Yesterday I broke down my AFC Divisional Futures, and when the dust settled, they were pretty predictable. I ended up playing three of four favorites, but in my defense, it is pretty tough to see anyone beating out New England, Pittsburgh and San Diego. Today, all hell breaks loose as I predict the final NFC standings. There is not one single favorite on my card, and to be quite honest, I’m a bit frightened. But not frightened enough to not go through with it.

NFC EAST

Philadelphia +175
NY Giants +190
Dallas +210
Washington +575

Let’s just kick off the East with a huge upset, shall we? The Washington Redskins are my choice here, and yes, I have to be completely insane to put a season-long bet on a team led by Jason Campbell. I just have a feeling that this offense could be uncharacteristically efficient this season. Santana Moss and Antwaan Raldle El will set the tone for the passing game, as Clinton Portis hopes to remain healthy and carry the load on the ground. The biggest improvement I’m looking for from the Skins however is on the other side of the ball.

Big Albert Haynesworth hit it big when he signed a $100 million contract with Washington. Now he will look to give his new team a taste of the dominant defense that he left behind in Tennessee. This is a defense that was already ranked fourth last season, giving up only 288.8 yds/g. Behind an invigorated D and a passing grade offense, I’m predicting good things from Washington. Besides, I have faith in Head Coach Turner, er, Schottenheimer, er, Spurrier, er, Gibbs, er Zorn – Head Coach Jim Zorn. I think he is the real deal.

Hey hey hey! It’s Big Albert!


A head coach that I do not trust is Andy Reid in Philly. I mean was there any funnier moment than last year when his team was not aware that a regular season game could end in a tie? This was better comedy than being stoned at a Chris Rock show. And it’s just a matter of time before the team morale meltdown begins as fans and media turn on poor Donovan McNabb once again. They will rally to get the dog-killer (Vick) on the field, but to be honest, they did the same thing with Koy Detmer. Philly fans are funny.

I have nothing against the Giants. They seem like a nice enough team and I’m sure they will win some games here and there, but I’m calling this out as the season that the Mannings go down. That includes both Peyton and Eli. Their offense doesn’t look like it is going to put the fear of God into anyone. On the other side of the ball, they get back defensive end stud Osi Umenyiora, who missed all of last year to knee surgery. Even still they were the NFL’s fifth-best defense. The Giants season will probably mimic Baltimore’s: A handful of 12-0 type victories. Load up on the Under for both teams.

Finally no Terrell Owens or Jessica Simpson in Dallas to interfere with Tony Romo and Jason Witten’s love affair. God it’s going to be fun watching this team lose games.

NFC NORTH

Minnesota +140
Green Bay +185
Chicago +190
Detroit +2000

Who are all of these people sipping the Brett Favre Kool-Aid? Have these very same people not watched the Indecisive One play the past five years? Favre is done. Finished. Kaput. Of course he is still a step up over the incumbent, Tarvaris Jackson, but with Favre’s beat up old body, I expect to see Jackson running the show again before you know it. Adrian Peterson is the best back in football, but he will not be able to do it all alone.

So it comes down to a decision between Green Bay and Chicago, and for me, there was no decision at all. I’m looking for big things this year from up-and-coming Aaron Rodgers and the Packers. With contributions from Ryan Grant, Donald Driver and Greg Jennings, Green Bay could field an impressive offense this year. Sure, Chicago made some nice acquisitions with Jay Cutler and Orlando Pace, but I can’t see the Bears being an above average squad.

And then there are the Lions, seemingly looking for their first win since Lincoln was in office. I asked Jim Mora about their 2008 season and he only said “We sucked. We sucked. It was a horse ass performance. Horse ass!” Oh my. I guess I won’t be tempted by those nice odds then, Jim. I will pile on with a Lions joke though!

What do the Detroit Lions and Billy Graham have in common? They can both make 60,000 people stand up and yell “Jesus Christ!”

NFC SOUTH

New Orleans +130
Atlanta +165
Carolina +250
Tampa Bay +1000

Atlanta already had one of the best young 1-2 punch combos in the league with Matt Ryan and Michael Turner. Then they went and got Ryan a valuable gift. As Fouts had Winslow Sr., Aikman had Novacek and Elway had Sharpe, Ryan now has Tony Gonzalez. They went out and got their promising young quarterback the greatest receiving tight end of all time. That was awfully nice of them.

Gonzalez holds NFL records for most career TDs (76), career receptions (916) and reception yards (10,940) by a tight end. This will be the difference-maker as the Falcons outscore opponents on a weekly basis on the way to the South title.

Difference-Maker


Another team that is sure to be involved in several high-scoring shootouts is New Orleans. Drew Brees was amazing in 2008, leading the league in TD’s (34) and yards (5,069). In classic Boomer Esiason fashion, all of those quarterback stats produced only .500 ball. I’m not sure what is supposed to be different this season.

I think that the defending South champ Panthers will be right there at the end once again, but just that Atlanta has become a better team.

What can I say about Tampa Bay? Well, quite a bit actually. So much that I’ll devote an entire piece to the Yuckaneers tomorrow. Why are they only +1000??

NFC WEST

Arizona +100
Seattle +175
San Francisco +375
St. Louis +1000

Let’s end these predictions with another wacky play. Last year I was a fool and picked the 49ers. This year, I am a fool once again. Shame on me? We shall see. I’m a believer that San Fran can improve on last season’s second place 7-9 finish. They will be going with Shaun Hill at quarterback. He has himself some weapons in Josh Morgan, Isaac Bruce, Vernon Davis and Frank Gore. Should 10th overall pick Michael Crabtree sign, they will become even more dangerous.

My backing of San Francisco stems from two factors. 1) I think that the team is motivated under Coach Mike Singletary. He has brought a winning attitude to his young team. 2) I think the rest of the West is going to be dreadful.

Singletary is a winner
Arizona made it all the way to the Super Bowl last year in spite of their ineffective defense (26.6 ppg allowed). That’s the good news. The bad news is that Kurt Warner, who is already older than your average crossing guard, is coming off of hip surgery and a new contract. Will he be able to get the ball to his extremely talented receivers with the same regularity as last year? I’m guessing no. And if the Cardinals aren’t able to put up more points than their defense is allowing, that even money play becomes useless.

Seattle was 4-12 a year ago. Some say they majorly underachieved. I’m asking what improvements they made. Acquiring T.J. Houshmandzadeh? Funny, I don’t seem scared.

St. Louis has a beat up quarterback, unproven receivers and a disgustingly horrible defense. Thanks, but I’ll pass.