1. #1
    PhillyFlyers
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    South Philly Bar Jokes

    Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.

    Guy walks into a bar and sees this hot chick. He walks up to her and says "Hey babe, me and you tonight. What do you think about that?" Girl turns around and says "I screw anybody, anywhere, anytime. I screw in my place, your place, in a car, standing up, on the ground, doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it since I got out of college and I just love it."

    Dude says "Holy shit, I'm a fukkin lawyer too, what firm you work for?"

    What do you call a n**er in a tree with 12 monkeys? Branch supervisor.

    Two cowboys are in a bar drinking the day away. One cowboy says to his his buddy "You ever hear of the new sex position called the Rodeo?"

    His friend says "no what's that"? He says "You get your wife from behind, reach around her and cup her with both hands, then you say to her damn these are almost as big as your sisters and see if you can hang on for 8 seconds."

    The Little Rascals are in class one day. Teacher says "OK class, today we are going to say a word, spell it out, then use it in a sentence. Spanky, the word is rainbow." Spanky stands up, says "Rainbow, r-a-i-n-b-o-w, rainbow. Teacher says great job now use it in a sentence. Spanky says "Rainbows have many beautiful colors."

    Teacher says great job Spanky, you get an A. Darla, your next and the word is weather. Darla says "Weather, w-e-a-t-h-e-r, weather. Teacher says great now use it in a sentence. Darla says "The weather is always changing". Teacher says great job Darla you get an A.

    Buckwheat your next. The word is dictate. Buckwheat stands up, takes his thumb out of his mouth and says "dictate, d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate. Teacher says great job now use it in a sentence. "Darla, how my dictate?"

    One day a duck walks into a bar and takes a seat. Bartender walks over to him and says "Can I help you??

    Duck says "Got any raisins?" Bartender says "No, this is a bar, we don't sell raisins". So the duck walks out and leaves.

    Next day the same duck walks into the same bar and sits in the same stool. Bartender walks over to him "Can I help you?" Duck says "Got any raisins?" Bartender says "No, I told you yesterday, this is a bar and we don't sell any raisins". Duck walks out and leaves.

    Next day same duck walks into the same bar and sits at the same stool. Bartender walks over to him "Can I help you?" Duck says "Got any raisins?" Bartender says "NO Motherfukker!, we ain't got any raisins!, I told you for two days now this is a fukkin bar, we don't sell raisins and if you come in here and ask for raisins again, I'm gonna nail your fukkin feet to the bar!"

    So the duck says "ok" and leaves. Next day duck comes back but only peeks his head into the bar this time. He looks at the bartender and says "Got any nails?" Bartender says no. Duck says "Good, got any raisins?"


    An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Polish guy were working on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building one day. So during lunch break, the irish guy opens his lunchbox up and sees ham and cabbage. He says "Sonofabitch! If I have ham and cabbage again, I'm going to jump off this fukkin building!" So the mexican opens his lunchbox and sees a burrito. He says "Sonofabitch! If I see another burrito, I'm jumping off too!". So the Polish guy opens up his lunchbox and sees and bologna and cheese sandwich. "Sonofofbitch! If I get another bologna and cheese sandwich I'm jumping too!"

    Next day at lunch break the irish guy opens his lunchbox. Sure enough, it's ham and cabbage. He takes off and jumps down to his death. The mexican opens up his lunchbox and it's another burrito. He gets a running start and flies off the building to his death. The Polish guy opens up his lunchbox and it's another bologna and cheese sandwich. He takes one giant leap down to his death.

    At the funeral, the irishman's wife was crying and said "If I had known he was so tired of ham and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

    The mexican's wife was also crying and she said "If I had known he was so tired of burritos I could have made him tacos or enchiladas!".

    Everyone then turned to the Polish guy's wife. She looks back and says "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."
    Last edited by PhillyFlyers; 03-06-13 at 11:49 PM.

  2. #2
    minet123
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