How dumb am I?

[Cuse0323]

I’ll give the writing down thing a shot, but I’ve done it before, and it usually ends at sports. The one thing I know about myself is that I love competition. That could be key for my recovery, or maybe a curse.

I love bowling too, mainly because I love to try to win, or just try to get strikes. Really enjoy working to perfect my roll, and things like picking up spares. My dead homie and I used to bowl every night for a while. We did get fcked up, and hammer down pitchers, but the most fun we had was trying to beat each other.

I miss him. He was a big part of me doing dumb shit, but with him I always had a partner in crime. His parents forbid me from coming to any of his services when he died. Fcked up shit to put all the blame on me, instead of looking at what role they had in his death, or just understanding that he made his own choices, and I didn’t force him to do a damn thing. I don’t mind taking the blame, but I never got the closure that everyone else did by being able to see him be put to rest. Still not sure what effect it has had on me. Haven’t cried about it, and got over it pretty quick.

Wish I could get into golf since I’m down here, but I’m just not good enough to have fun, plus it makes me want to drink. Same with fishing. I suck at it, but I do love it because I can just chill on the water and pound drinks. Maybe I can just get rid of the pounding drinks part. The water is peaceful.

I just have no one to do any of these things with. My MAT therapist is huge on fishing, and outdoors stuff. They have a mens group that I can join, and they do shit like that. I just don’t really get along with the guy. He just gets on my nerves. Not good at what he does, at least to me, and just something off about the guy. Plus he loves Star Wars, so we’re just two dudes that would never be friends in the real world. I think I do better with female therapists for the most part

Maybe it’s because I’m a momma’s boy, and grew up with mostly girls. No brother, just an older sister, and all my cousins near my age were girls. I was basically an only child as my sister was out of the house by the time I turned 10, so we’ve never really been close. She never had to deal with the hell that I endured when it came to my parents relationship, and all the abuse around me.

No real male influences in my life. Check that. No real good male influences in my life. I’m sure that’s part of why I take care of my homies when they roll with me. 50/50 for anything I get is what I always do. I just like to take care of whoever is by my side. This leads to people taking advantage, but I’m not even mad. I’d rather be good to people, and help them out when I can, than sit back and just keep everything to myself. It kills my money, my supply, and then I’m banking on them to hit me back, but it is what it is.

Bowling might be perfect. It’s competitive, cheap, and you can play whenever. Good way to meet friends, and have sober fun. I won’t be bothered if people are drinking around me, and I think I’m safe on any crack being smoked in front of me. I just need to find better people to hang out with. Unfortunately, I think Daytona ain’t the place for that. Plus, it’ll just be old folks bowling, I’m sure.

This place is a dump. I was looking for a favor tonight. Nothing crazy, but down here it was gonna cost me 7 dollars for something simple. Unreal to me. This place is devoid of humanity. It’s killed or be killed here, and if I can’t make a dollar off you, then fck off. It’s like that anywhere, but you can find good people usually. Everyone is trying to hustle down here. I really gotta get out of here. I don’t belong here.

[Big Bear]

Cuser if you want to write a book I can help you as well as help you promote it

[PittsburghPlayer]

In NYS one can not be deprived of attending a funeral service. You friends family fukked you with their wishes, but that is not the law.

[allabout the $$$]

In NYS one can not be deprived of attending a funeral service. You friends family fukked you with their wishes, but that is not the law.

You show up at a funeral where a family asks you not to show up to plan on it not being a pretty scene. If I told my children's friend not to show up at their funeral and they did plan on an ass kicking.

Gaucho you really seem to relate to the issues cuse is having hopefully he reaches out to you

[reigle9]

Good bowling spot here. Drunk college cics. There's a bar in the bowling alley then a real sportsbar connected.

[Big Bear]

hows it going?

[Cuse0323]

Craziest shit of my life right there. I just went to court. Judge is saying shit about January, so I’m like okay cool, I’m good. Then he switches it up, and says I am going to issue a warrant right now, and take you into custody. Failure for cocaine on pretrial. Something along those lines. He explains that I’ll be back to see him soon, probably tomorrow or get bond then, who knows. All I do is say thank you.

They take me back. I’m just thinking how am I gonna get this subutex in my mouth with the cuffs on. Then they knock on the door. Cop says bring him back, they may have worked out a deal. The state attorney was in the Christmas spirit or some shit. They agreed to give me fckin time served. One day for my thirty seconds in cuffs. Unbelievable. I don’t even have to do pretrial anymore, or the diversion program. I’m just free. It makes no sense. I was gonna fail again for pretrial too, but so much for that. Maybe Florida ain’t so bad after all. Maybe not being a dick, and just saying thank you was enough to show them I’m not some threat to society that needs to be locked up. Who the fck knows man.

