Originally Posted by
Cuse0323
I’m not gonna lie, I got high tonight and am working on a few beers.
I guess I’ll tell y’all what my message was gonna be. Really not looking for attention, but I was gonna kill myself. I have no one else to tell this, without getting hospitalized. Getting high may have saved me. My plan was to get drunk, then shoot up all the fentanyl I had. It would have been enough. My best friend died from just two of these bags earlier this year, and I had four with no tolerance. Though he did some ketamine too. The 16 beers would have been enough to boost my chances. Absolutely painless death.
I really don’t want to die. I love life. The problem is that I can’t do what I truly enjoy, and it doesn’t look like I ever will be able to. My joys in life are gambling, drugs, and alcohol. I don’t have the money to do any of that as much as I’d like to. I just want to live in Vegas, and get high and drunk everyday. No interest in anything else, and my mental health makes it difficult for me to get a job. I’m a 30 year old baby.
I’m lonely and need a girl. Rehab taught me how much I desire a woman in my life. I fell for this girl, but she wasn’t having it. Another gorgeous girl came in after the first left and I fell for her too. Doubt I had a chance with her either. I get attached to females easily. I’m a sappy, hopeless romantic. Think I need someone else to make me happy, but in reality I need to find happiness within myself first before I can be happy with someone else. You really do have to love yourself, or at least like yourself before being able to be loved.
After getting high, I just felt so happy and have no desire to off myself now. Who knows if that changes tomorrow when I wake up. I hope I still have the will to persevere. I’m not going to do it. It would absolutely crush my mom. Getting the money from her, along with letting me drive would cause her so much guilt. I just couldn’t do it to her, but I just don’t see a decent future for myself. I’m a decent, somewhat intelligent human being who could do well for myself if I put the effort in. Just so hard to picture a happy existence. Who knows fellas, and ladies. We shall see.
Thanks for letting me vent. Sorry for the depressing topic. Just feel comfortable enough here to post this. I know I sound like a little bitch, but hey, it is what it is. We have BIGDAY fighting for his life, and here I am whining about mine. Saloon this, if necessary.