowly said: "Burrrrr-gurrrr-Kinngg."


Fishlover

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Everybody Dance Now!

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.-prayer and medication to follow.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Woodpacker

[ItsOnly$$$]

Interesting. Thanks for sharing these

[pronk]

Scott was struggling through the airport terminal with his obviously heavy suitcase when Bill Gates asked him the time.
Scott didn't recognize him, but pushed a button on his watch. The watch said out loud, "It's five fifty."
"Hey, cool watch!" said Bill.
Scott replied, "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this..." He displayed every time zone in the world, pressed a button and the watch announced, "The time is four fifty-one" in a Texas drawl. Another few pushes and the watch gave the time in Japan -- in Japanese!
Scott explained, "It includes a region-appropriate accent for each time zone."
Gates is impressed.
"That's not all," said Scott as he pushed a few more buttons and a tiny hi-res map of New York City appeared on its display. "The flashing dot shows our location via GPS," he explained. "View: recede ten," Scott ordered and the display changed to show eastern New York state.
"I need this watch!" said Gates.
"Oh, it's not yet ready for sale; I'm still working out some bugs," said its inventor. "Besides, I haven't shown you the FM radio receiver with digital tuner, the sonar device that measures distances underwater, the pager, the fax machine, the digital camera, the MP3 player with 300GB drive, video playback, Bluetooth, WiFi and WiMax..."
"How about $10,000?" said Gates.
"Oh, no. I've already spent more than on..."
"$20,000?"
"But it's not..."
"$50,000 -- in cash!" Bill opened his briefcase, which was filled with hundred dollar bills.
Scott thought, "I've only got about $5,000 into this and with 50K I can make another one that's better. I can be ready for merchandising in a year..."
Scott made his decision, "Okay, it's yours!"
He removed the watch and handed it to Gates, who happily walked away.
"Hey, wait up!" Scott called.
Gates turned around and said, "What?"
Scott pointed to the heavy suitcase he had been wrestling through the terminal. "Don't forget your battery!"



positive identification


I'm God

Father McGee walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.

'My son,' said the holy man, 'what are you doing? Who are you?'

'I'm God,' said the stranger.

'Pardon?'

'I'm God,' he repeated. 'This is my house!'

Father McGee ran into the presbytery and, in total panic, rang the archbishop.

'Your reverence,' said he, 'I hate to trouble you, but there's a man sat on me altar who claims he's God. What'll he do?'

Take no chances,' said the archbishop. 'Get back in the church and look busy!'





Job Interview

While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:

'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'

Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.

'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'

'Why's that?' asked Pat.

'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had

'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.



Italian Air Force jet over Lybia



Sleepwalker


Who's The Boss

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship."
With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!"
She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."






Confessions

The priest was waiting on Saturday afternoon for his usual parade of people coming to confession. In comes a man so drunk, he is stumbling down the aisle, bouncing from pew to pew. Finally he finds the confessional, goes in, and shuts the door.

The priest goes in his side and waits. Nothing happens. He clears his throat so the fellow might know he is there and ready. No reaction. Finally, he starts losing his patience and bangs sharply on the wall three times.

The drunk fellow in the confessional says, "It's no use knockin'...There's no paper in here either!"






An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were reading a newspaper article about which nationalities' brains were for sale for transplant purposes. An Irishman's or a Scotsman's brain could be bought for £500 but an Englishman's brain cost £10,000. That proves,' said The Englishman, 'that Englishmen are much cleverer than Irishmen or Scotsmen.'
'No it doesn't,' said The Irishman, 'it just means that an Englishman's brain has never been used.'




Burka HD fashion

[pronk]

[cala56]

cant finish the day whitout see your jokeshahaha

[cala56]

Take a Viagra man.

[pronk]

Good one cala

[cala56]

MEN REVOLUTION HERE IN AMERICA. HAHHAA

[cala56]

[pronk]

I think i'm drunk...


