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A door-to-door salesman comes-a-knocking and 10-year-old Little Johnny answers, a beer in one hand and a lit cigar in the other.
The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mommy home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the fuk do you think?"
Brad, a local beachgoer, couldn't even get a second look from any of the girls on the beach. So he headed over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard had any advice for him.
"Dude, it's obvious," said the lifeguard. "You're wearing those gnarly old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to get yourself a Speedo—say, two sizes too small—and drop a potato inside it. You'll have all the babes you can handle."
The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his brand-spanking-new tight Speedo and his potato, and it's not long before he approaches the lifeguard tower once more.
"For cryin' out loud," said Brad, "it's worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as I walk by—covering their faces, turning away, laughing! What's wrong now?"
"Jeez, Brad!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"
Little Johnny was in class while the teacher was giving an oral quiz on History. "Who said 'Give me liberty or give me death'" started the teacher. No one answered.
Finally a little Japanese exchange student piped in: "Patrick Henry, 1776"
The teacher was a little miffed that an exchange student would answer and her American students couldn't.
So she tried again: "Four score and seven years ago..." and again no one answered until the little Japanese girl replied: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863".
Again the teacher was miffed. So the teacher gave a challenge, the next right answer would get the rest of the day off.
"FUK THE JAPS!" was yelled from the back of the room.
"Who said that?!!" screamed the teacher.
Little Johnny replied proudly, "Gen. Douglas McArthur, 1941. See you tomorrow!"
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He notices a monkey in a cage behind the bar and asks about it.
"You don't want to know," answers the bartender.
A few beers later, the guy says, "Come on, I gotta know what the deal is with the monkey."
"OK, I'll show you," says the bartender. He then takes the animal out of the cage and whacks it on the head with a bat. The monkey pulls down the bartender's pants and starts giving him a blow job. He looks at the guy and says, "You want to try it?"
"Hell, yeah," says the guy. "But don't hit me that hard."
"Doctor, won't you please kiss me?" asks the patient.
"No. You're a very beautiful woman, but it's against my code of ethics," replies the doctor.
"Please, just one kiss," she pleads.
"Sorry," says the doctor. "It's totally out of the question. I shouldn't even be fukking you."
I pasted those from a Johnny joke site. I love Little Johnny jokes.
Originally Posted by THE PROFIT
little Johnny is cracking me the fuk up....
im pasting off maxim's top 100, i couldnt remember all that shit, or type all that with accurate punctuation
This thread should be stickied!
A woman goes shoe-shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes he notices she is not wearing panties. He looks at the woman and says, "Man, I'd love to fill that with ice cream and eat it!"
The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband. The husband acts disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, "Aren't you going to do anything?!"
The husband replies, "First of all, you have too many shoes as it is. Second, you shouldn't be out shopping without panties. And third of all, there's no way I'm going to mess with someone who can eat that much ice cream!"
Thats one of my all time favs!!!
one of the best threads ever!
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day when the man looked over at his wife and said, "Your butt's getting huge. I bet it's bigger than the barbecue." With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill. Then he went over to where his wife was working and measured her butt. "I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband felt a little frisky. He made some advances toward her, but she completely brushed him off. "What's wrong?" he asked. She replied, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
A widow goes on her first date since her husband's death, and afterward the two end up back at her place. Once in the bedroom, she takes off everything but her black panties. "You can touch me anywhere else," she says, "but down there I'm still mourning."
"I figured as much," says the man. He then proceeds to pull down his pants and put on a black condom. "If you don't mind, I'd like to offer my deepest condolences."
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt, and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this offended her, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This, she decided, was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed his crotch. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener and the poolman."
dumb
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. The mother told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber that person is." Satisfied with the answer, the boy left to play in the ocean, but returned to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "pee-pees" than his dad. His mother explained, "The bigger they are the dumber that person is." Again, satisfied with the answer, the boy returned to the ocean to play.Shortly after, the boy returned again, promptly informing his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!"
Very funny.
yo mama is so stupid she taped a piece of paper to the T.V. and said "look i have paper view".
Along those lines:
4 gays were sitting in a hot tub when a white spot floats to the top of the water. The first one goes ewwwww. The second one asks what that is? The third one says it looks alot like ***. Then the fourth one blurts out "OK, who farted?"
hahah
Woman walks into a confessional at the local church of her small town to confess to father "jose", a priest at the local church for 10 years, of her sins. She tries to inform the priest about her extracurriculars which involved infidelity with other men. Seeing she was having trouble admitting it directly the father suggests the euphemism that she "fell of the bridge". Seeing an opportunity to feel less guilty the woman jumps on the phrase and tells all her girlfriends about the understood lingo for the sin. After a couple years Father Jose gets relocated and a young new priest enters the church not fully aware of all the customs and, in this case, lingo's used. After hearing many women complain about "falling off the bridge" the young ambitious priest storms into the bishops office complaining about the dangerous bridge in town that all the women have fallen off of. The bishop, smoking his cigar, and his associates cannot help but laugh in uncontrollable laughter over the young priests obliviousness. Felling embarrassed in public, the young priest, in a fit of rage comes, lashes out over the group of laughter and says, " I don't know why this one is laughing! (the Bishop) His wife has fallen off this ****ing bridge the most!" (Bishop chokes on cigar and crowd goes silent)
lol
Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fukked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.
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Q: What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded.
Good thread...come on footballllllll
I like this joke.
Why can't Mexican high schoolers take drivers ed and sex ed on the same day?
Too much work for the donkey.
My last girlfriend dumped me after she told me to go out and "buy something to make her look sexy" - and I came back with a bottle of Whiskey !
Yolanda and Loquisha were walking through the Zoo. As they were walking past the monkey enclosure a 600lb silver back gorilla reached out of its cage grabbed Yolanda, pulled her in and started to **** her. People started freaking out, little kids were crying as the gorilla was beating the shit out of her. After about 10 minutes the zookeeper arrives with a tranquilizer gun and shoots the gorilla. Yolanda was rushed to the hospital by paramedics and is intensive care for 12 hours. She was mangled so severely that she is put in a full body cast and only her face is not covered by the cast. 2 weeks later Loquisha came to the hospital to visit. Loquisha ran into the room,saw her friend and said..
Aw lawd Yolanda!!!
Let me axe you a queschun.
Do it hurt?
Yolanda replied, Sho it hurt, He dont write he dont call...!!!!
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I like it nobs!
