[pronk]

best jokes thread

Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration. The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words yellow, pink and green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The immigration officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes, 'green, green, green, green' and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar'."
Mujibar now works at Telstra; perhaps you have spoken to him!

[pavyracer]

He works for Metro PCS now..not Telstar.

[pronk]

$10,000
'06 Suzuki GSXR 1000
Farmington, UT 84025
2006 Suzuki 1000.
This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service (Expensive). It's been adult ridden; all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought.
Call: Steve 555-1212

[pronk]

[pronk]

A Cambodian, a Japanese, a Korean, a Chinese, a Burmese, a Philippine, a Vietnamese, a Malaysian, and an Indonesian walked into a bar; but the bartender stopped them.
"I'm sorry," he told them, "but I can't let you in without a Thai!"

[pronk]

Fall Classes For Women - The Adult Learning Center
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY
Friday, March 11, 2011
Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, class sizes will be limited to 8 participants maximum.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How To Adjust A Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks. Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7 p.m.

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, Or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturdays 12 p.m. for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past A Wal-Mart Without Stopping? -- Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturdays 10 p.m. for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between A Purse And A Suitcase -- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2 p.m. for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons -- Can They Levitate And Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples On Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesdays and Thursdays for 2 hours beginning at 7 p.m.

Class 6
How To Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During The Program.
Help-Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 weeks, Friday's and Sundays 7 p.m.

Class 7
Can A Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds Of Soaps And Shampoos?
Open Forum
Mondays at 8 p.m. for 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch -- They Make Medicine For PMS -- USE IT!
Meets three nights: Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7 p.m. for 2 hours.

[pronk]

.....

[pronk]

....

[D3 Mighty Ducks]

$10,000
'06 Suzuki GSXR 1000
Farmington, UT 84025
2006 Suzuki 1000.
This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service (Expensive). It's been adult ridden; all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought.
Call: Steve 555-1212

[pronk]

No Fear
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

[pronk]

1. Charlie Sheen Joke
Q. Exactly how much cocaine has Charlie Sheen done?
A. Enough to kill Two and a Half Men!



________________________________________ ______________________________


2. Men Q & A - A Woman's Perspective
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

[pronk]

A couple was having dinner at home when the wife said, "You know, Fred, when we were first married, you used to take the smaller piece of steak and give me the larger. Now, you take the larger one and leave me the smaller.
"You don't love me any more."
"Nonsense," replied Fred. "You cook better now!"


Q. How are men like parking spots?
A. All the good ones are taken, while those that are free are either handicapped or too small!

[ItsOnly$$$]

Hmmm interesting

[Palcsi]

LoL! Nice jokes...have laught on them The Grandmother is awesome

[pronk]

T-Shirt Slogans For Women

1. I'm still hot ... it just comes in flashes.
2. Every time I hear the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
3. At my age, "getting lucky" means finding my car in the parking lot.
4. I'm NOT 50! ... I'm $49.95 plus tax.
5. Keep staring ... I may do a trick.



pornoceros unipornis




Alien cowboy




The day after...

[cala56]

Hahahahahaa funny jokes excellent pronk

[GmCrazy]

LOL

[pronk]

Hahahahahaa funny jokes excellent pronk

[pronk]

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU FU**ING BASTARD!!!!"

Fighting Windmills

1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?
2nd Eskimo: Alaska
1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!

What Do You Call A Gay Eskimo Woman?
A Klondike.

[PoweRay]

Good ones, lol.

[PoweRay]

I needed a laugh, ty

[pronk]

Atomic fresh morning breeze


Why The U.S. Is In Trouble ... Maybe
Editor:A ticket agent at Dulles International Airport (it's just outside Washington, D.C.) offered some examples of why the U.S. may be in trouble. Of course, you'll have to decide that for yourselves, once you've read the following. I should mention that these are a couple of years old.



1. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response: click.




2. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"



3. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"



4. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply: "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal".

At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

Desert Fish

For The Ladies

How To Be Politically Correct When Speaking About Men

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - he has developed a LIQUID STORAGE FACILITY.


Abandoned


2. He is not a BAD DANCER - he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.



3. He does not GET LOST - he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.



4. He is not BALDING - he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.



5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - he is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.



6. He is not FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - he became ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - he develops RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.



8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - he has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He does not CHEAT ON HIS WIFE - he has MATRIMONIAL ALZHEIMERS.



10. He is not a WANKER - He is an OWNER-OPERATOR.

[cala56]

Ahahahahahahahaha pronk is the big in the site. You rule man.