Montana State Trooper
This is a real news item from a real newspaper. If this doesn't make you laugh, nothing will!
In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicles on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below.
About 3 a.m. one very cold morning, Montana State Trooper Allan Nixon responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver's door to find an elderly man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.
The driver came awake when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rear-view mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into "drive" and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20 - 30 - 40 mph and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.
Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver totally freaked, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him.
This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the trooper yelled, "PULL OVER!"
The man nodded, turned his wheel and stopped the engine.
Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour.



V.I.P. treatment


The Trainee

Tom applied for a signalman's job on the railroad and met his new boss at the signal tower.
The boss gave Tom a pop quiz.
"What would you do if you realized two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" he asked Tom.
"I'd switch one to another track," said Tom.
"What if the switch lever broke?", asked his boss.a
"I'd run down the track and use the manual lever."
"What if the manual lever had been struck by lightning?" persisted the boss.
"I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal tower," said Tom.
"What if the phone was busy?"
"I'd run down to the station and use the pay phone," replied Tom.
"What if the pay phone had been vandalized?" asked the boss.
Tom, tiring of this silly game, responded, "Well, I guess in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo."
The boss looked puzzled.
"Why on Earth would you do that?" he asked.
"Because Leo's never seen a train wreck," said Tom.



Rookie


Excuses Excuses

One night, a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big, knowing grin. Immediately realising his intentions she says,

"Not tonight darling. I have an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh and clean."

Dejected and disappointed, the man rolls over and tries to get to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and prods his wife again.

"Tell me, do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"



Early divorce


Married Life

Two married friends are out drinking
One says to the other: "I can never sneak into the house after I've been drinking. I've tried everything. I turn the headlights off before I go up the drive. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off and creep upstairs. I get undressed in the bathroom. I do everything, but then my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out late."

His friend replies: "Do what I do. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap my wife's bottom and say, "How about a blow job?" She always pretends she's asleep."




Bull and Turkey

A turkey is chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighs the turkey, "but I just haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replies the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecks at a lump of dung and finds that it actually gives him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reaches the second branch.
Finally after a week, there he is proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Unfortunately he is spotted by a farmer, who shoots him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.



Proposed new street warning


Charitabale Case

A very rich lawyer is approached by a charity worker who is concerned that the lawyer didn't donate any money to charity, despite making over £1m that year. "First of all," says the lawyer, "my mother is bedridden and gets no help from social services. Second, I have five kids through three divorce marriages. Third, my sister's husband recently died and she has no one to support her four children." "I'm terribly sorry," says the charity worker, "I feel bad about asking for your money." So you should," replies the lawyer. "If I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"



Fashionable suicide bomber

[pronk]

French kiss


Choo Choo

paddy english man irish & scots are on a train compartment together with a hot babe & an old lady. The train goes through a tunnel.........SMACK!!!!!!!! train emerges from tunnel paddy english man has been decked is on the floor holding his smacked puss. Hot babe thinks "he just felt up the old lady thinking it was me & she decked him". Old lady thinks "he just felt up that young girl & she decked him ". Paddy irish man thinks "I cant wait til the next tunnel so i can smack that english bollix again".





Wrong Place

A Belfast man was ashamed of his accent, and decided to go to elocution lessons in London.
Three years later he was speaking perfect BBC English, and he decided to return home and celebrate with a drink.
He caught the Shuttle to Belfast, got a taxi into the city and walked into the first establishment he came to.
'I say, old chap,' he said to the proprietor, 'perhaps you could furnish me with a large gin and tonic and one of your finest Havana cigars.'
'You're from around these parts, aren't you?' said the proprietor.
'Good grief,' said the stunned Belfast man. 'How did you know that?'
'Well, you see,' said the proprietor, 'this is a butcher's.'



Sarkozy



Midnight Serenaders

[pronk]

Muammar El-Gaddafi


Winter-Spring Romance

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year-old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that, after their wedding, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85-year-old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his young bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action.
Once again they enjoy each other but, as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I was here already?"
Alzheimers - it has its advantages!!



