I feel like I’m understanding what you saying to a extent but confused on how/why you have charges against you pal?
Squash that suicide shit man, shit always gets better after it worst. You will be ok, always time to bounce back. I’ve done it many times after my life going to compete shit!! I sabotage myself regularly cause the only thing I’m good at is bouncing back! Lol. When things are going great when I’m lost! lol.