[BeatTheJerk]

Craziest shit of my life right there. I just went to court. Judge is saying shit about January, so I’m like okay cool, I’m good. Then he switches it up, and says I am going to issue a warrant right now, and take you into custody. Failure for cocaine on pretrial. Something along those lines. He explains that I’ll be back to see him soon, probably tomorrow or get bond then, who knows. All I do is say thank you.

They take me back. I’m just thinking how am I gonna get this subutex in my mouth with the cuffs on. Then they knock on the door. Cop says bring him back, they may have worked out a deal. The state attorney was in the Christmas spirit or some shit. They agreed to give me fckin time served. One day for my thirty seconds in cuffs. Unbelievable. I don’t even have to do pretrial anymore, or the diversion program. I’m just free. It makes no sense. I was gonna fail again for pretrial too, but so much for that. Maybe Florida ain’t so bad after all. Maybe not being a dick, and just saying thank you was enough to show them I’m not some threat to society that needs to be locked up. Who the fck knows man.

Where in Florida do you reside Cuse ?

[Heltah Skeltah]

Craziest shit of my life right there. I just went to court. Judge is saying shit about January, so I’m like okay cool, I’m good. Then he switches it up, and says I am going to issue a warrant right now, and take you into custody. Failure for cocaine on pretrial. Something along those lines. He explains that I’ll be back to see him soon, probably tomorrow or get bond then, who knows. All I do is say thank you.

They take me back. I’m just thinking how am I gonna get this subutex in my mouth with the cuffs on. Then they knock on the door. Cop says bring him back, they may have worked out a deal. The state attorney was in the Christmas spirit or some shit. They agreed to give me fckin time served. One day for my thirty seconds in cuffs. Unbelievable. I don’t even have to do pretrial anymore, or the diversion program. I’m just free. It makes no sense. I was gonna fail again for pretrial too, but so much for that. Maybe Florida ain’t so bad after all. Maybe not being a dick, and just saying thank you was enough to show them I’m not some threat to society that needs to be locked up. Who the fck knows man.

Maybe this is a sign to stop smoking crack and get your life back on track before it is 2 late! Take this good and run wth it..someone or something wth a higher power just gave you another chance to change for the better. Good luck!

[Cuse0323]

Daytona Beach.

Wish I thanked the state attorney, but I was in shock, so just thanked my lawyer, and the judge. I’m still baffled. Was completely fine with going to jail. It was well deserved. I feel like I should do something positive with the mercy shown to me. I’m gonna try to get through today with no crack. Then I get paid tomorrow, and will try my best. Thing is, is that the only negative from my crack use was the legal issues. Everything else is going pretty well really. Who knows, maybe I’m blind to the problems. If I get in trouble again then there won’t be any lucking out next time, so I should be smart here. We’ll see.

[pablo222]

Good to hear cuse. Stay out of trouble.

[pattymayo]

Fascinating thread, Cuser. Glad to hear you're managing. I feel like your stories and antidotes are lost on most guys here, they just say the same "man up and stop doing it!" BS. If only it were that easy. Reading your posts, I'm wired similarly to you -- I can only thank a stable upbringing on why I'm not on the streets or dead yet. But for me, it's still a constant struggle with gambling and drinking at 32 years old.

From one addict to the next.. I have no advice or story for you that you don't already know. One day things will click for you, and things will make a little more sense ---- or they won't, and you'll be dead. Good luck. I'll be checking in.

[Cuse0323]

Thanks patty. That’s all I really want out of the thread in the end. People to just read the stories if it’s their cup of tea. Maybe offer good luck, and that’s about it. I do already know the deal, that’s for sure. Been doing this for far too long to not understand how this works. I don’t remember much of what I wrote, so maybe I did cry for help. But, the only one that’s gonna help me, is me.

I do appreciate the advice from people who have been there like Jaker. I’m always open to hear thoughts, and ideas, as I definitely don’t know everything. Every now and then, something said to me will stick because it’s an angle I haven’t thought of yet, or thought enough about.

The thing that keeps me off of opiates, and boozing like before is playing the whole tape through. Simple advice, that is said a lot, but when I heard it at my first rehab at 22 it’s the only thing that really stuck with me. Of course I didn’t really listen to it back then, but it always stuck with me. You really do have to remember the whole story. Not just the beginning, or the fun parts. I have to remember the sick days. The times laying in bed unable to move, just agonizing every second as you wait for the clock to finally hit the time that you can get right. Laying in my bed 24 hours a day with my large cup next to me full of vomit because I can’t keep the booze down anymore.

It makes me sick to think about my alcoholism. It was brutally bad. I’m really disgusted even thinking about a drink. It doesn’t taste good, or even make me feel good anymore. My body is so shot from it that I think it’s basically allergic now. Just doesn’t go down well at all now. I have to get to that point with crack.

