1. #1
    pronk
    pronk's Avatar Become A Pro!
    Join Date: 11-22-08
    Posts: 6,887
    Betpoints: 26

    This will make your day...

    Real letter to the bank manager from very unhappy customer


    Dear Bank Manager,

    I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been inplace for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways.

    You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2005, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
    To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
    First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
    Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorised contact at your bank, the only person with whom I willhave any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice.By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:
    1. To make an appointment to see me
    2. To query a missing repayment
    3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
    4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received.
    5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.
    6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
    7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
    8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
    9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8.
    The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answeringservice. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration.
    This month I`ve chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:

    "Oh, the banks are made of marble
    With a guard at every door
    And the vaults are filled with silver
    That the miners sweated for"

    After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn`t come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
    May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.

    Your humble client

    John Doe




    http://www.sportsbookreview.com/forum/saloon/971...-break-p1.html

  2. #2
    pronk
    pronk's Avatar Become A Pro!
    Join Date: 11-22-08
    Posts: 6,887
    Betpoints: 26

    A certain English lady visited Switzerland and was having difficulty finding a room, so she asked the local schoolmaster to help her. After a satisfactory room had been found, she returned to her home and did some packing.Suddenly, it occured to her that she hadn`t noticed a W.C. (in England, the toilet is called a Water Closet), so she wrote the schoolmaster about the W.C.The Schoolmaster, not knowing the meaning, asked the parish priest and together they decided that it must mean "Wayside Chapel." He wrote her the following letter:

    "Dear Madame,

    It is my pleasure to inform you that there is a W.C. just 9 miles from your home, in the center of a grove of pine trees. It seats 229 people, and it is open on Thursdays and Sundays. This is an unfortunate situation if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will, nodoubt, be glad to hear that some people bring their lunches and make a day of it.I would especially recommend Thursdays, for then there is an Organ accompaniment. The accoustics in the W.C. are excellent; even the most delicate sound can be heard.My son was married in the W.C. and there was such a rush for seats that 10 people had to sit in the same seat. The looks on their faces were very interesting.My wife is sickly but dedicated. She doesn`t go regularly, and she hasn`t gone for nearly a year.I will be glad to reserve a seat in the W.C. for you, where you will be seen and heard by everyone.
    Hoping I have been of some assistance.

    Sincerely yours,
    The Schoolmaster

  3. #3
    DblDeuce
    DblDeuce's Avatar Become A Pro!
    Join Date: 09-10-10
    Posts: 368

    LOL thks for sharing.

  4. #4
    Roy Halladay
    Roy Halladay's Avatar Become A Pro!
    Join Date: 09-27-10
    Posts: 1,074
    Betpoints: 20

    This is awesome..

  5. #5
    zam77
    zam77's Avatar SBR PRO
    Join Date: 11-03-10
    Posts: 3,586
    Betpoints: 687

    Good stuff... both are hilarious.

  6. #6
    big joe 1212
    big joe 1212's Avatar Become A Pro!
    Join Date: 06-01-08
    Posts: 19,376
    Betpoints: 5365

    it was good in the first paragraph, but dies out.

  7. #7
    BettingGeek
    SBR PRO
    BettingGeek's Avatar Become A Pro!
    Join Date: 10-07-10
    Posts: 3,555

    Quote Originally Posted by zam77 View Post
    Good stuff... both are hilarious.
    ditto

  8. #8
    excel
    unapproved
    excel's Avatar Become A Pro!
    Join Date: 03-25-10
    Posts: 4,270

    They were ok, wonder if the bank one went anywhere?

  9. #9
    OneLossParlayGuy
    OneLossParlayGuy's Avatar Become A Pro!
    Join Date: 04-27-10
    Posts: 815
    Betpoints: 1464

    ha..veyr nice

  10. #10
    shawnkang
    shawnkang's Avatar Become A Pro!
    Join Date: 01-14-10
    Posts: 547
    Betpoints: 90

    funny stuff. thanks for posting.

