1. #1
    Awilliamson19
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    Ethan Albright letter to John Madden!(FUNNIEST SHIT EVER!!)

    This is copy and pasted from http://loot-ninja.com/2007/08/23/a-l...than-albright/ .. I DID NOT WRITE THIS! Im sure the "bad" words are *** out on here , so for the full effect , click on the link above and read it over there..

    Edit: I changed **** to fukk so that you wouldnt have to deal with the **** .. enjoy!

    I saw this posted on one of my buddies facebook pages and this is the absolute funniest thing ive EVER read. True or not , this is funny as hell. I hope you all enjoy it.





    In the many hours logged playing Madden, have you ever wondered how the players feel about their various rankings. This is a supposed letter from Ethan Albright, the Washington Redskins long snapper who is the lowest rated player in the game. Could this be fake, maybe, but I know that the side splitting humor is very real. Enjoy.
    To: John Madden
    CC: Electronic Arts Sports
    From: Ethan Albright
    Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07
    Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is fukking bullshit and you should kiss my mother-fukking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

    You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fukking 12. I rate you a fukking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom.


    It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. fukk, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shit teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?
    I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. fukk, man, there are some shitty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.
    I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash through a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut.


    John, you are such a fukking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a fukking zero? So you feel that I shouldn’t even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn’t even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my fukkking face. fukk that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a – 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.


    Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). fukk me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I’m at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.


    I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I’m a fukking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass fuckwad that can’t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

    fukk you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fukk with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

    Rot in Hell,
    Ethan Albright
    Last edited by Awilliamson19; 05-18-11 at 01:51 AM.

  2. #2
    CanuckG
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    Hahahahahaha good read
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  3. #3
    $Burm$
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    ain't this from a while back?

  4. #4
    freeVICK
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    Lolol

  5. #5
    Awilliamson19
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    2007 I believe.. Wasn't sure who all had seen it as I just saw for the first time last week..just figured people would enjoy it if they haven't seen it.

  6. #6
    StraitShooter
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    pretty neat..could be real..could be hoax..but lotsa true info

    Rod Smart was a pretty decent RB btw

  7. #7
    mikejamm
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    Never seen this until now, great read, funny shit! You can't blame Albright for giving Madden and EA Sports some shit though, I'd be pissed too, if I was given the lowest rating there is on Madden NFL!

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  8. #8
    Iced
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    Quote Originally Posted by Awilliamson19 View Post
    I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). fukk me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen.
    I've read this before but this part always gets me to laugh.

    And yeah, definitely fake.

  9. #9
    JMobile
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    This was a good laugh.

  10. #10
    goofyre
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    This is hilarious. I'd never seen it til just now.
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  11. #11
    EaglesPhan36
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  12. #12
    sonnyhowitzer
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    damn and i thought guys just didn't want to be on the front cover lol.

  13. #13
    Swinging Johnson
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    That was Albright’s player value rating in Madden 2007, the lowest for any player in the game. Albright, who is “not a big Madden video game guy,” couldn’t have cared less. But then some wise guys in the blogosphere went and penned a mock letter from Albright to John Madden - “You lose it more and more each year, old man” - and set it loose in cyberspace.

    “I agreed with every word they had to say,” Albright says sarcastically. “I thought it was funny.”


    Washington Times http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/...gments/?page=2
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  14. #14
    jgray
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    Even though it's fake it's pretty funny.

  15. #15
    Awilliamson19
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    Haha yeah I dont care if its fake or not , this shit is funny. "Fukk me sideways with a lunchbox." <-- I literally laughed untill I cried reading this. I wonder if John has read this thing? Im just imagining him reading that line .. hahaha.

  16. #16
    Wiggums5
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    good read. fukk me sideways with a lunchbox was the best.

  17. #17
    Awilliamson19
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    Hahaha I agree. I loved that quote.

  18. #18
    dynamite140
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    Whoa
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