[Da Manster!]

some quick Q & A jokes....

Q: How do you break an Italian guy's finger?!
A: Punch him in the nose!

Q:What's the difference between a Jew and a Pizza?!
A: A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven!

Q: How was copper wire invented?!
A: Two Jews fighting over a penny!

Q: What do you name a Jewish guy's daughter?!
A: Penny!

Q: Why do most Jewish guys wear plain yarmulke on their heads?!
A: Because the propellers are extra!

Q: How do the Greeks seperate the "Men" from the "Boys"?!
A: With a crowbar!

Q: What is the Greek Army's Motto?!
A: "Lets attack from the rear!!!"

Q: Why do most Greek men have moustaches?!
A: They want to take after their moms!

Q: Why do tampons have strings on them?!
A: So the crabs can go bungee jumping!

Q: Part 2..why do tampons have strings on them?!
A: So you can floss after you eat!

[stevek173]

This thread is becoming all time good, in my opinion.

Keep it up, fellas. I will distribute more points as I win them.

[Foxx]

Q: Why did Mrs Clause file for divorce?

A: Santa only comes once a year.

[Da Manster!]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle
and came upon a restaurant operated by a
fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and
looked over the menu....

+Tourist: $5.00

+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+Fried Explorer: $15.00

+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00


The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of sh*t, it takes all morning."

[chico2663]

Jesus comes upon 3 guys at a cafe drinking coffee. The first was blind so he touched him and said now you can see. The next was in a wheelchair. He touched him and said arise you are healed. As he came to the third. The republican said if you touch me I'll sue you. I'm on social security disability and while I don't want anyone else to get it. I deserve every penny I get.

[RudyRuetigger]

did I win??

[Da Manster!]

I got many more LAWL's and LOL's jokes!...let me know if you guys like 'em and I'll keep posting...


A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

[zizoudane10]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."


The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

The guy asks, "Why do you say that?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

[Da Manster!]

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


And


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

[Da Manster!]

A blonde and a brunette are having some drinks at the local bar...It's roughly 11:00 PM and the bartender puts on the news channel...The TV Screen shows a woman getting ready to jump off a building and commit suicide!...the brunette then turns around and tells the blonde "I'll bet you $100 she jumps off and kills herself!"..."NO WAY!" says the blonde..."you're on!"...well, lo and behold, the woman on the building did indeed jump off and kill herself...The blonde breaks down and starts to cry and then reaches for her purse and gives the brunette her $100...the brunette, feeling a little guilty and ashamed, says.."I have a small confession to make..I already saw this on the 5:00 PM news earlier this afternoon and that is why I knew she was going to jump."...the blonde replies " Yeah, I saw it too, but I didn't think she was going to do it again!"

[chico2663]

What do you call a blonde with 2 black eyes? A wench that didn't shut up the first time.

[zizoudane10]

Difference between an onion and a hooker?

[chico2663]

A hillbilly and a buckeye were on opposites side of ohio river. The buckeye said how the fishing over there. The hillbilly said I ain't caught anything all day. He asked the buckeye how the fishing is on your side. The buckeye said Not worth a damn. The hillbilly said why don't you swim over here and fish on this side. The buckeye said I would like to but I got a case of diarrhea. The hillbilly said hold on I'll be right over to help you drink it.

[chico2663]

True story. One of my friends now has a show on the buzz talk show in cinti. When he was my boss way back when;he was asked to go to a xmas party. Now he bitched all day working with me because she was fat. So he is at a party and hammered. He is so drunk that she has to drive him home. She tells him that he is too drunk to walk in so she helps him up to his apt. She then tells him he is too drunk to get in bed so she takes off his clothes. Next thing he knows he comes to after about 5 minutes of having sex. He asks her hows it feel. She say feel hell you haven't even put it in. He tells her Well don't move now! Don't move NOW.

[Da Manster!]

​A guy named Penis Von Lesbian came from Austria to America to become an actor.
He went to lots of auditions, but never got a job. Finally one director took him aside and said, "Son, the only reason we're turning you away is your name. If you want to make it in this town, you gotta change the name!" But Penis Von Lesbian said "I can't do that! This is my real name!" The director said "Suit yourself!" and went on his way.
Twenty years later, their paths crossed again. The director said, "I remember you! You're Penis Von Lesbian! Did you ever get around to changing your name?" The actor said, 'Yes, and it helped! Now I go by Dick Van Dyke."

[Da Manster!]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber..."That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store & says, "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"..The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

[DwightShrute]

Difference between an onion and a hooker?

[DwightShrute]

[zizoudane10]

I never cried when I sliced up a hooker

[zizoudane10]

Not a joke, but: I saw a film a couple months ago where a woman was getting raped and she shouted "pleeeease, think of my kids!!!" and all I thought was "well that is kind of ****** up now... What a kinky bitch...."

[DwightShrute]

I never cried when I sliced up a hooker

[Da Manster!]

A hitchhiker gets picked up by a semi truck driver. the hitchhiker says "Man, what a setup you got in here!"...A four foot TV, Power windows, AC, Sunroof, etc!"...what else do you have?!"...the driver responds "watch this!"...He pointed to the back of the cab and there was a monkey in there just going about his business..Then he reaches under the seat and pulls out a baseball bat and hit the monkey as hard as he could on the head...The monkey immediately jumped up front and gave the driver a blowjob!!..."WOW!!, that's great!" the hitchhiker said..."Would you like to try it?" asked the driver..."Yes!" replied the hitchhiker..."Just don't hit me in the head as hard as you hit that monkey."

[Da Manster!]

