All across the SEC, fans are crying. That's because Mike Shula is no longer the football coach of the University of Alabama.
This is all the more surprising because 11 of the 12 fan bases in the SEC were fervent Shula supporters. Why? Because Shula had redefined the field goal kicking legacy at Alabama. There was talk that soon the Lou Groza Award was going to be renamed in Shula's honor. Now that's completely out the window. So sad.
Gone will be the steely-eyed indecision, the clenched-jaw before reckless handoffs into the center of the line, the fetal position as the preferred method to keep from fumbling, and the coach who you knew, no matter what, would find a way to lose each game that he trailed in the fourth quarter.
Some people say that reliability is a thing of the past. I say that's balderdash. There was no surer bet than Mike Shula losing when he trailed in the fourth quarter.
The guys behind keepmikeshula.com are, predictably, in mourning. Even though the site isn't draped with pixelated black bunting, it should be. Here is part of their advice on how to cope:
"Perhaps you feel that the Bear isn't listening -- that often your cries for help seem to be unheeded. Your heart echoes the cries of despair and desolation of the ghosts of Bama past, who kept calling out to Bear for deliverance. Remember that that Bear answered them, sometimes in unexpected ways, and not always while sober. Sometimes, of course, you are meant to raise your crimson shaker and mix up a fresh George Dickel your own damn self!"
It's readily apparent that Alabama fans have reacted to Shula's dismissal with characteristic rationality and the complete and utter modesty for which they have attained universal renown. The search for Shula's replacement has already commenced and rumors run rampant on the message boards as to who the new coach will be. Everyone has an inside source, a friend with connections, each message board poster is eternally the third cousin twice-removed of the guy who pilots the university plane.
Thanks to my newfound SEC street cred over the DDT, I was able to get a list of the top 11 candidates that the Alabama search committee has vetted along with their notes analyzing the pros and cons of each candidate. I have changed nothing from this list and replicate it forthwith for your own perusal:
1. Bear Bryant -- Pros: Won 14 million national championships and once wrestled a bear. Cons: Is currently still dead (confirm?).
2. Jesus Christ -- Pros: Once rose from the dead, ergo long hours are not going to be an issue. Healed the sick, made fish for thousands, and other miracles. Plus, He has been crucified so being burned in effigy after He loses to Auburn for the sixth consecutive year will not be a big deal. Cons: There have been suggestions that He gets the benefit of the doubt because of who His father is. And we've been through that already.
3. Bear Bryant -- Pros: Won 14 million national championships and once wrestled a bear. Cons: After diligent inquiry, body exhumation and shock treatment to remains, sadly, the Bear remains dead.
4. Moses -- Pros: Pretty strong disciplinarian. Was involved in the Ten Commandments. Cons: Rigid adherence to the Ten Commandments makes recruiting harder. Also, he has a beard. The Bear did not have a beard.
5. Shelley Meyer -- Pros: Is rumored to be the brains behind Florida coach Urban Meyer. This could help us in recruiting by dividing the Meyer family. Plus, since we passed on hiring a black coach, it would be quite a splash to hire football's first female coach. We'd be like that school that hired Goldie Hawn. And we all know how good Wesley Snipes ended up playing for her. Cons: Is a woman. The Bear was not a woman.
6. Bill Belichick -- Pros: Supposedly this Super Bowl is sort of a big deal. He's won three of them. Cons: Bear Bryant would have won, conservatively, 33 million Super Bowls if he had coached in the NFL.
7. Tim Tebow -- Pros: Player-managers have been successful in baseball, why not a scholarship athlete-coach? We'd be revolutionary. The football equivalent of the electric toothbrush. Cons: Tim Tebow doesn't like us.
8. Ed Orgeron -- Pros: Almost as unintelligible as the Bear when he speaks. Cons: Could be charged with several felonies on any given Saturday.
9. That coach from the Friday Night Lights television show -- Pros: Proves to everyone that Alabama can think outside the box (and inside the teletube box, too). That we're able to adapt to new paradigms. That we understand the long tail and how it impacts the rapidity of globalization. (Insert other new-agey business terms here to sound smart for media.) Cons: Football games aren't won with newfangled contraptions like the video cassette recorder or helmets. Everyone knows they're won with houndstooth hats.
10. Tom Berenger -- Pros: Actually played the Bear in a recent movie and is still alive. Also played Jake Taylor in Major League so he knows the importance of turning a losing team around. Cons: Is currently slated to star in the movie The Christmas Miracle of Jonathan Toomey. Everyone knows there has only ever been one Christmas Miracle and we aren't even willing to hire Jesus. How would the boosters react?
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Who wants the Bama job?
Originally Posted by jim
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