The other side


Catholic Politically Incorrect Humor
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having a beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity ... one of the girls must be dying."





Give Her Credit
A Blonde Woman Filling a CC application Form
NAME: Rebecca Nelson
D.O.B: 12/12/1982
SEX: twice a day



Good old days...


Getting a new girlfriend is like joining the army. You get a new haircut, new clothes and all information is given to you on a need to know basis.






A blonde's Brain at work A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.

She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.
In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."



Buttbook


Blind Faith

A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.
He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, 'Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.'
Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast.
'Tell me, son,' he asks, 'what happened last night?'
'Well, says the boy, 'you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.'
'Christ!' says the man. 'Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?'
'When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, 'Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I'm married!''



Old fart

[pronk]

A man's been drinking at a pub all night.
When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face.
He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face.
Finally he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up.
This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed.
The next morning he awakens to see his wife standing over him, shouting: "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."



Eminem


Best Bar in The World

The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink."

Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"



Freedom of speech


School

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
"I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."



Cheers


Russian Roulette

An Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman were playing Russian roulette.

Paddy Englishman used a gun with six chambers and no bullets;

Paddy Scotsman used a gun with six chambers and one bullet;

Paddy Irishman used a gun with six chambers and six bullets - but he put The gun to Paddy Englishman's head.



Different worlds



Eternal love...

[pronk]

This is the True Love Story that has shocked the millions of people around the world. People cried after seeing these pictures in America and Europe and even in Asia. It is said that photographer sold these pictures for a nominal fee to most famous newspaper in France. All copies of that the newspaper was sold the first day these pictures were published.

And many people think that animals/birds do not have a brain or feelings ?????


Here his wife is injured and the condition is fatal. She was hit by a car as she swooped down the road.


This brought food and attended to her with love and compassion.


He brought her food again, but was surprised to find her dead. He tried to move her …. an effort rarely seen, the swallows!


Aware that his beloved fellow has died and he will never see her again, Cries with adoring love.


He stood beside her, sad for her death.


Finally, aware that he would never make her come back, standing next to her body with sadness and pain.

[pronk]

Tough luck


Two eskimos, a big one and a little one, go to their local Alaskan convent with a question. The big one nudges the little one and says, “Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door.” The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big eskimo nudges the little one and says, “Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question.” The little eskimo timidly says, “May we speak with the midget nun that lives here please?” The Mother Superior answers, “There are no midget nuns living here.” The big eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, “Go ahead, ask her the other question, ask her the other question.” The little eskimo asks in a quavering voice, “Well. Are there any midget nuns in Alaska?” The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, “Why no, I don’t believe so.” With this the big eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his belly as he laughs uncontrollably. “See”, he says to the little eskimo, “I told you you screwed a penguin!”






A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captainspeaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said :
"Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing.
He should see the back of mine!"






A pilot landed a plane with a rather bumpy landing.

As part of his job he was required to stand by the terminal door and say goodbye to the passengers as they exited the airplane.

He was afraid that someone might say something about his rather less than perfect landing, but everyone left without saying a word except for one passenger, an elderly lady, she slowly approached the pilot after most passengers had exited the plane and asked:

"Did we land? Or were we shot down?"



Lybyan kid


"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."



How times have changed...


Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo .
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

[pronk]

The ladder



UN troops

A Refined Gentleman

An English gentleman traveled to New York City one rainy summer for the funeral of an old girlfriend. Having packed in a hurry, he forgot to bring his galoshes. Not wanting to ruin his shoes in the mud that was sure to be at his departed friend's burial ceremony, he went to a shoe store.
"Pardon me." he asked the clerk, "Do you have any black rubbers?"
The confused clerk said he did not, but directed the man to the drugstore across the street. The Englishman asked the pharmacist, "Pardon me, but do you have any black rubbers?"
The pharmacist replied, "I don't know but I'll take a look."
From the back room, he called out, "I have green, red, purple, blue and rainbow, but no black." Returning to the counter he asked the Englishman, "Why do you want black rubbers, anyway?" The Englishman replied, "My old girlfriend just died."
The surprised pharmacist said, "Oh, you English are so refined!"




