Germans Soaring Into Finals as Brazil Goes Down in Flames

Swinging Johnson

Thursday, July 10, 2014 11:28 AM GMT

While the Germans are on fire heading into the World Cup Finals, the Brazilians are a flaming mess. We look at the final matches of the 2014 World Cup and decide which squads will pull through for sports bettors.

Brazil Moves On - Not!
Swinging Johnson - thy middle name is Schadenfreude. The more I read about Brazil's reaction to their historic defeat, the less guilty I feel about reveling in their misery. But before I move on from the delightful yet deleterious delirium bedeviling Brazil, I feel it is my duty to report events during the "Slaughter at San Paolo" (you heard it here first) and its aftermath. 

Somewhere around the 40th minute of play, when it became painfully apparent that Brazil was not only going to lose but do so in spectacular fashion, the crowd began chanting “Ei, Dilma, vai tomar no cu,” which loosely translated suggests that the president herself, Dilma Rousseff, is capable of an extraordinary and previously thought to be impossible anatomical feat. Of course it was Rousseff who green-lighted the $11 billion poured into the World Cup project which some believed would have been better served had that money been earmarked for schools, hospitals or poor neighborhoods. 

Those who beat the drum in opposition to Brazil hosting the World Cup and acted as the nation's social conscience saw their ranks swell after the devastating loss, from two nuns and a homeless man to almost 200 million concerned and passionate denizens of social justice. In addition, these new community activists took to the streets and proceeded to set fire to buses, burn the national flag and then looted several stores for good measure. Ah, it's nice to see that the United States doesn't have a monopoly on jackasses. 

But look at the bright side, Brazil: you now have all those pretty soccer fields to use whenever you want for years to come. And don't even, for one minute, believe that those 2014 World Cup stadiums will stand forever as a symbol to Brazil's national failure and humiliation on the world stage. Because quite honestly, if you plant several million of the right flowers in each stadium and cover them with a big glass roof, your nation will boast giant terrariums that will be the envy of every horticulturist from San Paolo to San Antonio. 

Adios Brazil - 2018 is calling.


World Cup Finals
And so the stage is set. Argentina will take on Germany in the 2014 World Cup Finals and we couldn't be any happier... that it's finally going to be over. The moment Uncle Sam's boys got bounced my futbol fever suddenly broke and I was miraculously cured.  Of course, I did relapse momentarily when I realized Los Ticos were still in the game but now I am fully healthy and prepared to resume my duties as a football (the kind with two o's) fanatic. 

However, in deference to the rest of the world who will eagerly await this year's winner and for those sharps who stand to make a few bucks based on their observations I shall disseminate the World Cup odds courtesy of Bet365.com. They are as follows:

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Here's my knee-jerk reaction to these World Cup odds. Doesn't Argentina look like a pretty good betting pick at +250? Don't you think Germany could experience some sort of hangover effect after their dismantling of Brazil? Could the current betting odds on Argentina be a reflection of a grand overreaction by the public to Germany's domination of Brazil? Hasn't Argentina gone undefeated while Germany drew with little old Ghana and barely beat the dark horse United States 1-0? 

Why am I asking so many questions if it is implied I have all the answers? Because I am indeed a jackass myself - La Albiceleste, I salute you!