  11. #11
    SBRMAN23
    Be humble sit down
    SBRMAN23's Avatar Become A Pro!
    Join Date: 01-07-11
    Posts: 6,901
    Betpoints: 1448

    Lmao.long but good stuff

  12. #12
    JMobile
    CM Punk -1000.5 (100X)
    JMobile's Avatar Become A Pro!
    Join Date: 08-21-10
    Posts: 19,064
    Betpoints: 26848

    funny......

  13. #13
    WvGambler
    WvGambler's Avatar Become A Pro!
    Join Date: 04-19-10
    Posts: 11,618
    Betpoints: 150

    har har har har

  14. #14
    Giuvara
    Giuvara's Avatar Become A Pro!
    Join Date: 03-15-10
    Posts: 873
    Betpoints: 3033

    Only a Brit could confuse the toilet with the chapel and not only by name.

  15. #15
    DDalton21
    DDalton21's Avatar Become A Pro!
    Join Date: 04-06-11
    Posts: 83

    Thanks

  16. #16
    frankzig
    frankzig's Avatar SBR PRO
    Join Date: 10-26-09
    Posts: 2,249
    Betpoints: 3622

    funny stuff from our neighbors across the pond

  17. #17
    thirtytwo
    thirtytwo's Avatar Become A Pro!
    Join Date: 01-07-10
    Posts: 1,784
    Betpoints: 72

    that was pretty good

  18. #18
    str
    Nothing's easy
    str's Avatar SBR PRO
    Join Date: 01-12-09
    Posts: 9,896
    Betpoints: 68195

    I hate banks and what they do to people .

    They truly make me want to puke.

  19. #19
    callysz
    callysz's Avatar Become A Pro!
    Join Date: 01-16-10
    Posts: 370
    Betpoints: 9185

    A little taste of their own medicine I'd say...

  20. #20
    Carseller4
    Carseller4's Avatar SBR PRO
    Join Date: 10-22-09
    Posts: 19,627
    Betpoints: 4805

    Banks screw with people all the time....hold the deposit just long enough to let debits mess with your account. Standard procedure.

  21. #21
    305GURU
    305GURU's Avatar Become A Pro!
    Join Date: 10-04-10
    Posts: 1,038

    banks are crooks and always make mistakes and will try to screw u with penalties any chance they get

  22. #22
    CashItIn
    CashItIn's Avatar Become A Pro!
    Join Date: 09-05-09
    Posts: 462

    lawl

  23. #23
    GoIrish682
    GoIrish682's Avatar Become A Pro!
    Join Date: 11-05-10
    Posts: 246

    excellent job

    what ever happend?

  24. #24
    LegitBet
    steelers
    LegitBet's Avatar Become A Pro!
    Join Date: 05-25-10
    Posts: 538

    Ehhh a little long for my taste as a 'get back at them' zinger but I appreciate the idea

  25. #25
    xlilsp1keyx
    xlilsp1keyx's Avatar Become A Pro!
    Join Date: 11-03-10
    Posts: 557
    Betpoints: 115

    pretty long paragraphs, lol. really lazy to read. cliff notes?

  26. #26
    VegasVixen
    Update your status
    VegasVixen's Avatar Become A Pro!
    Join Date: 09-03-10
    Posts: 991
    Betpoints: 1357

    Thanks for sharing

  27. #27
    pronk
    pronk's Avatar Become A Pro!
    Join Date: 11-22-08
    Posts: 6,887
    Betpoints: 26

    Advertising ad:

    $10,000
    '06 Suzuki GSXR 1000
    Farmington, UT 84025
    2006 Suzuki 1000.
    This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service (Expensive). It's been adult ridden; all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought.
    Call: Steve 555-1212
    Last edited by pronk; 04-18-11 at 05:36 PM.

  28. #28
    pico
    USC ml
    pico's Avatar Become A Pro!
    Join Date: 04-05-07
    Posts: 27,321
    Betpoints: 1634

    the guy won't get anywhere with the bank letter.

Top