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UNKNOWN CAPPER'S Official SBR Week in Review!
Now that the Unknown Capper has become the new #1 NCAA Football Handicapper on this Forum, the SBR people asked me if I would write a brief summary on the past week's news and notes in the gambling world. I, of course, told them 'no,' because the Unknown Capper plays by his own rules and answers to nobody. But then I thought of you, my followers, and how you all starve for my wit and wisdom. So this, my children, is for you.
Cappers Steele and Lawrence 'Green-Lit' by Feared Gambling Gang
After continuing their dismal college football season, so-called professional cappers Marc Lawrence and Phil Steele have officially been green-lit by the ruthless Mexican Gambling Gang, The Nacho Teasers. The gang has tailed the two cappers all season and are down an estimated 27,000,000,000 pesos, equivalent to $1100 U.S. Dollars. At this point, both cappers are in hiding in fear for their life, but will still publish their worthless newsletters from an underground printing press.
Justin7's Pickmaster 5000 Sent to China for Repairs
After a losing week, SBR Tech Wizard Justin7 sent his Commodore Pickmaster 5000 computer handicapper back to the lab for repairs where it was created in central China. Lukky Sukky Dragon Computer Manufacturers is located in Wuhan, China a small farming village of 4.5 million citizens. Though the technology for the Pickmaster 5000 was developed in China, it is believed the the Lukky Sukky Dragon executives decided to forgo cheap Chinese labor and used even cheaper Ethiopian workers, and that may be why there are flaws. Justin7 said he may return the device and while it is not eligible for a cash refund, he will receive full store credit and have to pay only a small restocking fee.
Zero of Michigan's Big 3 Teams Cover, State Loses 2.6 Million More Jobs
Because none of the State of Michigan's top 3 college programs were able to cover the spread on Saturday, local business owners who bet on their beloved teams lost a collected $195 million on Saturday, forcing many to lay off employees, thus adding to the economic catastrophe in the once moderately-tolerable state. Michigan Wolverine fan Claude Ruther laid off 8 employees from his salon, The Ann Arbor Barber. Ruther bet the ML on the Wolverines Saturday with a local bookie, and supposedly lost $27000 and his left pinkie. It was a two-team 6-pt teaser with Michigan St. and C. Michigan that cost 31 workers their jobs at Flint, Michigan's only High-End Clothing store, Marshalls. Local Marshalls franchisee Abdul-Rahim Goldberg said he knew that if the teaser lost, he'd be forced to close down the store, but was tired of the daily robberies and murders that occur in every Flint area business anyway.
Now that you're up to date with the Weekend's news, keep your eye out for the Unknown Capper's selections for next week. You know you can't wait.
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Originally Posted by Sirus73