New daddy


Why A Gun Is Better Than A Girlfriend


You can trade in your old 44 for a new 22.

You can have one gun at home and another when you're on the road.

If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he'll probably let you try it out.

One gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a back-up.

Your gun stays with you even when you run out of ammo.

Guns don't take up much closet space.

Guns function normally every day of the month.

Your gun will never ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

A gun doesn't mind when you go to sleep after using it.

And ... you can buy a silencer for a gun!





A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."




Force


A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off " go ahead,

I'll hold your monkey."

[cala56]

[pronk]

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"





Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."



Global warming


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."



Moving in Greenland


Irish Joke No. 166

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus a burial at sea.
When he died, they kept their promise. They stitched up Uncle Seamus in a burial bag and loaded him onto their rowboat.
After a while, Mick asked, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"
Paddy slipped over the side, only to find himself in water to his knees.
"Dis'll never do, Mick. Row some more."
Later, Paddy tried again, but this time the water was only up to his belly.
Finally, Paddy went over the side and disappeared for a long time.
Mick was getting worried when suddenly Paddy broke the surface, gasping and snorting.
"Well, Paddy? Is it deep enuff here?"
"Aye, it is, Mick. Hand me da shovel."




Aussie Biker Humor

A biker was visiting the zoo when he noticed a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabbed her and tried to pull her inside.
As the child's parents stood screaming, the biker leaped to the cage, and, with a powerful punch, hit the lion right on the nose.
The lion released the child as he jumped back in pain and the biker handed her back to her terrified parents, who thanked him endlessly. A reporter happened to see the incident, and said to the biker, "Sir, that was the bravest thing I've ever seen!"
"Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. The child was in danger and I acted without thinking."
"Regardless, check tomorrow's papers! You'll be on the front page!"
The next morning, sure enough, right there on the front page was the biker's story, under the headline: "Biker Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch."



Baby bjorn


On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."



Grandmother


"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered
private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army,
you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and
spit on my grave."

"Not me, Serge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of
the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

[pronk]

Hope


Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Igor said: "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"





A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," said the Doctor. "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"






Q: Why are hurricanes named after women?
A: Because when they come, they're
wild and wet, and when they go they take your house and car with them.



The eye of the hurricane


A Stuck Army JeepDuring an Army war game a commanding officer?s jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck."Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn?t contribute in any way."The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."



Quo Vadis


A US Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present employer been in business??" He thought for a moment, and then wrote, "Since 1776."



Santa Fe

[newguy]

I need a printer - these are perfect for a long flight of laughs!!!!

[pronk]

Birds


My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station. When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my father`s hand.
"Don`t congratulate me, sir," my father said modestly as he pointed to his driver. "It was all the sergeant`s doing." The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant. "Congratulations," he said. "The major`s wife just had a baby girl."



Charlie Sheen


You know you are in Texas when...

a.The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
b.The trees are whistling for the dogs.
c.The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.





d.Hot water now comes out of both taps.
e.You can make sun tea instantly.
f.You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.





g.The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
h.You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.





i.You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
j.You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
k.You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
l.Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"





m.You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
n.The potatoes cook underground, so all you have todo is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
o.Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
p.The cows are giving evaporated milk.



Chuck Norris Texas Ranger


A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don`t you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?



Lucky cowboy


A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week`s stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I`ll get it for you.""Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine." With that the physician left.The doctor didn`t hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire."Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn`t have swimming pools, and I didn`t think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they`re all ready for you now!"

[pronk]

Nature rules


The Drummer

A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers, decided to learn a "real" instrument.
He went into a music store, pointed and told the music store clerk, "Gimme that red trumpet over there and that accordion."
The clerk asked, "Are you a drummer?"
The drummer looked surprised. "Yeah."
The clerk said, "You can have the fire extinguisher, but we've got to keep the radiator!"



Stick up


Playboy For The Married Man

Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for married men.
Every month, the centerfold is the same woman!



