I am Didier Drogba and this is my expert analysis of the Champions League group stage draw. I will tell you about the groups and rate each on the highly scientific F***ing Disgrace Scale. Let's begin.
Group A
Inter Milan
Werder Bremen
Tottenham
FC Twente
Didier Says: Inter and the referee conspired to knock Chelsea out of the Champions League last season so now that my friend Jose Mourinho is not there anymore, I hope they lose every match and squander the ability to taste ice cream! The rest of the group looks like it got lost on the way to the Europa League. Inter and Spurs will advance and I will be forced to hope that the ice cream thing comes true.
Verdict: Mild f***ing disgrace!
Group B
Lyon
Benfica
Schalke
Hapoel Tel Aviv
Didier Says:I don't care about any of these teams and I am not going to pretend to! Lyon and Schalke will advance but I will not give that prediction the Didier Drogba Seal of Quality because my heart is not in it and you can't make me do anything I don't want to do!
Verdict: Unconfirmed f***ing disgrace!
Group C
Manchester United
Valencia
Rangers
Bursapor
Didier Says: Someone is going to get stabbed during at least one of these matches! That aside, it's still another easy group for Manchester United. If they had any money I would say they are paying off UEFA, but they can only afford footballers who used to be homeless, so that can't be. Man United and Valencia will advance and my cat, Kitier Katba, will purr angrily in their general direction.
Verdict: Obvious f***ing disgrace!
Group D
Barcelona
Panathinaikos
Copenhagen
Rubin Kazan
Didier Says: Again Barcelona gets an insanely easy group! UEFA is definitely still playing favorites with them! This is wrong! Maybe Rubin Kazan will beat them again just to make things appear fair, but it is not fair at all! Platini and Messi wear spandex and play laser tag together! Pep Guardiola watches them and gives them juice when they're done!
Verdict: TOTALLY MASSIVE F***ING DISGRACE!
Group E
Bayern Munich
Roma
Basel
CFR Cluj
Didier Says: UEFA and Barcelona sleep head to toe in the same tent and then say nothing happened between them! Things can still happen when you are head to toe! Trust me -- I know this! Bayern and Roma will advance here, but how can you live knowing there is such corruption out there?! You can't! So put down the pudding!
Verdict: Excluding the head to toe business, this is still more or less a f***ing disgrace!
Group F
Chelsea
Marseille
Spartak Moscow
MSK Zilina
Didier Says: Of course! Of course they put me against my former club, Marseille! They always have to make it tough for Drogba. They can never let Drogba just relax and have an enjoyable Champions League. Maybe eat a piece of cake during the matches. No! They make me play my old team and score goals against my friends! If Chelsea and Marseille don't advance, I will curse on your televisions!
Verdict: A Kitier Katba sized f***ing disgrace! And Kitier is an extremely fat cat, which in itself is not acceptable! Feline diabetes is serious business!
Group G
AC Milan
Real Madrid
Ajax
Auxerre
Dider Says: This group is madness! My friend Jose Mourinho will fill a swimming pool with their tears and then swim the backstroke in it. There are lots of talented players here, but Milan and Madrid will advance.
Verdict: An entertaining f***ing disgrace!
Group H
Arsenal
Shakhtar Donetsk
Braga
Partizan
Didier Says: So when Arsenal sold Eduardo to Shakhtar, they actually did a disservice to themselves. Alanis Morissette wrote a song about that and it was called "Hand In My Pocket." Arsenal and Shakhtar will advance.
Verdict: It's not that bad. ... No -- it's a f***ing disgrace! If I tricked you, you need to pay closer attention to the heavily repeated themes of the things you read!
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Drogba Analyzes the Champions League Draw
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