[Tchocky]

What's the best part of a blowjob?

[samdapatriotsfan]

When you finish with a one gun salute to the eye!

[Da Manster!]

A small Southwestern Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.


While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed,redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.


Ed was approached with a proposition; would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $100.


Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.


"First", he said. "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Ed. "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the hundred bucks."

[Al Masters]

Why wouldn't J.F.K of been a good boxer?





























He couldn't take a shot to the head.

[Da Manster!]

A black man and a white man are having an open dialogue on race relations...the conversation gets pretty heated and then the black man says:




"When I am born, I am black"
"When I grow up, I am black"
"When I am sick, I am black"
"When I am in the sun, I am black"
"When I am cold, I am black"
"When I die, I am black"


you on the other hand....


"When you are born, you are pink"
"When you grow up, you are white"
"When you are sick, you turn green"
"When you go out in the sun, you get red"
"When you are cold, you turn blue"
"When you die, you get purple"


" AND YOU HAVE THE F*CKIN' NERVE TO CALL ME COLORED!"

[Da Manster!]

A Chinese man and a Jew are at a bar drinking beers and conversing...All of the sudden, the Jew balls up his fist and BAM!...slugs the Chinese guy right in the face!...the Chinese guy gets up and rubs his face, and then turns around and says to the Jew.."What in the hell was that for?!"...the Jew replies..."that was for Pearl Harbor!"...the Chinese man says.."NO, NO,...that's Japanese, me Chinese!"...the Jew replies..."AW, Hell!...Chinese, Japanese!!..what's the damn difference!!"....so things settle down and they continue to drink some more and then out of the blue, the Chinese guys balls up his fist and punches the Jew right in the face...the Jew comes to, dazed and confused, and then turns around and tells the Chinese man..."What in the hell was that for?!"....The Chinese guy replies.."That was for the sinking of the titanic!"...The Jew says.."HUH!!??...That was an iceberg!"...The Chinese guy says..."AW, Hell!...Iceberg, Rosenberg!...what's the damn difference!!"

[Da Manster!]

Fable of the porcupine:


It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.


The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

The moral of the story is:

Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!

[TiredPro]

Two women were sitting on a couch quietly minding their own business..............

[Da Manster!]

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad," replied Bob the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never," said Bob. "Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a couple of hard smacks on the back of his head, opened his eyes and heard..."BOB, wake up! You sh*t the bed!"

[manny24]

http://www.sportsbookreview.com/forum/players-ta...readsheet.html

[Smoke]

Wanna hear a joke?

The cleveland browns

[Da Manster!]

A mafia Godfather finds out that his accountant has screwed him for ten million bucks. This accountant happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.


The Godfather asks the accountant: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The accountant signs back: "I don't know
what you are talking about."


The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the accountant's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"


The accountant signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Vinnie's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[cheeese]

At the 2013 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

[Da Manster!]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under
your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister,
have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and
said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq.'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a
great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

[Da Manster!]

Three Hillbillies Billy Bob, Joe Bob and James Earl are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.


1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. .'


2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says: 'Why is that stupid ?'


1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'


2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of Them new fangled warshin' machines!'


1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says: 'Why is that so stupid?'


2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'


3rd Hillbilly James Earl says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
Wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
Some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'


1st and 2nd Hillbillies Billy Bob and Joe Bob both say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'


3rd Hillbilly James Earl says: She ain't got no pecker.

[Da Manster!]

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?

Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"


The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Clean Water; Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; All night having sex."


Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve a system like that.

[Da Manster!]

A white police officer pulls over three black guys in a speeding car...He walks up to the car on the drivers side and tells the driver to roll down the window...As soon as the window is rolled down the officer balls up his fist and punches the black guy in the face!!..."Man, what you do that for?!!" asked the driver..."because you didn't have your license ready!"said the cop...The cop then walks over to the passenger side and tells him to roll down the window.

