[frogsrangers]

And the bartender asks "What is the matter?" and the Buffalo says "Sent by boy off to college today. I am going to miss him". The bartender says "What did you say to him before he left?" and the buffalo replied "Bison"

[Aussiefalconfan]

8/10

[The Kraken]

3/10

[Aaron McCrevice]

[Stocks]

it took me a while as well (bison - bye son)

[onemoregoal]

Three old friends are finishing their third pint at the bar when one of them gets up to leave. “Where do you think you’re going?” ask the other two. He replies, “I’ve got to leave. Last time we went drinking together we got so drunk that I staggered home and blew chunks on the living room carpet right in front of my wife and her parents.”“That’s nothing,” replied one of his friends. “I was so drunk I crashed my car into a police station.”“I walked into the wrong house and climbed into bed with my neighbour’s wife,” said the other. “You don’t understand,” says the first guy. “Chunks is our dog.”

**
A 90-year old woman, having led a full life and done everything she’d ever wanted to do, decided her time on Earth was done. After considering various methods of topping herself, she decided the quickest and least painful way to do herself in would be to shoot herself through the heart.
But, being a bit old and forgetful, she couldn’t remember exactly where her heart was located, so she called the doctor for advice. The doctor said her heart was two inches above her left nipple. So she shot herself in the left kneecap.
**

One day the Religious Education teacher wanted the class to use the word ‘definitely’ in a sentence.Suzie raised her hand so she called on her. She said, “The sky is definitely blue!” “I’m sorry Suzie that’s wrong, the sky sometimes turns different colours: red, grey, etc… anybody else?”
Timmy raised his hand and said, “The grass is definitely green.”“I’m sorry Timmy, that’s not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it can turn brown, anybody else?”Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, “Miss, do farts have lumps?”The teacher says, “No, why?”“Then I definitely shit my pants!”

**

My girlfriend is a porn star.


She’s going to be so pissed off when she finds out.

**

I got banned from the Mile High Club the other day.

Couldn’t give a flying fukk

**

http://www.fhm.com/funny/new-jokes-s...-readers-82269

[Aussiefalconfan]

Moar?

[Jimmy Proffett]

lol chunks

[onemoregoal]

A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband. Her doctor told her to give him one pill a night, and that he would call to check in with her after a week. That night, the wife popped one pill in her husband’s food and got a good rogering. The next night she gave him two pills. The sex was even greater than the night before. The following night she decided to give him the whole bottle. The sex was unimaginable. A week later, the doctor called to check on the patient. The couple’s son answered the phone and sounded shaky. The doctor asked to speak to his mum. The son replied that his mum was in the hospital, the maid was pregnant, his butt was hurting and his dad was standing naked in the front garden, yelling, “Here kitty, kitty!”

**

A rich lady gives her butler the night off because she is going out on a date. When she arrives back home from the date she sees the butler’s still home and sitting in the front room.
The rich lady approaches the butler and requests that he remove her dress, so the butler removes her dress. She then asks the butler to remove her bra. She then asks him to remove her panties, which he does.
The lady then tells the butler never to dress in her clothes again.

**

On Monday morning, teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.
Tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson.
Every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough.
“That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behaviour!”
The next Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “Don’t you know – the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"

**
My kids want a dog but I’ve refused to get them a Labrador. I mean, it’s frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind.

**
While riding one day, a cowboy meets an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and begins a conversation.

“Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?” “Dog no talk,” replies the Indian. Unperturbed, the cowboy continues.

“Hey dog, how’s it going?” he queries. “Doin’ alright,” shrugs the dog, looking up. The Indian looks shocked.

“How does your owner treat you?” he continues. “Real good,” replies the pooch. “He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

The Indian’s jaw drops in disbelief. “Mind if I talk to your horse?” continues the cowboy. “Horse no talk,” states the Native American.

“We’ll see,” says the cowboy. “Hey horse, how’s it going?” “Good,” smiles the nag. “And how does your owner treat you?” “Pretty good,” says the horse. “He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me.”

“Good, mind if I talk to your sheep?” asks the cowboy. “Sheep liar,” snaps the Indian.

www.fhm.com

[onemoregoal]

A construction worker was on the third floor of an unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him. But the guy couldn’t hear a word he said from so high up. So he started to give a sign so the man on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning “I”) then pointed at his knees (meaning “need”), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the third floor got pissed off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, “You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw.”
The other guy replied, “I know, ?I was telling you that I was coming.”



A dyslexic kid and his mum go out for lunch and she says to him, “What do you want to eat?”
He replies, “McDonald’s!”
The mum says, “You can have it if you can spell it.”
He thinks about this and then says, “Screw it, I’ll have KCF.”

www.fhm.com

[Smoke]

A black guy and white guy are sitting at a table. They dont know each other. The black guy asks the white guy if he is gay. The white white guy replies "pokemon!"

[MC PICKS]

[zizoudane10]

A police officer is patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop looks at the guy for a moment, and then pulls down his pants and gets out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"

[zizoudane10]

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

[Seaweed]

A black guy and white guy are sitting at a table. They dont know each other. The black guy asks the white guy if he is gay. The white white guy replies "pokemon!"