Romance


One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.Approaching the car, he notices that there are five little old Indian ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don`t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?""Ma`am," the officer replies, "you weren`t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.""Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old Indian woman says a bit proudly.The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error."But before I let you go, Ma`am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven`t muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern."Oh, they`ll be all right, officer. We just got off Route 119."



Prisoner


Optimism
A man was asked to play in a golf tournament but he demurred.
Then they told him, "Come on. It's for handicapped and blind kids."
He thought, "Hey! I could win this thing!"



Inca


Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressed, it doesn`t matter which number you press. No one will answer. If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.





A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can`t stop thinking about sex." The Psychologist says, "Well let`s see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks. The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That`s a man and a woman on a bed making love." The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?" The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That`s a man and a woman on a bed making love." The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?" The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That`s a man and a woman on a bed making love." The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex." "Me!?" demands the patient. "You`re the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"



Warewolf


Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me." "That`s great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn`t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that`s it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"





Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I`m crazy because I like sausages. Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too. Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I`ve got hundreds of them.



Pop art shark


When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I`m not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."



LeQuit


Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night`s sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different. A few weeks later, Joe`s former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It`s amazing! I`m cured!" "That`s great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?" "I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!" "One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously. "Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist." "A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?" "Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."



Electric chair

[pronk]

Fly fishing Texas style


Corporate Lesson No. 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral To Corporate Lesson No. 1: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.





A brunette is trying to get across a river and suddenly she spots a blonde on the other side. She yells over to the blonde "Hey, excuse me! How do I get over to the other side?" And after a quick survey of the river, the blonde calls back "You ARE on the other side!"





A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to start farming. He goes to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well. "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"





A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor.
After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."
"Can't", replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."



Psycho chicken


According to the Chicago Tribune, the following statistic was given in the press notes for the June 7 Chicago-Oakland game: The Oakland Athletics are 32-0 in games in which they have scored more runs than their opponents.



Architectural types


A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" And the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem ...he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all brokeout into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing and cat calling. Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world happened? " The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine till a vendor passed by and yelled PEANUTS!"



Cole Hamels


A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn`t have to run, he`s got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"



I laugh in the face of Death


A Spaniard name Jose came to Miami and wanted to attend a big league game. To his dismay he found that all the seats were sold out. However, the management gave him a high seat by the flagpole. When he returned to his home country his friends asked him, "What kind of people are those Americans?" He said, "Fine people, they gave me a special seat at the ball game and just before the game started that all stood up and sang `Jose can you see.`"






Is There Baseball In Heaven? Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90`s, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they`re reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man`s friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there`s baseball in heaven." The dying man said, "We`ve been friends for years, this I`ll do for you." And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend`s voice. The voice says, "I`ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there`s baseball in heaven." "What`s the bad news?" "You`re pitching on Wednesday."

[pronk]

Duck stairs



Lady Ga-ga



















Wikileaks



Corner

[pronk]

Chopin


Mechanical Problem

A woman told her mechanic, "Sometimes, when I have friends in my car, a terrible smell occurs -- but it never happens when I'm alone."
The intrigued mechanic suggested he take a ride with her.
Off they went, through a red light, 60 m.p.h. through a school zone, the wrong way down a one-way street, swerving, hitting curbs, narrowly missing pedestrians, and blowing past a policeman so close he nearly flipped his motorcycle.
Finally, she said: "There it is! That's the smell I was tell you about. Do you smell it?"
The shaking mechanic stammered, "Smell it? Lady, I'm sitting in it!"



Voyage


Three Old Ladies

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flahser approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't quite reach that far.



Picnic


Senior Sex
An 81-year-old man at the retirement home finally worked up courage to ask an 80-year-old woman out on a date. They watched "The Sound of Music" on tape in the home's rec room, and had a delightful dinner in the home's cafeteria. After dinner, he asked if they could sip some Metamucil in her room and, after a while, they slipped into her bed for a romp.
After their lovemaking, he laid back in the bed and thought, "If only I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more gentle."
She laid back and thought, "If only I had thought he was up to it, I would have taken off my pantyhose."