A white police officer pulls over three black guys in a speeding car...He walks up to the car on the drivers side and tells the driver to roll down the window...As soon as the window is rolled down the officer balls up his fist and punches the black guy in the face!!..."Man, what you do that for?!!" asked the driver..."because you didn't have your license ready!"said the cop...The cop then walks over to the passenger side and tells him to roll down the window...When he rolls down the window the cop balls up his fist again and punches the black guy on the passenger side in the face as hard as he could..."Man, what did you do that for"?!!..asked the passenger...."because you didn't have the registration ready!" said the cop...finally, he goes to the back door and tells the black man in there to roll down the window...Once again, as soon as the window is rolled down, the officer makes a fist and BAM! punches him in the face also as hard as he could...The black guy in the backseat goes "Man, why did you do that?!!"...And the officer replies.."That is so when you guys are driving down the road, you don't say "I WISH THAT MUTHA F*CKA WOULD OF HIT ME!"

[eidolon]

Two jews walk into a bar.
The first one writes a check.
The second one burns the bar down.

[chico2663]

eidolon shame you didn't live in cinti. You would of got a shit load of free beer from my group as long as you kept the one liners going.

[Da Manster!]

A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

[Jeffie]

Da Manster wins the thread.

[Da Manster!]

Thanks fellas!...I've got plenty more where those came from...I'll do my best to keep the laughs going...

======================================== ====================

One day a fisherman burst into his friend's home in a panic on his way home from a sea-fishing trip.
"Jack, what in God's name has happened to you?" asked the man's buddy. "Your body has grown huge and your head has shrunk to half its normal size!"

"It's terrible" replied the fisherman "While I was out fishing, I found a mermaid stuck in my net, and when I let her go free, she said she would grant me two wishes before disappearing back into the sea. For my first wish I asked her to give me a muscular body and, as you can see, she did it.

Then, for my second wish I asked her if I could have sex with her. She wasn't too happy about that wish though, and said that anyway, she could not fulfill my wish because, as everyone knows, mermaids have no legs and do not have the kind of reproductive system that human women have. So, then I said, 'Well, how about a little head?'"

[Da Manster!]

THE BOSS...Human anatomy style!

The Brain explained that since he controlled all parts of the body, that he should be the boss!
The Legs countered that since they took the man whereever he wanted to go, they should be the boss!
The Stomach said that since he digested all the food, a necessary process, that he should be the boss!
The Eyes said that without them, man would be helpless and blind, so they should be the boss!

Then the A$$hole applied for the job!...the other body parts laughed so hard that the A$$hole became very angry and closed up!

Well after a few days, the Brain went foggy, the Legs got wobbly, the Stomach got ill, the Eyes got crossed and unable to see...They all finally gave up and made the A$$hole the boss!!!

So, what's the moral of the story?!!

It proves that you don't have to be the brain to be a boss....Just an A$$hole!

[zizoudane10]

My grandad told me this one a few weeks ago:
(trying to translate it to English)


Old and rich farmer knows that he only has a few more years to live. He only has one daughter and she is dumb and ugly AF. So he is searching for a guy to marry her off to.
So he is advertising in the local newspapers: Heir wanted!
A lot of potential candidates turn up the next day but once the see the daughter, they all run away as fast as they can.
Last candidate of the day comes in. The old farmer is desperate by now, says: "Ok, look, you will see my daughter in a few minutes. I know she is absolutely ugly to look at. But: you get 500.000 cash on hand if you marry her".
Guy answers: "Ok, sounds great, send her in"
Farmer goes to the other room and returns with his daughter. Guy says: "OMFG, I didn't know it was THAT bad. Sorry, deal is off the table, I absolutely can't do it now that I saw her".
Farmer says: "Look, I know her face is pretty ugly, but her body isn't that bad. Would it help you if you get half of my land and half of my money when you marry her? I mean, you would be rich, you can bang her anytime you want, because she is stupid as well, and I'll have a capable heir?"
Guy thinks about it.... Says: "You know Sir, as much as I would like to do it, but my boner would be gone in a second whenever I see her face"
Farmer says: "Good god, she can wear a hat anytime you wanna bang her! I mean, that would be no problem at all!"
Guy says: "Hmm.... Yeah right, I guess that works. Deal!"
So they marry.
A few days after the wedding, the guy is renovating his new home. He says: "Wife! I want to hang up a few paintings. Go get me some nails."
Wife goes away, mumbling: "Go get nails, go get nails, go get nails...."
Comes back with some HUGE nails.
Guy says: "Oh come on... Wife... These nails are WAY to big. Go get some smaller nails!"
Wife goes away, mumbling: "Go get smaller nails, go get smaller nails, go get smaller nails...."
Comes back with smaller nails.
Guy says: "Well thank you. Hammer?" Nothing. "Hammer?!" Nothing. "Wife, did you bring a hammer?" - "No".
"Oh Jesus Christ, then go and fetch me a hammer will you?!?!"
Wife goes away, mumbling: "Fetch a hammer, fetch a hammer, fetch a hammer....."
Wife comes back with a 10kg sledgehammer.
Guy rolls his eyes and says: "Oh come on... Wife! That hammer is way too big!! WTF is wrong with you? Are you of any use at all????"
Wife goes away, mumbling: "Get hat, get hat, get hat...."

[DiggityDaggityDo]

Two thieves break into a man's house...
The man wakes up in the middle of a night and runs down stairs but the thieves escape over the fence so he calls the police. The police get to his house and ask what happened; the mans says: "Well the robbers took off with my personal computer and nothing else before I scared them away", the police officer says "Did you get a look at them? Can you give us a description?" the man says "Well it was dark and I was only half-awake... but if I had to guess, I'd say they looked looked like the kind of people that would download child porn".

[Shutup]