Presidential Candidates as NFL Teams: 2016 Presidential Betting Odds Breakdown

Swinging Johnson

Thursday, July 2, 2015 12:03 PM UTC

Thursday, Jul. 2, 2015 12:03 PM UTC

It's been said politics is a blood sport and in keeping with that theme we at SBR thought it might be interesting to compare the candidates and their respective presidential odds to our beloved NFL teams. Let's take a look.

Find the Best Political & Predidential Betting Odds Here


Hillary Clinton +110 at (New England Patriots) – There is an undeniable kinship between the New England Patriots and the woman who would be king – er, president - Hillary Clinton. A skilled political tactician who espouses the phrase “winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing” once uttered by the man whose name is synonymous with football greatness Vince Lombardi and the eponymous trophy hoisted by the Super Bowl champs at the end of every season.

While the Patriots have Spygate and Deflategate tarnishing their legacy Hillary has been plagued by Benghazi, Whitewater, Travelgate and even the mysterious suicide of deputy White House counsel Vince Foster to name but a few of her scandals. Hillary makes the Evil Genius Bill Belichick look like a piker and we're sure Tom Brady’s text messages ain’t got nothin’ on Hillary’s emails…if we could ever see them.


Jeb Bush +400 at (Baltimore Ravens) - Jeb Bush, like his NFL counterpart, is well managed and prone to playing defense. They also have a few skeletons in their closet that can make life a bit uncomfortable like Ray Lewis escaping a murder rap and video evidence of Ray Rice cold-cocking his girlfriend. From the moment the former Governor of Florida announced his candidacy he distanced himself from his own skeletons, namely a pair of guys named George, by dropping the family name from his campaign platform and keeping it all folksy using only his first name which in reality isn't even his real name. Disavowing his father and brother, both of whom served as Commander-in-Chief, Jeb is defensive on many fronts. He would prefer that his family were the Bush's of baked bean fame rather than the political albatross that is his burden to bear - or perhaps hide might be the better verb.

In addition, he has to play defense with the Republican party whom he differs on many salient issues which is why he is commonly referred to as a RINO (Republican In Name Only). He then needs to apologize to the liberals, whom he is desperately trying to court, for his Republican party membership and of course all that family dough. Though Jeb is a master at keeping the other team at bay we all know that in order to win you also need to score some points of your own.


Marco Rubio +800 at (Kansas City Chiefs) - One swig of a water bottle turned into a deluge of snarky social commentary and an outpouring of political barbs aimed right at the parched lips of the junior Senator from Florida Marco Rubio during his prime time GOP rebuttal of the State of the Union address. While Rubio may be thirsty for new ideas his NFL doppelganger is thirsty for a championship. Rubio, like the NFL entry from Kansas City, looks good, has a vocal and loyal following while possessing the skills to close the deal but in the end gets outclassed by the truly elite.


Scott Walker +1200 at (San Diego Chargers) - Walker is a Conservative and damn proud of it. He's careful to execute a precise game plan but not so good if that blueprint goes awry. He's a bit tightly wound and some would say out of touch. He once mistook the phrase "mazel tov" for the word "Molotov" (as in the incendiary Molotov cocktail) when writing to a Jewish leader. The Chargers are very much like the closely guarded Walker. Season after season they seem to have it all but always seem to shoot themselves in the foot by being too cautious when they have a lead. Inevitably the other team comes alive and the Bolts do a fast fade. Both candidate and franchise need to be a lot looser and less starchy if either has any chance of succeeding.


Rand Paul +2500 at (Philadelphia Eagles) - He's a little off-center like Chip Kelly of the Eagles. He's got some great ideas but he's also a bit of a loose cannon and could come apart if his novel ideas turn into cheap punch lines by his rivals. Like his father before him Ron Paul and Chip Kelly's predecessor Andy Reid there has been some success but just not enough.


Bernie Sanders +2500 at (Buffalo Bills) - Sanders reminds me of Larry David of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm fame. He's a bit whacky and is a proponent of social democracy - and we stress the word social. We liken him to the Bills because he's so close to Canada he could just tip-toe over the border and become a political superstar up North.


Chris Christie +4000 at (NY Jets) - Gee here's a stretch. No resemblance at all to the loud mouthed franchise whose fan base lies south of the Rotten Apple and is every bit as abrasive as the team for which they root. Plenty of bluster but nothing to show for it. If Christie could get his right hand below his prodigious belly he'd grab his crotch and say "I gut cha electoral college right here."


Joe Biden +5000 at (Atlanta Falcons) - Like the Falcons Biden's star was rising several years ago. He was tabbed as Vice-President to Barack Obama and sis-boom-bahed his way as the head cheerleader for Obamacare. It all looked like it would wind up so well but then he opened his mouth and one gaffe after another led to a veritable gold rush for late night talk show hosts. We also discovered we couldn't keep our doctor if we wanted and it all unraveled. Like the Falcons, looking poised to go deep in the postseason and contend for the ultimate prize their star player had a few meltdowns as well and pretty soon this favorite was drifting further to the middle of the pack.


Donald Trump +6600 at (Dallas Cowboys) - He, like the Cowboys, thinks he is still America's Team but that term has been overwrought since the 70's - about the same time Trump bought his hairpiece. He's become a useful idiot in this sea of pinstriped automatons all vying for everyone's vote and cloying for public approval. But the funny thing is that he is saying exactly what many people are thinking and his candor, though ham-handed and wafting of arrogance, is a welcome diversion from all the politically correct pols afraid to take a side. Like the Cowboys The Donald has plenty of name recognition but is probably going nowhere.


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