Internet


Top Ten Reasons For Being Canadian
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.

8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge frigging shotguns and cover your house in their skins.

7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.

5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?

4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.

2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

1. It beats being an American.



3D snail


An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.
The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."

The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."
The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."

The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."



Fall has arrived


Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ``How do you really feel? I mean, you`re 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?````Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I`ve got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed myself.``



Pitstop


The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?" "None," answered little Norman. "None? Norman, you don`t know your arithmetic." "Teacher, you don`t know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"





"Isn`t the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl. "Well, do you know who I am?" asked the girl. "No." replied the boy. "I`m the principal`s daughter." said the girl. "And do you know who I am?" asked the boy. "No," she replied. "Thank goodness!" said the boy with a sign of relief.



Velando Las Armas


A man was staying in a big old house and in the middle of the night he met a ghost. The ghost said, "I have been walking these corridors for 300 years." The man said, "in that case, can you tell me the way to the toilet?"



Quo Vadis


A man arrived at the gates of Heaven.St. Peter asked, "Religion?"The man said, "Methodist."St. Peter looked down his list and said," Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."Another man arrived at the gates of Heaven."Religion?""Catholic.""Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."A third man arrived at the gates."Religion?""Jewish.""Go to Room 11 but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."The man said, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass Room 8?"St. Peter told him, "Well, the Baptists are in Room 8, and they think they`re the only ones here."



From the deep


A certain English lady visited Switzerland and was having difficulty finding a room, so she asked the local schoolmaster to help her. After a satisfactory room had been found, she returned to her home and did some packing.Suddenly, it occured to her that she hadn`t noticed a W.C. (in England, the toilet is called a Water Closet), so she wrote the schoolmaster about the W.C.The Schoolmaster, not knowing the meaning, asked the parish priest and together they decided that it must mean "Wayside Chapel." He wrote her the following letter:
"Dear Madame,
It is my pleasure to inform you that there is a W.C. just 9 miles from your home, in the center of a grove of pine trees. It seats 229 people, and it is open on Thursdays and Sundays. This is an unfortunate situation if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will, nodoubt, be glad to hear that some people bring their lunches and make a day of it.I would especially recommend Thursdays, for then there is an Organ accompaniment. The accoustics in the W.C. are excellent; even the most delicate sound can be heard.My son was married in the W.C. and there was such a rush for seats that 10 people had to sit in the same seat. The looks on their faces were very interesting.My wife is sickly but dedicated. She doesn`t go regularly, and she hasn`t gone for nearly a year.I will be glad to reserve a seat in the W.C. for you, where you will be seen and heard by everyone.Hoping I have been of some assistance.
Sincerely yours,
The Schoolmaster



Consumerism


In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency and a concatenated consistency.Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement and asinine affectations.Let your extemporaneous descants and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy and vain vapid verbosity.
If you are really interested to know, the above means: "Be brief and don`t use big words."






A missionary recruit goes to Venezuela for the first time, struggling with the language. He visits one of the local churches and sits in the front row.So as not to make a fool of himself, he decides to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He decides to follow the man sitting next to him in the front pew. As they sing, the man claps his hands, so the missionary recruit claps, too. When the man stands up to pray, the missionary recruit stands up, too. When the man sits down, the missionary sits down.Later in the service, the man next to him stands up again, so the missionary stands up, too.Suddenly a hush falls over the entire congregation. A few people gasp. The missionary looks around and sees that no one else is standing. So he sits down.After the service ends, the missionary recruit greets the preacher. "I take it you don`t speak Spanish," the preacher says.The missionary replies, "No, I don`t. It`s that obvious?""Well yes," the preacher says. "I announced that the Acosta family had a new-born baby boy, and I asked the proud father to please stand up."



Cool

[pronk]

[pronk]

Yawning


A man, sitting at home with his wife, said, completely out of the blue, "I love you."
She asked, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replied, "It's me, talking to the beer!"



Guido Westerwelle


Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father.."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many."
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"
The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."



