this is the 4th 5th time I've done this is the past 24 months.
and they have all come off 100-200$ deposits.
the first one was a run of a life time. 100$ deposit held a balance of 12 grand for over 6 months. was withdrawaling 500-700$ every other day and still winning and maintaining the 12 grand balance. eventually self destructed and lost it at.
stopped gambling for a few months after that.
then got back in 3 weeks ago, ran 100$ up to 1000$ in a week. self destructed again. lost it all in a split instant after slow grinding to get the grand.
then this weekend off a 200$ deposit ran it to 3 grand in lil less then week and once again lost my composure and self destructed after again slowly grinding but finding right opportunties to make big bets here and there, did get a 500$ deposit out of it but still lost it all in the end, in a again what felt like a split second.
the worst part is I have the composure and discipline to sit there and grind and build. I dont go all ins with the 100 deposits. I set small goals for myself. 100 to 150 to 200 to 250 with occasional big bets if i see the right game for the taking... ect. but then when I get the balance say example 3 grand and I lose 300 and my balance is 2700..I will do anything to get that 300 back cause I NEED to see that figure at 3 grand specifically like something internally has to see that figure at a specific number or else it drives me bonkers and I end up chasing it and going broke.
most of the times this happens late in the day, night games, and i feel like i am literally strung ,out on football, running numbers and i have lost control and i am just so tired of it all. I need to find a way to say hey. lets shut it down for the day, when I am feeling like this.
it is so ass backwards, if only I could get a grip on this.
I re upped today but something is different this time, normally I am as hungry as ever to get going start building. this time i just feel so defeated and have no desire/motivation to do it. I keep wanting to turn back the clock though I know that is not possible ...I was never like this before..I was always able to put it behind me...move on and start building again...now I'm just stuck...