Miss USA - 2013
Last year I had the good fortune of sharing a podcast with the inimitable Peter Loshak and writing a column on the 2012 Miss USA Pageant. It was there that I repped the very lovely and talented Miss Rhode Island, Olivia Culpo who made my knees knock and my palms sweat. Apparently I wasn't the only one as she took the crown at odds of 9-1 and subsequently proceeded to capture the title of Miss Universe.
But that was last year and now we welcome an entirely new class of buxom beauties to adorn the stage at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas. So, let's dim the lights, break out our finest bottle of Pinot and marvel at the walking mannequins who look so life-like you'd swear they were real, until of course they actually started talking. Let's review, shall we?
Ok, let's toss a few to the wolves right away. Boys I don't want any of you to spend your hard earned money backing any of these dogs for your free picks...underdogs that is!
Miss Alaska - She's got that kind of Sarah Jessica Parker elongated face. You know where I'm going with this, dontcha? I wouldn't know whether to shake her hand or feed her a bucket of oats.
Miss Hawaii - I can imagine Miss Hawaii being the hottest volleyball player on the sands of Oahu but I can't imagine her wearing the crown of Miss USA.
Miss Iowa - If this were the cutest cheerleader contest in Hampton, Iowa population 4133, then she'd be a lock. But this is the major leagues of loveliness and at 5'3" she may be the perfect height for those of us that like them short (I'm raising my hand) but about five inches shy of acceptable (if I had a nickel for every time I've heard that).
Miss Kansas - This young lady has a thousand yard stare on a good day. She looks like you could warm up to her in about the same way you would cuddle up to an anvil on a cold, snowy evening.
Miss Maine - I think Miss Maine looks downright ordinary with makeup on but without it, I swear she could be working the register at the Maine Diner and you'd never look twice.
Miss Montana - Miss Montana was the Valedictorian of her high school and she's got the looks to prove it. "Nuff said.
Miss Nebraska - I think she won a raffle.
The Contenders - Odds courtesy of Bet365.com
Miss Alabama (+1200) - She's got the flowing chestnut locks of a lioness and the taut, tight lines to pull this one off. However, it's actually the lions who have the flowing manes but she's from 'Bama, she won't know any better.
Miss Connecticut (+1000) - Erin Brady is a natural born stunner much like her sister Tom. Just kidding - Tom Brady is much prettier. She's got to be in everyone's top ten. THough, she doesn't hold uber value on the betting odds boards at most shops.
Miss California (+3300) - Doe eyed Mabelynn Capeluj looks like she could have donned the cover of Bob Guccione's Penthouse Magazine circa 1977. That's not a bad thing for the male viewing audience but she's probably a bit too steamy to win this prissy title.
Miss Nevada (+2500) - When in Vegas, why not bet on the hometown gal? She's the proverbial blonde bombshell with the big rack. What's not to like?!
Miss New Hampshire (+2500) - Oh yum! I keep going back to this one picture of Miss Amber Faucher in a red bikini where her top is straining to keep the girls in check while she strikes a come hither pose showing off all those dangerous curves.
Miss Texas (+1500) - Like California, Texas once again produces yet another knockout in a seemingly endless line of power punchers. Ali Nugent is just the latest drop dead honey from the Lone Star State. Kewpie doll lips and a little rich girl nose that turns up just enough to let you know her daddy's got money. Lots of it!
In our Miss USA odds, courtesy of Bet365.com, we have to predict which pretty young thang will appeal to the judges as opposed to which one best fits our most prurient desires. I did not include the favorite, Miss Florida, because she is merely a claiming horse in a stakes race here.
While Miss New Hampshire and Miss California are the exacta of my dreams, I've got to believe that the "pageant look" is most keenly illustrated in the faces and figures of Miss Connecticut and Miss Texas. I'd spread a little cash on both these fresh-faced foxes but if I had to choose one, I'd go with the place where they practically breed them, the great state of Texas at 15-1!