Catholic confession


The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?" The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I`m sorry, but I don`t think I`m supposed to do that." But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up. "Oh, all right, I can`t really say no to the Pope." So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief. Cop: Chief, I have a problem. Chief: What sort of problem? Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it`s someone really important. Chief: Important like the mayor? Cop: No, no, much more important than that. Chief: Important like the governor? Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that. Chief: Like the president? Cop: More. Chief: Who`s more important than the president? Cop: I don`t know, but he`s got the Pope driving for him!





A Jewish couple has a son who is a holy terror. When he gets to be of age, he`s kicked out of every school they put him in. Finally desperate, the father goes to the Rabbi for advice and the Rabbi says put him in the Catholic school. Shocked, the father asks if the Rabbi sure. "Yes" is the reply, so the father takes him to the nuns and leaves. An hour goes by, then two hours, lunch time and finally at three the son comes in says "Good afternoon Papa, good afternoon Mama," goes to the table and starts on his homework. The father is amazed and finally ask why he stayed in school all day and why he is behaving so well. His son looks up and says "Papa when you left, the Mother Superior told me that they did not allow rowdy boys, then she took me to my room. Papa they mean business! They`ve got a Jew nailed on a Cross in every room!"





Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What`s your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That`s a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus."



Wikileaks


The beggars.
Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, "Don`t you realize that this is a Christian country? You`ll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."
The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, "Hymie, look who`s trying to teach us Marketing."



Homeless meets shopper


Gourmet food.
Harry was walking down Regent Street and stepped into a posh gourmet food shop.
An impressive salesperson in a smart morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied Harry, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."
"OK, a pound of smoked salmon, then."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"No. No. You mean pate."
"Okay," said Harry, "A pound of pate then and I`d like you to deliver all of this to my house on Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "we don`t schlep on Shabbos!"





The Inland Revenue.
Rabbi Rabinovitz answers his phone.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Rabbi Rabinovitz?"
"It is."
"This is the Inland Revenue. Can you help us?"
"I`ll try."
"Do you know Sam Cohen?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate £10,000 to the synagogue rebuilding fund last year?"
"He will!"



Dodge City


A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the state lottery!"

Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"




Concorde


The programmer persisted and stated that the game was both very easy and a lot of fun. He explained "I ask you a question - if you don't know the answer, you pay me five bucks. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay five bucks to you." Again, the Engineer politely declined and closed his eyes. The programmer, somewhat agitated, said, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me five bucks, but if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you fifty bucks!" This caught the engineer's attention, and - seeing no end to his torment unless he played the game - agreed to play. The programmer asked the first question: "What's the distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The engineer wordlessly reached into his wallet, pulled out a five dollar bill and handed it to the programmer. Now it was the engineer's turn. He asked the programmer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The programmer looked puzzled, then took out his laptop computer and searched through all his reference material. He tapped into the AirPhonex with his modem and searched through the Internet and the Library of Congress, all to no avail. Then he sent urgent E-mail inquiries to all of his brightest colleagues, but could find no help anywhere. After an hour or so he woke the engineer and forked over $50. The engineer accepted the money politely and closed his eyes again.

The programmer, more than slightly frustrated, shook the engineer's shoulder and demanded, "So, what's the answer?". The engineer just smiled, reached again into his wallet, handed the programmer a five dollar bill, and went right back to sleep.



Marilyn Monroe

[pronk]

[pronk]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly?

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."



The blue balloon


A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura
Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good
explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked
him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."





Life's journey

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key.



You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm going be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21 YESSSS !!!


But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we hadto throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.



Don't go...

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . and your dreams are gone.




But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.



You've built up so much speed that you
HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.


Old plane


And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!



Aged Pinocchio



The Good, The Bad and The Ugly



Blues

[pronk]

Three women were showering in the athletic club when a man ran through wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
The first woman checked him out and said, "He's not MY husband!"
The second woman looked him over and said, "He's not MY husband, either!"
He passed the third woman, who agreed, then said, "Hey, wait a minute. He's not even a member of this club!"





Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton, England.
At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on December 12th, 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9:52 p.m. and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hours 37 minutes later.



Freedom


Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's have a new baby..
The
nurse brings to them a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely
Caucasian,
white baby boy!
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you
name
the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two
Wong's
don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."



Car


A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile.... somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and they glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Date: Thursday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have Arrived!
Dear.... I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!






Jimmy Page

[pronk]

TO ALL THE KIDS

WHO SURVIVED the


1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!



First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they
carried us.





They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.


Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored
lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took
hitchhiking.




As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.


Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.


We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE

actually died from this.


Charlie Parker


We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but

we weren't overweight because

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
when the streetlights came on.




No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.


We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down

the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the
bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.




We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell
phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!




We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,
made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.



We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang
the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.



Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They
actually sided with the law!




This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers
and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.




We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!




And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as
kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

[pronk]

Dictator and tolerance


Prince William's Bachelor Party

Won't it be weird at Prince William's bachelor party.
Stuffing money into a stripper's G-string and every bill with a picture of his grandmother!



Striptease


Politically Incorrect Aussie Humor

I went down to Centrelink (the pensions and benefits office) this morning to sign up my Dog.
The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit".
I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is.
She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
He gets his first cheque on Friday.
Damn! Australia is a great country!





Top 10 E-Mail Blunders

1. Do You Know Claire Swire?
When Claire Swire sent a naughty note to her solicitor (lawyer) boyfriend Bradley Chait remembering a recent romp, he proudly shared the email with some friends, who shared it with their friends under the subject line "Do You Know Claire Swire?". Millions ended up reading the gory details.


Rose


2. Ham Strung
An exchange between legal secretaries over a missing ham sandwich leads to both women getting the sack.




3. A Very Bad Day
When the World Trade Center fell on September 11, 2001, U.S. Transport Secretary Stephen Byers' special adviser Jo Moore emailed colleagues saying it was a good day to bury bad news. She had to apologize after the email became public.


Freedom

4. Hot List
Three male employees of PricewaterhouseCoopers in Ireland were suspended for circulating an email which rated 13 new female employees on their looks.





5. Human Relations
When personnel officer John Crook recommended one of his colleagues for a pay raise and was asked by his manager why he felt his colleague deserved it he gave his reasons and jokingly added: "She was a grrrrrrrrreat shag as well!" He lost both his job and a claim for unfair dismissal.


Silvio Berlusconi
6. Chat-up Cheese
Joseph Dobbie met a woman at a party, later acquired her email address and sent her a message describing her smile as "the freshest of my special memories". He went on to say he was sure she would "be able to see sincerity where others would see cliche". Instead, she forwarded the message to her sister and millions ended up reading it. The sender had included his phone number and was bombarded with mocking calls.


Angry eskimo


7. Web Browser
Former British Treasury press officer Robbie Browse sent an email to friends making fun of Chinese people's eyes. But he accidentally copied it to his press list, containing 83 leading national newspaper journalists. One them immediately replied asking: "Will we all be invited to your leaving party?" Browse faced disciplinary action.


Yao


8. Insult the Aged
When principal Patrick Hazlewood and his school's treasurer Barry Worth jointly received an emailed complaint from local pensioner Mary Kelly about some misbehaviour by their pupils, Mr Hazelwood responded: "Tell her to get stuffed", thinking his response was only going to his colleague. But he hit 'Reply All' so his message also went to Mrs. Kelly.




9. Penta-gone
Devon schoolgirl Claire McDonald found herself receiving emails containing top secret information from the Pentagon after being accidentally added to a round robin list by a navy commander. One of them was offering advice to the U.K. on how to prevent secrets from being leaked.




10. Email Boob
A Ray White property consultant sent an email with the subject "Show me your " to a columnist at the Courier-Mail. His explanation was that he his office had changed their email program and he was sending a test message to his partner, the contents of which are a long-standing joke between the couple.



Johann Sebastian Bach