[pronk]

The Catalogue

Two Irish men were looking at a mail order catalogue and admiring the models.
Paddy says to Mick, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?"
"Yes," Mick replies, "they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Paddy says with wide eyes, "Wow! They aren't very expensive! At this price, I'm buying one."
Mike smiles and pats him on the back.
"Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I'll get one, too."
Three weeks later, Mick asks Paddy, " Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalogue?"
"Not yet," says Paddy, "but it shouldn't be long now. She sent all her clothes yesterday."



Waiting

"What? You say you love her, and yet, when you saw her with another man, you did nothing?"
"I'm waiting," said Paddy.
"Waiting for what, Paddy?"
"Waiting to catch her with a smaller guy!"

An Englishman, roused by a Scot's scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman. "Man," scoffed the Scot, "hiv ye nae ambeetion (Have you no ambition)?"

NUCLEAR LOVE!

An Irishman had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad with grief when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.



He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out laughing.

"What do you think you're laughing at," he cried, "you're next."

[pronk]

Real Men Eat Quickies

A man is seated in a restaurant where all the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt, and with legs that won't quit, comes to his table.
"What would you like, sir?" she asks.
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame, top to bottom, and says, "A quickie."
She walks away in disgust.
After regaining her composure, she returns. "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out. "A quickie, please."
Her anger takes over. She slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK" and storms away.
At that moment, a man sitting at the next table leans over and says, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."





<TABLE cellSpacing=1 cellPadding=8 width=498 bgColor=#ffffff border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=contentjoke01 vAlign=top align=left>Potential and Reality</TD></TR><TR><TD class=contentjoke02 vAlign=top align=left height=280>A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies.
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."




<TABLE cellSpacing=1 cellPadding=8 width=498 bgColor=#ffffff border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=contentjoke01 vAlign=top align=left>Lighter Than Air</TD></TR><TR><TD class=contentjoke02 vAlign=top align=left height=280>A blonde is overweight so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days," he tells her. "Then skip a day and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly four stone. "Why that's amazing," the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger you mean?" Asks the doctor.
"No," replies the blonde, "from skipping."




</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Gadhafi and the EU


<TABLE cellSpacing=1 cellPadding=8 width=498 bgColor=#ffffff border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=contentjoke01 vAlign=top align=left>Whiskey</TD></TR><TR><TD class=contentjoke02 vAlign=top align=left height=280>Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.

"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

[pronk]

booze

There was once an Irishman named Murphy who walked into an American Bar. He sat down and asked the Bartender "Give me three shots o' your finest Irish Whiskey!" the Bartender complies.

After about a week the bartender asks, "Murphy, would it be better for yeh if I put all three shots of Irish Whiskey into one glass?"

Murphy replied, "well no. See I have two other brothers back at home, Patrick and Owen, and everytime I come into a Pub or Bar I order a shot for each o' them so I can remember the good times."

Well, after another week of this routine, Murphy comes into the bar and only asks for two shots of Irish Whiskey. The bartender immediately says "Murphy, is everything ok? Did somethin' happen to one of your brothers?" "Oh no", Murphy said, "I just decided to quit drinkin!"



Girl of my dreams

[DblDeuce]

Good stuff

[DblDeuce]

I thought the 1st post was going to be a Helen Keller joke, lol

[cala56]

jhahahahhaaha you keep making people laught,

[charlesbroccoli]

hahaa....i like the camel one...where it comes out with 2 humps...

[BettingGeek]

hahaa....i like the camel one...where it comes out with 2 humps...

ditto

[pronk]

Enigma


DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish................................49.

Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.

Athletic...............................N o breasts.

Average looking....................Moooo.

Beautiful..............................P athological liar.

Emotionally Secure..............On medication.

Feminist..............................Fa t.

Free spirit............................Junkie .

Friendship first......................Former slut.

New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.

Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.



BJ against the war


Open-minded.......................Desperate.

Outgoing..............................Lo ud and Embarrassing.

Professional.........................Bit ch.

Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.

Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.

Wants Soul mate.................Stalker.

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''

Chess match




St Peter's Quiz

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven's gates together.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: "Sorry, it's crowded up here, you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."
He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"
"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replies, "the Titanic."
So St. Peter lets her into Heaven.
Next he turns to the petty thief.
"How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asks.
"Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and I think it was 1,500."
St. Peter steps away and the thief walks into Heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says: "Name them."

[pronk]

Women as a sexual object



Nice catch

[D3 Mighty Ducks]

This looks like a picture book for crying out loud.

[pronk]

Oh yeah!!!