Miss Universe Top 5 Odds Analysis & Predictions: Who Made the Cut?

Swinging Johnson

Tuesday, December 15, 2015 2:07 PM UTC

Tuesday, Dec. 15, 2015 2:07 PM UTC

Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas will be the venue for the 2015 Miss Universe Pageant on Sunday December 20th where one beautiful woman will be crowned. Let’s take a look at the odds.

Process of Elimination
I have been assigned the herculean task of combing through pages and pages of Miss Universe contestants clothed in everything from evening gowns to swimsuits. In the process I have assiduously and dutifully rated these glamour queens based on nothing more than what I have seen and the background story they have provided. There is one undeniable common denominator that links all these dynamic women with boundless futures and an insatiable thirst to save the planet, the whales and bring peace to mankind– they’re all smokin’, baby!

But as shallow and soulless as it is to rate women based purely on physical appearance I am just the man for this heartless job. In order to narrow down the top five and ultimately choose a winner in your sports picks I must bid adieu to 75 jaw-dropping honeys that would turn a mortal man into putty with just a glance. It should also be noted that 13 of the last 15 winners have been at least 5’9” or taller thus height will regrettably factor into my decision because I am partial to the 5’5” and under segment of the fairer sex – though I think I could be persuaded to abandon my predilections with this collection of stunners.


Who Made the Cut?
Let’s understand there isn’t one “handsome” woman in the competition. Now you know what I mean by handsome don’t you? Picture your Aunt Beatrice, a former swimmer and weightlifter, with a well-defined jawline and an enormous head but pretty eyes and a toothy smile. Too masculine for your tastes of course but overall not a bad looking lady in a parallel universe. We are judging a collection of stone cold 10’s but we are looking for 11’s. I realize there is more to this competition than looks – stop laughing – but we have to start somewhere gents.

I begrudgingly had to say adios to Miss Costa Rica who is completely flawless but alas only 5’6” which would buck the trend of crowning a long-legged lovely. We’ve got be cold and calculating if we want to make bank. Therefore I present for your viewing pleasure, in alphabetical order by country, the Fantastic Five with their sports odds.


Colombia (12-1) 

   Ariadna Gutierrez-Arevalo is Miss Colombia and looks like a young Sophia Vergara (from Modern Family fame) also from Colombia. I fear Miss Gutierrez-Arevalo may be a bit shallow in the whole “aspirations and accomplishments” department as her bio states she loves cats, shoes and…pickles. We’ll leave that last one alone.


Miss Curacao (25-1)

  Kanisha Sluis speaks four languages (English, Spanish, Dutch and one that I have honestly never heard of in my life), aspires to be a chemical analyst so she can cure cancer and could convince any man to become a clinical guinea pig with just one come hither look. Her swimsuit picture will melt you with a smile that lights up her face and a body that will darken your thoughts – you nasty boy!


Miss Denmark (16-1)

   I could care less who plays James Bond in the next itineration of the series but Cecilie Wellemberg should be a lock to play the next Bond girl. She’s got eyes like a Siberian husky and a bottom lip that could be used as a pillow if the need arose. She is currently a student at Copenhagen Business School which gives her the requisite brains, in the brains and beauty requirement, but her fixation on numerology might make her appear to be a little whacky in the eyes of the judges.


Miss Philippines (12-1) 

  Pia Alonzo Wurtzbach has an amazing rack. I am just putting it right out there because I don’t have enough space to be tactful. Rumors are that Miss Philippines from last year got robbed so this could be a mea culpa from the judge’s this year. Miss Philippines also had top five finishes in four of the last five years.



Miss USA (8-1)

 In case you think I am being ethnocentric by including my home girl Olivia Jordan in this top five I will submit to you that six of the last nine Miss Universe titles have been won by Miss USA when the pageant is held in the States. Moreover, Ms. Jordan boasts a tussled mane of flaxen locks cascading along her perfectly chiseled features and has the good deeds background - Jordan helped raise $2 million for the Alzheimer’s Association and has assisted on a “No Hate” campaign - that will no doubt smite the judges.

Miss Universe Betting Pick: Miss USA at Pinnacle

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