[ttwarrior1]

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs." The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I''m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

[Da Manster!]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle
and came upon a restaurant operated by a
fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and
looked over the menu....

+Tourist: $5.00

+ BRoiled Missionary: $10.00

+Fried Explorer: $15.00

+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00


The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of sh*t, it takes all morning."

[Dutch]

Wrong hole? Whadda ya mean, wrong hole?

[Da Manster!]

A small Southwestern Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed,redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.

Ed was approached with a proposition; would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $100.

Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First", he said. "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Ed. "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the hundred bucks."

[ttwarrior1]

What did the sock say to the foot?

Your puttin me on!!!

[daneblazer]

Doug Fister? He barely knew her!

[Da Manster!]

A mafia Godfather finds out that his accountant has screwed him for ten million bucks. This accountant happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the accountant: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The accountant signs back: "I don't know
what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the accountant's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The accountant signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Vinnie's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[Da Manster!]

The Best and Funniest Genie Story Ever!


A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. She promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So, the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door, they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the floor, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A large man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

"Uh...yes, Sir. We're very sorry about that," The husband replied.

"Oh, No apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a Genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but, if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" The husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it; it's the least I can do. And, I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! Now you, young lady, what do you want?" The genie asked the wife.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home, complete with servants, in every country In the world," she said.

"Consider it done, "the genie said." And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, Genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife!"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, Honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So, the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, he rolled over, looked directly into her eyes, and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded, breathlessly.

"No kidding," he said. "Thirty-five-years-old, and both of you still believe in genies?"

[Robber]

Tt the biggest joke there is

[daimoshokage]

Funny thread.. Where are the other jokes? Stop being layz TT, this should be daily..

[Da Manster!]

"Not The Sharpest Knives In The Drawer"


Three Hillbillies Billy Bob, Joe Bob and James Earl are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. .'

2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says: 'Why is that stupid ?'

1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of Them new fangled warshin' machines!'

1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly James Earl says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
Wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
Some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies Billy Bob and Joe Bob both say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly James Earl says: She ain't got no pecker.

[Da Manster!]

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?
Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government official,... "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The Chief nodded in agreement...The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"....The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied... "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Clean Water; Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; All night having sex.".....Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that!"

[Sacrelicious]

Ok I'm officially starting my own joke thread.

[Sacrelicious]

[Jayvegas420]

When my wife & I were about to save sex last night I was sitting on the edge of the bed putting a condom on when my daughter came in the room. I quickly turned away from her and covered up by placing myself nearly 1/2 way under the bed.
My daughter asked, "Dad, what are you doing?"
"Oh" I replied, "It's nothing dear, I just thought I saw a mouse run under the bed & I"m trying to catch it."
"And then what are you gonna do Dad?" she added.
"Phuck it?"

[ttwarrior1]

Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards.

1. Look at the size of his putter
2. Oh shit my shafts all bent
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
6. Lift your head and spread your legs
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired
8. Just turn your back and drop it
9. Hold up.. I've got to wash my balls
10. Damn, I missed the hole again

[Da Manster!]

When my wife & I were about to save sex last night I was sitting on the edge of the bed putting a condom on when my daughter came in the room. I quickly turned away from her and covered up by placing myself nearly 1/2 way under the bed.
My daughter asked, "Dad, what are you doing?"
"Oh" I replied, "It's nothing dear, I just thought I saw a mouse run under the bed & I"m trying to catch it."
"And then what are you gonna do Dad?" she added.
"Phuck it?"

[Da Manster!]

Three gay guys are sitting at a bar drinking some beers and they are in a very somber mood..It just so happens that each of their lovers had recently died and each of them had the lover's body cremated...Well, the first gay guy speaks up and says "You know what?..My partner really loved the beach a lot!...so, tommorrow I think I will go down to the ocean and sprinkle his ashes there so he can enjoy it one last time!"...The other two console him as he is weeping...Well, a minute goes by, and then the 2nd gay guy speaks up and says "You know what?...My partner really loved the mountains a lot!..So tommorrow I think I'll make a trip to the Rockies and sprinkle his ashes there so he can enjoy it one last time!"...the other two console him as he also breaks down and starts to cry...Well another minute goes by, finally the last gay guy speaks up and says "You know what?..I think I'm going to put my lovers ashes in my chili tonight!"...The other two gave him a blank stare and both in unison replied "HUH?!!...WHY?!!"...The third gay guy breaks down and starts to cry and says "So he can tear my ass up one last time!"

[Da Manster!]

A few quickies:

#1) Sister Mary and Sister Margaret are grabbed behind the church by two guys who start to grope, strip, fondle them...This leads to fingering and f*cking in all their orficies..."Father, forgive them!" cries sister Mary.."for they know not what they do!!"..."Shut up!" shouts Sister Margaret.."Maybe yours doesn't, but mine sure as hell does!"


#2) A hitchhiker gets picked up by a semi truck driver. the hitchhiker says "Man, what a setup you got in here!"...A four foot TV, Power windows, AC, Sunroof, etc!"...what else do you have?!"...the driver responds "watch this!"...He pointed to the back of the cab and there was a monkey in there just going about his business..Then he reaches under the seat and pulls out a baseball bat and hit the monkey as hard as he could on the head...The monkey immediately jumped up front and gave the driver a blowjob!!..."WOW!!, that's great!" the hitchhiker said..."Would you like to try it?" asked the driver..."Yes!" replied the hitchhiker..."Just don't hit me in the head as hard as you hit that monkey."


#3) A white police officer pulls over three black guys in a speeding car...He walks up to the car on the drivers side and tells the driver to roll down the window...As soon as the window is rolled down the officer balls up his fist and punches the black guy in the face!!..."Man, what you do that for?!!" asked the driver..."because you didn't have your license ready!"said the cop...The cop then walks over to the passenger side and tells him to roll down the window...No sooner is the window rolled down, the cop balls up his fist again and punches the black guy on the passenger side in the face as hard as he could..."Man, what did you do that for"?!!..asked the passenger...."because you didn't have the registration ready!" said the cop...finally, he goes to the back door and tells the gentleman in there to roll down the window...Once again, as soon as the window is rolled down, the officer makes a fist and BAM! punches him in the face also as hard as he could...The black guy in the backseat goes "Man, why did you do that?!!"...And the officer replies.."That is so when you guys are driving down the road, you don't say "I WISH THAT MUTHA F*CKA WOULD OF HIT ME!"

[Da Manster!]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:



To: My Loving Wife

Date: Tuesday March 16, 2010

Subject: I have Arrived!



To My Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS.....Sure is hot down here!

[Jayvegas420]

TT is so fat he sweats when he blinks!

[ttwarrior1]

jayvegas your mom is so poor she had to turn away from a coke machine because it didn't accept food stamps

[Da Manster!]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel uneasy; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so much better and it would make me very happy."

She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries..

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."