I do think it’s negatively affecting my health pretty substantial. My heart doesn’t feel well. I feel weak after smoking, and just not right. Like I’m not getting enough oxygen pumped around, and shit. The day after is depressing. I just want to sleep all day, and don’t feel like I can even stand up. I think I’m actually starting to get bored of it. The high isn’t even that great, and it’s gone by the time you blow the hit out basically.

My check sucked for some reason, even with Thanksgiving, so after paying my loan off, I only had 40 bucks to spend. My boy wasn’t there thankfully, so I lucked out, and am back home instead of aimlessly driving around. Can just relax instead of stress about getting in trouble. Got jewed on a 40, so about out already. I’ll just pop my heart meds in a bit, and try to sleep. Fun fun. Can’t really take a loan out again until Friday, so maybe by then I’ll decide against blowing it all. I should buy some Christmas present instead. We shall see. I think my mindset is shifting a little bit though. The lifestyle is stressing me out, and I’m not even enjoying myself anymore.

[MickeyMan]

What’s Shaky been up to?

[BeatTheJerk]

Cuse how old are you ?

[PittsburghPlayer]

he is about 30 or 32 BTJ

[BeatTheJerk]

he is about 30 or 32 BTJ

Thanks Pitt.

[winnerloser]

i dont know you but probably a lot

[BeatTheJerk]

i dont know you but probably a lot

So 4 months past & 20 pages later you answer his original question, solid contribution by you sir.

[PittsburghPlayer]

As his legal problems appear to be over, I want to know what kind of dog or dogs grow crack between their toes?
and is there a breed that grows weed?

[Cuse0323]

31. Pablo, I’m trying here, but SBR is taking their sweet fckin time. Still not paid. Unbelievable that someone can’t take 30 seconds to send me my money. It’s been damn near two weeks. Pretty shit business, if you ask me. I haven’t forgot you though.

[BeatTheJerk]

31. Pablo, I’m trying here, but SBR is taking their sweet fckin time. Still not paid. Unbelievable that someone can’t take 30 seconds to send me my money. It’s been damn near two weeks. Pretty shit business, if you ask me. I haven’t forgot you though.

Feels/sounds like Sportsbook.com back in the day for me. Slow af or stall tactics galore.
(Shame) I know you need this money bro.

[Cuse0323]

I don’t need it to survive really. Just would like to be able to gamble. Missing winners everyday. I was able to get a hundo in, but took a shot with the Bills, and missed. Not sure how I’d even get BTC cashed out anyway. For whatever reason, I can’t seem to link up my bank to any site.

[Bostongambler]

Something sure smells fishy.

[Okieirish]

Thanks patty. That’s all I really want out of the thread in the end. People to just read the stories if it’s their cup of tea. Maybe offer good luck, and that’s about it. I do already know the deal, that’s for sure. Been doing this for far too long to not understand how this works. I don’t remember much of what I wrote, so maybe I did cry for help. But, the only one that’s gonna help me, is me.

I do appreciate the advice from people who have been there like Jaker. I’m always open to hear thoughts, and ideas, as I definitely don’t know everything. Every now and then, something said to me will stick because it’s an angle I haven’t thought of yet, or thought enough about.

The thing that keeps me off of opiates, and boozing like before is playing the whole tape through. Simple advice, that is said a lot, but when I heard it at my first rehab at 22 it’s the only thing that really stuck with me. Of course I didn’t really listen to it back then, but it always stuck with me. You really do have to remember the whole story. Not just the beginning, or the fun parts. I have to remember the sick days. The times laying in bed unable to move, just agonizing every second as you wait for the clock to finally hit the time that you can get right. Laying in my bed 24 hours a day with my large cup next to me full of vomit because I can’t keep the booze down anymore.

It makes me sick to think about my alcoholism. It was brutally bad. I’m really disgusted even thinking about a drink. It doesn’t taste good, or even make me feel good anymore. My body is so shot from it that I think it’s basically allergic now. Just doesn’t go down well at all now. I have to get to that point with crack.

I do think it’s negatively affecting my health pretty substantial. My heart doesn’t feel well. I feel weak after smoking, and just not right. Like I’m not getting enough oxygen pumped around, and shit. The day after is depressing. I just want to sleep all day, and don’t feel like I can even stand up. I think I’m actually starting to get bored of it. The high isn’t even that great, and it’s gone by the time you blow the hit out basically.

My check sucked for some reason, even with Thanksgiving, so after paying my loan off, I only had 40 bucks to spend. My boy wasn’t there thankfully, so I lucked out, and am back home instead of aimlessly driving around. Can just relax instead of stress about getting in trouble. Got jewed on a 40, so about out already. I’ll just pop my heart meds in a bit, and try to sleep. Fun fun. Can’t really take a loan out again until Friday, so maybe by then I’ll decide against blowing it all. I should buy some Christmas present instead. We shall see. I think my mindset is shifting a little bit though. The lifestyle is stressing me out, and I’m not even enjoying myself anymore.

