In a twist of fate that no one could have seen coming, Brett Favre has reneged on his promise of playing the upcoming 2010-11 NFL season with the Minnesota Vikings and instead plans to return to his alma mater. That’s right, this fall Brett Favre will be returning as starting QB for the NCAA’s Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles.
Through a rarely-used “regression” clause in the NCAA rulebook Brett Favre has been awarded one extra year of college eligibility.
The regression clause stipulates that if a former NCAA Division I player has shown through their actions “a complete and utter lack of education that they had once received” as well as a complete “lack of common sense, decency or basic sense of what is right-and-wrong” then that player may return for one more year of classes and athletic achievement. This rarely used clause has only been used twice in the past: in 2009 Maurice Clarett was allowed to return to Ohio State and in 1999 Rae Carruth was declared eligible to return to Colorado (that invitation was later revoked after he was found guilty of planning to kill the Dean, the Dean’s wife and the Dean’s children via drive-by shooting, for no apparent reason).
When pressed as to why he would rather forego a possible $20 million dollar one-year contract for another shot at the college game, Favre responded with a simple “I dunno.”
After initially hearing about the NCAA’s ruling however, Favre was ecstatic: “You know, I like just being a dang’ kid out there and throwing these balls to dem dang kids…well that’s just danged special” Favre announced to the packed conference room at the Hattiesburg Motel 8. “When I heard they’d let me play another year, why, I just about pulled the trigger and shot my cousin square in the jaw I did. I think I might have crapped in my Wranglers though.”
Leading online sportsbook BetEd.com was quick to change their college football rankings and BCS National Championship odds. Southern Miss is now listed at -1500 to win the C-USA and -110 to make it to a major Bowl game. When reached for comment betED.com VIP Manager Mike Dennis stated, “We might have to create a special ‘Will Brett Favre throw a crucial interception in a Bowl Game’ prop bet, but it might get so much action it will overload our servers,” before chuckling to himself “I cannot believe he did that. What a douche move.”
While Minnesota Vikings fans may be aghast over Favre’s decision and the prospect of putting their hopes on the shoulders of Tavaris Jackson, television networks are excited over the possible revenue streams and increase in viewership he will undoubtedly bring the C-USA conference. “My God, can you imagine? The ratings will be through the roof!” exclaimed ABC network Executive Ted Leonberg before following up “Does anyone know if Hattiesburg has electricity?”
Vikings players were less enthusiastic. Defensive End Jared Allen angrily threw a chair against his locker upon hearing the news, while receiver Sidney Rice repeatedly paced back and forth while yelling “NO ONE WILL DRAFT ME IN FANTASY LEAGUES NOW!” over and over.
Minnesota Vikings coach Brad Childress was unavailable for comment but is presumed dead. Suicide has been declared the cause-of-death-if-indeed-dead.
Incumbent Golden Eagles QB Austin Davis had mixed emotions: “On the one hand I’m kind of sad that I will be missing out on starting my Junior year and just playing with the guys. But then again, I will be able to learn from one of the best. I mean, when I throw an interception I get so angry and work harder every day to make sure it never happens again, but Brett can really teach me how to not care about careless turnovers. Plus, I always get caught when I text pictures of ‘Little Austin’ to girls, but Brett seems to be pretty good at it.”
When asked about what aspect of playing alongside Favre most excited him number one receiver Jonathan Massey gave an unexpected reply. “Oh that’s easy. I mean I know he can help us win games and possibly a national championship, but I’m most excited to be carried on his shoulders after a touchdown. That’s something they just don’t teach in Division I anymore.”