No sooner is the window rolled down, the cop balls up his fist again and punches the black guy on the passenger side in the face as hard as he could..."Man, what did you do that for"?!!..asked the passenger...."because you didn't have the registration ready!" said the cop...finally, he goes to the back door and tells the gentleman in there to roll down the window.

Once again, as soon as the window is rolled down, the officer makes a fist and BAM! punches him in the face also as hard as he could...The black guy in the backseat goes "Man, why did you do that?!!"...And the officer replies.."That is so when you guys are driving down the road, you don't say "I WISH THAT MUTHA F*CKA WOULD OF HIT ME!"

[Da Manster!]

A hitchhiker gets picked up by a semi truck driver. the hitchhiker says "Man, what a setup you got in here!"...A four foot TV, Power windows, AC, Sunroof, etc!"...what else do you have?!"...the driver responds "watch this!"...He pointed to the back of the cab and there was a monkey in there just going about his business..Then he reaches under the seat and pulls out a baseball bat and hit the monkey as hard as he could on the head...The monkey immediately jumped up front and gave the driver a blowjob!!..."WOW!!, that's great!" the hitchhiker said..."Would you like to try it?" asked the driver..."Yes!" replied the hitchhiker..."Just don't hit me in the head as hard as you hit that monkey."

[pulledclear]

Whats the difference between a black chick and a bowling ball?























You could eat a bowling ball if you had to.

[tony_come]

Wanna hear a joke?

The cleveland browns

Not funny smokiest

[Da Manster!]

A husband and wife are seeking professional help for their marital woes and problems...They are both seated on a couch, and the psychologist pulls up a chair and starts off by asking them "Well, first things first"...He then turns and looks directly at the husband and then asks.."What are the things that you and your wife have in common?"..."Well"...answers the husband..."Neither of us sucks dick!"

[Da Manster!]

....

[cash$bro91]

Why do women have faces?



















So men know which pussy is theirs.

[Da Manster!]

Why Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs….some "fabulous" quotes and answers from the past...


1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
“I want all them kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."



2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
“I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”



3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the Skins say:
“I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,”;
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: “To win, I'd run over Joe’s Mom, too.”



4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
“He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings…”



5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”



6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
“I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.”
(Now, that is beautiful!)



7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
“You guys line up alphabetically by height…” And, “You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.”



8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
“Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .”



9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
“That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”



10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
“He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is.”



11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
“My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
(I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)



12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
“I asked him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’;
He said, ‘Coach, I don't know and I don't care’”



13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D:
“Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject.”



14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
“I can go to my left or right… I am amphibious.”



15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips.
Phillips responded: “Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye.

[onemoregoal]

[onemoregoal]

best use of an arrow in history.

[Da Manster!]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email.


Meanwhile....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:





To: My Loving Wife


Date: Tuesday March 16, 2014


Subject: I have Arrived!





To My Dearest Love:


I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.


PS.....Sure is hot down here!

[Da Manster!]

An atheist was walking through the woods.


'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.


As he was walking alongside the river,he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.


He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.


He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him..


He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.


He tripped & fell on the ground.


He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.




At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'


Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.


As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.


'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?


Am I to count you as a believer?


The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?


'Very well,' said the voice.


The light went out.. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:


'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord,


Amen.'

[Da Manster!]

CHINESE SICK LEAVE


Hung Chow calls into work and says, ''Hey, I no come work


today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no


come work.''


The boss says, ''You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you


today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to


give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.... You try


that!''


Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. ''I do what you say and I feel great!


I be at work soon. You got nice house.''

[Da Manster!]

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

[Da Manster!]

A group of 40-year old buddies discuss and re-discuss where they should meet for dinner . . . ?


Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses have low cut blouses and nice breasts.


Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should go to the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.


Ten years later at age 60, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet . . . and, finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.


A decade after, at 70 years of age, the group meets and once again they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.


Another ten years go by and at 80 years of age, the group meets again and, after a long discussion, they decide to meet for dinner at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea since they have never been there before.

[Da Manster!]

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?


Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:


If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z


Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.


Then:


H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%




And




K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%


But ,


A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%


And,


B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%


AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.


A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%


So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.