There are 2 different directions things can go. Maybe you should pray about it. Years and years of addiction will eventually end badly. Everybody has a vice of some kind. Doing the amount of booze and drugs you have done would have killed most people. But, you are still here. There has to be a reason for that. Think how much money you would have if you were not using? Your past does not determine your future.

[stevek173]

I’m gonna try to get through today with no crack.

Wow, what lofty goals.

Good to see things are coming along for you.

[allabout the $$$]

Wow, what lofty goals.

Good to see things are coming along for you.

whats your goals for today

let me guess drive by the middle school and high school

[pablo222]

Don't worry about it Cuse. I know you are good for it.
Rooting for you to stay out of trouble.
When the partying isnt fun anymore and the next day is hell, it is time to take a new approach.

[pablo222]

Wow, what lofty goals.

Good to see things are coming along for you.

Shouldn't you be roaming around at truck stops "recruiting truckers"?

[stevek173]

That's actually my end game here.

I was hoping to get Cuse hired but something tells me his hair follicle test could get....complicated.

[Cuse0323]

There are 2 different directions things can go. Maybe you should pray about it. Years and years of addiction will eventually end badly. Everybody has a vice of some kind. Doing the amount of booze and drugs you have done would have killed most people. But, you are still here. There has to be a reason for that. Think how much money you would have if you were not using? Your past does not determine your future.

I think I’m gonna meet my maker soon. It is what it is. Two decades of drug abuse, and alcoholism being capped off with a crack addiction ain’t a good recipe. I feel like death. Blasted through 3 grams since 8 o’clock last night. Not feeling all that well. Some other shit happened, but don’t feel like getting into it. If I don’t post again, then I finally croaked. I’m cool with it at this point. Unfortunately for me, I don’t think God has it in his plans to give me the easy way out. Death would be lovely right about now. Drank a fifth too for whatever reason, and I’ll be feeling it for days. I just ended up at the liquor store. Didn’t really even think it through, just did it. Got my nut off though, so there’s that.

[Okieirish]

I think I’m gonna meet my maker soon. It is what it is. Two decades of drug abuse, and alcoholism being capped off with a crack addiction ain’t a good recipe. I feel like death. Blasted through 3 grams since 8 o’clock last night. Not feeling all that well. Some other shit happened, but don’t feel like getting into it. If I don’t post again, then I finally croaked. I’m cool with it at this point. Unfortunately for me, I don’t think God has it in his plans to give me the easy way out. Death would be lovely right about now. Drank a fifth too for whatever reason, and I’ll be feeling it for days. I just ended up at the liquor store. Didn’t really even think it through, just did it. Got my nut off though, so there’s that.

You need a couple days off the drugs and booze. Will you feel worse if you do that ?

[pablo222]

Cuse you have to string a few days of being clean and hopefully you can build off that.

You always say that the highs aren't that good and the lows are awful. Fight those demons bro.

Ton of guys around here want to see you live a better life.

You are a good dude.

Cuser OVERPAID me back on a favor I did for him, after I told him not to OVERPAY.

Solid move pal and it shows your character. Wish you the best buddy.

[SnakesPicks]

Wow.

[Cuse0323]

Cuse you have to string a few days of being clean and hopefully you can build off that.

You always say that the highs aren't that good and the lows are awful. Fight those demons bro.

Ton of guys around here want to see you live a better life.

You are a good dude.

Cuser OVERPAID me back on a favor I did for him, after I told him not to OVERPAY.

Solid move pal and it shows your character. Wish you the best buddy.

No worries. It was only fair. I’ve won a decent amount of money here thanks to you spotting me to go pro. Then I slow paid like crazy, even buying BTC when I had the points. You never once said a word about it. I appreciate everything.

I’ve been clean since Monday, so it’s a start. I have no plans to use tonight either. I smashed up my brake light and dented the rear of my mom’s car when I backed up into my neighbors big ass spare tire jutting out into the road. So, my next paycheck will all be going to that. That should help keep me clean. I think I can get some momentum going here, and then hopefully the urge to use will slowly subside.

I’m gonna give it a shot. I really wanna save up money. Would like to be able to do things, especially gamble. If the Bruins win tonight, then I can get a hundo of BTC. Thanks to you again for sending me the 500. I lost the money from the contest already. Steelers took a big chunk, then the Bruins blowing it late against the Kings finished me off. I’m still pissed it took so long to get paid, and fcked me outta winners. Oh well. New goal is to just keep hammering SBR for BTC. Other than that, I would like to get back to the Cuse to see my girl, and the few homies I have. There’s so much more to do than smoke up everything I work for.